I'm incredibly delighted by the knocking and drilling goin' on in my neighbour's house upstairs.
Its really awesome. I mean, first people burn stuff when you're studying for prelims.. and then they start picking auspicious dates for renovation.
Its great. Go on, drill, dont stop.

love, at a price.

Dear YS
I dont know why your tone changed when i shared that i've been trying to get over 2 girls, at the same time. What i speculate is, either im overreacting, or you're holding so fast to your belief in "true love".
You know, sometimes i doubt anyone really understands what i mean when i say i like somebody.
Most people refuse to be honest with themselves, thinking that a 'better' word, 'infatuation' will do them justice.
I dont want to judge them, but they can be wrong about themselves, unwilling to admit the weakness they share along with me, and happily absolving their guilt with a change of words.
Of course when we say "get over" it really means that the liking goes beyond secret admiring. That perhaps some course of action had been considered... and perhaps carried out fully or partially.
What i want to tell you is this: love isnt some lovey dovey thingy that happens when 2 people are inclined towards one another.
Love comes at a price, and that price i believe, is incurred at the choice.
I've always told myself, and now i tell you: dont be ridiculous, you may be destined for a certain person (infact i fancy the idea that humans are created in pairs) but until we're married we'll never know who that other half of a pair is. So since we'll never know, until we view, perhaps 1 second, perhaps a handful of years, from retrospect. Therefore, since we'll never know, dont imagine love to be a downstream river flow that guides you on a linear path...
The reality is that we make choices everyday. And the reality is also that at this given time, we cannot say confidently (and insolently) that we'll end up with anybody. Anything can happen. Sure i may confidently say that i'll not end up with an ahlian... or some random woman in africa- fair enough. But as far as im concerned, every decent lady around my age... is a door that can be opened, but only one of which i'll be stepping into.
Hence, you think to yourself. Oh no, tuckyan is yet another jerk who flirts with girls and stuff, he didnt really love his girlfriend!
WOMAN, let me tell you this, love started when i chose her. When i've decided that no matter how some other girl may appear to be more attractive, i'll be staying together with her, enjoying her, sacrificing for her and try to keep her i proved my love..
Do you understand?
Now wake up from your fairy tale and spare me any look of disgust.
So perhaps girls are frightfully faithful and only like 1 guy at any one given time.
Great, now i told you that not all guys are the same as girls.. and for those of them, they try ever harder.

letter

some days ago i was sitting on a boat.
The seat was really uncomfortable, with the foam under the sheets all worn out
and bits and pieces were scattered on the floor beneath it.
i was with my family and no, i wasn't on a cruise.
I was on a humble boat on my way to tekong to send my brother into army.

Seated somewhere at a corner, i saw another family...
that guy.. he had a really fine looking girlfriend.
So for the next 5 mins, i projected images of girls i knew into the nearly empty cabin scene.
and from the lot of them, i figured: you.

The next few months are months we're all well acquainted with.
Today, i received my enlistment.

A torrent of re-regrets surged in my mind as my dad mentioned regarding the 4 spaces provided for members of family.
I always figured i can take you on the boat, because my brother likely cannot make it.
Everyone knows, but not everyone admits, the unwanted power of emotions.
I can see it already, as i walk along the piers to the boat, alone.. as the idea of sailing alone dominates my mind,
I will be so down there'll be no turning back for me.
If things reach there, maybe.. maybe..

call me a complete fool who has to eat shit and die
but when i have a fever, i suspect my head becomes sensitive to radiation.
lol
like, sitting in front of the computer and having radiation blown into my face from the screen makes my head hurt.
and if my head suddenly hurts, i can almost anticipate with 100% accuracy a message flying into my handphone.

well.. maybe its just freak coincidence.

anyway, today i finally made it to school.
The train ride was the most appetising welcome-back ceremony.
While walking to the escalator, i saw a man running, then i saw a few aunties running, being kiasu and just following the man blindly.
I mean, anyone with a deductive mind should be able to infer that an escalator ride wouldnt take 2 mins and make you miss the train, which was arriving in.. 2mins.
then there's this hippie who obviously, besides being kiasu, was happily subscribing to post modernism and the wanna-be-different atmosphere.
Standing rather still on the escalator when the train was already coming to a stop for its doors to open.
The same hippie ran into the same cabin as me, and he was smiling, almost too pleased with himself.
Here's the welcome:
a flood of putrid gases engulfed the entire cabin and sent my throat back 300000thousand floors into hell.
luckily the lozenges were incredible.
and i managed to ensure that i'll be going back to school tomorrow for farewell ceremony. PHEW.

And every moment under the street lamp
I run and chase my shadow so hard
I endlessly retreat from the unveiling light,
trying, striving set things in place
dodging and repairing, my life to rewrite


and again i'm chasing after the wind
which blows over the earth where my dreams had been
too many mistakes too many faults
i'm torn asunder, and progressed have not.

One avenue, i visited not
and stubbornly refuse till my toes are grey
Oh the only way, as is declared
Shatter and mend me, tis' all i pray.

as my head dipped silently amidst the crowd
you, you were the only one who could see me
the only one who understood from the accumulation under my eyes
interpreted from the invisible streaks across my face.

There and then in moments where i bore the burden
Where others took for granted and dismissed in smiles..

the times i craved to bury
my head into your embrace
and admit the weaknesses i tried to erase..