because if I had gone.. they could've stayed. its been great having friends like them though..
I know I'll take it easy alone.
wonder if they will.

who's more important?
the girl who likes you..
or the girl of your dreams?

afraid that at the end of 2 years of waiting.. of anticipation. of holding back..

I find myself too bruised and bleeding I end up nothing more prepared then I was.

gosh you know, I really hate NS. Then again. I know I'll spend my time wasted.
Till that uncertain future comes, its still great to avoid present folly.

music is written by our emotions.
does it have the key to the other direction?
suppose today the world's one big victim..
where too much plug and play misdirected our emotions?

its been 7 months.. every other step feels unnaturally heavy.
its good to see you again.

i was watching singaporean son episode 3.
yes im retarded, hate army still watch for what right?

honestly, its not like that.
the episode was on stripping and assembling of rifles..

that was my strong point.. i'd do both at around 14 secs each... stripping can go as fast as 10-12.

i find that i could not tear myself from it, its true, there are memories that'll stay forever.
Now, away from the sheltered (though more regimental days) in BMT.. hell i miss the place.
I remembered that the thought of returning there as an instructor of some sort was the driving force which saw me to admit and accept that fact that i, like every other singaporean man..
entered the army phase in my life.

then today, yeah, siong memories? i have.
i probably did the most siong saikangs ever.. once even resulting in a high fever.
but when i look back, yeah the memories are there.
but they aren't the fond variants army people claim..

because today, from retrospect, I still cannot see the comaraderie and whatnot.
all I feel is regret. I regret being selfish.. I gave up trying to make everyone work together.
There were somethings would do. I'd push them, remind the ones who were slacking how everyone else are giving their best and they should too...
telling them to follow the footsteps of those who have various injuries and yet contribute beyond their call of duty..
reminding them to be gentle on the fragile objects..

and then I got tired.
I got tired of them telling me that I'm too garang.
that I've no rights to expect the same hard work from them.
That it doesnt matter anyway, if the funboxes get bent or broken.
that perhaps I too, chao keng by overworking myself so I'd fall sick and get Attend C to keng.

as I silently resumed my personal diligence, perhaps I've started to despise them.
I treated them like gangrene limbs to be severed.

maybe thats also why I'm cool with getting posted to company line.
just a year and a few months more..
but these memories will remain stashed up, in a tight big suitcase.. stowed away under my bed.
because even if I wanted to forget, I can never.

it almost feels foreign..
lying, awaiting the flashing green which tells me what I've been waiting for is finally here.

but even if it flashes I can never know