and even though i thought i had it all under control
i cant change the way i feel in time

everything slowly wastes away
because i cant leave you behind.

and even though it's pleasure and pain
though it's like tears in the rain
i know my just place to be

its that of surrender, not to you or to me
but to the one who forever's between

but still i pray, you come to this side
in peace, love and mercy forever reside
i once wanted but my reasons were wrong

now i pray for this will to be strong.

christmas isn't christmas
till it happens in your heart
somewhere deep inside you
is where christmas really starts


so give your heart to jesus
you'll discover when you do

that it's christmas, really christmas
for you.

you know how we rarely find ourselves in a genuine decision making position
that when we are finally there, we see the decision making as being so precious
carefully, gently, naively, cautiously taking our time with one when it comes
and in our caution to not funk it up
the event comes and goes.

and all that is left is this confused little boy
who's left with all his woes

Precious Lord, take my hand,
Lead me on, let me stand,
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn;
Through the storm, through the night,
Lead me on to the light:

Refrain

Take my hand, precious Lord,
Lead me home.

When my way grows drear,
Precious Lord, linger near,
When my life is almost gone,
Hear my cry, hear my call,
Hold my hand lest I fall:

Refrain

When the darkness appears
And the night draws near,
And the day is past and gone,
At the river I stand,
Guide my feet, hold my hand:

Refrain

precious lord, take my hand
lead me lord, let me stand
i am weak, i am worn
keep me dear Lord, to your plan.

nothing will be too difficult
nothing will be too pain
nothing will be too precious to forgo
if you would just, take my hand

and then its in intervals like these..
awaiting a reply to my questionable message.

Sometimes I feel like throwing the towel
Decrying everything
Moving on with "Its not like i've never been there, felt that"

jasmine tea

i used to have this friend
who'll always be there for me.
For laughs for cries
for every wimpy behavior

but she got occupied with this new toy
who is none other than her JC boy
now the things she used to do
like peaking round my facebook wall...

are gone.
Its a really funny feeling.. though
its not like i've never had this before.

what's the perk of ord?
getting a girlfriend?

aha. now i know what to watch out for. gonna make sure i wont go that way.

i want to slow down and take it slow.
stop time to think it through
do away the manipulative words
and think of how to make it true.

oh dude. you do know that earthly sorrows lead to death right?
God, you got to save me from this. teach me the things to want.

i'm glad you feel the same way
until i find that it's not me you were referring to.
nevertheless so long as it feels as though you have a heart,
i can imagine, maybe its just me, maybe it's just me you're cold to.

and in the end, there's nothing left for those who want to be complicated about everything.
nothing for those who think they deserve

after so many years
it's finally apparent
while i'm hurt, you're not responsible.
i am the one who's hurting myself.

oh lord. why am i like that?
why can't i have the innocence back?

there's this undeniable void every 7th august.

Its like a chasing of the wind.

There's something there I went to satisfy.
But it was never promised and will never happen.
Each time I strive to do something more
all I get is this emptiness in return.

The promise which was never made will never come.

You looked really pretty yesterday, by the way.

its funny how we dont believe our friends when they let it slip that they aren't very nice people. I mean, if you stopped to think for awhile, you'd know how much nicer you are to strangers... and how you can't care less when its your family.

are you angry because you finally got comfortable enough to get angry?
or is your anger the final show before the curtains close on us?

why does it hurt so much?

well, the reason why i stayed in pj
my first close friend there
the person whose house i stepped into, countless times
the person i came to like
the person i tried to help
the person whose hope i reignited

but..
the person i tried to bring to christianity for my own selfish gain
also the one i've possibly let down the hardest
the one from whom i never spared a single harsh word
the one who had to entertain my insecurities even though it was never an obligation
the one whose hopes i brought too high but got lazy and never delivered..
the one who got worried on results day that i may despise her because of her results
the one who continued talking and staying around despite always feelig bad about herself around me... has possibly finally given up.

you know, sometimes i do feel lost when approaching you, unsure if my company was enjoyed.. or if it were some mysterious energy sustaining you to tolerate my nonsense.
occassionally i find myself disgusted at the way i am, i feel, sometimes, as if i embodied everything you ever hated. i feel as though i were a force of destruction uprooting the very life you lived.. and still i thought, maybe, maybe if i left a smile on my face, we can all pretend it to be okay untill we lose the reason to be in touch, forever.
it really is me isn't it, the lucky one in this acquaintance. i did take you for granted afterall..
isit escapism if i wish this to end?

This is crazzy alright. spent my whole life showing others' their mistakes when i ought to simply apologize. now i get this feeling that everytime someone's angry with me, they are expecting me to show them why they're wrong to be angry... so when i apologize instead, its a disappointment, its a i dunno what i shall say to you now, i'm still angry etc.
this is killing me. i'm in a debt i cannot pay, so please, inview that i am human and imperfect, on the account of your generosity, forgive me, please

nevertheless, i'm okay with the situation now.
it can stay like this, it is great already.

transposition. an element in the lower reality must represent multiple elements of the higher reality.

when you worship and feel close to God, it can be:
just a feeling
you are close to God

you know you can talk to me if you wanna.
it's so odd that when you open up your ears to do the hearing, you get upset when the words don't come, as though they were promised- but they aren't!
actually, this reveals something...
it doesn't matter whether you want to talk or not,
it was me, who wanted to talk to you, the whole time.

those status updates zoomed past as i flicked my finger, so many words... so many promises, waiting for their meanings to run dry. waiting for that unspecified expiry to come.
we say because it feels good at that point in time. can it be that much of such musings have little motive for meaning but a huge quest for romance?
why do you say it then, with the quotations and all and why do you craft your sentences into emotion provoking instruments?
is that your self expression or do you truly wish communication?
at what cost my friends, hence i have absolved that, as far as i can, never to speak too soon but only when i'm certain to eternity of what i'm about to say. though oddly enough many things said could've been unsaid.. and i observed that we'd be left with little to talk about.
and is this possible?
no.
that's why?
not always irresponsible, rather, at large we fail to be responsible.

i'd ask you why you didnt come and the conversation would've ended badly.
so i'll ponder it aloud here and i'll be done.
you'll forget to tell me when you're gonna fly, wont you?

its hard to say: enjoy yourselves guys, may you find God in the campers.

such perversion that although their joy ought to be my joy, i have instead sorrow.

welling within me this mysterious crippling bland tasteless pain. suppressed by the prevalent climate of joy
where joy keeps this sorrow company, making it hopelessly alone.
but sorrow is a property subjected to me, not i subjected to it.
i can discard it and i'll be saved.
and there the lonliness, alone, will cease to exist.

back from cuz's wedding. almost dead

hence, true repentance is revealed in exceptional willingness to take the deserved punishment.

dear su an
its not like i'll miss you for long.
you know what saddens me most?
i didn't end a note higher or comparable to when we first met.

well whatever you say to comfort yourselves, there will be no true comfort until you realise how your own sinfulness lands yoi in many of your problems. look closely... its no persecution, its no oppression... it is self incurred wrath which only repentance and forgiveness can remove.

and finally i had the courage to ring you up.
a conversation that was, speaking as though we were old friends who remained that way.
All of a sudden i dropped my reservations, i ceased to mind how you treated me for the last 6months.

and we got onto the topic of your current crop of sorrows...
and just when you were about to spell it out over the phone, you went silent.

And how was i supposed to know
that waking up for a second or two
has postponed our conversation for eternity?

as I fought my way back into my sleep, you already hung up
and now even in reality, I dare not ring you up ever again
for the fear that i'll be making that call
which you will never respond.

why do I always hurt you?

well, when you're hurt, I feel infinitely more important to you then I can ever be.

oh how perverted the godless..

knowing is not about having an idea... its about having the right idea.

she's not rotten she just needs a good guy
someone wise enough to show her the ways of this life
loving enough to stand against her
patient enough to wait and hear her.

good guy, where are you?
you have to save her, you got to!

no dont.. don't tell the japanese that they can do this themselves!

reason for devastation

the the phone call you'll never answer
the council forever ignored
I'm the voice drowned by the torrent
the pillar you'll never lean on

but still I'll stay here
till its dusty, rusty forgotten
my number's unchanged in the ages to come
so you may find me if you remember

unchanged you'll find me
open arms you'll see
a familiar attitude to greet you
watching over, always be

but I'm the signpost you'll never read
the heater, just flip on the switch!
the confiding stuffed toy stowed away in the box
I would've been
if
you let me.

today? a year ago, trembling.. then burning with madness then raging within then upstart and defiant then broken now humbled.
I still have nightmares you know? sleeping and feeling as though my results were still waiting, an impending doom beckoning me.
then I wake... and at the vulnerable moment confessing once again that magical day. why do I feel so detatched with my results?
this I see, is one purpose of studying. then perhaps I'd think it appropriate, perhaps it'd be comfortable. numbing you mean? indeed, numbing.
is that any better then?
is comfort any better than this sense of unreconciliation? afraid not.
I feel pain and feel alive. I like the feeling of feeling every painful murmur tick by grasping every passing second.
the pain reminds me that I had been wrong. been wrong to forge a complicated mind in bid to preserve my intellect. as I failed and faltered throughout those 2 painful (and yet cheerful) years... from where I am today I see that there is nothing I could have done to change any of that.
1 year ago, it was a complete miracle. the unease was my undeserve warring with my pride. only glad that today I still stand in perpetual awe, not of myself, of God.

I didn't understand that sooner. the whole weight of my results came down on me. it isn't only about how well you scored, but also how you take the reality in. if you did well, praise the Lord. if you don't, praise the Lord! How shall your results affect the way you see God? Why shall one case be easy and the other case trying?

Sort it all out. Do not offer Him lip-service.
indeed, do not stay in school to talk trash nor seek comfort in the words of your friends. if you received your results with trembling hands and an unsound heart today. waste no time, go home to a quiet place and there, comtemplate upon the Lord and.. listen.
no excuses no nothing. Just you and God alone.

"my yolk is easy..."

today? a year ago, trembling.. then burning with madness then raging within then upstart and defiant then broken now humbled.
I still have nightmares you know? sleeping and feeling as though my results were still waiting, an impending doom beckoning me.
then I wake... and at the vulnerable moment confessing once again that magical day. why do I feel so detatched with my results?
this I see, is one purpose of studying. then perhaps I'd think it appropriate, perhaps it'd be comfortable. numbing you mean? indeed, numbing.
is that any better then?
is comfort any better than this sense of unreconciliation? afraid not.
I feel pain and feel alive. I like the feeling of remembering every painful murmur tick by as I grasp every passing second.
the pain reminds me that I had been wrong. been wrong to forge a complicated mind in bid to preserve my intellect. as I failed and faltered throughout those 2 painful (and yet cheerful) years... from where I am today I see that there was nothing I could have done to change any of that.
1 year ago, it was a complete miracle. the unease was my undeserve warring with my pride. only glad that today I still stand in perpetual awe, not of myself, of God.

I didn't understand that sooner. the whole weight of my results came down on me. it isn't only about how well you scored, but also how you take the reality in. if you did well, praise the Lord. if you don't, praise the Lord! How shall your results affect the way you see God? Why shall one case be easy and the other case trying?

Sort it all out. Do not offer Him lip-service.
indeed, do not stay in school to talk trash nor seek comfort in the words of your friends. if you received your results with trembling hands and an unsound heart today. waste no time, go home to a quiet place and there, comtemplate upon the Lord and.. listen.
no excuses no nothing. Just you and God alone.

"my yolk is easy..."

think I haven't been marginalised before?
sure. I am, in my very duty in army.
its painful to be marginalised
excruciating when no one believes.

and i asked myself why you never loved me with a similar passion.
or did you just not have a blog at that point in time.
if you did why didnt you dare say...
have you ever really anyway?

moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, AND enables him to enjoy them... this is the gift of God.

I've been given God, but why hasn't He enabled me to enjoy?