a bad dream

i had a bad dream. Forgot the content but remembered the theme... or themes.

You know how i always thought the being top student (undeservingly) is 2010's greatest enemy.
It, in my ridiculous opinion, reinforces an age old stereotype, which i assume exists, which is, that it is apt to expect perfection from me.
not only perfection, but miracles and surprises that i'd be a new canvas everyday, not just fresh and new, but colorful and pleasantly unpredictable.

But sorry, I'm not.
I'm just another canvas (perhaps even one which is mildly decaying) with occasional bright splashes of paint. But i beg you, "don't follow the world and its excuses of impressionism" the splashes of paint why, they only mislead you!

dont be lost in its neon green and blue with dashes of orange looking cool
the streaks of paint and the way they moved, merely danced to the way you thought it should
your eyes were playing tricks on you.

I'm a normal person who is mildly deluded regarding his talent.
I tried to live as perfectly as you wanted me to.
never knew why for a moment i could

but to be normal was to be disappointing
to be honest was to be dumb
when i showed you how much i cared
you regarded it as my ensnare.

alright evidently this is drifting off topic.
but you know, you were the incarnate of the "phantom" i never wished existed.
and you had to be the one to leave the resounding, neverending ripple

on the tranquil lake of mine.

she's like a dream
but this doesn't have to be

I've resolved to see that dreams are dreams
and they have little to do with me.

a dream is like a changeling
I chased it hard and watched it flee.

and when I thought I caught the dream

still today she eludes me.

photos

There is always a conflict within my mind when I look at photos. Photos reminded me of my past, and the nostalgic feeling is the cause of the conflict. I’m a very sentimental person, history has proven that many times already. Looking back at the past times always bring me much joy and gratitude. If those were good times, I thank God he gave me those times. If it was bad times, I give thanks to Him for leading me through them. Where is the conflict then? With each click on the camera, history is captured. Time moves on. This means that photos represent moments that we want to remember and can only be remembered because the moments can never be recreated or experienced again in the exact same conditions. This feeling of yearning creates some feeling of sadness which conflicts with the feeling of gladness. Another feeling I experience when looking at photos is guilt. Guilt which arises because we can see the situation much clearer now when we are out of the picture thus making us regret doing what we had done during that time. Guilt can also arise from comparison. Perhaps we are stuck in a stronghold now and as we look back at the days when we do not have these problems, we feel horrible. Or when we look at all our friends in the photos, and then we look at our own hypocritical smiling face and we feel that we have betrayed their trust. Sometimes the pain I get when I look at photos is so great that I stop looking at them and drown myself with other distractions. All that I have written so far are my thoughts and feelings. But this is what I know, we cannot correct our past, we cannot make sure that history does not repeat itself, we do not know about the future; however there is a truth that we must know and must remember, God has forgiven our sin, our past, present and future sin. We seem to be at the mercy of time however we do know of a God who is not inhibited by time, in fact he is the one who is in control of time. Therefore next time when we look at our photos please remember to look harder and see God’s hand in the picture.


by this paragraph, i know i've seriously backslided. or lost my innocence, or as aiping says, became nua.

cauz if someday you wake up and find that you're missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be
thinking maybe you'd come back to the place we'd meet
and you'll see me waiting for you, on the corner of the street