camps

I have decided, to forfeit the stupid OGL camp.
why? actually i dont have a real solid reason.

The reason of the day: camps make me sad.

why do camps make me sad?
1. shitty grouping.
2. tolerating people.
3. groups are always greener on the other side.
4. emo because people change in camp.
5. have to leave certain people.
6. might end up crushing some girl i can never be with.

aiya it goes on, im just lazy.
Life doesnt require great ambitions the whole time... o.O*

who?

When people ask me to describe myself,

i'll tell them:

I'm just a piece of trash who has been getting by living from the fat of God's grace.



In my head i think..

One day when i get my act together i'll tell them something else.



Now i think..

I can't tell them something else. Forever, I live my life triumphantly on the fat of God's grace.

nights like this, talking to old friends.
Find out what you're missing in life, find the potentials you're not living alive.
Discover what you've done wrong, pour a bucket of guilt and soak your hair in it.
Soak it deeply, get drunk in your foolishness.

And i wonder how long i've been walking without looking.
How numerous the days i've spent sleeping with the enemy.
Uncover the lies with the truth exposed, my eyes cannot run away by fixated on its prose.
As the honest tongue rolls out judgement on this miserable soul

Its time to admit my mistake, its time to move on.
Thanks may.

Media Night cycling expedition

Jacon, Sarah, Me and some extra.

STORY PENDING.

PJC pe shirt

(blogger ate my first attempt)

When i was packing my bag for camp earlier in the morning, i found my PJC pe shirt.
Brings back memories, its been months since i last donned the shirt.

It was like this...

A hot afternoon (like which one in singapore isn't?), it was x-country day in PJC. I was still a freshman then, together with everyone else from the JAE admission. Its been exactly 8 days spent in PJ.

Walking and recounting past achievements in fairfield x-country, a smile of confidence broke on my face.
THere they are, my OG members, all crowded at a table. Oh look, they're fascinated with something i cannot remember. As a approached them, this guy called alex turned and as me a question out of the blue.
" EH! what's that? Sports bra?"

"how would i kn...." i almost replied instantly, stopping only to realise that he was talking abt the black sleeveless tee i wore inside. I got a little angry. Like as if he wouldnt know that guys dont wear sports bra, no matter how muscular they made their chests- and mine arent even muscular at all.

Okay whatever, the story continues with me going into the toilet to remove the inner shirt, run and miss a position by 1.

Sleeveless tee, otherwise known as singlets were worn by me, and still are, to help me escape the projection of my image as someone being skinny. Of course, there are also reasons such as how my head is naturally big and being skinny just makes me look awfully retarded.

As i recount, i realise that i wore it for more self confidence. most evident when i wore it, after many months, during my Oral Presentation exams. Sure, i lack self confidence. But now when anyone guesses that im wearing an extra shirt inside, i'd admit, unlike in the past.
Perhaps i'm just starting to own up to my own inadequaties.

OBS hard feelings. (reflection in passport)

Day1: Being in this unfamiliar setting is totally agonizing. This always happens. I get coupled into groups without friends and I cannot enjoy myself at all. Sure, OBS isn’t a holiday, but it cannot teach me anything as a torture chamber.
As I swallow and continue to work with people I literally despise, I feel as if I’m losing my humanity, as if there isn’t a reason to smile anymore. I see their selfish- self righteousness, I hear the tone of half-heartedness. I don’t know what to say to a group of people who won’t listen, I know I’ll be happier and will learn better if PJC did not abandon/condemn me into yet another “lousy group” situation.
I ain’t that capable, why test me like this?This has been regrets.

Day 3: This is finally what I call OBS. Kayaking took a huge toll on me. Severely sun burnt, got a suspicious bruise on my back, I am battered but well, still alive. There were moments of boredom, moments of anger and moments of adrenalin. Lost myself that night, got pretty vulgar and pissed off. Night time, there was another epic dissension. Again, I see how nasty people got, declaring openly who they did not want to partner.
I was sad, and yet I couldn’t talk to (name) who was in the other group. Reflecting from that, I realize the implications of not having the right reasons to attend OBS. Despite the fun and excitement during the deadly storms, I’m still down and out; I really don’t understand why I’d end up in a different group as them. I really wanted to be in her group.
That to me was all that matters. Everyday’s another thunderstorm, working with people who can actually lack self-respect.
Wearing a smile is starting to hurt.

Day 4: The tents
4th day started out pretty melodramatically. When we finally reached camp 1on the kayaks, I was overjoyed. Only... (Name) didn’t look that happy. She felt she did a bad job and was very apologetic.
When we reached camp2, my impression of my situation changed. Thank God for the setting up of tentage. It brought me closer to my group mates especially Elton and mark. I realized that unknowingly, I’ve grown to accept them and they’ve opened up to me. Setting up tents is no longer a chore but something we have come to enjoy.
Then this is where I feel myself drifting away from her. It feels terrible and I’m just impossibly jealous. But then again, this is her life, and learning to be independent from her is my true OBS challenge, and also the only lesson I’ll be taking away, hopefully.
Thus, this reflection is done in (colour) in remembrance of (name).


Looking back, OBS really took me out of my comfort zone.
Sometimes just reflecting on the agony of the first day freaks me out.
There's still a pain there somewhere.

dependence.

dependence-> deliverance.

I'm a pretty unhappy person these few days. But hey, somehow the way things happened,
the way things turned up... seem like a painful journey of delightful deliverance.

Its been.. 2days? And today will be the 3rd. A week ago and I'd die not messaging her.
Then it struck me, one of those many nights i spent praying for the same thin
"Lord remove this dependence"

And well, I think i'm well in the midst of a beautiful exodus.
Who knows, when things accelerate, i can give christmas presents without intents or guilt.
And when OGL camp comes, it'll just be a good, refreshing new start for everyone.
Damn, im excited.

just contemplating whether i should go running today, like now.

small world

I'm just a pea in this really small world
This really small world called singapore.

Its a nice romantic world where everyone enjoys the rain together.
Where the sun sets at the same time where the same moon is enjoyed.

The world is so small yet the sky is so broad.
The sky that i see, do you see it too?
As i sit on this lonely shore, watching my wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
Where are you? Were you here before?

Somewhere on the other side of this puny island, we're all having mixed reactions.

aftermath

damaged and still couting. Im just glad i didnt fall ill from OBS.

Some wounds still bleed occasionally, pus still coming out from those @#$% sandfly bites.
Oh, my skin started to peel from my face on saturday, think it stopped peeling already. Skin is starting to peel from my hands (show you guys the skin that peels off in sheets some other time.)

Been eating nonstop and im still 54kg! okay, maybe 55.
Biscuits, cornflakes, milo powder, burger king, marshmallows.

OHman, just really nonstop.
Oh look, im hungry now.

been prone to headaches, got rashes threatening to break out (i hate rashes) They're a vicious cycle.

Been toileting at least twice everyday, makes me wonder what i ate so badly in OBS.

life has been wake up, read engadget and gizmodo, play some dota, talk to my mum and then being alone.
Some kinda life. SOMEONE DATE ME QUICKLY!!! ANYONE!

just decided to not go for OBS watch outing on friday, nope, not surprising, not at all.
Wondering how my friends are doing, and then .. maybe im just lazy to ask.

Sigh what are you doing with your time tuckyan? You fool.

guess

How are you feeling on the otherside of the world?
I went to sleep shortly after messaging you last night.
You know, i think i must be crazy, and that was so petty, so so petty of me.

But this is reality. I simply dry up without your acknowledgement.
But yet I know i could've done better.

sometimes when i asked you if you'd remember me, i'm happy to hear you say you'd.
But that's where I'm torn.
Because i know that someday in my life I'd have to walk out of this
I have to walk out on you. So next year's the last.. (or maybe.. this year is)

well the next time i'm going to see you might just well be OGL camp.
And i beg you, don't back out from it
I'll see you then, after when i've dealt accordingly to myself.

realisation (again)

OKAY FIRSTLY!

I'm sorry for writing a shitty post like that.
I really don't know how you're feeling now, and i'm afraid to ask.
You didn't reply my message and i know there's something wrong.

I'm just gonna.. gonna stop talking to you awhile, i hope time heals.

shopping.

armed with 80bucks, i ran around the western side of singapore today, shopping.
Bought:
Cap
shorts
disposable (ahem)
torchlight and batteries.

And then i tried looking for a waterproof 1-use camera.
Found one at $17. recalling what sarah told me, I was like "That's a rip-off man!"
so i didnt get it
Ran around the entire neighbourhood of clementi, there wasn't a single shop decent enough to even sell that camera.
Had gastric, gave up. went home.

DARN IT!.
well yesterday.. was a sad day.
i really dont know what went wrong.

cam whoring.

This is what we do in afternoons that are boring.



... arggh no more.

sentosa.

Sometimes you wish time would stop while you're having fun.


Timeless passion. heh.
But time flies by and never ceases to flow.

what to do?
But, look away and grow up.

agony in a life without echo

ever woke up early in a cold morning, running over to your table and tripping over your sheets?
Excitedly picking up your phone and removing the charger cable, the screen lights up, lights up your face.
"1 message received" the series of words shine like gold in the eyes of the beholder, you.
You immediately select "show" and excitedly look on, your legs can hardly take the excitement, they start fidgetting.

But then.. the light from you face fades.. Something's wrong.
Its yet another DUMB-CRAP call divert alert message...
Wherever did the reply to your message go? The reply you were so eagerly awaiting.
A reply, a request for me to help out? It didnt come. You needed help, but you rather not ask me.
That's just how far things have become.
So far, echoes die trying to reach me. Or maybe, you've become so numb, nothing's coming back ever.

dont

Seriously. If you see her with a guy, and it makes you feel hopeless..



If you think that there's a conspiracy going on.



If you think that having confirmation will shatter you into pieecs.



If you think there's this guy with mouth flowing of honey.



then stop looking, stop thinking, stop seeking.



Just stop you fool, tuckyan.

a bomb.

right now, the word is agony.

I always allow myself to brim up with things i wanna say
then when i say them they're too much i find the wrong words to put them in
Then perhaps you'll think im weird, perhaps crazy
perhaps unreasonable perhaps.

cauz whatever was in the past, it is already disintegrating.
Sooner or later, it'll be blown away, together with the sands of time.

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.



wow, this guy really hacked my computer. "How accurate" i remarked, "suspiciously accurate"

some guys really know how to do this stuff. Good for them.

methodology

Basic rules of the game, tuckyan, is as follows.

If you cant put a cross onto a girl, may you never put a ring on her

what are you doing?

She was sitting on the sun chair under the hot blazing sun, by the poolside.
oddly, she was clad in a jacket and getting toasted up under the hot sun.

Its been two years, this one's been the hottest.
She can canoe, she is tall, she can sing, she can run, she is pretty.
But right now, she's sitting right there, motionless.

ramaging through my bag, i found a dri-fit long sleeve shirt.
As i thought of how to approach her, i couldnt help but notice how she's grown.

Its been two years, this one's been a miracle.
Her dry fuzzy hair is now straight and healthy, her face is now void of pimples.
Her legs no longer carry the scars of insect bites, her face retains the sunkiss.

As my heartbeat grew faster, my legs carry me to her side.
Still oblivious behind those closed eyelids, she had a silly smile on her face.

Its been two years, this one's getting nostalgic.
She's still a blur-pok, thank god she still smiles.
Her face has now become thinner, and her skin now smoother.

placing a firm grip on her shoulder, but careful not to hurt her, i woke her up.
She looked at me, with her eyes, so big, i find myself in a loss of words, lost in them.

Its been two years, and this one's incredible.
Our first encounter was just like this, two innocent youths electrocuted by chemo-current.

But this time, its different, its been two years.
"what are you doing sitting under the hot sun with you jac...."
"NO! What are you doing?" She cut me short.
"You're always like that! Why are you helping me now?" "What can you possibly gain from this, why do you want to do this?"
"thanks!" she smiles. "i've been stuck here for 2 hours."
"i've got a concert later, and i cant be going over in bikini can I?"
I was stumped, silly by her sudden question. Before i could react what she was saying, she was
on her feet and the wind carried her away.

It's me, by the poolside, dressed in t-shirt and shorts.
Man... what am i doing?

tired.

an ordinary evening. but a different sight.
You know, she looks compatible with anybody. Anybody.

Its times like these when i want to walk away, to disappear. To vapourise.
But no, the same smile when she sees me, temporarily numbs me.

My life... it isnt mine anymore. What should i do? Be in pain? Be moaning and groaning?
No! NEVER! Get it back dumb fool!

Well i've got it planned out.
This holidays.. its gonna be the ultimate retreat. God, work, friends, study.
Its all about fixing this tard-up life.
When i get back to the court (school) and im still the same failure.. ok so be it.
At least this time i've tried and i can fail with no regrets.

I think im a really eligible boyfriend candidate. so sarah, you're right.
Maybe im just wasting my time...
NAH KIDDING. hanging around is part of the strat alright?

GET UP GET UP!

school

this year, school's gonna end like an implosion.
Pieces of everything in this year will be thrown, suspended in the air.
Why? because im in 4H2s.
Why? because i built my life around the worst things.

So when this year ends, many things will change, 2009 will see me stepping back into school.
With my life deranged, the crunch of broken chips scattered over the floor will persist.
Not untill... not untill i get a grasp. Not untill i bend down to panistakingly pick up the pieces.
Not untill i shed a droplet of blood for each piece of mistake i made.

Nothing is getting away without a final reckoning.
I feel terribly... upset.
Year after year this happens.
And this year's worse, homework is starting to haunt in. I dont see how its justified, i dont know why it should be like this.
Havent the teachers thought and considered how much this is? Stress after stress, after stress.
And Aside from homework, life is full of other considerations.

Sure, i can stage a collapse and a coup. But im stronger than that.
I just dont see why i have to take all these nonsense.
Once again life feels like a reaping scythe. Close behind, removing any unproductivity.
Running, running running.

That's it?

Reading

when i read joash's blog.
i feel like i blog shit.

I think he can be a good friend, i really think so.
Sometimes i find as if its possible if he's my older brother, the things he blogs, i can truly empathise.
On the other hand, since he is dying so much for a friend, I've thought of taking him as my
next best friend.
But i dont have the guts to,
I know i make a lousy friend.

I'm just another of those guys who think BGR can last now.
And hell, i dont know what im trying to prove.
Maybe its just an excuse for being vulnerable, but that excuse is starting to cost alot.
Im sitting home right now, watching a disaster unfold.

Vivid memories of my form teacher losing it just keep flashing through my mind.
I'm running, running down the tunnel of life.
There's prayer labyrinth, there's the worship aims, there's Insights and Reflections.
Well prayer labyrinth.... its just not that easy. I'm trying to be fresh, but im afraid..
I always get caught up in my own ideas, i dont think for others.
I want to do something so much, i'd sacrifice all the other ideas for it.
I need to stop thinking about myself.

Worship aims..
Leading worship has been the #1 phobia in my life. That makes backup singing #2.
When you go up and lead, with sin tearing you down, man.. it sucks and you find yourself unable.
So far in my life, 2 sessions were successes. And now that i recall, those were the ones where i decided- I'm dead. God save me from this worship leading.
And he did, by personally carrying me through.

Well Insights and reflections... Just another boring PW thingy.
I really dont feel like doing it, i know i can do it at a whim.
But i've gotto change.
Its high time to change.

This holiday... please.. may it be the time for me to undergo metamorphosis and leave this pitiful shell of mine behind.
I want to be different, i want this retreat to give me time to change.
Next year, life is just going to get harder.

thank God for that dummy sarah.
I'd died a few times over if she didnt keep talking to me and keeping me awake.

well i was telling her. guys should teach girls chem, hopefully it stimulates real chemistry.

I just wish eva is an inert gas that is capable of expanded octet? so she can accept a date-tive bond.
haha. damn it. i tell you, theere is a reason why chemistry is called chemistry.

well anyway.
These few days have been crazy, playing like nuts.
Badminton, volleyball, tennis, catching, badminton.
i was telling i forgot who, it feels like i have abs growing on my back.

new haircut, i finally dared to keep my hair length.
It kinda made me look kiddy.. well whatever.

During catching there was some serious injury, really worrying.
Sometimes i know i forget to take things serious and be thankful.
Catching.. i used to think that the only possible injury is like falling down...
haha. now what?

im sick, and i hate it.
when im sick i feel as if i cant do anything.
Then the future looks bleak. I know its just a feeling, but well. feeling bad sucks.

school today was nonsense, cant figure why i bothered to turn up.
Boring talks, stuffy lecture, my throbbing throat. I almost died.
its so hard to survive a easy day like this, what about... tomorrow?

time table rocks. i think at least 4 hours of school's been shaved off.

today.

someone is angry
someone is disappointed.

Someone's awfully confused
and someone's mind is filled with words he knows he'll regret.

Someone is trying to learn to think alot less
to not create a storm that even he cannot handle.
Someone is trying to grow up today.

Someone is trying to believe there is a good reason.
Someone just doesnt want to hurt her anymore...

still it eludes me.
why... why!

cleearly.

I'm going bonkers.

I'm doing the wrong things.

I'm feeling terrible.

and you dont want to talk to me.

What is this!

song.

我要歌唱主赐的恩典，当我来到加略山。
神忘记我一切的罪孽， 却不忘记我。

我不常用话语来写博客，但说是为华文A水准考试预备也好，是精神病也好，写了就写了
何必多说？
我爱华语-它是我双语中最有表达性的语文。
英语有些字词太过深，终于听到信息时，感情似乎已早溜走。
华语不像它，配来配去的，突然调换一个字。。。整个句子变了。意思换了。
是明显的，是秀丽的，却容易做到。

好了，我的华语真烂！

think.

I feel like i just survived a nuclear bomb.

This holiday is timely. Let me enjoy this, let me think, let me clear my head.
Let me see the things i really want.

think think, think on your feet.
Think as if thinking saves your life.
Think as if it makes you what you are.

Its gotto be a miracle.

Nothing explains this better.

An easy math paper, a potential B (or A?) cannot be reasoned.
A slacker like me, where hardwork was entered for waking up early, has hope.

This, is an outright miracle.

well okay, math is over, and im a happy man.
tomorrow's physics paper 2 and after that its planned that im going sentosa with some friends.

I'm ultra excited.
(unconvincing.. haha)

but there's one thing that makes me dread tomorrow.
You would'nt understand cauz you'll never know.

How something so simple can be a big answer.
And if nothing happens, it settles it.

that question i had at the back of my head the whole time...
Is gonna disappear.
Leaving... well.. a brief moment of.. anguish?

4H2s.

Retaining, dropping. I dont plan to have either.
I love taking my 4H2s. and hell i'd appreciate if i learnt earlier.

There's this rhetoric that rocks.
Have you tried your best?

I dont know when can we say we tried our best.

This brings me back to the june camp when jon said..
"you've tried your best! tell me how many people tugged the rope untill they saw stars?"

I dont know, what is best? It seems so abstract, so far away.

So everyday i declare i have the potential to top the school.
I'm still so far away from my best, if i ever hit it... yeah.
Well, anyone who tries their best has equal opportunity.
But the fact is now there are only people who try harder...
appears no one can be declared hardest.

well pioneer, i've got nothing to prove in promos.
but trust me, i didnt go so far from dover to you just to take 3H2s.

SCREAMING

And when pride overtakes me.

Its nights like these when i feel like climbing the roof.
When i feel like standing tall and shouting out.

" I like you!" "Why don't you believe me?!"
Its times like these when I can't understand why you're feeling so worthless.
Its times like these i want to tell you I'll be a better man, all for you.

I had been trying, I've been changing.
I've been struggling, these all almost felt like dying.

But you won't listen, you won't lend a ear.
You aren't bothered by my heartfelt tears.

Then you'll tell me "I don't know why, but I just don't find guys interesting."
And I'll ask you a question, a question that resonates repeatedly in this empty heart.

Then why... then why did you say all that you said?
Why did you paint all the dreams that we shared.
For what did you choose to follow me.
To whom did your eyes speak to the whole time?

The stories I made, the life i crafted.
It's falling into someone Else's hands the moment I started.

How can I not scream
How can I not be hurt?
Why would I not flinch to see the work of my hands
Used and now reduced to dirt?

A call into the night
A trembling in a corner.
Tears in the moonlight

Won't bring me back to her.

It felt like this.
It did.

funny leh.

this was what i read in the "Revival Year Sermons", 1859.

" Perhaps some of God's professed people will leave you; you will have to go without a solitary friend-maybe you will even be deserted by Sarah herself.... yada yada"

Sigh... that was the hardest part to take in.
Deserted by Sarah, as in taking into context you're abraham.

Well. okay erm. this sermon's interesting, its about.... (drumrolllL!)

taadaa! PREDESTINATION! (throws glitters)

Well, somtimes i wonder if predestination should be one of the main doctrines...
I mean, besides salvation being the system of grace and faith, isnt it important to know how grace and faith works?
As in... how does faith come about if humans are supposed to be so opposed to God?
Then what about grace? Hasn't grace come to everyone? Then why didnt the whole world become christian?

Wheres the distinction between love, dying on the cross, and love as in love to children of God?
What about the objects of wrath in the book of Romans?

interesting right. Dont say predestination is cheem crap. Its important, it concerns the nature of calling.

Well anyway, i was talking to my bible study budd today.
Apparently life IS a drama.

According to charles spurgeon, at the begining begining, there was the trinity council.
Father: I'm going to create humans, they'll rebel against me, but i will save them.
Son: For everyone you intend to save, i shed my blood for them and i will intercede for them.
Spirit: For everyone who is saved and has the blood of Jesus i will enter and dwell within him, and i will safeguard and guarantee his salvation.

The script was written even before the props came to life.
The script was written even before the PA and backstage crew (angels) were created.

WOW.
A drama indeed.

emo people

was reading this blog... yes i know i shld be studying, i just finished a hell difficult math sum..
Well, in the light of promos, the writer's getting emotional.
So emotional it sounded desperate.

All the sudden missing of friends, thirst for promotion, crazy mugging.
Haha. damn it, im envious of the crazy mugging part.

But its okay. I'm clever right? dont need to mug one.

Sometimes i wonder why i try so hard...
why must get 3 As and above then happy?

But then i know why.
Its not about scoring, its about putting in the same amt of work as everyone else.

morning mugging blues.

So, i've finally decided to start studying.

Was doing mkt failure..( look, even the shortforms are getting into me.)
Fail la. It was kinda easy, i realised i knew my stuff, just didnt know how to put them in economical terms.
Feeling terribly hungry now, studying is afterall, wrestling with some demon.
Demon of sleep.
Been wrestling for 1 hour now. haha, and im famished.
I dont know where mum ran to, but im glad i still have 12 more hours of study time today...
alot better than midyears i guess.

not feeling too distracted, but i thought i wanted anyone who still reads this blog to know..
To know the joy of being able to study.

How? can get B for econs or not? haha i wonder.
really.

I want LUNCH, NOW!

ughh!

today gp paper was actually pretty easy. You know, sometimes i wonder why i dont just be a good boy and do crime and punishment or mass media.
I did this topic : "religion has lost its significance in the world today".

DAMN. my friends said my points were incredible, i thought they were, too.
But now, from hindsight, i feel as if im gonna fail, and fail like an arse.
Why? I forgot that i totally forgot to consider defining the word significance.

sheez. even now i dont know what significance means. So i guess my essay's
hanging by a thread? yeah... something like that.
Then came compre. Ah screw it, for compre im never confident.
I always interpret wrongly... why? This can prove detrimental in my life.

misinterpretation... sigh.

well. a few considerations are hanging dead in my head.
First: should i just study oligopoly and mkt failure?
second: should i still try for an A in math? Will the investment be worth it?
Third: should i try harder for chem.. i mean i studied quite abit but its been days... and i have yet to study the earlier topics.
Fourth: physics... i sense that im doomed.

well, if theres anything i worry... its those.
I'm glad worship leading was last week, if not i'd be horribly distracted again.

speaking of which, it actually went quite well!
Well, merely considering the screwup where one of my songs disapparated, one would say it was an epic fail.
But somehow, the screwup was like a divine move, removing a song i forcefully added.
Thus what remained was the perfect combination...
and indeed, as the saying goes "if you want the song to touch others, let it touch you first".
Indeed, it has been great singing "once again" once and once again in my head.



Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
Many times I've wondered at Your gift of life
And I'm in that place once again

I'm in that place once again

And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

Now You are exalted to the highest place
King of the heavens, where one day I'll bow
But for now, I marvel at Your saving grace
And I'm full of praise once again

I'm full of praise once again

Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross, my Friend

i rarely post lyrics. But this is life, once again and once again.
Somehow the amazing grace brings me back once again, again and again.

There's something else stuck in my head.
A question, a question i want to ask very much.
Its a question with 2 answers and only one can answer.

Its stuck in my head, its making it ache. I'm dying to get it out...
But im afraid to know the answers, both are feared.
I can't concentrate and i can't study, this thought is tormenting and paralysing me.

how i wish my head listens when i say stop.

freeze!

In moments like this, i wish the time stopped.
Then i'll wander around this island of singapore.

I can revisit places i had wonderful memories.

i can visit my friends. If they're smiling, i can enjoy their smiles.
if they're unhappy, i can set things right for them.
Amidst the freeze, i can lay the foundations for warmth.

I wish time will stop right now.
I wish time and tide waits for me.
I want to waddle back into the past, i want to find myself.
Sometimes i feel as though i've lost myself, long buried in the past.


but time will not wait for me... it will move.

The motion of time brings sadness away, but the uncertainty of future keeps coming.
The onslaught of doubt will keep coming, will keep regenerating.
Will keep coming, crawling back.

Recently i found a blog.
It was a haven of innocence. Guess what the introduction was?
Hi, im ******,
& im thankful for what i have.

well maybe some people do lead lives without problems.

But at the very basics, life is life.
"bad" lives, "good" lives, all lives.
just because life feels shitty, it doesnt therefore become a lesser life.

no wonder people say "make the best of your time".
life is whatever you make of it.

hm.. life is like the most flexible piece of clay. Clay that can be glazed and yet remoulded.
Clay that's kneaded and toasted. Tossed and turned in the turbulence of life.

Turbulence is always there, where do you direct it to?

If i want my life back...

If i want it back i better be sure.
So far in life, i get anything i truly wanted. Im sure it'll be the same for life.

none.

"Guys have girlfriends and men have their wives but Lau Tuck Yan has no girl who wants him."

sounds familiar? besides my usual ranting abt how life is all abt girls, and that philosophy leaves me empty because my life has no girls, this actually resembles alot like a bible verse...
"Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."
Man, im so evangelical, using the topic on girls and my humble blog to mention verses from the bible. Actually, its like one foot in heresy. haha.

Well, in the light of the GP promos tomorrow, i'll like to express my view on this phrase "respect is earned"...


ah screw it. I'm just awfully disgusted by how in the end it boils down to the targetted individual.
You can change, you can try. You can give, you can sacrifice. At the end of the day, the special type of love, not mere gratitude, is given.
So sometimes you look, blank eyed and ask yourself.
"man.. how did some dude like that get a girlfriend?"
You'll know then, love is blind and love isnt chemistry.
Chemistry can be explained, can be formulated... love, is alchemistry.

wait wait... i've been studying chem....

DAMN it! I'm studying the wrong subjects!

a wednesday morning.

its morning like this where you wake up and the first thing that strikes you:
you're dead meat, doomed.

tomorrow's gp paper.
and right now, im in in my comfortable home, studying on the bed.
Yes damnit, im in school on time. and erin's late.

How to study gp? beats me. I've just received a copy of RJC's KS BULL.
a nice flashy name with a bull etched into a black semi hard cover magazine... or isit a book?

KS BULL. haha a joke. The essays completely blew me away.
I was remarking, if this is RJC's elite standard, i should be getting more for my class tests.
To cut the chase, i was appalled at the standard.
Suddenly, the already cocky "KS BULL" sounds even more irritating, almost shameless.

This is why i hate doing reviews, i review everything critically.
From retrospect, maybe my bro got it right.
RJC is publishing crap to enslave/poison the minds of innocent JC students.
Creating a make-believe low bar elitism which will trick them into believing that
it is easy to score, and your work dont need to be that incredible as projected in your own heads.
honestly, i think manyof the published essays wont even make it to 31 in PJ.

RJ RJ, why art thou ever deceitful?

inside out

felt like an unbeliever in church today, that hokkien concert.
everything was in hokkien, since im a cantonese, i have not even the slightest idea.

some words i can make up is.
God, Lord, Worship, depending on him, lalala.
haha not that i literally became an unbeliever, rather, i totally didnt get anything.
alot like how an unbeliever would, amidst a service.

ironic. i felt terrible when everyone laughed at jokes invisible to me.
not that they werent funny, they sure were.
I just didnt know what was going on the whole time.

ahh whatever. sleep, tomorrow's going to be CRAAZY.

you act'

aand so he always, out of the blue warns me. or so, "warns" me.
"you act what?"

i dont think i got why he ever said this kinda unfriendly shit, and sometimes mean it
untill i finally get the time to emo today morning.
(no i didnt stay at home and not study with you so that i can emo, no.)
there's hardly anything left behind in my pursuit to be unique.

i just want to be different, so much i forgot to fear being weird.

whats wrong with being unique? whats wrong?
i dont know. but maybe as he puts it incredibly plain, its acting.

how do i know if im acting?

i liked to say that life is intagible, its ambiguous, its vague.
you just cant define it, nor should you try.
you might just make the wrong judgement right? how can you guarantee that you'd do the justice to the many sides of life in one go?
maybe you should try, but dont convince yourself too hard.

recently, it feels as if life can be defined, just that im afraid to.
afraid to find that when i define it, i find myself not living a life.
afraid that when i define it, others try so hard living for it untill they lose themselves.

ahh, damn it.
i just wish, im smarter, better looking, more matured, more caring, more generous, more sensitive, less complicated, more innocent.

This is finally something in life that's hard.

knowing

appears you know.

If i have one wish, i'd wish i had 2 wishes.
then i'd wish you could become a christian, and i'd wish im good enough for you.

swallow

weird things have been happening in my life these few days.
For a start, i dont know why im still so busy at church.
For seconds, my chinese compo was rated: shit.
For dessert, my math teacher just told me he's disappointed in me.

nice what!

too many things have been happening and i feel helpless caught amidst of it all.
With all the torrential unceasing turbulence, life feels really shitty.
Today i've added a new guilt to my name. Things keep going bad, and i sacrifice one for another, i'm triggering an avalanche and i don't even know the severity of it yet.

promos are a week or 2 away.
Why am i feeling confident? I shouldnt be, if i know what's good for me, its time to know im in trouble.
deep trouble.

I promised this, promised that. I feel like an idiot digging my own grave.
a special day lies next next week- its ok, it'll be forgotten, buried amidst the helter-skelter.

everyday's feeling like yet another to be torn from the calendar.
Everyday's wasted and trashed, no wonder i'm already feeling my days numbered.

My mind is still on the wrong things.
Some things just tag onto you and never let go, and well.. maybe that's just because you're the one holding on tight.

maybe i'm a nasty hypocrite.

lament?

worthless

Proverbs, everything is a chasing after the wind.

Money, fame, wealth, talent, looks, speech, deeds- none of these have a worth.
Not at all. Its a sad day for the world that after thinking so much, i can see what's worthless.
I dont deserve anything.

PJC's a long way from home, everyday consists of a lonely journey to-and-fro.
My phone never rings, there's never a letter for me.
I struggle with sleep on the bus, i look out of the windows in solitude.
And i wonder, why am I living such a sad life in such a sad world.

And i wonder- what will make me happier?
I can change, i WILL change! Believe in me, give me a chance!
I can scream my lungs out, but when the balance lies not in my hands, what can i do?
But wait, and wait.. and wait.
I'm always walking back these days, walking back to the earlier days
and i ask myself what on earth is going on.

Surely i must've changed. I'm sure i did.
And i give up reasoning this nonsense, why are you acting like this?
I don't know, and you wont say, you'd say I'm just thinking too much again.
Not every storm in my life happens in a bowl of soup!

As i bury myself in school work, somehow i dont feel numb.
I dont feel numb at all, somewhere in my heart, there's a feeling lodged.
Its crippling, its empowering, it keeps me alive...
But i feel as good as dead.

ugh..

Its days like these, when the air freezes over
and i feel like a loser, sprawling all over the floor.

What have i done this time?

Oh, its no longer the process that matters, its finally just about the results.
Its when people all feel awkward when they've got no reason to.

What makes you powerless?
The same thing that makes you powerful.

It is bitter irony, when i feel like screaming 'WHY IS THIS?!"
and people would glance, wide eyed. They think its foolishness, but they've missed the point.
Its been a long time...
Holding my heart in my hands, swallowing the tears, doing my work.
Clutching the heartache to bed.
Its because when I'm free, something always has to happen.

It always happens.
always. and its my fault?

flowers.

I stepped into a grave, it wasn't spooky, wasn't chilly.
But sure was quiet.
It was a dead blog, obviously the writer haven't spoke for long.
Those stagnant writings were exactly like carvings on a tombstone, gently depicting history.
Sad, happy, proud history.
In the same fashion, history was being written until suddenly, the pen stops.
The pen, and the pendulum stops.

Glancing around, i found a certain familiarity. For awhile the writer became so alive in words
it was stinging of nostalgia.
A smile lit up my face, but tears went down my heart.
Looking a little to the left, i see the guest book, i see the plate of marble.
I left a little note. Then, i left a bouquet of white roses.
Somehow the way the bouquet bounced on the marble plate felt strange.
I thought i smelled a stench of rejection.
Other guests were here before, and they too left flowers, not a long time ago.
But somehow it all feels foolish.

Who reads these? Who appreciates?
Isit meant for the writer, or for the visitors?

We miss the deceased to much, will the deceased ever read what we write?
Will what we write give life? At least a smile?

At least a reply?

No, its those who are still alive...
We're the ones being forgotten.

you read?

You say I'm boring, you say i can only blog abt the past.
I'll tell you things you didn't know, maybe things you don't wanna know either.

It was a morning, a morning just like any other.
On the table was a plastic container, in the container was breakfast.
Across the table was better, it was someone beautiful.
The gentle morning rays lit up her face, the same way her smile always does
to hers as well as to mine.
A beautiful, complete morning, was one such as this.

After struggling in silent contemplation and planning, i opened the container smoothly
leaving no trace of my former ignorance.
I picked up the spoon, and dug it into the bowl of soy curd.
Looking up, she was messaging on the phone.
She turned just in time to catch me, again, mesmerised at her.
Picking up the other spoon from the blind corner of my eye, i raised it into view.
"You want?" i asked her, already knowing her answer.
But with regards to whether she noticed the second spoon, or was waiting for me to invite her,
I can't quite say anything for sure.
As her spoon, too, dug into the curd, she looks up and asked me.
Her words were a pleasant surprise
" So, do you feel loved?"
Her words were too pleasant a surprise.

At the very instance, i looked at her face.
She's smiling, she must mean it!
A torrent of thoughts and speculations clogged up my mind.
What's this? Is she hinting something with precise subtlety?
I felt my ears warming up, i was sure my face was already red.
My heart was racing and my head started to itch.
Immediately, my bones became as soft as the curd in the bowl.

Let me simplify. Is she finally telling me that she likes me, too?

As i swayed in disbelief of the inconvenient "truth", somehow my tongue lied.
But the lie was the truth, and i had been wrong.
"You're talking about my blog right?"
"Haha yeah!"

Her jovial, carefree laughter tore my dreams into pieces.
For awhile i felt like an idiot, then i really felt like i needed to swear.
But i didn't swear, no not here, not in front of her. NEVER.

I had experienced the greatest, most vivid anti-climax ever in my entire life.
Feeling dejected, I explained myself, shoving quick spoonful of rice balls and soy curd into my mouth.

Sometimes i ask, in a silly fashion.
Can't i just have a girlfriend like everyone else?

no, but you're not a christian.

being loved

Who doesnt like the feeling of that?
I for one, love to be important.

I liked the feeling of being loved, i like to see girls in the full glory of their sweetness.
But back then I didn't comprehend it.
I'd boast, I'd add every single of those encounters as equipment to furnish a huge ego.
And then at the end of the year i learnt. But it was too late.
I remembered how i brought the hopes high high up, and dashed them with my own hands.

But as i rose from the ashes in sec4, i decided...
I told God, if I'm such a fool, then take all these away, far away.
I'd rather be hurt, I'd rather be ugly, unwanted.
I'd rather say wrong things all the time, then to say wrong things at particular times.

And when I'm that, and love finds me...
I asked God to bless that love for me, that I won't miss out on what I regard as the greatest thing on earth- to be in love, to get married, to start a family.
To let some lucky girl enjoy everything I am.

I enjoy the feeling of being loved, i really do.
But what i pronounced then, seems to be setting in already.
I ache and my heart becomes like stone.

Strange, i wonder.
Maybe its the reason why i haven't cried so long.

And now I chase after the wind, for the wind has changed direction
And is blowing away from me.

being loved.

It was exactly like this...

Late monday afternoon, I was dragging my heels, walking to my class locker.
Feeling dejected, feeling resentful- this was exactly how it felt.
I lamented at the floor, my head was hurting, throbbing slightly.
The setting sun behind me casted a brownish hue upon the school building.

I reached for the locker, pushing and twisting the key in hard.
When the lock was openned, I placed the keys, together with the lock on a ledge just above the lockers.
I blindly shoved a few books to join the mess in the locker.
At that instant, I thought i recalled something...
Upon turning my head, I was just in time to see someone sneaking up...

She, had a silly smile on her face saying, "Oops! I'm caught!".

I gave a tired smile. Unlike her, I was not in the mood for anything.
She was dripping wet, so much her shirt stuck to her. Netball training must've just ended.

She didn't look so attractive 3 days ago when i met her at backstage.
My heart raced, somehow she made me feel important.

Embarrassed, she glanced at the floor, her hands promptly pushing a makeshift envelop into my hands.
"A letter?" I pondered.
"er.. Haha" she squirms in her own discomfort, almost as if answering my question.
I caught her pretty face, half lit by the few rays of sunlight, but not for long.
She turns and runs, her ears were brilliantly red-lit.
I could make up a smile on the side of her face.
Staring, smiling too, i looked upon the letter.

"tUck yAn :)) XD", almost as if she was standing right before me.
That's how she'd call me, with a silly smile on her face.
When did i tell her if i liked orange?

When i looked up, she had disappeared into the corner down the corridor.
Flipping the envelop around, "YINGYING!" was written big and bold, exactly like this.
It was as if she really wanted me to remember her.
And i did, and i still do.

top n reasons why you shouldnt fail promos.

top n reasons. n is a tribute to math and n is an unknown.

1.you let yourself down
2. you waste your life
3. you should've gone poly
4. the j1s will be nasty
5.you'll be awkward around your friends.
6. your friends will be awkward because you are awkward.
7.cocky people become your seniors
8.you get stuck 1 additional year in your cca
9.the slackers associate you with them.
10.you dont want that
11.your bf goes NS and you mug A levels- confirm breakup
reasons are getting abstract.
12.your mum will think you need lesser allowance
13.you get to use the com lesser
14.you sit through the lectures you've been sleeping through, and sleep again. torture.
15.your canteen food sucks and you're gonna eat it for one more full year.
16.a year later your good friends are gone, you've gotto make new ones
.
.
.
.
.
n.devastation to self esteem.


sure there are more and more reasonable reasons.
but if you arent scared enough, why not? slack!

what!

The tears fell silently onto his trembling, open hands.
The recent events raced through his mind, ramming hard against his throbbing heart.
"what... what have i done to my life?" he asked, rhetorically.

Life has been chasing of bubble dreams. Jumping, stretching, reaching.
In the end, it's with his very own hands, he shatters his dreams.
Why? Isn't fervor worthy in exchange? Where was he unworthy?
He don't know, and no one can offer an answer-

In this cold dark night, under this faint orange streetlight, he's lonely and no one speaks to him.
He searches for someone, someone who could lend him her ears.
He did find one some time ago, then again, maybe it was another illusion.
Good things last like a flash in the pan.

Chance is like lightning, it never strikes twice.
"How foolish, what nonsense." he remarked and smiled.
His heart almost fails him. Again, more droplets fell to his hands.


Somehow I'm just the repulsive kind of person.
Somehow nobody ever initiates conversations with me.

Why do i always have to BEG to speak?
Do i owe anyone a living? Why is life so unfair?
Its days like this, feeling unwanted is justified.

damnit. AM I WRONG?

if ever.

She knows..
She just doesnt know how much i like her.

Its this UGH! GUUHH! irony in life that makes life suck.
Its about a small boy thinking of plans, he has great plans.
Romantic plans, fun plans, maybe... perfect plans.
He thinks and he smiles to himself.

And its this girl who takes everything he plans.
She trashes it because he's not the one.
And how? Who is at fault?
No one, yet somebody's hurt.
How can there be a victim without a victimizer?

So here's the boy, now crying with tears of the rain.
His fingers write something on the flooded concrete floor.
The words appear and are drowned again, nothing happy lasts longer than a fleeting moment.
Its yet another day, with cloudy skies and yet piercing rays.
The sky which covers our world is throbbing with irony.

Sometimes if only they knew.
If only it would be this way, and not the other.
Life is so 50/50 you, thats why its hard to let go.
We'll keep singing chicken and the egg till we're drown in misery.
Misery of self deceive.

If only if i was around at the right time, born a year before.
only if. only if. if. if.

in the dark

If you read this, know that i regret leaving this out.
Again i find myself, tortured by an old trick.

Back then when i was in sec2.
There's another reason why i left her.
Its simple, its not complex.
It sounds foolish, it sounds ridiculous.

She was a non-christian.

Some "Christians" dont give 2 hoots about this.
But to me, this an impossible barrier.

no compromises, no keeping one eye closed.

These days i've been tormented.
Your messages were so cold- but i said to myself:
This is your chance to free yourself.

and guess what happens?

i wont elaborate.
I'm stuck, i'm chained to you.
You dont look like you like it, and for me im already feeling repulsive about it.
I shouldn't enjoy it, and finally i don't.

I dont know how to face up to you.
All these things really really makes me want to run away.

I'm unwilling to keep you in the dark.
But who knows how you'd respond?

"you're just thinking too much.."?

an answer i grew old on hearing.

not every storm in life happens in the teacup.

think

When i think of her,
I just go bonkers.

She must be tired
running around my mind 24/7

She must be fat
For she can occupy my spacious head.

She has insomnia, she stays awake in my dreams.

When the world collapses and there is nothing to hope for.
I hope for a girlfriend, i still do.
When the world is disappointing and left me numb.
I know she'll be my last trace of humanity.

Its been ages.
Where have you gone?

if you read

If you're reading this, i hope you know.
The chemistry test had been a wake up call.
What sounded so distant, what sounded illusive.
What was a joke now sound all so serious.

And i know why.
I finally know why I'm so anxious.
You've always told me that you had low self-esteem, are introverted etc.
People say a trial or 2 is good for your health, puts some energy back into old bones.
They say setbacks make one stronger.

I say a close shave is even more memorable.
I say we should leap over this danger.
You shouldn't have to feel the pain of getting retained.

I'm desperate.
Its such an opportunity that we ended up in the same school.
Its crazier to land in the same OG.
Its insane to become good friends.

Its almost impossible and it happened.
One year slipped past, and i have only 1 more year to leave a mark in your life.
I want to see you confident, i want to see you smile.
I want to see you successful, more importantly
i want to see what you're capable of doing in church, as a christian.

I have but 1 year.
And if something bad was to happen, i figure it'd steal that year away.
Once A levels end, once we have our certs, I estimate we'll part.
I'll only remain as a fragment of your memory, and i won't see you ever again.
With luck, maybe Jacon's birthday parties.
Further pushing it, maybe I can attend yours.

I dream of a beautiful time when everything's over.
When we can go out with friends and savour a breath of refreshing freedom.
Through a storm do we see truly clear skies.
Nothing is sweet without putting up a fight.

When you looked at me, and told me you wanted to understand, I was glad.
With each passing day you sprout and grow, you start thinking harder.
Its been encouraging.

Its more exciting then to witness for myself how life can get more interesting.

DIRE

spell it backwards, you're almost there.

Dear unbeliever whom im head over heels in love with.
Love brings people to marriage and marriage brings more love.
Marriage ends at death, marriage unites 2 bodies as 1.
Only when 2 substances have the same type of bonding then are they miscible.
In life, my bond type is Christianity.
Yours isn't- thus we aren't miscible.

In the bible, a relationship between lovers is said to reflect the sweetness
of truly knowing God.
As a result, a believer cannot be yoked with an unbeliever... :(

I could change my bond type to suit you, but I must never!
I hope you understand my plight.
So here's 2 solutions left.

1. You can try changing your bond type to mine.
2. Teach me how to remove you from my equation.

I know you'd rather choose 2, for i do not concern you.
So if thats so, choose and do something.

dream

so, even i wonder what kind of girls do i like.
As i gazed from the grandstand, suddenly i know.
Sunshine.
Joy, simple, drama.
Isn't life supposed to be a drama? It is right?

it makes sense then.

thousands

In moments like this, a thousand of things cross my mind.
cause I, even I find myself weird.
Even I detest myself.

When i ask myself "why has everything come to this?"
I know I won't ever know.
Why i wait till i start screwing up before doing my work.
Why i start screwing up after a success.
Why happiness never fills me ever.
Why i have yet to find back a friend who values me as much as i would value him/her

So many things to be obsessed with, so little time!
Why has it come down to this?
My thoughts are clashing like a chain reaction.
And soon i know the fabrics of my feeble mind won't comprehend them further.
Who is worthy, who is able?

None.
And i thought i wanted to be more positive.

walking down a corridor
vengeance on the right.
a sword on the left.
head tilted down.

why do i always picture mysself like that?
what the heck.

wait wait.

i know what i said.
i know i said i wont be upset or angry.

I'm not angry, well, but i am upset.
Sometimes i wonder if what Jon says is true.
"You give too much and expect too much in return."
Sigh, I'm still so immature.
Its still a trade, I'm still light years away from giving.

I dont know what this spells.
You missed the appointment 3 times in a row.
Every single time I'd have to find you.
And when I'm sought I'd make myself found.

But when I'm looking it takes so much luck just to find you.

I think i latched onto the wrong plant.
I'm the one who's getting drained.

withering.

I was in church, looking at past photographs.
my heart aches, from the pictures i know the unphotogenic me has now become more unphotogenic.
I feel a deep pain of loss.

how can a flower wither before it has blossomed?
How can a man falter before he is old?

Isit because its no longer reflecting the radiance?
Isit the pimples?
Isit the diminished inner beauty?
Isit the expanding cheeks?
between the lines, miss the point.

maybe its because im still rotting inside.
or maybe its because im already tired from acting.
acting like a saint, acting mature, acting generous, acting free, acting smart.
act, act, act. etc.
its evident then, now as i am feeling powerless.
I seek to gain power, but i purposely search somewhere else.
I know where to get power.

i do, i do.

It wasnt a long time ago when i got powerful.
But whenever i used it for personal gains, i feel the power drained away.
There used to be a smile that was true.
Till i said it isnt, it isnt, and it went away.

why do people only treasure things when they're gone?
Indeed then, rising to the occasion isn't always a good thing, after it, you fall back anyway.
Its sad how adaptability becomes a liability.
Its weird how lying low may make you oblivious and ungrateful.
And ungratefulness, remains the poison it is.

withers the flowers prematurely.

sad right?

excuses

I was sitting in the canteen with my friends, doing some unnecessary last-minute studying.
There was this really good looking volleyballer sitting somewhere near, right behind us.
As typical guys they were, they started talking.
"There that one, quite pretty, go for her lah!" JN said, teasingly.
"Where, which one?"
"That one, with the green white bag."
"siao!"

that comment took me by surprise, "siao" isn't exactly an orthodox word to go with this conversation.
so i asked.
"why? cannot meh?" backing up with facts i learnt, "She's never had a boyfriend."
I still find it hard to believe, but from my reliable sources, I know it must be true.

"of course no boyfriend la, she so pretty who dare to try?"
i chuckled in my heart, because it was really funny, and because i always chuckle.
Don't guys go for girls just for looks these days?
Well, maybe then they go for pretty, but loose girls-girls who look easy to get- all for namesake.
pitiful.

and then they continued, to the ever mysterious topic. sex.
was appalled to hear that one of them views sex so lowly, he'd do it before marriage to curb the desires.
"but ah, he's just so hippy" I'd tell myself.
sometimes i hope i could say something harsh, like," look at you! who would want to sex with you?"
Then again, nowadays even that isn't true. Sex has degraded from love, to physical attraction, and to something lousier these days.

fleeting

a moment too sweet.
let complacency, let foolishness take it away.

today was the cremation ceremony, yes, already.
And like i failed to say yesterday,

I really think its pitiful to gather over a funeral.
I can never tell you guys how disappointed I am.

many of you just owe me.
Those tears shed, just how pure were they?

I wonder how grandfather felt.
As he carried your atroucities to grave.
Neither fillial neither exemplary.

passion;

passion. What is passion?

apparently, the root word encompasses submission and sacrifice.
What's your passion?
Singing, dancing? Love?

Passion is a strong emotion? Not!
Even emotions can wither away before a storm.

Passion is unyielding.
Passion is about sacrificing for something you derive joy from.
No, this is no sadistic pleasure.
Sadistic pleasure is sacrificing for pleasure.

There is no other passion like Christ, sacrificing his life
For the joy of mankind's salvation.

what do you sacrfice for today?
Have you lost your passion lately?

Passion cannot be lost!
Calculate your costs before setting out for the journey!

one curtain after another

My heart slowed.
"Its alright now, i thought."
I found her, like always, she's with the guys.
I'd have been with the girls, but you cant have many at one go.
At times you've gotto give up much for a single gem, yeah...

My heart fell.
"That's him."
I found him, i knew he'd be around.
"Do you have a polaroid camera?" he asked my buddy.

His voice! How do i find words for it?
It was strong, powerful,friendly, warm. His words were simple.
My heart stopped when i noticed how her actions changed around him.
Before me, stood a millenial appointment, individuals truly made for one another.
A divine edict, an inseparable match from heaven.

I was overwhelmed by hopelessness.
My heart then, became like stone, before them, i was like a fool.
My camera almost fell out of my hand.

Yes, so she is one year older.
But age gap never seemed more solid a wall then that night.
I was speechless. My will went dry, my hopes were lost.
As we got into the car, buddy's mum asked.

"So, did he turn up?"
"yeah, he was sitting beside me!" her voice resonated behind a curtain of exhileration and embarrassment.
I kept my gaze straight, i knew i musn't see with my own eyes, the joy on her face.
"Did he say you were pretty?"
"yeah, he did." her voice now toneless as her eyes were preoccupied on her handphone, she sends a message to i-know-who.

I could jolly well guess how his "you look gorgeous tonight" swept her away.

and i didnt even need to wait till ihear of his expensive birthday bundle yesterday.
"Come on now, its great to be single", you'd say.

a funnel

God have mercy on the "happy" ones.
Why are we the ones burdened with the weight of the sin of the world?

God, fill the funnel from the top.
Let your overflowing mercy join with the tiny stream of the point end of the funnel.
Feed the world, let your mercy flow and drain from us, but please, keep us happy.

I have decided, to follow Jesus closer
No turning back..
No turning back.

dead in transgressions.

Sometimes Lord, i rather you don't save a loser like me.

Sometimes i feel like your unlimited love cannot save me.
Sometimes i feel your generous grace cannot reach me.
Sometimes i like a misfit in your perfect plan.

This is how i see life.
Despair, hopeless, doomed, torment.
Joy is but comfort.

Why cant i have a life like them?
Why wasn't i born stupid?

Tonight is just a crazy night.
Im tired, my body is creaking.
But Lord, i want to blog till i find an answer.
Running away just hurts so much!

"This is faith in my risen lord. This is hope, that my sins he forgot."
Isit?
Have i died so deep in my own problems I cannot turn back?
Being inflamed with lust, greed and horrible deed?

HOW MUCH LONGER O' LORD SHALL I SUFFER?!
HOW MUCH LONGER SHALL I REMAIN IN THE DARK?!

why why, behind that flippant facade.
Lies that angsty boy.
Still too childish for the world.

"give me 100 zealous followers of christ and i shall shake the very gates of hell"
You know God, i wished it was true.
Don't let the devil steal my heart away.

dark chocolate

I told this friend sometime ago.
Life is like dark chocolate.

dark
bitter
sweet.

Some people love dark chocolate, some people dont.
Some people rather live in a life of merry milk chocolate and rainbow-coloured M&ms.

Some people totally hate chocolate.
Be it with marshmellows or cream inbetween.
Be it a cake or even icecream.

But you like dark chocolate, dont you?

broken in many places

I just came back from a merry party.
But i'm not in a hurry to post the photos.
Why? Because i'm not merry.

Just imagine. Being sick, having a hefty weightload tomorrow.
Everything is definitely wrong here.
Who am i kidding? How long do i plan to look without a returning gaze?
How long am i going to get wrong signals, get wrong ideas?
When will i stop hoping in the impossible?

Getting up from the cozy bed. Every morning you want to see that face.
Every morning you do.
And you wonder why God allows attraction to occur between jigsaw puzzles that dont fit.
Why have i so little control over my own life?
There's work, there's humiliation, there's guilt, there's slavery, there's her.
And ouch, why.
Why is love so forbidden?
And why why isit so impossible?

I dont think of why God allows illness and death.
Sometimes i wonder why i'm so natural.
How isit fair that i should be natural? How isit fair that i should be led by my nose?
Every night when i walk down a particular flight of stairs, my breath becomes heavy.
I've lost much, and i have gained little.
I've so much to say, so much to confess, but why am i left with no one but God?
I dont see the privileage! I dont feel the bliss!

I'm feeling devastated. It felt like another crippling blow.
Why things never turn out well, that i'll never know.
God if you could hear this prayer, if only you could.

Take this all away! TAKE IT ALL AWAY!
Why do i have to do this!

As i saw how he swept her away.
I felt the pain of my loss.
Why are the delightful things starting to be kept away?

Nothing has gone right for quite awhile.
Lord, where is the way out?

speak more

teacher opened his mouth.
Tuck Yan is a kind and nice boy. He's quiet and i know he studies.
I think he needs to speak up more.

I go to church and im in trouble. My triple trap has yet to be brokened.
When i speak up more, everyone's not exactly therefore happy
but at least we save the misunderstanding, and gain understanding.

don't

Lord please dont make me a greater sinner
to display your mercy and glory.
God please save me already, your plans i cannot understand.

my paths are all awry.
I'm not living a victorious life.
I feel so unhappy inside.

I slack all day
I'm becoming vulgar again
I'm crude and unkind
I'm in love with an unbeliever.

I'm doing everything wrong.
And the unconfessed is even worse.

Show me once again dear Lord.
That you do work miracles.
Lord please dont wait.

save me already...

turn on

turn off!

The script! TURN OFF! A TURN OFF!



what was with those grammar errors? The incoherent sentences?

For awhile i was sure PJ'll be doom, and i was dying again, to run somewhere else.



I think im a bad example to my club members.

Im such an act cool snob. And they follow, because they, think its cool.

It isnt, and i only realised when they displayed their perfect mimicking.



So there they were, the jolly ambassadors, complaining abt the idiot councillors.

And there i was, shocked at the lousy standard of work.

"Those in AC would've done a better job, easily."

i keep thinking, keep comparing.

"RJ.."

"blah.."



The script was a monster to behold.

Clearly slipshod, crap. And they were planning for us to read it to students

from other JCs. Talk about embarassment!

Of course, they weren't taking the kiddos for the walk themselves.

So they thought a little kid's play could fool us into being proud of them.

NAWH. Didnt work, not even for a second.
I'm just so disappointed, i dont know how i can say it clear enough.
later.

crossroads

In my life right now, there are desirables.

There's something i want to apologise for. I always claim that memory
is a weighing of how much something really mattered.
Many things matter to me, and thus i can recall many things.

But why isit that somethings i cannot remember?
Why, they're all so hopeful and joyful, have i put on such a mindset
that i can no longer recall joyous past?

Hello De En (:
hah. I'm the FIRST
to write for you. Aren't you
happy XD. hahah. Its been
nice talking to you.
From arguing to teasing (MAGNET)
and whatsoevers, I'm glad
I got to know you :) God
Bless in everything. My
wish for you: to grow into a
humble man :D!

was reading this during class a few days ago.
for awhile, the dark clouds really disappeared.

I'm a magnet, im nice to talk to, i used to be tease-able
People used to be glad they know me, some still do and i thank God they do.
God is still blessing me in everything.

But im still not a humble man.
I've been naughty in the past, i'm sure i can be good and yet still enjoy life.

come on come on, wash the negativity.
Put on the armor of light
people need the positivity.

God, please make this life of mine meaningful to others.
It'll then be meaningful to myself.

60

60 is the number.
for university entry.
60 is the number, a scar of failure.

60 is their number, their hopes and dreams.
60 is without pw, with pw it'll remain the same.

60 is the number im glad i had.
60 is not the number, thus aspire higher to get.

60 is a reflection, a mirror of my shame.
60 is the reflection, of Gods glorious grace.
60 is a reflection, of my ungrateful face.

60 for uni? HIgher! HIGHER!

W T H?

disarrayed, disenchanted, disillusioned- destroyed.

Getting back chinese paper was the ride of my life- the worst ride ever.
First you see that you got an E grade.
Your denial remains strong.

You see that your famed compo is scoring nonsense
your denial crumbles.

Your paper spells your marks in red.
Undeniable.

Your marks are nonsense.
nearly suicidal.

Your mistakes were stupid!
unforgivable!

Your teacher's flippant tone gets into your head!
Incomprehensible.

Your good friend has got an A!
impossible!

many questions sweep your head silly

torrents of nauseating thoughts clog up your mind.

You dont get it again.
There's so so much going wrong, you're lost, drown in the hell of it all.

There's so much you've got to right up.
There's no direction to travel, you're left to wonder alone.

Your friend talks about suicide
your "friend" says its stupid.
The unfeelingness murders you so badly you want to murder "friend"

You clench your fist, you constipate.
Your face turns red while your fists turn blue.

Its crazy crazy wonderful.
You skip GP lecture and wander home.

You shut the door and close the curtains.
You switch on the fan and hear it whisper.

The sky's extremely gloomy today- you wonder why.
You wonder why the rooms so dark, you wonder why the lamp's so glaring

The sky might just be brighter tomorrow.
Sleep early, pack odt- smile, cauz the hopeless world's gonna need one.

the S in the CCB

"14/30..."
"right, the essays with an anyhow pass will save the paper"
"9/25"
"23/55"

"S."

It didnt make sense.
I studied, I was confident.
The walls around me collapsed upon me.
Everything broke. Logic, heart, tears, hope, pride.

I dont get it! Did i really write these?
Why is everything so unclear? Why do the words sound so defiant?
Why are the diagrams not explained?

The pulsating thoughts passed through my wounded mind.
What on earth happened?

My heart was dying, dying to prove itself.

"I'm not some kinda S grade student shit!"
My right hand flailing at the air.

I really dont get it, really, really dont.
I couldnt figure how i was gonna convey this to my friends either.

My hand covered the marks in denial, even my neighbour must not know.
He'd tell me I was wasting my life away, it'd make me feel suicidal.

Those eyes, glistening eyes!
They demanded to hear good news from me, news i cannot offer.

My lips felt dry,
hope vapourised from the morning sky.

that's why, shamelessly
I entrust the remaining 2 papers into your hands.

How does it feel like to be afraid to excel?

the residue

"they were just making noise"....

I was helpless, i could hardly make any sense of the cacophony.

There she was shouting and directing, there they were making their own directions heard.
Look at that frown! Feel the anger! Be torn by the tension!

Its events like this that make me worry for the church.
Such happenings make the world seem alot more hopeless.

we're the churchies, the elects, and this is what we're capable of?
Why that pulsing vein on your foreheads, why the lack of obedience?
Wheres the sense of humility, where's the mutual responsibility?

If the elected of God can accomplish only dis-harmony...

wait, no. so am i.
Its one thing to be the fool in the conflict.
Its another to stand back and claim to see and know.

The other is a greater evil.
When Christians become hypocrites, its time to look back onto the final standing truth.

Always look back to God- dont lose hope.
heh'

go-' unfinished business

Awhile ago i was smiling away.
i was drunk in my delightful dinner and my thoughts were afray.

But the moment has come-
"she'll be leaving in 2 mins!"
"hurry let's take the photos!"

The excitement in their voices, how was one going to guess they'll eventually cry?
Right then, when the voices echoed in the rather, empty terminal 3, regrets then finally
crept to my mind.


Watched me grow, watched me learn.
Cared for me even when i was unlovable.
Taught me, fooled around with me- stepped down from her seniority
showed me grace, more importantly, love.
As i watched her back, my heart started to ache.
What'll only be 3 months starts becoming forever.

Photos taken, it was almost time, almost time to go.
With the few seconds ticking away, she entrusted a hug to her old friends.
She turns around
she walks to me.

Both her arms were almost up, i could feel myself being drawn to a hug.
"Oh why should i be enjoying this, the rest she hugged were girls..."
"I'm a guy, I'll give it amiss."
I thought.

My right hand gripped the camera even tighter, my mouth opened...
"What?" i asked her, as if i couldn't figure why her arms were outstretched.

She broke a tear, she made a smile.
I was cold but nevertheless, still me.

She continues and gives our choir leader a hug, the song writer a hug, my cousin a hug...


She removes her crumpler from her right shoulder..
And wore it across her shoulders.

She turns,
she leaves.
The security checks her, and she proceeds through the sliding glass doors.
She takes the step that'll finally make the difference:
Now she'll be so far, and yet also
so far to me.

The unfinished business stirs in my chest.

It isn't fun to owe a hug after all.

accepting

my stomach was like a void.

The steamboat dinner last night left me with a larger appetite, and an empty wallet.
The morning was screwed, wasted the remnants of my money to negate a portion of my late coming.
And such preservation wasn't even required, much less deserved.
Pw lecture was a grinding mill, breaking morales and spirits.

But right now, i just want to get over and done with this.
-maybe i should've disappeared, if not because i couldnt bear loneliness.

Its lunch time, and for once, after so long, i'm without a 10 dollar note in my wallet.
Holding the hunger was like the strain from withstanding a benchpress, but what my friends do
instead added more weights to the bar.

"I can lend you money wad.." he offers.
apparently then the fear of receiving help isnt quite a common fear.
I'm not much of a giver, much less in monetary terms.
Maybe its because im guilty, maybe its because i'm proud, but the next idea, her idea, placed me in the most torturous moment yet.

"We can all chip in 50 cents for his lunch" , "Then he'll have enough!"
Imagine splitting the torment into 5, with each split not lessening.
As the heavy 50cents coins slammed onto the table, my heart ache.

I was trying to reconcile love with the pain in my heart.

Again, she worries me the most- and hurts me the most.
Amidst the pain i see her innocent smile and for awhile im convinced again that only I
speak to myself.

What's so humiliating in being honoured?
What's so sad in receiving?
What's so bad in being loved?

What's so hard to let it flow?

what's so important i can't
let
go?

dream dream.

look at how fast time flies!

a few, insignificant days lie ahead before examinations start. and still im blogging ruthlessly.
actually im not.

you again?

?

a keyboard is easier to play than it is to type.
so why am i not a musician yet?

this is so weird, what went wrong again?
I'm so so able to picture myself studying alone later.
What's with this awkwardness and little enthusiasism?

Oh come on, life isnt worth complaining about.

sneeze

"when you sneeze, someone thinks of you.."
well old pal, if that is ever true

i sneezed more than my fingers could count.
someone's missing me on this cold rainy morning.
How romantic can that be? Morning, rain, unthreatening cold?

haha dream on. do physics homework.

tug of war

first whistle

the teams scrambled for their ropes, and at random picked them up.

I looked around, nobody was planning to go down without a fight.

The teams! Spammed packed with guys!

I turned my head with reluctance, my head furiously tabulating our chances.

A guy, a girl, a guy, a girl.

50%, no 20. maybe 15?



Second whistle

My thoughts were interupted, the teams pulled back, making the rope taut.

I slipped and then I too, pulled back.

The referee raised her hands, signalling for a stop.

But she wasn't heeded and she had to raise her voice,

"STOP!" "MOVING!"

"This team MOVE BACK!"

"You!"

"STOP PULLING!"

round 1 must have already touched her nerve.



3rd whist...

The ropes tighten instantaneously!

The knots became visually smaller, producing a loud, unpleasant sound.

The team directly opposite! Is already at the offensive!

The ring waltzed between the crossing line.

My heart was pumping harder and harder, the other 4 teams adjusted their positions in an attempt to avoid an early victory.

The strain was unbearable as the muscles warmed up rapidly.

The ring moved back into the safety of the boundaries

I relaxed, unknowingly.

Immediately the opportunists on the right pulled with all their might, causing the teams on the left to reel and lose balance!

I turned around and pushed at the opposing direction, putting myself inbetween their team and their victory.

The strain was insane, my exhausted, empty arms could barely take on the insanity of an entire team.



But not for long,

the teams on the left have already regained their balance,

now giving the teams on the right a taste of their fury.



thinking it through with whatever brains i had

i relaxed my grip, allowing the beasts on either sides drain themselves of energy.



wait.

wait, wait.



I took in a deep breath, slowly figured my grip around the knots of the rope.

I extended my left feet to get a better balance and grip.



Out of the blue! BURST!

I could feel my team following my cue, we were dragging the exhausted teams off their feets and the ring was nearing our crossing line!

Energy was draining, draining, draining.

Time was running out, soon i'll be out of juice and when i do, victory will be out of sight.

I know I know... our advance was stopping, the might of 4 teams was just impossible to oppose.



But we have to... we have to...

make it.



I turned around, dragging the rope behind me, one heavy step at a time.

One more step! Another!

AND ANOTHER!

ANOTHER! ONE MORE.

ONE more.

more.. more..

The rope felt rough on my skin.

It felt rough against my cold skin.

Time's up, i couldnt make one more.

Theres nothing left to negotiate for one more.



But

There wasnt a need for 1 more.



I turned around just in time to hear the

fourth whistle.

The judge.. she raised her hands once again.

Her right hand lowered, the index finger slowly emerging
Her head was still lowered.
This was where her finger was pointing, in the victor's face.
IN MY FACE?

I turned around, there was this feeling surging from within.
I threw down the ropes, and slowly walked towards my bewildered teammates.
When my smile curled up
I felt my excitement and happiness gushed out, and hugged some and then
Hi-5-ed some.
Its just crazy! How did we win!?
How did we lay waste to those tough muscular sports guys?
How did we tumble that sturdy anchorman?

But my excitement ran out.
If only if she saw me and my victory.
Would that win her heart over? Why is she just sitting over there?

Didn't it at least... rub something off her?
it didnt?

then what did i win for?

what happened?

my documents is filled with a few derelict, half done, half hearted supplements.
Really reflects on your spiritual state doesnt it?
Why so confused so disarrayed.

Why so unable, so handicapped so powerless?
beats me.

God help me, i know i cant even bring out this week's.
Please help me align myself.
I really, really want to do this.

hearty chat

was having a nice long chat with erin, clara and jon today after LTC precamp.
luckily im in same grp as clara and jon, but erin.. haha sigh poor thing.

we were talking abt BGR. my bro's right, JC students are way more open.
talked this talked that
discussed myths and controversies.

"guys are superficial, they go after looks"
"Girls are gentle?"
"What do you look for in a partner?"
"will you divorce over adultery?"

such.
had a great time quoting from my bittersweet church experience.
Indeed as i reflect, the world has penetrated the church. Its the same thing! Backstabbers, coldness, lies, unloving, compromise la. and la. and la.

looking back, maybe the church is getting better. I dont quite hear the i hate you you hate mes going around.

LTC camp. i'll mourn for you erin, but i'll have fun.
so many things to prepare, im just glad my grp didnt seem to have proudass people.
I hate MOE campsites... But well, i'll pray for the campsite.
Hope nobody gets spooked, pray that all will be smooth.

OOoh, aint i drowning in disbelief.
I need to give more of myself to faith.

irony-

i know im in trouble. i have yet to receive a reply.
oddly, you know things when people tell you. But sometimes you know better when they dont.
This is how action speaks louder than words.

went to the hospital today, my bed-confined uncle was lying pale and fragile.
I cannot recall him looking so skinny, he was never lively but now even his eyes are glassy.
He struggled to get his back up so he could see us clearly.
"hhehello.." his raspy voice trailed off, his hand waving limply.

His eyes were filled with unsurmountable regret.
if i knew... i wouldnt have smoked. Was the message.
Life is too fragile to have regrets. Life becomes more fragile while regretting.

"can you get me onto the wheelchair and push me around?" he pleaded with aunt.
"no, look at how many tubes you've got"
"oh yeah, now i realise..." he replied in a silly fashion.

i forced a smile, i know he needs as many as i can give.

I have yet to see a patient on the verge of death, inflicted with lung cancer joyfully speaking away. Every single breath must hurt alot, every single word like a stab in the chest.

last night was worse, he looks better today.

"better?" i thought, "really..."

I know i must be sad, but i cant even cry if i want.
The past few days gave my heart a flashfreeze.

and i feel like im already tired of life.

for the same reason you live, by the same reason you die.


i already know i live by the wrong reasons. maybe love is, evil.

wrong word.

"i'll try to take care"

my carefully engineered, sarcasm filled sms was sent.
i knew it was the wrong thing to do. A wrong thing to send to a girl.
A wrong thing to send to a girl who already has something against you.

But i cant help it, i swear!
My whole world is falling around me- homework, my friends and now even the closest girl i have.
Why does this have to be so? dont you know that i cannot live without girls in my life?
Dont you know it murders me to see my friend led like a sheep to slaughter?
Dont you know that i dont dont do homework out of rebelliousness?

but.
why did i take it out on a girl. why didnt i talk things out?
Why SO IDIOT!?
you sent her away , dont whine away now.
I said the wrong words, did the wrong things.

why else can things be wrong?