irony-

i know im in trouble. i have yet to receive a reply.
oddly, you know things when people tell you. But sometimes you know better when they dont.
This is how action speaks louder than words.

went to the hospital today, my bed-confined uncle was lying pale and fragile.
I cannot recall him looking so skinny, he was never lively but now even his eyes are glassy.
He struggled to get his back up so he could see us clearly.
"hhehello.." his raspy voice trailed off, his hand waving limply.

His eyes were filled with unsurmountable regret.
if i knew... i wouldnt have smoked. Was the message.
Life is too fragile to have regrets. Life becomes more fragile while regretting.

"can you get me onto the wheelchair and push me around?" he pleaded with aunt.
"no, look at how many tubes you've got"
"oh yeah, now i realise..." he replied in a silly fashion.

i forced a smile, i know he needs as many as i can give.

I have yet to see a patient on the verge of death, inflicted with lung cancer joyfully speaking away. Every single breath must hurt alot, every single word like a stab in the chest.

last night was worse, he looks better today.

"better?" i thought, "really..."

I know i must be sad, but i cant even cry if i want.
The past few days gave my heart a flashfreeze.

and i feel like im already tired of life.

for the same reason you live, by the same reason you die.


i already know i live by the wrong reasons. maybe love is, evil.