what if...

honestly, everytime someone takes a flight...
that childish thought pops out.

what if the plane crashed?
what would i do when its crashing?

erm... well im going off today, in about an hour's time.
so now i'll blog quickly and lets hope my prediction goes off.

this SL trip wont be very fun.
i dont have any more than 2 of my friends there.
i hate being alone, i detest mixing with bad company either.
God teach me as you lead me, i need a divine plan for this
i simply cant think of any.

well. just incase the plane really crashes
please know that i love you.

odd...

today i have a random prayer
which really be glad if it was granted- unconditionally.
no side effects no nothing just the prayer.

God i need to be more man.
im being a gay and im losing my girlfriend.

actually i've already lost her (or hers if her can be in plural.)
i need someone to love
and im sure you already know how magnificent i always thought she would be
well, my hands are free from threatening arms.
its just a random request so
it wont really matter if tomorrow i remain as gay.

odd encouragement.

well, i was just scanning through blogs
they were all sad, all chanting about how they're results sucked.
its like walking down this corridor of broken, shattered dreams.
but i said, its encouraging.
because though their dreams are broken, their spirits aren't
and they're all geared up for their endeavors again.
all still dreaming of the day when they proved themselves.
a day where maybe they finally are who they are supposed to be.
The crux being that this time they're preparing, not just dreaming.
not just hoping and wishing, but yet to giving of putting in anything.

now grab hold of me and pull me into reality.
comfort became an entangling dream.
get up.. get up.

Got up, and the truth remains the truth.

oops? disenchanted.

heh, its been a few days my dear blog.
well. heres a review on the "whatever" drink.
the can's a bright screaming yellow, an odd mismatched giant question mark.
it looks promising.
"any taste, for any thirst"
before i start defaming the drink, please take awhile
just to imagine how "any taste" maybe that heavenly.

-awhile-

ok lets get back to the review.
the drink- is chrysanthemum. ( i think i got the spelling wrong, but you cant get the idea wrong)
WTH! ok at least the mix was fine, it tasted like the one yeos can easily offer.
haha the disgusting thing is, the taste of the drink
made those pretty models in the advertisements look real cheap.
they are contented with.... tea? a common tea which you can buy for 70 cents per can?
omg...
haha ok anyway, you'd realise by now im so freaking pissed and disappointed, this
review isnt getting anywhere.... heh
i mean.. you call it anything instead of chrysanthemum... wat in the world....

to think i took a photo of something that horrible...
by the way, it comes in carbonated and non-carbonated..
carbonated tea? hope not, dont make me laugh once too often...
lol.


well later in the day, about 1 and a half hours from now.. i'll be going school to..
well let my teachers meet my parents..(sounds weird?)
its going to be bad, with the O's coming, and their dear student still slacking away.
they're definitely going to come up with unspeakable lies to make my mum feel the uncalled for anxiety which will ultimately cause me to suffer, unfruitfully.
lets absorb that for awhile, incase anything important skipped your eyes.

ok, my chinese teacher wrote her blasphemous speech about me not doing work and being arrogant.
my english teacher is just going to come up with a book list for me to read and die during the holidays.
my math teacher is going to tell my mum how much her son has improved even though actually he didnt, doesnt make my parents feel bad, but makes my teacher look like an idiot and make me feel bad. is it an improvement to drop from 76-74? guess not. infact, its a 2 marks decrease, my dear math teacher, hope your divine calculation wont screw up in the future, anymore.
my geography teacher is going to give my parents a touching talk about how she regards me as the most talented geography student she has ever came by. and that i failed her (nonsensical) insight and i failed my geography midyears so darn badly.
and finally, if i ever meet my ss/hist teacher, he'd tell my mum how act smart i am (when im actually not- his true meaning) for failing my tests all so big time and screwing up with everything when he is just trying to cover up for his dire misjudgement in sending me for a humanities competition earlier this year.

now you know why im gonna hate that few "precious" moments just a while later?

THAT music

i was listening to some not really happy music,
which is not sad either.
weird.
well, gotta run
run away, the music's giving me a reason to be weak

cauz somehow i won't be smiling when im old
i can only picture my tears.

no more.

i went downstairs to fall down.
in other words, to bike.

well, at least i can turn the wheel one round now, a repetition of that motion actually allows me to move so...

at least i dont have that devastating intent of jabbing middle fingers into any annoying person's view.

stop stealing my words man!

well, i cant put the right words to describe myself, but clemence sure could deal with MY problem.
yes.
thats ziizaagly why i felt
its always do this for that person. do this for that, and that.
now that i think of it. No one does anything for me.
at least not at a noticeable frequency.
everyone is just. well thanks for the help but HAHAA GOT YA
FAG. YOUR GONNA DIE FOR HELPING WITHOUT ANY RECIPROCAL. MUAHAHAHA.
wth?
say some touching words, breathe a smile at me.
and watch me.. die? what in the world is that for!
Im someone who is tired of being fooled. Because i fool myself 24/7.
im tired of living in this set-up. i would love it if i was out.
out of this stage and into the real.

i haven't been "emo-ing" for ages. and i feel like im a disposable friend.
i feel like there are so many me/s and each time the me is used to its maximum, its discarded and thrown into the bin.
well done.

silence does reveal where we are. even the semi silence in that lonely playground downstairs was so shocking. what i saw was, i gave up so much in my life, for nonsense that i didnt get, or could do without.
and now my condition's so freaking screwed, im not getting anywhere, im pissing people off, im making myself upset, i've sunk so deep into nonsense and self pity i aint going nowhere, maybe even if i was offered 1million dollars just to smile for the rest of my life.
and yes, this is exactly how gay russia is, deteriorating at an incredibly hearty rate, with corruption and inefficiency rooted deep in every peasant's head.
those who try to reform that land, end up getting screwed, exactly.

so comparatively....

well, turns out that im the only loser who could fail for combined humans.
yes damn it, the only one who failed. why the hell?
Amath, i was shocked at the same time i deserved it.
a fail, so badly its an E8.
ok so now im sure im not getting into s2e with that "great" 24.
yes, and that's that? is not getting s2e by itself worth rejoicing over?

im a smart person, i know that myself.
no one needs to tell me that im not, or that im fooling myself
because theres just no way i'll actually believe that! NO WAY!
so maybe if someone thinks im being some insensitive faggot by ranting abt
the great 24points. that person can just go for straight elimination. just go die.
this is just nonsense. not the results, its me.

did i study? did i do my papers seriously?
was i concerned?
did truly work on my concepts?
did i listen during class?

can i go die now?

I was the one who did everything.
your eyes caught him, and guess whose heart was caught?
SHUUSH. dont tell me.

what the....

today's results were a tough and rough reality check.
what have i been doing with my life?
Were i stuck in my very own world?
the standards outside are just so crazy.

bring me back to peace, tonight.

i screwed core geography. and to think i was actually shamelessly hoping that
i'd get something high despite not answering a 10mark question.
right, you smarty genius, everyone knew that wouldnt happen, so here's your
well deserved E8.
and of course you weren't very serious about your combined humans, talking
all that rot during your teacher's class.
maybe you could deal with this D7 and go home and screw yourself.

for being a proudass and thinking you know it all in chem, here's a C5 to disappoint you,
to motivate you to tip off the edges of the tall buildings in your neighborhood.

and for thinking that the physics paper is damn easy, heres an A2 to kick your arse.
and to top it off, since you were smiling away unrepentant, an additional surcharge of
1mark will be deducted from your 72, just to make it 71 and making your A2 even cheaper than it was before.

and for thinking that the tuition makes you own amath without practicing more sums in your own time, you're not getting any distinctions for it, and therefore you can go be sad and "emo on your blog" - quote from someone who was supposed to be important.
well thank you.

emath however, is just to stupid. its too easy, we tried to make it a disaster for you, but unfortunately its just too damn easy, you're going to get a cheap A1. we're definitely sorry we cannot provide you with anything more sadistic.

ok. with all these great presents. maybe is should go screw myself afterall.
in the gruelsome, not sexual immoral manner.

hop on that unicycle, lets bang some walls.
right...

now now...

which handsome guy stole your heart and refuse to return it.
sheez, i'll burn his house down or something.

now

the thousand nights spent in uncompromising silence.
just how warped are things now?
stop screaming me your disappointments.
stop screaming, now.

chinese is an A2, the rest are stuck in deep uncertainty.
chem teacher says she's disappointed.
chinese teacher says she's disappointed.
physics teacher didn't think if i did well.
social studies/ history teacher couldn't comment.

just how are things now? neither the silence nor the pile of speeches promised something bright.
i must have messed up the day
and smiled to myself at night.

however i'm not feeling very glad myself. so therefore teachers should know better.
dont keep screaming, start observing and listening. you smart alecks.

why things hurt

things hurt because we bleed.
they hurt because we cared.

when the care - is no longer there.
where is the hurting gonna come from?
how can it attack us, through our thick heart wall.
a wall capable of withstanding the pressure of murder
or the wall which allows lying through our own fingers.

is that wall not capable.
it indeed is.
am i hurt because im your friend
or am i hurt because im gay.
im sure the former is the truth.
and the latter is a big excuse.

look at the 2 of them, they dont hate you
its because they dont freaking care.

who are you now to demand for...

right who am i to think i deserved.. (ugghh!!!)
you meant i dont? why cannot? isit because im...?
weird?

paradox.

i hate to defend myself on this. because it makes me feel shameless.

what rights do i hold, what do i reserve that allows me to claim of someone likes or dont like me?
to be frank. nobody has, and assuming such rights makes us big arses.
its either what i claim is true, or she's been having me on.

either way a tomb should be buried underground and not exposed to the air.
as i leave this matter hidden from sight, dont make me excavate it
and bury it back all night.

as much as some people might claim that im F****** ego. (not my choice of words)
well think about it, what if i'm not? a sudden gush of a total new possibility right?

i wanted to go unicycle.
but maybe i should stay away from harm until i think im composed and sane.
its not your fault, i started it first, i am indeed shameless.

a walk in the night.

the stars aren't out tonight, but nights were definitely pleasant.
since the scorching sun's out of the way, together with the hustle-bustle of the day.
inhaling the cool air, his nerves were chilled, muscles relaxed.
but tonight is different, the difference wasn't made by that particular unicycle
sandwiched between his legs. Thoughts always drew the line.
The stony 90-feet concrete giants stared down on him. All 3 of them.
All the foolishness flashed before him. The wrong choices he had made.
staring down on his gloved hands, echoes of self approach resonated in his head.
Those dull red shoes couldn't answer his inaudible question either.
those protection-promising knee guards were speechless.
a penny for a worth. They were paid to do their job, and they were keen on sticking to that.
a faint grumble reminded him of the dinner he skipped.
The large grumble of a plane thundering across the sky was further exerted by those silent towering buildings.
but neither of the grumbles were noticed to even the slightest extent.
For he was tuned into the voice inside, shielded from the noise outside.

with 1 more person- it'd make a difference. This playground would have been merry.
But now it stood, staring back at him, cold, emotionless, hard.
The silence was impossible. yes, just that one more person. The stroke of the brush
to animate this life. A puzzle piece which was missing at the exact wrong time.
if only if... what if. and if... stop.
he was tired of ifs, his mind hungered for something concrete, a truth, fact which stood on its own.
An ambition which surpassed all former wishes. Sounding sinister, a plan to make a person part of himself. But to humans, this was lovely. After all, they were made to love.

A hand now suddenly rests upon the nest of his head.
He couldn't wish, to be exact, he did not want a let down, no more.. no more.
The reflex turn of his head, he saw someone unexpected.
But love was in the air, a timely arrival of his God-send angel
God knows who sent her, it didn't matter to him,
at least now he knew who stood forever
and waited for his head to turn.
" Hey, ____ !"

a beautiful fate for the future. which won't be happening in the present.

LOL

today was incredibly packed. but fun.
i met luke on my way to school and we sprint a 100m to school.
he didnt perspire. but i literally soaked my entire shirt.

school wasn't fun without gina smiling at me.
its never lovely when the air's so tense.
i want to say im sorry- but you're in the wrong too.
until we both recognize that, nothing will work out.

k?

ok.. now. chinese results came out. hmph hmph not bad.
mark tan kinda pissed me off with that little
"i'm so freakin' great" attitude. whats the deal?
big one! big one?! its just a mark. so relax dont get so worked up.
besides i must admit i got lazy during the paper. so.
if you're that proud abt that little scratch more on your paper.
maybe you shouldnt! heh.
i shouldn't be proud abt not studying either. i must admit.
laziness is plain gay as uncalled for-ego.

well for paper 2 it was a shocking high 51/70.
er but i could've done more for my comprehension.
(the numbers one...)
i only got 12/20 simply atrocious, my teacher said..

well ok my paper 1 compo. 34/50.
LOUSY! haha im sorry for those people who didnt score too well.
especially that 1337 one..
i know you all dont like the idea of someone scoring 34 and complaining around.
yeah im truly appreciative of the 34 they rated me.
but. to be honest i didnt do a proper job at all. i just.. anyhow-ed the paper.
well. im still glad for the 34- since the highest was only 38...
but i could've been that 38 if i wrote properly and not just anyhow...

Amath was terrible.
the teacher demanded that i go for remedial.
i guess i need to humble down a little.
afterall hardwork makes the A1, tuition by itself is pretty much powerless.
practice practice.... and prelims can just go die.

finally, the SL trips are finally close enough to smell.
oooh yeah. come quickly and fly me to thailand!.
and O level chinese... im looking forward to it. heh.

here we are

standing dumbfounded.
the sky's falling
the water levels are rising.

I'm really trying i swear i am.
i'd swear here, swear there and everywhere.
i tried to care- you wouldn't hear about it

you're born in the zoo
you look like something which crawls
but im not sure if you smell like one too.

few tips/

to counter imbalance to the side, ride to the toppling side.


after you know how to ride- mounting without support.

wth!! i knew it! i was learning the wrong method!!
sheez well good for me, i can kinda do the method which requires 2 weeks to learn..
so, im in GREAT water! hahaha.

well ok wat matters is riding first. gotta ride gotta. ride.
right...
ride towards toppling side. ok. i've got that!

i can?

i was just reading someone's blog today.
it was just going along, aimlessly, probably accurately depicting the writer's state of mind.
"im a procrastinator... and i can't help it"

you can, if only if you chose to. its merely the other side of the door.

yeah so much for a filthy hypocritical comment like that which sounds so assuring but yet so unreachable.
if i chose to not procrastinate.
the world would have a anti-gravity device by now. But i chose to procrastinate.
someone mumbled something in disgust.
ego... nonsense..

right. everyday has at least 14work hours. utilize everysingle bit. and no invention is impossible.
except time travelling i guess.einstein sure could publish scientific papers for the fun of it.
but for time travelling, you'll require the energy of an (exploding star?)
well just say that its impossible.
i could say that to time travel a ritual including the sacrifice of 6.4billion human lives is necessary- but no one could necessarily, substantially say that its wrong...

ok i just got carried away.
so just think before you speak. LOL dont end up swallowing up your words
when someone asks you to do something and you accidently
say something like huh? are you sure i can do that now?
sure you can. its just the choice, smarty pants.

when we were young

i was just hopelessly trying to get my bike moving today.
and well, i was at the playground-don't laugh.
playground's for any body, of any age.
its dangerous for kids. haha and perfectly safe and good for teens.

well ok so i got tired of the wild goose chase, i sat down and i was
trying to see some stars with the naked eye- i do wear specs..
i couldn't see any, and for awhile i was unhappily amused.

well some kids were fooling around, climbing up the slides and stuff
breaking the rules, like anyone would. its becoming thrilling to do the reverse
since the government seemed to have failed abt pondering over the design of slides
the slides are so rough they aren't fun to go down
but friction is simply lovely enough for the grip to climb up.

well ok out of point again

the kids were simply thrilled, screaming at the top of their voices
as their tiring and eventful 20seconds climb made them feel like they were
well, they reached the top of the world.
they were just screaming each others names and making great (but probably false)
stories of their day. Showing off about how their invisible
and non-existant deeds made their day, and others'
they were lying, with their eyes wide open, but they probably knew it.
we see them as awful liars. but maybe they're just creative story tellers!
well they enjoyed themselves, and they dont dream of taking anyone's life
or sneaking to the internet just to get a tiny swig of the you-know-wat/
so aren't they just so innocently adorable?
i was shocked... my unicycle, who stood so close to me at that point in time,
its neccesary protective gear were literally part of my body, strapped tightly
such that even air did not seperate either from either.
well. unicycle surely couldn't buy me a weee bit of happiness...
maybe not now, maybe it would when i could ride it..

i've got a
sinking feeling
that
im learning
in
the
totally
wrong
manner.

i need help! hahaa

unicycle. hard-dream

my dream came through.
well i've got the unicycle.
now the next dream- to ride it...
i swear im still excited, but if no one helps me soon i'll go mad.
its been 2 days, about 3 hours of holding bars...
to another 2 hours of mounting without support.

and now i can get on the bike, not necessarily balance, but at least a great mount...
occasionally i can move the wheel half a round backwards, a procedure before moving forward or backwards, to align the pedals horizontally so that your ride won't be jerky or ruined by the first attempt to move.

well. once i managed to get the thing back half a round, and forward by a round.
and what happened? i had a really ugly exaggerated fall.

injuries count -
tight neck
headache
a going to be ulcer
knees feeling weird
ankles bruised
spoke piercings all over the sides of the right shin.
left fingers all in deep pain.

trust me, unicycle ain't for some partial enthu sissy.
i just hope im man enough for it, and that God approves of it.
heh. lol wanna see some pictures? actually its only 2
i'll get a video as soon as i can get on it! haha ok?

the gear, its supposed to keep you safe but somehow it doesn't

'
the bike it self. yes woah the wheel is just gigantic, big wheels are for big noobs.
thats why im on a big wheel...

maybe

im sure i've said this before.
maybe im trying to sound like some poor thing.
and trying just
gain some love from somewhere.


well watched spiderman 3 just now.
well it was kinda long!

quite a few unexpected turns in the show, but otherwise it is mostly expected.
harry pwns green goblin.

maybe the church bell rip my demon off me, too.

its a heartache.
when i had something fun, with no one to share
im so weird watching spiderman while Emath is tomorrow
for that can i be your boyfriend? please?

you could say..

you could say that i wasted the tuition fees
or that maybe i will pay it back in the future.
or maybe it was just a screw up
or maybe i just wasn't meant to

in any, and every way
i flunked my A math paper. flunk it hard.
a crest before a trough, a horst followed by a graben.

yes, that was geog.
the nostalgic defeat.
to be beaten again in my game.
obviously i wouldn't dream of it.
or am in desperate zeal to accept it.

i lost the feeling of winning since that day.
please dont tell me i'll be like this forever.

digging for cash?

its crazy.
but yet its no big deal.
mence said. its ok you might just be digging up soil in the future
for 21k per month yeah maybe.

its not that impossible
for a person at this caliber.
right joash? posting posts even as the 1337 one slumbers.
they can be team captains
leading winning companies

so why not for this squatting genius here?
why not?!

counting.?

cant just sit here and count the unseen potential
pretend like everything is gonna fall into place.
needa start working, need to set a new pace.
for if i dont start moving, i can never win this race.

you fatties trying to master everything are seriously fat
cheating with money and whatever you dont lack.
i could only pray that i'd get rich for no dumb reason
but no no, that thought will now be regarded as treason.

i've got to start counting and tabulating.
start knowing clearly what im lacking.
lend me some fingers people, i cant count with my own
for ten's just a little... little.

-ego.

flurry

life passes like a flurry.
this morning was waking up, watching tv, cabbing to church
walking to the basement behind sophia, passing the thing to fuxing
singing songs, debating during sunday school class
2nd service, holy communion.
KFC, pon tuition. and now at home, time flew.
it really did even though the bird of a time became a snail for awhile
during the sermon. heh.
im still trying to be a Christian, hopefully not contagious in conventional terms.

well
i was just looking at eunice's blog today
and mence blog.
i cant help but feel how my face twisted into a sickening frown.
amongst people such as them, i stand as a black white photo.
my colours are faded, im just so. screwed.
what kinda person is this? who am i, why so shitty?
then again.
all these feelings were made by me, i chose to feel them
sometimes im convinced that life isnt as interesting as i fathom it to be.
it isn't that much of a challenge, isn't anything much unpredictable.
well so im sitting on this chair now, a chair we know really well
a chair which sits infront of the computer. the corrupter chair
well its also because i chose to sit here so if i choose otherwise i wont have to be corrupted
therefore
im getting my arse out of here
monday-hell
tuesday-hell for half a day- its heaven after the papers.
wednesday-hell for 2 hours.
and its heaven forever untill Prelims stick its ugly butt into the picture.
ughed. but i'll be super free.. any interesting errands must call me!
that was just for the miserable rhyme, but i meant it

listen up

just another phase and i'll go through
maybe. maybe.

some song wont change the world by itself
it provided insight.
im blind but no thank you.

im glad you helped.
but honestly. It didnt tell me how.
everything isn't just some phase.
they're there because they are meant to be
not just-some.
but important. very

thank you. (this was meant to be sincere incase you missed it.)

a lonely walk home.

today.
i had tuition at 1. i know this sounds boring - its because it is.
did functions and permutation and combination.
basically the exams have been screwed up.
yes screwed.

i screwed a test one after another.
my parents don't make noise, shuuush its because they don't know.
my dad just asked me if i wanted a little something to eat.
thats just like him.
im glad to hear, but i didnt smile. its just because i had nothing to create it.
not that im ungrateful or i'd rather emo than make someone's day with a smile but.
i just couldn't do it.

and you know what? you're in for some rubbish from me, a whole shitload of an essay where i'll kick yours and make you pay.
actually i could do this to everyone else, with the name changed.
honestly. what kinda warped concept do you harbor about friendships?
isit the reason why many of you claim that friends don't last forever.
sighing away and PUSHING YOUR BLAME aside.
right. smart aleks.
there's some reason why some are friends and why some aren't
i follow your dictionary, when you say its a friend, i say its a friend.
but i knew better.
i knew better.

maybe you weaklings should just taste it and tell me.
you think you guys are miserable or have more RIGHTS to emo around.
be realistic.
if you have got the right, even bill gates has the rights.
everyone has their bitter pie. dont always think that the grass on the other side is greener
or that their bitter pies actually tastes sweet.

sometimes my friends really shock me. they have so much to handle. but yet they seem perfectly normal.
what about those, who come and go, like you, you and you?
why bother reading my blog if its only for your interest? finding bits of scrap where you could gain from, or things that i blog about which concerns you.
if you're gonna read this like its some playground where GG gossips or lies that turns you on pops out. then heres the advice.
turn around and go screw yourselves.
people who read this blog is supposed to care for me, not for themselves.
i read blogs for the very same reason.
i read because i care, not because i hope for my name to appear everywhere.

its been ages since i've said this.
and i guess no one knows better than keith.... right keith?
you bunch of fakers and illusionists ( joash, mence jeremy - its none of you guys)
search youselves before throwing this shitty attitude at me.

to think my tears dropped when you said you'd regard me as a friend.
even if i will not reciprocate.
if this is the friendship you refer to
i'll build a time machine just to get back into the past and claim those tears back.

you know how it feels like to be cheated?
dont tell me if you cried because you think the post refers to you.
dont ever, i won't care.

its weird

tomorrow's gonna be well... exams again?
but what in the world am i doing here.
sitting on this chair gazing at the monitor?
i've been here almost for the entire day.

the smoke from the burnt hell notes are choking up my head.
its making my head throb, and my nose wanna run away.
its not just my nose, i would if i could.

im feeling immensely uncomfortable.
past events zoomed past my neuron theatre.
im confused and im feeling uncomfortable
so bad its worse than having sand stuck at uneasy corners.
worse than pulsating ulcers
i dont know what im doing here im just wasting my time.
this feeling has no telling.
it just goes round and round.
i guess i'll bury this all
in the sleeping ground.