until you learn

It's a pretty frustrating thing when you arrive at the laundry, only to see the washing machines ticking down to the final minutes.
You endure it, you sit for awhile and then when it hits zero, you dismay to find that there's no one really coming to clear the machine of their clothes. However, you do notice at the same time that it was wrong of you to expect that.
You whip out your laptop to do your readings, but you can't focus. Something just eludes you. The reason... why would anybody not collect their clothes on time? Isn't it highly plausible that someone may need it right away?

There's something else eluding you, it's yourself. You don't know why you took 10 whole minutes to clear yours out the last time, you don't know why you were so relieved to see there nobody was there, waiting to bring you down.
Now you just don't know why you're so critical. You wonder why you're so blind about yourself.

So you must sit and wait, there is no clue or signal. There is no estimation.

For the time which seems stretching to infinity, you wait, until you learn..

that you are critical not because you're better.
You are because you are fallen.

Comprehend

"No Surprise"

Brought my mind back to the final days of army. Those days where though the end was imminent we were in no hurry to forgive each other. We were political till the very end, the prospect of the end did no bring us peace nor motivate us to settle for even some cheap (because it would have been so much worthier if we did it in the toughest of times) reconciliation.

The staggered leaves and offs did not help at all.
The groups who stayed behind together stuck together, each one with words to say about the choice of days the others took. Everyone had an opinion about the ones who delayed their wisdom tooth extraction to the final days.

As the song played on, a mysterious sense of loss welled up in my heart. This loss harkens back to the insignificant days where as we walked back from the cookhouse, I mused about missing army someday when everything was over. But it doesn't stop there

My hypocrisy assaults me like a mad man with a club.
Dude, what are you really missing? This nonsense? You missing the pretentious smiles or the unproductive days? You can't miss something you didn't bleed for.

And what did I not bleed for?
Did I not put myself in the line of fire, have I not spoken courageously against the officers?
Have I not sacrificed, have I not gone the extra mile to cover the asses of those who were happy to burden everyone else?
Have I not, in a dramatic fashion, freely forgave my commander for the stupid decisions he made, one of which gifted me an injury I still deal with today?
have I not worked for a good ending, a life which I can look back and say, "no regrets?"

But it's not enough, much of what I did, I did for myself.
No wonder I felt so disillusioned. No wonder I felt that it wasn't paying off. At the root of it all was a lack of concern about each individual. I didn't really care what becomes of them, so long as I myself lived a life of no regrets.
But that in fact, is the biggest, immutable regret till this date.

See, the lack of love, of genuine interest in the individuals sabotaged every good thing. It was the point of everything, but without it...
Sometimes I catch myself looking at those people and thinking... well, these guys are just for awhile, shouldn't get too embroiled in their issues. Before I know it, I was aiming for the end, for the day when we have nothing to do with each other.

Perhaps hence the pain. A recurring theme in my life. A corruption creeping into my new shot in life. I set myself up for it, I turn disillusioned, my actions appear more costly, I become discontented, I withdraw, I give up... not knowing I gave up before I even tried.

What if this is simply me? It doesn't take long for anyone to realise that my stubbornness does utterly permeate me. I may not even change. I think of the people who eventually went along with me and accompanied me for many years.. I shudder at the thoughts I have about them. My cynicism, a dividing void, can sometimes prevent me from entering into the enjoyment.

I finally understand why it's no surprise.

Flashpoint

The anticipated day finally shows its face.
I had my first written assignment returned to me. At long last.

A wake up call really, as I recounted the thought processes which led up to the work of disaster (well, I was last in class I believe). The thoughts, open or closed. Relevant or insidious.. I recalled them all as my eyes traced the words.
Then my brutal honestly turned upon me.

Strictly speaking, I was already receiving results which by no means condemned the essay deservingly.
As my fingers traced the prose they trembled slightly.

I must be mad, I thought. These were all things i fancied saying, not what was really relevant.
Then I drew additional lines from the result I've been receiving for the philosophy assignments.
It's undeniable. The whole journey was fraught with arrogance and immaturity.

Arrogance because there were things I wanted to say, brilliant ideas I wanted to propose. Immature because I went on with them anyway.

It's not that I'm stupid, incompetent or anything. It's really an attitude problem.

Things are about to get rough, I hope.










The happy nonchalant days are passing. These weeks were fraught with days which were like a slap on the face. But after each one the task of appearing unfazed.
Because that's what everyone else does.
Funny thing is, I'm poised to get more of those slaps, you'll say.

damn it! what's with the mysterious sense of discontentment?

mortality, finitude.

Now I know that they think differently.

My realisation and displeasure of my finitude.. is something I must come to terms with, the only thing which needs and can be done.

hey, have you not heard? Our eyes were fashioned finite to understand His glory.

Let it be

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Let it be dear Lord, let these be.

I will do good to them. I will consider my own actions. Help me to rejoice.
Be my song, guard my mind.

closed doors.

Another door has closed in my face.

I had to do it.
I had to push you to see how far I could get you.

Of course it's really unfair to say that I was really being me.
No, I don't think I've achieved enough permeance to remain sane while being so serious.

But it's something I've set out to work towards...
It feels like a... pretty lonely journey ahead.
I'll reach there someday.
I'll become someone you will not accept.
And I don't expect many to either.

captivating

With that, the whole morning is spent. 

Can the internet really have that much to offer me?

I woke up this morning with plans. Plans to flip open that sociology textbook and get over the ambiguity which has been bugging me. I also had plans to hit the book on the reformation era..

and those sneaky philosophical considerations...

Oh but well. It started off with a good intentioned checking up on the printer I'm going to get, of course, it's the first step towards studying I'd say.

I'd say. 

But here we are. A few youtube videos and brief bumming on facebook.. and here I am. Unaccomplished. 

It's bugging me a little in this very specific instance. I dare not say it genuinely bugs me.

If it did I'll be doing something about it (now this is philosophical. There's a philosophy about human action hidden beneath this, damn the sensitivity. I don't even know if you are good for me.)

But man.. I want a high gpa, and I want to squeeze into dean's list.

I want. But I also don't know for what.