cleearly.

I'm going bonkers.

I'm doing the wrong things.

I'm feeling terrible.

and you dont want to talk to me.

What is this!

song.

我要歌唱主赐的恩典，当我来到加略山。
神忘记我一切的罪孽， 却不忘记我。

我不常用话语来写博客，但说是为华文A水准考试预备也好，是精神病也好，写了就写了
何必多说？
我爱华语-它是我双语中最有表达性的语文。
英语有些字词太过深，终于听到信息时，感情似乎已早溜走。
华语不像它，配来配去的，突然调换一个字。。。整个句子变了。意思换了。
是明显的，是秀丽的，却容易做到。

好了，我的华语真烂！

think.

I feel like i just survived a nuclear bomb.

This holiday is timely. Let me enjoy this, let me think, let me clear my head.
Let me see the things i really want.

think think, think on your feet.
Think as if thinking saves your life.
Think as if it makes you what you are.

Its gotto be a miracle.

Nothing explains this better.

An easy math paper, a potential B (or A?) cannot be reasoned.
A slacker like me, where hardwork was entered for waking up early, has hope.

This, is an outright miracle.

well okay, math is over, and im a happy man.
tomorrow's physics paper 2 and after that its planned that im going sentosa with some friends.

I'm ultra excited.
(unconvincing.. haha)

but there's one thing that makes me dread tomorrow.
You would'nt understand cauz you'll never know.

How something so simple can be a big answer.
And if nothing happens, it settles it.

that question i had at the back of my head the whole time...
Is gonna disappear.
Leaving... well.. a brief moment of.. anguish?

4H2s.

Retaining, dropping. I dont plan to have either.
I love taking my 4H2s. and hell i'd appreciate if i learnt earlier.

There's this rhetoric that rocks.
Have you tried your best?

I dont know when can we say we tried our best.

This brings me back to the june camp when jon said..
"you've tried your best! tell me how many people tugged the rope untill they saw stars?"

I dont know, what is best? It seems so abstract, so far away.

So everyday i declare i have the potential to top the school.
I'm still so far away from my best, if i ever hit it... yeah.
Well, anyone who tries their best has equal opportunity.
But the fact is now there are only people who try harder...
appears no one can be declared hardest.

well pioneer, i've got nothing to prove in promos.
but trust me, i didnt go so far from dover to you just to take 3H2s.

SCREAMING

And when pride overtakes me.

Its nights like these when i feel like climbing the roof.
When i feel like standing tall and shouting out.

" I like you!" "Why don't you believe me?!"
Its times like these when I can't understand why you're feeling so worthless.
Its times like these i want to tell you I'll be a better man, all for you.

I had been trying, I've been changing.
I've been struggling, these all almost felt like dying.

But you won't listen, you won't lend a ear.
You aren't bothered by my heartfelt tears.

Then you'll tell me "I don't know why, but I just don't find guys interesting."
And I'll ask you a question, a question that resonates repeatedly in this empty heart.

Then why... then why did you say all that you said?
Why did you paint all the dreams that we shared.
For what did you choose to follow me.
To whom did your eyes speak to the whole time?

The stories I made, the life i crafted.
It's falling into someone Else's hands the moment I started.

How can I not scream
How can I not be hurt?
Why would I not flinch to see the work of my hands
Used and now reduced to dirt?

A call into the night
A trembling in a corner.
Tears in the moonlight

Won't bring me back to her.

It felt like this.
It did.

funny leh.

this was what i read in the "Revival Year Sermons", 1859.

" Perhaps some of God's professed people will leave you; you will have to go without a solitary friend-maybe you will even be deserted by Sarah herself.... yada yada"

Sigh... that was the hardest part to take in.
Deserted by Sarah, as in taking into context you're abraham.

Well. okay erm. this sermon's interesting, its about.... (drumrolllL!)

taadaa! PREDESTINATION! (throws glitters)

Well, somtimes i wonder if predestination should be one of the main doctrines...
I mean, besides salvation being the system of grace and faith, isnt it important to know how grace and faith works?
As in... how does faith come about if humans are supposed to be so opposed to God?
Then what about grace? Hasn't grace come to everyone? Then why didnt the whole world become christian?

Wheres the distinction between love, dying on the cross, and love as in love to children of God?
What about the objects of wrath in the book of Romans?

interesting right. Dont say predestination is cheem crap. Its important, it concerns the nature of calling.

Well anyway, i was talking to my bible study budd today.
Apparently life IS a drama.

According to charles spurgeon, at the begining begining, there was the trinity council.
Father: I'm going to create humans, they'll rebel against me, but i will save them.
Son: For everyone you intend to save, i shed my blood for them and i will intercede for them.
Spirit: For everyone who is saved and has the blood of Jesus i will enter and dwell within him, and i will safeguard and guarantee his salvation.

The script was written even before the props came to life.
The script was written even before the PA and backstage crew (angels) were created.

WOW.
A drama indeed.

emo people

was reading this blog... yes i know i shld be studying, i just finished a hell difficult math sum..
Well, in the light of promos, the writer's getting emotional.
So emotional it sounded desperate.

All the sudden missing of friends, thirst for promotion, crazy mugging.
Haha. damn it, im envious of the crazy mugging part.

But its okay. I'm clever right? dont need to mug one.

Sometimes i wonder why i try so hard...
why must get 3 As and above then happy?

But then i know why.
Its not about scoring, its about putting in the same amt of work as everyone else.

morning mugging blues.

So, i've finally decided to start studying.

Was doing mkt failure..( look, even the shortforms are getting into me.)
Fail la. It was kinda easy, i realised i knew my stuff, just didnt know how to put them in economical terms.
Feeling terribly hungry now, studying is afterall, wrestling with some demon.
Demon of sleep.
Been wrestling for 1 hour now. haha, and im famished.
I dont know where mum ran to, but im glad i still have 12 more hours of study time today...
alot better than midyears i guess.

not feeling too distracted, but i thought i wanted anyone who still reads this blog to know..
To know the joy of being able to study.

How? can get B for econs or not? haha i wonder.
really.

I want LUNCH, NOW!

ughh!

today gp paper was actually pretty easy. You know, sometimes i wonder why i dont just be a good boy and do crime and punishment or mass media.
I did this topic : "religion has lost its significance in the world today".

DAMN. my friends said my points were incredible, i thought they were, too.
But now, from hindsight, i feel as if im gonna fail, and fail like an arse.
Why? I forgot that i totally forgot to consider defining the word significance.

sheez. even now i dont know what significance means. So i guess my essay's
hanging by a thread? yeah... something like that.
Then came compre. Ah screw it, for compre im never confident.
I always interpret wrongly... why? This can prove detrimental in my life.

misinterpretation... sigh.

well. a few considerations are hanging dead in my head.
First: should i just study oligopoly and mkt failure?
second: should i still try for an A in math? Will the investment be worth it?
Third: should i try harder for chem.. i mean i studied quite abit but its been days... and i have yet to study the earlier topics.
Fourth: physics... i sense that im doomed.

well, if theres anything i worry... its those.
I'm glad worship leading was last week, if not i'd be horribly distracted again.

speaking of which, it actually went quite well!
Well, merely considering the screwup where one of my songs disapparated, one would say it was an epic fail.
But somehow, the screwup was like a divine move, removing a song i forcefully added.
Thus what remained was the perfect combination...
and indeed, as the saying goes "if you want the song to touch others, let it touch you first".
Indeed, it has been great singing "once again" once and once again in my head.



Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
Many times I've wondered at Your gift of life
And I'm in that place once again

I'm in that place once again

And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

Now You are exalted to the highest place
King of the heavens, where one day I'll bow
But for now, I marvel at Your saving grace
And I'm full of praise once again

I'm full of praise once again

Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross, my Friend

i rarely post lyrics. But this is life, once again and once again.
Somehow the amazing grace brings me back once again, again and again.

There's something else stuck in my head.
A question, a question i want to ask very much.
Its a question with 2 answers and only one can answer.

Its stuck in my head, its making it ache. I'm dying to get it out...
But im afraid to know the answers, both are feared.
I can't concentrate and i can't study, this thought is tormenting and paralysing me.

how i wish my head listens when i say stop.

freeze!

In moments like this, i wish the time stopped.
Then i'll wander around this island of singapore.

I can revisit places i had wonderful memories.

i can visit my friends. If they're smiling, i can enjoy their smiles.
if they're unhappy, i can set things right for them.
Amidst the freeze, i can lay the foundations for warmth.

I wish time will stop right now.
I wish time and tide waits for me.
I want to waddle back into the past, i want to find myself.
Sometimes i feel as though i've lost myself, long buried in the past.


but time will not wait for me... it will move.

The motion of time brings sadness away, but the uncertainty of future keeps coming.
The onslaught of doubt will keep coming, will keep regenerating.
Will keep coming, crawling back.

Recently i found a blog.
It was a haven of innocence. Guess what the introduction was?
Hi, im ******,
& im thankful for what i have.

well maybe some people do lead lives without problems.

But at the very basics, life is life.
"bad" lives, "good" lives, all lives.
just because life feels shitty, it doesnt therefore become a lesser life.

no wonder people say "make the best of your time".
life is whatever you make of it.

hm.. life is like the most flexible piece of clay. Clay that can be glazed and yet remoulded.
Clay that's kneaded and toasted. Tossed and turned in the turbulence of life.

Turbulence is always there, where do you direct it to?

If i want my life back...

If i want it back i better be sure.
So far in life, i get anything i truly wanted. Im sure it'll be the same for life.

none.

"Guys have girlfriends and men have their wives but Lau Tuck Yan has no girl who wants him."

sounds familiar? besides my usual ranting abt how life is all abt girls, and that philosophy leaves me empty because my life has no girls, this actually resembles alot like a bible verse...
"Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."
Man, im so evangelical, using the topic on girls and my humble blog to mention verses from the bible. Actually, its like one foot in heresy. haha.

Well, in the light of the GP promos tomorrow, i'll like to express my view on this phrase "respect is earned"...


ah screw it. I'm just awfully disgusted by how in the end it boils down to the targetted individual.
You can change, you can try. You can give, you can sacrifice. At the end of the day, the special type of love, not mere gratitude, is given.
So sometimes you look, blank eyed and ask yourself.
"man.. how did some dude like that get a girlfriend?"
You'll know then, love is blind and love isnt chemistry.
Chemistry can be explained, can be formulated... love, is alchemistry.

wait wait... i've been studying chem....

DAMN it! I'm studying the wrong subjects!

a wednesday morning.

its morning like this where you wake up and the first thing that strikes you:
you're dead meat, doomed.

tomorrow's gp paper.
and right now, im in in my comfortable home, studying on the bed.
Yes damnit, im in school on time. and erin's late.

How to study gp? beats me. I've just received a copy of RJC's KS BULL.
a nice flashy name with a bull etched into a black semi hard cover magazine... or isit a book?

KS BULL. haha a joke. The essays completely blew me away.
I was remarking, if this is RJC's elite standard, i should be getting more for my class tests.
To cut the chase, i was appalled at the standard.
Suddenly, the already cocky "KS BULL" sounds even more irritating, almost shameless.

This is why i hate doing reviews, i review everything critically.
From retrospect, maybe my bro got it right.
RJC is publishing crap to enslave/poison the minds of innocent JC students.
Creating a make-believe low bar elitism which will trick them into believing that
it is easy to score, and your work dont need to be that incredible as projected in your own heads.
honestly, i think manyof the published essays wont even make it to 31 in PJ.

RJ RJ, why art thou ever deceitful?

inside out

felt like an unbeliever in church today, that hokkien concert.
everything was in hokkien, since im a cantonese, i have not even the slightest idea.

some words i can make up is.
God, Lord, Worship, depending on him, lalala.
haha not that i literally became an unbeliever, rather, i totally didnt get anything.
alot like how an unbeliever would, amidst a service.

ironic. i felt terrible when everyone laughed at jokes invisible to me.
not that they werent funny, they sure were.
I just didnt know what was going on the whole time.

ahh whatever. sleep, tomorrow's going to be CRAAZY.

you act'

aand so he always, out of the blue warns me. or so, "warns" me.
"you act what?"

i dont think i got why he ever said this kinda unfriendly shit, and sometimes mean it
untill i finally get the time to emo today morning.
(no i didnt stay at home and not study with you so that i can emo, no.)
there's hardly anything left behind in my pursuit to be unique.

i just want to be different, so much i forgot to fear being weird.

whats wrong with being unique? whats wrong?
i dont know. but maybe as he puts it incredibly plain, its acting.

how do i know if im acting?

i liked to say that life is intagible, its ambiguous, its vague.
you just cant define it, nor should you try.
you might just make the wrong judgement right? how can you guarantee that you'd do the justice to the many sides of life in one go?
maybe you should try, but dont convince yourself too hard.

recently, it feels as if life can be defined, just that im afraid to.
afraid to find that when i define it, i find myself not living a life.
afraid that when i define it, others try so hard living for it untill they lose themselves.

ahh, damn it.
i just wish, im smarter, better looking, more matured, more caring, more generous, more sensitive, less complicated, more innocent.

This is finally something in life that's hard.

knowing

appears you know.

If i have one wish, i'd wish i had 2 wishes.
then i'd wish you could become a christian, and i'd wish im good enough for you.

swallow

weird things have been happening in my life these few days.
For a start, i dont know why im still so busy at church.
For seconds, my chinese compo was rated: shit.
For dessert, my math teacher just told me he's disappointed in me.

nice what!

too many things have been happening and i feel helpless caught amidst of it all.
With all the torrential unceasing turbulence, life feels really shitty.
Today i've added a new guilt to my name. Things keep going bad, and i sacrifice one for another, i'm triggering an avalanche and i don't even know the severity of it yet.

promos are a week or 2 away.
Why am i feeling confident? I shouldnt be, if i know what's good for me, its time to know im in trouble.
deep trouble.

I promised this, promised that. I feel like an idiot digging my own grave.
a special day lies next next week- its ok, it'll be forgotten, buried amidst the helter-skelter.

everyday's feeling like yet another to be torn from the calendar.
Everyday's wasted and trashed, no wonder i'm already feeling my days numbered.

My mind is still on the wrong things.
Some things just tag onto you and never let go, and well.. maybe that's just because you're the one holding on tight.

maybe i'm a nasty hypocrite.

lament?

worthless

Proverbs, everything is a chasing after the wind.

Money, fame, wealth, talent, looks, speech, deeds- none of these have a worth.
Not at all. Its a sad day for the world that after thinking so much, i can see what's worthless.
I dont deserve anything.

PJC's a long way from home, everyday consists of a lonely journey to-and-fro.
My phone never rings, there's never a letter for me.
I struggle with sleep on the bus, i look out of the windows in solitude.
And i wonder, why am I living such a sad life in such a sad world.

And i wonder- what will make me happier?
I can change, i WILL change! Believe in me, give me a chance!
I can scream my lungs out, but when the balance lies not in my hands, what can i do?
But wait, and wait.. and wait.
I'm always walking back these days, walking back to the earlier days
and i ask myself what on earth is going on.

Surely i must've changed. I'm sure i did.
And i give up reasoning this nonsense, why are you acting like this?
I don't know, and you wont say, you'd say I'm just thinking too much again.
Not every storm in my life happens in a bowl of soup!

As i bury myself in school work, somehow i dont feel numb.
I dont feel numb at all, somewhere in my heart, there's a feeling lodged.
Its crippling, its empowering, it keeps me alive...
But i feel as good as dead.

ugh..

Its days like these, when the air freezes over
and i feel like a loser, sprawling all over the floor.

What have i done this time?

Oh, its no longer the process that matters, its finally just about the results.
Its when people all feel awkward when they've got no reason to.

What makes you powerless?
The same thing that makes you powerful.

It is bitter irony, when i feel like screaming 'WHY IS THIS?!"
and people would glance, wide eyed. They think its foolishness, but they've missed the point.
Its been a long time...
Holding my heart in my hands, swallowing the tears, doing my work.
Clutching the heartache to bed.
Its because when I'm free, something always has to happen.

It always happens.
always. and its my fault?

flowers.

I stepped into a grave, it wasn't spooky, wasn't chilly.
But sure was quiet.
It was a dead blog, obviously the writer haven't spoke for long.
Those stagnant writings were exactly like carvings on a tombstone, gently depicting history.
Sad, happy, proud history.
In the same fashion, history was being written until suddenly, the pen stops.
The pen, and the pendulum stops.

Glancing around, i found a certain familiarity. For awhile the writer became so alive in words
it was stinging of nostalgia.
A smile lit up my face, but tears went down my heart.
Looking a little to the left, i see the guest book, i see the plate of marble.
I left a little note. Then, i left a bouquet of white roses.
Somehow the way the bouquet bounced on the marble plate felt strange.
I thought i smelled a stench of rejection.
Other guests were here before, and they too left flowers, not a long time ago.
But somehow it all feels foolish.

Who reads these? Who appreciates?
Isit meant for the writer, or for the visitors?

We miss the deceased to much, will the deceased ever read what we write?
Will what we write give life? At least a smile?

At least a reply?

No, its those who are still alive...
We're the ones being forgotten.

you read?

You say I'm boring, you say i can only blog abt the past.
I'll tell you things you didn't know, maybe things you don't wanna know either.

It was a morning, a morning just like any other.
On the table was a plastic container, in the container was breakfast.
Across the table was better, it was someone beautiful.
The gentle morning rays lit up her face, the same way her smile always does
to hers as well as to mine.
A beautiful, complete morning, was one such as this.

After struggling in silent contemplation and planning, i opened the container smoothly
leaving no trace of my former ignorance.
I picked up the spoon, and dug it into the bowl of soy curd.
Looking up, she was messaging on the phone.
She turned just in time to catch me, again, mesmerised at her.
Picking up the other spoon from the blind corner of my eye, i raised it into view.
"You want?" i asked her, already knowing her answer.
But with regards to whether she noticed the second spoon, or was waiting for me to invite her,
I can't quite say anything for sure.
As her spoon, too, dug into the curd, she looks up and asked me.
Her words were a pleasant surprise
" So, do you feel loved?"
Her words were too pleasant a surprise.

At the very instance, i looked at her face.
She's smiling, she must mean it!
A torrent of thoughts and speculations clogged up my mind.
What's this? Is she hinting something with precise subtlety?
I felt my ears warming up, i was sure my face was already red.
My heart was racing and my head started to itch.
Immediately, my bones became as soft as the curd in the bowl.

Let me simplify. Is she finally telling me that she likes me, too?

As i swayed in disbelief of the inconvenient "truth", somehow my tongue lied.
But the lie was the truth, and i had been wrong.
"You're talking about my blog right?"
"Haha yeah!"

Her jovial, carefree laughter tore my dreams into pieces.
For awhile i felt like an idiot, then i really felt like i needed to swear.
But i didn't swear, no not here, not in front of her. NEVER.

I had experienced the greatest, most vivid anti-climax ever in my entire life.
Feeling dejected, I explained myself, shoving quick spoonful of rice balls and soy curd into my mouth.

Sometimes i ask, in a silly fashion.
Can't i just have a girlfriend like everyone else?

no, but you're not a christian.

being loved

Who doesnt like the feeling of that?
I for one, love to be important.

I liked the feeling of being loved, i like to see girls in the full glory of their sweetness.
But back then I didn't comprehend it.
I'd boast, I'd add every single of those encounters as equipment to furnish a huge ego.
And then at the end of the year i learnt. But it was too late.
I remembered how i brought the hopes high high up, and dashed them with my own hands.

But as i rose from the ashes in sec4, i decided...
I told God, if I'm such a fool, then take all these away, far away.
I'd rather be hurt, I'd rather be ugly, unwanted.
I'd rather say wrong things all the time, then to say wrong things at particular times.

And when I'm that, and love finds me...
I asked God to bless that love for me, that I won't miss out on what I regard as the greatest thing on earth- to be in love, to get married, to start a family.
To let some lucky girl enjoy everything I am.

I enjoy the feeling of being loved, i really do.
But what i pronounced then, seems to be setting in already.
I ache and my heart becomes like stone.

Strange, i wonder.
Maybe its the reason why i haven't cried so long.

And now I chase after the wind, for the wind has changed direction
And is blowing away from me.

being loved.

It was exactly like this...

Late monday afternoon, I was dragging my heels, walking to my class locker.
Feeling dejected, feeling resentful- this was exactly how it felt.
I lamented at the floor, my head was hurting, throbbing slightly.
The setting sun behind me casted a brownish hue upon the school building.

I reached for the locker, pushing and twisting the key in hard.
When the lock was openned, I placed the keys, together with the lock on a ledge just above the lockers.
I blindly shoved a few books to join the mess in the locker.
At that instant, I thought i recalled something...
Upon turning my head, I was just in time to see someone sneaking up...

She, had a silly smile on her face saying, "Oops! I'm caught!".

I gave a tired smile. Unlike her, I was not in the mood for anything.
She was dripping wet, so much her shirt stuck to her. Netball training must've just ended.

She didn't look so attractive 3 days ago when i met her at backstage.
My heart raced, somehow she made me feel important.

Embarrassed, she glanced at the floor, her hands promptly pushing a makeshift envelop into my hands.
"A letter?" I pondered.
"er.. Haha" she squirms in her own discomfort, almost as if answering my question.
I caught her pretty face, half lit by the few rays of sunlight, but not for long.
She turns and runs, her ears were brilliantly red-lit.
I could make up a smile on the side of her face.
Staring, smiling too, i looked upon the letter.

"tUck yAn :)) XD", almost as if she was standing right before me.
That's how she'd call me, with a silly smile on her face.
When did i tell her if i liked orange?

When i looked up, she had disappeared into the corner down the corridor.
Flipping the envelop around, "YINGYING!" was written big and bold, exactly like this.
It was as if she really wanted me to remember her.
And i did, and i still do.

top n reasons why you shouldnt fail promos.

top n reasons. n is a tribute to math and n is an unknown.

1.you let yourself down
2. you waste your life
3. you should've gone poly
4. the j1s will be nasty
5.you'll be awkward around your friends.
6. your friends will be awkward because you are awkward.
7.cocky people become your seniors
8.you get stuck 1 additional year in your cca
9.the slackers associate you with them.
10.you dont want that
11.your bf goes NS and you mug A levels- confirm breakup
reasons are getting abstract.
12.your mum will think you need lesser allowance
13.you get to use the com lesser
14.you sit through the lectures you've been sleeping through, and sleep again. torture.
15.your canteen food sucks and you're gonna eat it for one more full year.
16.a year later your good friends are gone, you've gotto make new ones
.
.
.
.
.
n.devastation to self esteem.


sure there are more and more reasonable reasons.
but if you arent scared enough, why not? slack!

what!

The tears fell silently onto his trembling, open hands.
The recent events raced through his mind, ramming hard against his throbbing heart.
"what... what have i done to my life?" he asked, rhetorically.

Life has been chasing of bubble dreams. Jumping, stretching, reaching.
In the end, it's with his very own hands, he shatters his dreams.
Why? Isn't fervor worthy in exchange? Where was he unworthy?
He don't know, and no one can offer an answer-

In this cold dark night, under this faint orange streetlight, he's lonely and no one speaks to him.
He searches for someone, someone who could lend him her ears.
He did find one some time ago, then again, maybe it was another illusion.
Good things last like a flash in the pan.

Chance is like lightning, it never strikes twice.
"How foolish, what nonsense." he remarked and smiled.
His heart almost fails him. Again, more droplets fell to his hands.


Somehow I'm just the repulsive kind of person.
Somehow nobody ever initiates conversations with me.

Why do i always have to BEG to speak?
Do i owe anyone a living? Why is life so unfair?
Its days like this, feeling unwanted is justified.

damnit. AM I WRONG?

if ever.

She knows..
She just doesnt know how much i like her.

Its this UGH! GUUHH! irony in life that makes life suck.
Its about a small boy thinking of plans, he has great plans.
Romantic plans, fun plans, maybe... perfect plans.
He thinks and he smiles to himself.

And its this girl who takes everything he plans.
She trashes it because he's not the one.
And how? Who is at fault?
No one, yet somebody's hurt.
How can there be a victim without a victimizer?

So here's the boy, now crying with tears of the rain.
His fingers write something on the flooded concrete floor.
The words appear and are drowned again, nothing happy lasts longer than a fleeting moment.
Its yet another day, with cloudy skies and yet piercing rays.
The sky which covers our world is throbbing with irony.

Sometimes if only they knew.
If only it would be this way, and not the other.
Life is so 50/50 you, thats why its hard to let go.
We'll keep singing chicken and the egg till we're drown in misery.
Misery of self deceive.

If only if i was around at the right time, born a year before.
only if. only if. if. if.

in the dark

If you read this, know that i regret leaving this out.
Again i find myself, tortured by an old trick.

Back then when i was in sec2.
There's another reason why i left her.
Its simple, its not complex.
It sounds foolish, it sounds ridiculous.

She was a non-christian.

Some "Christians" dont give 2 hoots about this.
But to me, this an impossible barrier.

no compromises, no keeping one eye closed.

These days i've been tormented.
Your messages were so cold- but i said to myself:
This is your chance to free yourself.

and guess what happens?

i wont elaborate.
I'm stuck, i'm chained to you.
You dont look like you like it, and for me im already feeling repulsive about it.
I shouldn't enjoy it, and finally i don't.

I dont know how to face up to you.
All these things really really makes me want to run away.

I'm unwilling to keep you in the dark.
But who knows how you'd respond?

"you're just thinking too much.."?

an answer i grew old on hearing.

not every storm in life happens in the teacup.