hearty chat

was having a nice long chat with erin, clara and jon today after LTC precamp.
luckily im in same grp as clara and jon, but erin.. haha sigh poor thing.

we were talking abt BGR. my bro's right, JC students are way more open.
talked this talked that
discussed myths and controversies.

"guys are superficial, they go after looks"
"Girls are gentle?"
"What do you look for in a partner?"
"will you divorce over adultery?"

such.
had a great time quoting from my bittersweet church experience.
Indeed as i reflect, the world has penetrated the church. Its the same thing! Backstabbers, coldness, lies, unloving, compromise la. and la. and la.

looking back, maybe the church is getting better. I dont quite hear the i hate you you hate mes going around.

LTC camp. i'll mourn for you erin, but i'll have fun.
so many things to prepare, im just glad my grp didnt seem to have proudass people.
I hate MOE campsites... But well, i'll pray for the campsite.
Hope nobody gets spooked, pray that all will be smooth.

OOoh, aint i drowning in disbelief.
I need to give more of myself to faith.

irony-

i know im in trouble. i have yet to receive a reply.
oddly, you know things when people tell you. But sometimes you know better when they dont.
This is how action speaks louder than words.

went to the hospital today, my bed-confined uncle was lying pale and fragile.
I cannot recall him looking so skinny, he was never lively but now even his eyes are glassy.
He struggled to get his back up so he could see us clearly.
"hhehello.." his raspy voice trailed off, his hand waving limply.

His eyes were filled with unsurmountable regret.
if i knew... i wouldnt have smoked. Was the message.
Life is too fragile to have regrets. Life becomes more fragile while regretting.

"can you get me onto the wheelchair and push me around?" he pleaded with aunt.
"no, look at how many tubes you've got"
"oh yeah, now i realise..." he replied in a silly fashion.

i forced a smile, i know he needs as many as i can give.

I have yet to see a patient on the verge of death, inflicted with lung cancer joyfully speaking away. Every single breath must hurt alot, every single word like a stab in the chest.

last night was worse, he looks better today.

"better?" i thought, "really..."

I know i must be sad, but i cant even cry if i want.
The past few days gave my heart a flashfreeze.

and i feel like im already tired of life.

for the same reason you live, by the same reason you die.


i already know i live by the wrong reasons. maybe love is, evil.

wrong word.

"i'll try to take care"

my carefully engineered, sarcasm filled sms was sent.
i knew it was the wrong thing to do. A wrong thing to send to a girl.
A wrong thing to send to a girl who already has something against you.

But i cant help it, i swear!
My whole world is falling around me- homework, my friends and now even the closest girl i have.
Why does this have to be so? dont you know that i cannot live without girls in my life?
Dont you know it murders me to see my friend led like a sheep to slaughter?
Dont you know that i dont dont do homework out of rebelliousness?

but.
why did i take it out on a girl. why didnt i talk things out?
Why SO IDIOT!?
you sent her away , dont whine away now.
I said the wrong words, did the wrong things.

why else can things be wrong?

looking, furiously

have you looked for something important before?
I'm looking for a shoebag. Its important to me, because its important to her.

i dont know why after much thought im still stuck at square one.
I dont know why im willing to give so much to anyone.
What am i up to? I do not know.
I'm dying to see her everyday.

difference? prayer

God is becoming more and more real to me.
In his ministry, prayer is indispensable. Dont pray, dont fair- give little glory to God.

In his family, dont pray, cant love. Poor witness, bad testimony.

How do i know?
This week was a badass week. I did my homework, but things didnt quite work out for me.

Got into some serious crippling depression over some girl.
Had sports heats, ambassador club courses.
This week was just heart wrenching- but given a choice i would want another.

After a whole week of awkwardness, i prayed and submitted everything pertaining to the girl to God..
Then i sent a sms of apology.
And the sun came out to shine again.

Was busy, couldnt plan for worship leading.
Felt awkward, felt frustrated. I prayed and start to work, choose songs connect em' etc.

In the end, it turned out well. Heard it was my best attempt so far.
PHEW! Am i relieved, but i know im going to need to strive harder.
Im going to need to aim higher. Gonna need to spend more time thinking about the theme and matching the right songs. No stress though
I know I'll start to enjoy it. heh

Well, the week ahead is just retarded. No human beings should be put through such nonsense!
Ahh but people taking 4H2s are aliens- guess it cant be helped!

gtg man. look at the time!
*points at some distant wall*

you turn around and see dust.

being important

Her teary eyes met mine.
a while ago i was on my phone, i was invited for AC choir audition.
On the other hand, she had received a call confirming her appeal rejection.

Just a minute ago, i was still believing that i may go to ACJC with this new friend of mine.
A minute later, i know myself that she wasn't just a friend.

She said,
"Would you stay even if your appeal made it?"
Her eyes started to swell, she turned her gaze upon the cold, hard concrete floor.

We were at the grandstand, it was full of people, but for that moment it really felt personal.
I was shocked. I didnt know why such a question came out of her mouth, but there was this smile hung across my heart.
I maintained a serious look.

"Honestly," i said, "i dont know."
Actually i knew, and then actually i was confused, for within a split second, my burning ambition extinguished and instantly i almost hoped my audition would fail me.

She got up to her feet.
Its weird, i remarked from retrospect. A few days ago, on the first day of orientation she didnt even meet my wave.
Now she's challenging me to lay aside my current greatest dream.
My heart was no longer mine.

The next few minutes was silence.
I watched her back, from it i found my sense of belonging.
Somehow she became my reason for staying in PJC.

Lately, my reason's starting to fade away.
I guess the real reason why i went back monday with a smile then.
I was dying to tell her that i'll be accompanying her in PJ, she wouldn't be alone.
She can finally be glad.

It must've been me and my imagination all along.

i guess i have a need to feel important to someone.
And now i already feel so, so unwanted.


take this with a pinch of salt, will ya?