This mum

I'm not quite sure what the reason is, but my mum has been most easily provoked these few days. She's been going on about all sorts of "drink the soup now" and "why do you all always forget", with the ever significant tone of utter disappointment present in her voice.

Frankly, I'm quite sick of it. A few days ago I'd debate with her. Now I don't. I think it's got to do with my aunt and how her children were reluctant to pay for the slip disc operation. My mum's been grumpy, and occasionally accusing my not washing of plates as a symptom for not providing for her in the future.

I'm trying my best to understand. God is there anything You can do? I pray you keep me going, keep me brave to correct her when she gets out of hand, energize me, don't let my love grow cold.

If there's anything suitable to do which when done can assure her, lead me to those things. 
However, by no means spoil my mum. Honestly, would You love her and discipline her too?

jim elliot

Shadow of the Almighty

   Reading his biography brings chills to me. A talented, witty, intelligent man called to missions. I used to think that somehow being intellectually furnished means God sends you into the workplace. Now that I think about it, the rigors of mission life... doesn't it take precisely such a person? Someone to think on his feet, someone who sees ahead, someone efficient...

  I dare not compare. He lived a truly radical life. Yet in my head I know there was nothing special about him, nothing exclusive, it isn't a life I cannot have. I feel... my words come back to me. The times when I said that it is quite unrighteous to hope to walk away from a realization unchanged. It seems like I'm standing at a precipice and notably how the temptations encamp ever closer, how the responsibilities surge. I'm standing before a revolution, do I pick up arms. Do I start?

 

what a day

Barely after concluding the previous post, someone called out my name. Looking up, it was a familiar face, a friend from orientation week.
In her usual socially awkward fashion, she got a drink and sat somewhere else. So I texted her to come over. Oh, we were at one-north Starbucks.

What happened next was quite a slew of random conversations, just catching up. Commenting that my hair was long, I showed her a picture of what it was before I had it cut. Something else in the picture caught her eye.

It was this particular other girl. She asked if I know her. Sure I do, she's from my neighbourhood and she is someone I... know too much about perhaps. So I started recounting about how I knew her. The girl in the picture was a girl my ex often complained to me about, a girl who "flirted" constantly with her former boyfriend while they were still together. Now my friend seated across the table had her eyebrows raised.

She asked me for the name of the guy. At my reply, her eyes widened and she was becoming teary. She looked really shocked.

"why, you're dating him now are you?" I asked teasingly.

but it wasn't funny because her best friend is kinda seeing him now.
And so she asked me about what I know about that guy, and I told her as much I knew for sure.

I hope her best friend is able to walk away from this one. He's really dangerous... well he was.
A part of me wonders if he's turned into a new leaf. I can't possibly know for sure.
A part of me wonders if today is the very reason why I had to go through what I did, if this conversation and my knowledge of this person was meant to save this poor ignorant friend from trouble.

I cannot tell. I wish my friend all the best with her best friend. I reminded her to pray. I sent her off. Fingers crossed.

An unexpected visitation

I got up this morning after a night of proper sleeping (finally, finally a sleep which adequately express the fact that the exams are over). My mum was in the kitchen and the first thing she said was that my aunt is in the hospital and I should visit her.

I was unwilling, but I knew I should and so I agreed and before long we left the house.

The long walk from outrum to block 6 was interspersed with acute aches emanating from my tooth. I felt miserable. It's still there and aching (and getting worse by the day) because my parents don't want me to do the surgery at a private clinic. It's impossible for them to know how it kept me up last night, again.

Having arrived at the ward I plopped myself into a chair because my energy was almost spent just containing the pain and maintaining a smile on my face. My aunt had a fall or something and has a  slipped disc. Already in her 70s I believe, she still looked incredibly energetic, propping herself up on the bed enthusiastically... she did not look the least bit slip-disc-ed.

She grabbed my arm and called my name, her triumphant expression as though mind-reading me since the adults always mix me and my brother's names up. I forced myself take her seriously, I was already in a poor mood by then, prone to not care or take anybody's words seriously. But she was heaping blessings on me, as usual.

I sat down and kept to myself. Tens of minutes ticked by until she turned towards me again.
She asked me if I were busy now, wanting to know if I were visiting her while sidelining some work I had to do. I said I did. I said that this holiday doesn't look must of a holiday to me at all.

In my mind I think of some of the less desirable things which have elapsed. I think of how just monday I was asked to help but got dumped the whole job of prepping for Saturday's fellowship (a slight bitterness I overcame and Saturday turned out really well, but now it just came back, like an old wound) and then on Sunday breakfast I entered the planning effort for Kid's camp and it turns out they heaped alot more duties on me than I had previously agreed to. Plus the rehearsal where everyone came late because they couldn't get their priorities right about eating lunch and sat around subsequently shrugging shoulders and saying matter-of-factly that they did not read the script. I was feeling so helpless, worse because I squandered monday away, checking out and then just lazing at home being unproductive.

With all the camps coming up... with the fellowship month finale to set in stone requiring all sorts of expertise I don't already have... I said
"yeah, actually I do have work to do."

And my aunt replied innocently, looking at her legs now in pain and numb from the slipped disc, "isn't it great to be able to run around and do things?" the sense of longing in her eyes unmistakable, my heart broke within me.

That she was unaware of what was really going on in my life was incredible... remarkable in that it really didn't matter. I want her to tell me the same even if I told her about what happened. It'll still be the same, it is still great to do things... it is still great to serve God.

My mum returns to the ward. She turns and starts speaking to my mum in dialect. The short conversation was over, but long enough for me to know.
Dear Lord there's a lot waiting for me to do. Many I don't enjoy doing... like arts camp. I don't even know why I agreed. I'm wishing now that I am a tougher nut to crack and much lesser of a yes man. I haven't even trained for IPPT on 25th may, which I now know to be right after bible camp. I don't know how you're going to mould those lackadaisical youths into adequate actors. I don't know anything at all.
I feel like a fool with my little attempts to control my life. Please help me to look to you first when I wake, look to you first when the problems come, look to you in my enjoyment, look to you in the pain, look beyond the pain in my tooth and to fall asleep still looking at you.

Where else shall I turn to? Make me cling onto you that I may not die, but instead, find life in this striving.

Amen.



C is teaching today. I pray she speaks fluently and incisively, is conscious of any selfish ambition and is determined to be right before you. As the trip takes a turn for what seems like low-key with the trip tomorrow to her cousin's house, I pray you keep the fervour in them and cause them to actively seek to fulfil their purpose there, that is, to strengthen the missionaries. Continue to keep her in the spirit of unit with the other two that they may be spared the grief of unnecessary quarrels.
I have no idea what's going on right now... all I can do is to put them into your hands, in which they surely are, already.
Amen.

Oh God help me to spend my free time wisely!

These 12 days

You have no idea how things have leapt at me just 2 days after you left.
Take care huh. Hahaha. 
But I perceive that this is God's will and I remember that we prayed for it.

Excited, I walk to meet it.

I'm feeling it profoundly

To Parents

Even as I consider what marriage is all about..

Well, yesterday was a special day, we had fellowship gathering with the adults. In particular was this idea of not taking our parent's love for granted.
How do we not take it for granted? By articulating our appreciation for it. 爱不要只挂在心上。

And so of course as humans do, some parents began going on the extreme, becoming defensive/aggressive out of the blue and saying all sort of extremist absolute statements about how all parents love their kids and sadly not all kids love parents. That's really nonsense if you asked me.

For:
It is easier for a parent to conceal their lack of love (all sorts of excuses come in: It was good intention, poor execution, it was tough love, it was...)
But when children are unfilial, it's super obvious and inescapable.

At any rate, some more sensible parents were able to seize the moment and ask the right questions. One lady in particular, asked:
“什么最容易惹孩子的气？”
A question which refers to Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (ESV)

And so it was the youth's turn to make a mistake. As though triggering a long buried grievance, some began to ever so innocently pour out their frustration. "Oh I hate it when my parents tell me to drink water while I'm busying with work, it's like they don't respect me and think I'm an idiot."

"For me.. it's when they..."

"..."

There was an unease in my heart as I heard the sharings come. Can it be that parents really provoke their children to anger by asking them to drink water? I mean, for instance, did the mother of that youth really think he was stupid? 

Well, in all likelihood, most likely no. 

Compelled to say something edifying, I spoke. 

I said that first I doubt the bible is taking a consequentialistic view about provoking your children. So here it says that provoking is something we should make effort to not do, however, I don't think that it means to ask parents to decide on the issue by looking at the reaction of their children i.e. they have not immediately violated this command when their children are provoked.

Instead, I plead with them to consider our insolence, immaturity and foolishness which is common with youths. I tried reminding them that we know little and often spare too little thought for why they talk and nag. I tried reminding them too that we are not acquainted with loss of love ones and are slow to cherish. 

I tried reminding them that more often than not, it's our own immaturity or estrangement from God which causes us to be provoked. 

And so I hazarded a guess that when the bible says "do not provoke" it really means "do not mean to provoke". That parents should not find themselves in an unscrupulous position where they have an intent and design to anger their children, which is unloving. Instead, they should always preserve a loving heart towards the children God gives to them. 

At this moment I felt God moving amongst us, mediating my poorly expressed in chinese sharing and kneading a smile onto a few faces. I hope they weren't prideful with their smiling (like aha! the kids finally admit they're dumb) but that my sharing addressed a struggle that existed. I hope they have often frowned at the difficulty between following the bible and doing their loving nagging and now see how the two come together. 

Surely when appreciated, this verse may work to cut down nagging. Parents may find better ways or may be reminded, as the older, wiser party, to articulate and make explicit the love which belies all the nagging we youths hate. 

Hopefully coming to know that the verse targets "motive" and not "result" will cause our parents to become more reflexive, to carefully select the form of expression such that they can communicate their love better to their children. 

I hope the smiles were real, I pray they love their children. Teach them dear Lord, as you are the perfect father. Whereas for us, the youths, may we learn to submit to them even when we do not understand. Help us to mature quickly dear Lord, that we may not anger our parents for long.