think

When i think of her,
I just go bonkers.

She must be tired
running around my mind 24/7

She must be fat
For she can occupy my spacious head.

She has insomnia, she stays awake in my dreams.

When the world collapses and there is nothing to hope for.
I hope for a girlfriend, i still do.
When the world is disappointing and left me numb.
I know she'll be my last trace of humanity.

Its been ages.
Where have you gone?

if you read

If you're reading this, i hope you know.
The chemistry test had been a wake up call.
What sounded so distant, what sounded illusive.
What was a joke now sound all so serious.

And i know why.
I finally know why I'm so anxious.
You've always told me that you had low self-esteem, are introverted etc.
People say a trial or 2 is good for your health, puts some energy back into old bones.
They say setbacks make one stronger.

I say a close shave is even more memorable.
I say we should leap over this danger.
You shouldn't have to feel the pain of getting retained.

I'm desperate.
Its such an opportunity that we ended up in the same school.
Its crazier to land in the same OG.
Its insane to become good friends.

Its almost impossible and it happened.
One year slipped past, and i have only 1 more year to leave a mark in your life.
I want to see you confident, i want to see you smile.
I want to see you successful, more importantly
i want to see what you're capable of doing in church, as a christian.

I have but 1 year.
And if something bad was to happen, i figure it'd steal that year away.
Once A levels end, once we have our certs, I estimate we'll part.
I'll only remain as a fragment of your memory, and i won't see you ever again.
With luck, maybe Jacon's birthday parties.
Further pushing it, maybe I can attend yours.

I dream of a beautiful time when everything's over.
When we can go out with friends and savour a breath of refreshing freedom.
Through a storm do we see truly clear skies.
Nothing is sweet without putting up a fight.

When you looked at me, and told me you wanted to understand, I was glad.
With each passing day you sprout and grow, you start thinking harder.
Its been encouraging.

Its more exciting then to witness for myself how life can get more interesting.

DIRE

spell it backwards, you're almost there.

Dear unbeliever whom im head over heels in love with.
Love brings people to marriage and marriage brings more love.
Marriage ends at death, marriage unites 2 bodies as 1.
Only when 2 substances have the same type of bonding then are they miscible.
In life, my bond type is Christianity.
Yours isn't- thus we aren't miscible.

In the bible, a relationship between lovers is said to reflect the sweetness
of truly knowing God.
As a result, a believer cannot be yoked with an unbeliever... :(

I could change my bond type to suit you, but I must never!
I hope you understand my plight.
So here's 2 solutions left.

1. You can try changing your bond type to mine.
2. Teach me how to remove you from my equation.

I know you'd rather choose 2, for i do not concern you.
So if thats so, choose and do something.

dream

so, even i wonder what kind of girls do i like.
As i gazed from the grandstand, suddenly i know.
Sunshine.
Joy, simple, drama.
Isn't life supposed to be a drama? It is right?

it makes sense then.

thousands

In moments like this, a thousand of things cross my mind.
cause I, even I find myself weird.
Even I detest myself.

When i ask myself "why has everything come to this?"
I know I won't ever know.
Why i wait till i start screwing up before doing my work.
Why i start screwing up after a success.
Why happiness never fills me ever.
Why i have yet to find back a friend who values me as much as i would value him/her

So many things to be obsessed with, so little time!
Why has it come down to this?
My thoughts are clashing like a chain reaction.
And soon i know the fabrics of my feeble mind won't comprehend them further.
Who is worthy, who is able?

None.
And i thought i wanted to be more positive.

walking down a corridor
vengeance on the right.
a sword on the left.
head tilted down.

why do i always picture mysself like that?
what the heck.

wait wait.

i know what i said.
i know i said i wont be upset or angry.

I'm not angry, well, but i am upset.
Sometimes i wonder if what Jon says is true.
"You give too much and expect too much in return."
Sigh, I'm still so immature.
Its still a trade, I'm still light years away from giving.

I dont know what this spells.
You missed the appointment 3 times in a row.
Every single time I'd have to find you.
And when I'm sought I'd make myself found.

But when I'm looking it takes so much luck just to find you.

I think i latched onto the wrong plant.
I'm the one who's getting drained.

withering.

I was in church, looking at past photographs.
my heart aches, from the pictures i know the unphotogenic me has now become more unphotogenic.
I feel a deep pain of loss.

how can a flower wither before it has blossomed?
How can a man falter before he is old?

Isit because its no longer reflecting the radiance?
Isit the pimples?
Isit the diminished inner beauty?
Isit the expanding cheeks?
between the lines, miss the point.

maybe its because im still rotting inside.
or maybe its because im already tired from acting.
acting like a saint, acting mature, acting generous, acting free, acting smart.
act, act, act. etc.
its evident then, now as i am feeling powerless.
I seek to gain power, but i purposely search somewhere else.
I know where to get power.

i do, i do.

It wasnt a long time ago when i got powerful.
But whenever i used it for personal gains, i feel the power drained away.
There used to be a smile that was true.
Till i said it isnt, it isnt, and it went away.

why do people only treasure things when they're gone?
Indeed then, rising to the occasion isn't always a good thing, after it, you fall back anyway.
Its sad how adaptability becomes a liability.
Its weird how lying low may make you oblivious and ungrateful.
And ungratefulness, remains the poison it is.

withers the flowers prematurely.

sad right?

excuses

I was sitting in the canteen with my friends, doing some unnecessary last-minute studying.
There was this really good looking volleyballer sitting somewhere near, right behind us.
As typical guys they were, they started talking.
"There that one, quite pretty, go for her lah!" JN said, teasingly.
"Where, which one?"
"That one, with the green white bag."
"siao!"

that comment took me by surprise, "siao" isn't exactly an orthodox word to go with this conversation.
so i asked.
"why? cannot meh?" backing up with facts i learnt, "She's never had a boyfriend."
I still find it hard to believe, but from my reliable sources, I know it must be true.

"of course no boyfriend la, she so pretty who dare to try?"
i chuckled in my heart, because it was really funny, and because i always chuckle.
Don't guys go for girls just for looks these days?
Well, maybe then they go for pretty, but loose girls-girls who look easy to get- all for namesake.
pitiful.

and then they continued, to the ever mysterious topic. sex.
was appalled to hear that one of them views sex so lowly, he'd do it before marriage to curb the desires.
"but ah, he's just so hippy" I'd tell myself.
sometimes i hope i could say something harsh, like," look at you! who would want to sex with you?"
Then again, nowadays even that isn't true. Sex has degraded from love, to physical attraction, and to something lousier these days.

fleeting

a moment too sweet.
let complacency, let foolishness take it away.

today was the cremation ceremony, yes, already.
And like i failed to say yesterday,

I really think its pitiful to gather over a funeral.
I can never tell you guys how disappointed I am.

many of you just owe me.
Those tears shed, just how pure were they?

I wonder how grandfather felt.
As he carried your atroucities to grave.
Neither fillial neither exemplary.

passion;

passion. What is passion?

apparently, the root word encompasses submission and sacrifice.
What's your passion?
Singing, dancing? Love?

Passion is a strong emotion? Not!
Even emotions can wither away before a storm.

Passion is unyielding.
Passion is about sacrificing for something you derive joy from.
No, this is no sadistic pleasure.
Sadistic pleasure is sacrificing for pleasure.

There is no other passion like Christ, sacrificing his life
For the joy of mankind's salvation.

what do you sacrfice for today?
Have you lost your passion lately?

Passion cannot be lost!
Calculate your costs before setting out for the journey!

one curtain after another

My heart slowed.
"Its alright now, i thought."
I found her, like always, she's with the guys.
I'd have been with the girls, but you cant have many at one go.
At times you've gotto give up much for a single gem, yeah...

My heart fell.
"That's him."
I found him, i knew he'd be around.
"Do you have a polaroid camera?" he asked my buddy.

His voice! How do i find words for it?
It was strong, powerful,friendly, warm. His words were simple.
My heart stopped when i noticed how her actions changed around him.
Before me, stood a millenial appointment, individuals truly made for one another.
A divine edict, an inseparable match from heaven.

I was overwhelmed by hopelessness.
My heart then, became like stone, before them, i was like a fool.
My camera almost fell out of my hand.

Yes, so she is one year older.
But age gap never seemed more solid a wall then that night.
I was speechless. My will went dry, my hopes were lost.
As we got into the car, buddy's mum asked.

"So, did he turn up?"
"yeah, he was sitting beside me!" her voice resonated behind a curtain of exhileration and embarrassment.
I kept my gaze straight, i knew i musn't see with my own eyes, the joy on her face.
"Did he say you were pretty?"
"yeah, he did." her voice now toneless as her eyes were preoccupied on her handphone, she sends a message to i-know-who.

I could jolly well guess how his "you look gorgeous tonight" swept her away.

and i didnt even need to wait till ihear of his expensive birthday bundle yesterday.
"Come on now, its great to be single", you'd say.

a funnel

God have mercy on the "happy" ones.
Why are we the ones burdened with the weight of the sin of the world?

God, fill the funnel from the top.
Let your overflowing mercy join with the tiny stream of the point end of the funnel.
Feed the world, let your mercy flow and drain from us, but please, keep us happy.

I have decided, to follow Jesus closer
No turning back..
No turning back.

dead in transgressions.

Sometimes Lord, i rather you don't save a loser like me.

Sometimes i feel like your unlimited love cannot save me.
Sometimes i feel your generous grace cannot reach me.
Sometimes i like a misfit in your perfect plan.

This is how i see life.
Despair, hopeless, doomed, torment.
Joy is but comfort.

Why cant i have a life like them?
Why wasn't i born stupid?

Tonight is just a crazy night.
Im tired, my body is creaking.
But Lord, i want to blog till i find an answer.
Running away just hurts so much!

"This is faith in my risen lord. This is hope, that my sins he forgot."
Isit?
Have i died so deep in my own problems I cannot turn back?
Being inflamed with lust, greed and horrible deed?

HOW MUCH LONGER O' LORD SHALL I SUFFER?!
HOW MUCH LONGER SHALL I REMAIN IN THE DARK?!

why why, behind that flippant facade.
Lies that angsty boy.
Still too childish for the world.

"give me 100 zealous followers of christ and i shall shake the very gates of hell"
You know God, i wished it was true.
Don't let the devil steal my heart away.

dark chocolate

I told this friend sometime ago.
Life is like dark chocolate.

dark
bitter
sweet.

Some people love dark chocolate, some people dont.
Some people rather live in a life of merry milk chocolate and rainbow-coloured M&ms.

Some people totally hate chocolate.
Be it with marshmellows or cream inbetween.
Be it a cake or even icecream.

But you like dark chocolate, dont you?

broken in many places

I just came back from a merry party.
But i'm not in a hurry to post the photos.
Why? Because i'm not merry.

Just imagine. Being sick, having a hefty weightload tomorrow.
Everything is definitely wrong here.
Who am i kidding? How long do i plan to look without a returning gaze?
How long am i going to get wrong signals, get wrong ideas?
When will i stop hoping in the impossible?

Getting up from the cozy bed. Every morning you want to see that face.
Every morning you do.
And you wonder why God allows attraction to occur between jigsaw puzzles that dont fit.
Why have i so little control over my own life?
There's work, there's humiliation, there's guilt, there's slavery, there's her.
And ouch, why.
Why is love so forbidden?
And why why isit so impossible?

I dont think of why God allows illness and death.
Sometimes i wonder why i'm so natural.
How isit fair that i should be natural? How isit fair that i should be led by my nose?
Every night when i walk down a particular flight of stairs, my breath becomes heavy.
I've lost much, and i have gained little.
I've so much to say, so much to confess, but why am i left with no one but God?
I dont see the privileage! I dont feel the bliss!

I'm feeling devastated. It felt like another crippling blow.
Why things never turn out well, that i'll never know.
God if you could hear this prayer, if only you could.

Take this all away! TAKE IT ALL AWAY!
Why do i have to do this!

As i saw how he swept her away.
I felt the pain of my loss.
Why are the delightful things starting to be kept away?

Nothing has gone right for quite awhile.
Lord, where is the way out?