as i wiped the sweat off from my nose wondered how you do it and still look so beautiful.

recently. i've been screwing around with the time i have.
sometimes, the rare times i sit back to go brutal on the things i do
brutally honest i mean, evaluate every screwing-around i've been involved in.

i dont know, im really upset when i try to help people who well.. more or less gave up themselves.
i dont know. shouldnt i be compassionate and... feel sorry for them? why have i gone further in the spectrum to all these bitterness and who-knows-what.

oh God help me. i'm such a fool. i can't make decisions in my life without you.
everything goes wrong when im alone..

i dont know you

but i want you

all the more for that

so

take this sinking boat and point it home

we still got time...

why do you read my blog, you.

what do you know of those stories i tell you, when i've never told you about yours.
how everything started how
I gave substance to lies and gave life to manufactured feelings
in the hurry to deliver you from the darkness you were in
And oh how i hated myself when i failed
when selfishness made it all disappear
and the extent i blamed and beat myself up
because you, were one person i failed to protect..
and since i messed up i know i'll never know
some things you used to tell me, now you'll never again

and you, you labelled me the broken road
which led you back to him. not Him.

and so i say i dont love you
even though it kills me
its the lie to set you free.

envy.

you'll probably never know how much i envy your life.
Mine's all the flashy superficial crap that i dream and wish for
and get.
while yours is always the real deal, even though they may be smaller things

you may count and find that few girls ever liked you.
yet i have many who never liked me for who i am.
to them perhaps i was convenient, perhaps i was a good listener.
perhaps i was a good tutor, perhaps.

i dont know why it can be so different, 2 people partaking in the same thing.

lack substance.

Isit really a PJ curse, that nobody ever makes it to law from there?

I'm about to snap over the anticipation of my admission results.
Everyone's gotten theirs and mine.. mine's just floating around in the thin air
somewhere there, not there.. faint taste painful hope kinda thing.

As i reflected, many times these few weeks, over my oral interview
I want to give my smiling face a tight slap.
I want to scream at myself "WHY THE HECK DO YOU SMILE, DO YOU NOT GENUINELY CARE?!"
i dont know if the prevailing weather report written on my face is God-glorifying.
I'm not sure if its the condition of entrusting all onto him, or just a relapse of my frivolity.

I'm not even sure why i wanna go law, why i did not gun for a sure through course like
pure science/ econs double degree.
What am i trying to prove exactly, along with that PSC scholarship?

has this top student thing poisoned my mind? Why have i started to follow what others deem to be good and deserving of me?

Gosh, i better reflect, and reflect fast before those veins of frustration rupture.
Its time i found the self i left behind, that faithful 5th march afternoon.

i know i was disappointed at how many people took the news.
But honestly dear boy, that's a horrible excuse.

the times we walked those streets at night
the times where you, so close by my side
do you not remember, do you not care?

oh where we studied and dined together
where i walked you to the bus stop right past that temple
where we talked and you used to laugh
and everyday i'd...

know you better
see you clearer
hear you closer..

but its different now, though the streets remained the same
the familiar pavement i now tread every wednesday
and the long run way where i'd find you everyday
is now blanketed in darkness and in solitude.
if only if i had

known you better
saw you clearer
heard you closer

will you ever know how i treasured those moments
where you at last spoke things from your heart
and everyday i try to be better
so nothing can ever take us apart
and find that i may truly

know you better
see you clearer
hear you and hold you closer.