Reading

when i read joash's blog.
i feel like i blog shit.

I think he can be a good friend, i really think so.
Sometimes i find as if its possible if he's my older brother, the things he blogs, i can truly empathise.
On the other hand, since he is dying so much for a friend, I've thought of taking him as my
next best friend.
But i dont have the guts to,
I know i make a lousy friend.

I'm just another of those guys who think BGR can last now.
And hell, i dont know what im trying to prove.
Maybe its just an excuse for being vulnerable, but that excuse is starting to cost alot.
Im sitting home right now, watching a disaster unfold.

Vivid memories of my form teacher losing it just keep flashing through my mind.
I'm running, running down the tunnel of life.
There's prayer labyrinth, there's the worship aims, there's Insights and Reflections.
Well prayer labyrinth.... its just not that easy. I'm trying to be fresh, but im afraid..
I always get caught up in my own ideas, i dont think for others.
I want to do something so much, i'd sacrifice all the other ideas for it.
I need to stop thinking about myself.

Worship aims..
Leading worship has been the #1 phobia in my life. That makes backup singing #2.
When you go up and lead, with sin tearing you down, man.. it sucks and you find yourself unable.
So far in my life, 2 sessions were successes. And now that i recall, those were the ones where i decided- I'm dead. God save me from this worship leading.
And he did, by personally carrying me through.

Well Insights and reflections... Just another boring PW thingy.
I really dont feel like doing it, i know i can do it at a whim.
But i've gotto change.
Its high time to change.

This holiday... please.. may it be the time for me to undergo metamorphosis and leave this pitiful shell of mine behind.
I want to be different, i want this retreat to give me time to change.
Next year, life is just going to get harder.