What an adventure

Aside from the lack of sleep and the impossibility of getting any on the flight itself, today was quite a scary and yet blessed day.
Getting into a hired car was perhaps a mistake, though, not as big of a mistake as some may think. I think that the danger really is that they may rip you off, else, as I've learnt today, you have this scenario where the driver's greed overtakes his integrity and he tries to alter the agreement.

So I got dumped on a random road junction today. I was trying to flag for a cab when I finally realised that I'd be better off braving the public transportation and giving it a good shot.
I think I'm Glad that I decided to make my way to the nearest train station in the end. Taking the train was a lot easier... And cheaper than I had expected and so in no time I managed to get to my friend's house (not without first braving the insane squeeze on the trains).

Reaching her house I'm Glad that this meant that I reached only at a time when she was awake and not too early (they had to work today) and that I managed to save quite a bit of money.
The thrill and the scare has also placed me in a better mindset about China. I had initially wanted to just slack off and have a cushy touristy time here.
My adventure in the morning made me more interested to understand the way of life here. I spent more time observing people, observing the systems, taking more time to think about what really happens in Shanghai. I think I saw many sights and sides of it today, and that was something interesting for me.

All in all I thank God for how things turned out. He did not make it difficult for me to see the good in His plans (which involved also, my recklessness). I am thankful for how He has kept me safe and I think I want to respond by making sure that I do stay safe... Else I'd be throwing away this gift of His which really really, jump started my trip in a manner so good and fulfilling I would not ask for any better.

Running well is punching yourself

So I do not run aimlessly; I wdo not box as one xbeating the air. 27 But I discipline my body and ykeep it under control,2 lest after preaching to others zI myself should be disqualified.

27: I pummel my body and make it a slave 

I used to think that the running and boxing in these verses were two separate instances of physical activity analogies of Christian living. It was only yesterday when I think I came to a deeper understanding of what it means. 

It begins in 26: First we see the semi-colons. They tell us that what comes after is an elaboration or something of the same meaning as what is before. This already tells us that the boxing analogy is talking about the same thing as "not run[ning] aimlessly".

Next we see "I do not box as one beating the air". Now beating the air means missing your target, attempting to hit your opponent but missing. 

What is interesting is when we see 27 because it starts with the word "but", meaning that what will be said is the antithesis of what was said, namely, beating the air. So the meaning we get is that disciplining the body is somehow the opposite of beating the air. 

If we ask the question of "who is this opponent that Paul is boxing against?" we quickly realise that it must be referring to the body. And so he is saying that he does not run aimlessly because he hits his body hard and does not miss and brings it under his authority. 

Running well means... beating yourself up real good. Whenever your body protests against the things of God you give it a good smackdown. You pummel it to pulp and make it do God's bidding.

This smacks satisfyingly of radical Christian living. 

I love it. 

Counter-Culture

This was borne out of a conversation with Celine and Andre the other day after a delicious meal at miam miam

On the topic of service, have you not often heard the advice that you should not simply enter service because you see a need you can meet?
There's often this well-intentioned advice that you should also see if this is something you are "called to" or if it's something you can really see yourself doing long term... or even enjoy.

Such advice has helped me a long way in making decisions, but I'm afraid it has also led me to a certain sort of unbiblical attitude. I'm saying that... I may have taken it too far (or we may have taken it too far) and it's cultivating in us something radically opposed to what the bible teaches.

I'm looking at just one verse from the bible, and that is 1 John 3: 17:
But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?

I think the message is clear. If you have 1) what it takes and 2) the realisation of the need, then you ought to help. Otherwise, you know not of God's love. 

And this is precisely it isn't it? An awareness of the need and awareness of your capacity (yeah I know, what do I mean by "your capacity" isn't everything from God? Try giving this a reasonable reading given the context) to meet it obligates you to do it. 

Do note that I have assumed that our talents, abilities, time can be considered "world's goods" okay?

So I think it's high time we cautioned ourselves to be careful with how we want to talk about people who are serving simply because they have identified a need that they realised they can meet. Rather than saying "yo bro I think you're missing this ingredient of desire etc." we should do better to actually encourage them. 

We really want to avoid priming their minds for a sort of rebellion against 1 John 3:17. That somehow we can still exempt ourselves when we see it and have what it takes to meet it. If we think we can't meet it we must be careful to be particularly critical with ourselves... why are we not meeting it? Is there any excess in our lives, any sort of entitlement or the "remainder of our time" that we have? Do we not believe in romans 12:1, the living sacrifice?

I think the reality is that the things of God won't come as particularly palatable and desirable to us and so really we need to incorporate such an understanding into our view of service. It's really fine to begin with little enjoyment. It's even okay to be constantly frustrated. But it isn't if you've ceased to hope for joy. 

Petrified

It's very saddening to notice the difference in reaction.


We had a really long and intense meeting today about the future of youth ministry in church (which incidentally, when taken to its logical conclusion, was about the future of church).
The goal is so far from where we are now... and the steps to take already seeming costly and effortful.

On the way home my friend commented on how exciting it is, for we are at the clasp of change.

My heart on the other hand was just fearful. Honestly, even I am not too sure of why I am afraid.
It could be because I'm currently really busy with deadlines in school and it has had an effect on me.
Maybe it's because I don't love the youths enough, that I'd calculate the cost so unwillingly.

I said this many times before and it still rings true, ministry has never been about the lack of direction. My experience has been that of abundant direction but lacking of heart.

God please anoint my eyes that I may see.
Help me to look beyond myself oh I'm always stuck at the level of self-concern.

A thought came to mind today:

What if... I'm radically self-centred? 

I might have bought the story of peoples' praises that I am indeed a self-sacrificing servant and forgot to examine if it were indeed true. 

The way I've been reacting to things or thinking about some things recently made me wonder... if I'm really in it for myself. 

Now it is not as though I blog to bash myself... and not as though I believe that if I were even the littlest bit self-centred then I am wholly self-centred. 

It's just... it's looking a lot more than I previously imagined. 

I really am the sort of... conceited, entitled person. 

Year after year, I moult and moult. Looking back it sometimes looks like I've successfully left my past behind... and then I see the moulting before the latest... and the one before it... and it seems to stretch infinitely towards the horizon of my beginning... 

Oh God, how does one become someone else? 

May we be permitted to be born again! 

And, indeed we are. 

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy riven side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure,
Save from wrath and make me pure. 

Sorrows

When in sorrow find God.

Sorrow is deceptive when it makes us turn to people. 

The craving for company, the thirst for attention- they have little to do with the sadness. 

Or maybe you can say they have everything to do with it.

That all there is to it is loneliness. Finding company dispels it.

Then sorrow isn't always sorrow. Sometimes it's just a conversational topic. It's a pressing topic, bound to garner attention.

One finds himself desiring to be sorrowful. It gives his life meaning. 

But perhaps he ought to rejoice, as the bible commands.

The thirst for earthly attention now impeding the glorification of God.

And so, what safer thing to do than to seek God? 

Old habits die hard

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/single-you-will-be-the-married-you

chanced upon this today, haven't been reading that often.

If I were to be brief I'd say that the message is about battling sin whenever you can. Don't wait.
And this message is expressed through the topic of marriage where some people, me included, think of the marital relationship as something we need to change us– if only we were in a relationship, if only, we'd have the strength to live for God, we'd have the strength to live holy lives, we would finally come to understand what love really is...

But of course, as I've suspected, this is not the case.
Well, it still is some old habit. Sitting around, dazed in the afternoon.
Thinking that if there were a girl beside me I'd be working harder.

Funny thing is, I've been there and the experience was such that I was more unproductive than when I am single and alone.
And I think that's how I really appreciate the message in that post: who you are when single will remain even when you're attached.
I shudder at that thought. It brings back memories so real.
I know it is true.

So I expect this blog will be seeing more of me in the days ahead, since I will be having words with it more often now, in bid to stay clear from unnecessary conversations.

Oh last thing, it was also mentioned that we should get something straight: we shall live holy lives because we love God, not because it'll make our married lives more blissful.
Love God... You know, sometimes I really wonder if I know what that is.

Psalms 51:1-3

Have mercy on me,[a] O God,

according to your steadfast love;

according to your abundant mercy

blot out my transgressions.

Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,

and cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is ever before me.

Because when I think about it, sometimes I'm really not sorry. 

When I think about it, there are some things I just can't solve by thinking over.

When I think about it, I really don't know how I can change.

A single word, a world of theological difference

Seeing how Aiping reacted to the song lyrics during worship rehearsal last wednesday I wondered if there was any quick and dirty fix to the problem.
I'm not sure how this works out musically, but in terms of meaning it certainly exceeded my expectations.
It now says something really beautiful.

当我们合一敬拜和祷告，神就开始动工在我们当中

vs.

当我们合一敬拜和祷告，神已开始动工在我们当中

Qualities of leadership: restlessness

God’s history of redemption is not finished. The church is shot through with imperfections, lost sheep are still not in the fold, needs of every sort in the world are unmet, sin infects the saints. It is unthinkable that we should be content with things the way they are in a fallen world and an imperfect church.

Therefore, God has been pleased to put a holy restlessness into some of his people, and those people will very likely be the leaders.

So that is why. It is okay for my heart to not be at rest. 

Life together

If we do not give thanks daily for the Christian fellowship in which we have been placed, even where there is no great experience, no discoverable riches, but much weakness, small faith, and difficulty; if on the contrary, we only keep complaining to God that everything is so paltry and petty, so far from what we expected, then we hinder God from letting our fellowship grow according to the measure and riches which are there for us all in Jesus Christ.

This applies in a special way to the complaints often heard from pastors and zealous members about their congregations. A pastor should never complain about his congregation, certainly never to other people, but also not to God. A congregation has not been entrusted to him in order that he should become its accuser before God and men.

. . . let [the pastor or zealous member] nevertheless guard against ever becoming an accuser of the congregation before God. Let him rather accuse himself for his unbelief. Let him pray God for an understanding of his own failure and his particular sin, and pray that he may not wrong his brethren. Let him, in the consciousness of his own guilt, make intercession for his brethren. Let him do what he is committed to do, and thank God.

Life Together, Bonhoeffer, p.29 

Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you

Bind them around your neck 

Write them on the tablet of your heart.

So you will find favour and good success 

In the sight of God and men. 

Proverbs 3:3-4

Perfect our service

It's pastor Raymond's wedding tomorrow and here I am, right after completing some of my readings for next week. My mind was caught up contemplating the process of rehearsals, everything leading up to today.

I suppose I do need to commit this into the hands of God, if anything, I witnessed the glaring flaws in our service. The lack of focus, willingness, intention and the grumpiness here and there.
There are only a few hours left and I know now, more clearly than ever that only God can perfect our service. So I pray, for all who are involved tomorrow, from the kids who will walk the aisle, the youths who will sing, the adults who busy with many other things I pray that they will all be of one mind to bless Raymond.
Not all of us are serving of our own accord but nonetheless there remains time to align our hearts to servitude.
I pray especially for Zheng Yang who is helming the powerpoint and I thank you because you have made him a diligent person, what he lacks in raw talent he often makes up in effort. But the effort of man is futile, undependable, he rightly requested that we should pray for him too and so I do.

Finally, I pray for a good night's rest for everyone. May tomorrow be a day of true joy, happiness and bliss. May all who celebrate do so from the bottom of their hearts. May all who crave love look upon their brother and be satisfied, their joy for him tiding over their self concern, their hope renewed, their eyes turned to you.

And then more, because the wedding is just the beginning. You have not made us all material for husbandry, but just in every other service they shall likewise depend on You.

Job 1

A chilling thought, Satan accuses us before God. What would God say when Satan sieves me before Him?

take heart

Post transgression:

There's a time for remorse and repentance but there's a need to turn to hope and joy in the Lord for
"the joy of the Lord is your strength"
is the strength you need to carry on.

So seek this hope and joy! Seek it! The time for remorse has passed it is now time to soldier on.
Reach out for the strength you need, reach out for joy in the Lord.

To be desired

Psalms 19: 9b-10
the rules of the LORD are true,
and righteous altogether.
More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.

When will one attain such affections for the commandments of God?
If I may desire them as most precious, as sweetest... invigorating to my soul.

Contemplating the joy of salvation

We were discussing this topic on Saturday during choir and I found it to be quite the fruitful discussion.
As always, barely moments after I learn a new thing I find myself being put to the test.

You see, having nothing really structured to do during holidays is a really bad thing.
In the bible we see that idleness is fertile grounds for disobedience.
So after a full day of failure, Saturday's discussion finally came to mind in the night.

I suppose I'm really not well practiced in the contemplation of the joy of salvation.
Namely, I'm not quite glad or impressed with the fact that I am saved.
Not quite excited about the process of sanctification whereby each trial and temptation is my path is an opportunity to choose God and say no.
Not quite tantalised by the prospect of service for which I am saved. Not busying myself to serve better after God has redeemed our license to serve him.

It's in moments like these when... I don't feel like I'm much of a Christian at all.
I'm barely being one, if I can be said to be even trying.

What was it that I said to my friend the other day about a crucial mark of a Christian?
Contrition.
Yes, contrition, feeling sorry about our rebellion and imperfection.
A heart that is broken, quick and willing to repent. That's what it's supposed to be.
When I was speaking to my friend about this I still felt the strongest of convictions that this is true and in some ways I've attained it.

After which perhaps I've been sitting on my laurels.
Oh God help me to desire these things. Make me a man who is eager to face challenges and steely to overcome.

I'm sick of being a small boy.

The Strategy is Love and Thanksgiving

Sometimes I do get myself carried away, thinking, hoping that she's actually warming up to me.
I don't want to fall back into the sort of distrusting (in God) desperation I found myself in at the start of the year.
I don't think it's fair for her to have to live with that sort of vibe from me either.

Moving forward I thought I found new direction, love and thanksgiving.
First, I don't know why it took so long for me to reach here, but I thought she'd really be upset to see me as a friend only to have me on the other end insisting on nothing less than a romantic relationship.
So strangely enough, for her sake I must keep my mind in check. When my imagination wanders I have to arrest it.
While it's good to have good dreams, its frequency must not make me dread reality.

Next, I don't know why it took so long for this either, but I'm starting to realise that I don't thank God enough for friendships.
Isn't it wonderful enough to be friends? In my sober moments, with time to think, I'd say, "yes!"
And so I want to make it a point to give thanks for what I have, at the moment, for itself, without stubbornly looking on, postponing that thanksgiving as though I ought to be certain that there is more in the horizon...
Oh wait, there is more in the horizon, just not necessarily here.

God you know that I'm awake at this moment in the night because I feel that kid in me jumping up and down, over excited, unaddressed.
You also know that I'm thinking of the things I've done in the past.
Why these days I'd think... well... honestly I don't think I'm ready for a relationship.
I know people say that you become ready and you never become ready so being "ready" is a myth. I know, but I don't think I'm pretending to be humble here.

It's just that... this area of my life has gone so long unexamined. I just... feel compelled to kick back a little and look at what I've done in the past.
The irresponsibility, the lies I tell the girls or the lies I tell others to cover myself up.
All the compulsions, the heat of the moment... Words said for perceived felicity...

Oh God have mercy on my tormented soul.
It's really no surprise I don't sleep well every night.
Some nights I'm arrogantly entertaining thoughts of the future, some nights I'm writhing, haunted by accusations from my past.

Do I love her? Why, even that only time will tell. I feel so helpless because even things about my self can be opaque from me.
There's a whirlwind of thoughts in my head but thinking fails me. Perhaps I'm not thinking in the way I should.
Perhaps thinking doesn't answer the question as I hoped it would.

Have I taken these affairs too flippantly? The poignant tone in this post does not represent the average of the sum of my thoughts.
Shall I be dead serious with it though? Will it not crush me?
Why, I recall a talk not too longer ago about the use of humour to avoid confrontation, to delay and postpone, to remain passive.
Well, I surmise that I know nothing and pray God You help me.

The night sky pours forth speech, declaring your wisdom and glory
I too pour forth speech, declaring my ignorance and foolishness.
Oh what privilege that though I am a fool you reply with wisdom.
That though my speech does not enrich your mind you bring me repeatedly to heights I've never known.

And though moving forward I have nothing more than these 2 simple principles...
I gladly push on.

Read to Obey (if not, don't read)

Today's reading touched on the topic of reading. Oh, this is from the book "Spiritual Leadership" by J. Oswald Sanders.
It was about reading.

Not entirely unprecedented for me because I had the inkling that reading up was important for a leader.
But this part was what really cut to the heart...

Why does today's Christian find the reading of great books always beyond him? Certainly intellectual powers do not wane from one generation to another. We are as smart as our father, and any thought they could entertain we can entertain if we are sufficiently interested to make the effort. The major cause of the decline in the quality of current Christian literature is not intellectual but spiritual. To enjoy a great religious book requires a degree of consecration to God and detachment from the world that few modern Christians have. The early Christian Fathers, the Mystics, The Puritans, are not hard to understand, but they inhabit the highlands where the air is crisp and rarefied, and none but the God-enamored can come... One reason why people are unable to understand great Christian classics is that they are trying to understand without any intention of obeying them.

Upon reflection I realised that there is much truth in this.
It's not even about the willingness to obey what we have read, it is about picking up the book to read so that we may obey it. That'd be real "reading with the intention of obeying".

Why, it reminds me of a verse I shared with dom7th the other day, taken from 1 Chronicles 28
Now therefore in the sight of all Israel, the assembly of the Lord, and in the hearing of our God, observe and seek out all the commandments of the Lord your God, that you may possess this good land and leave it for an inheritance to your children after you forever. (ESV)

Notice the call to observe the commandments and also the call to seek them out. A person who seeks out commandments in order to obey them is one who reads with the intention of obeying.

So it begins not with a desire to read, but with a desire to obey. A desire to want more inspired instructions to walk in should drive the leader to seek out and pick up books with advice written by those who have gone before them.

For today I shall meditate on the verse of Romans 12:8
the one who leads, in zeal (ESV)

Have I led in zeal?
What is zealous leadership?

4, not 2 (an argument for planning lessons early)

Been reading the short little book by Edmund Chan entitled "Mentorship Paradigms"

Chapter, or rather paradigm, 9 was about the 4 steps of mentoring. It was really interesting when he pointed out that most people subscribe to a 2 step method.

The 2 step method is
1. Discovering Truth
2. Passing it on

Which sounded eerily like what I do in Bible Study and Sunday School. My duty compels me to examine the text and I discover some truths and then I just pass it on.

Instead, the 4 step method would be to
1. Discover Truth
2. Apply Truth
3. Reap the benefits
4. Pass it on

Essentially you can think of it as spending the time to live out, the truth you have discovered, in your own life, witness its power and benefit from it before you pass it onto others.
Certainly this helps us to avoid the mistake of teaching what we ourselves are not practicing.
But more than that, it helps us to more profoundly understand the things we are teaching.

There was a quote "What I hear, I forget. What I see, I remember. What I do, I understand, When I understand, I change."
If we do not do, we do not understand. When we do and understand, we change and are in a better position to teach- we no longer impart a theory, we impart a way of living.

I think these 4 steps make a really compelling argument to start planning lessons early... If we do not begin early where will we find time to apply the truth and reap its benefits before passing it on?

I am certainly not yet teaching in the best way I can.

Found It!

This song was introduced to me when I was at my friend's church.

Back then I was seriously considering jumping ship.

I don't know why I couldn't find it on google back then but somehow I found it today.



Thinking back, those were silly days. How can I live with the decision of changing churches?

I'll forever be a runner.

Why should I be more passionate about service in another place when I allowed my heart to grow cold and die in the church I was brought up in?

No, I'm here to stay.

If I'd fight I'd fight right now.

don't work in vain

Seek His will, Trust in Him, Acknowledge Him.

若 不 是 耶 和 华 建 造 房 屋 ， 建 造 的 人 就 枉 然 劳 力 ； 若 不 是 耶 和 华 看 守 城 池 ， 看 守 的 人 就 枉 然 警 醒 。

2 你 们 清 晨 早 起 ， 夜 晚 安 歇 ， 吃 劳 碌 得 来 的 饭 ， 本 是 枉 然 ； 惟 有 耶 和 华 所 亲 爱 的 ， 必 叫 他 安 然 睡 觉 。

诗篇127:1-2

Relationship Advice

It is important to compliment her
It is more important to complement her 

He provides

Whenever I find myself not trusting God to meet my needs, I shall remind myself of Genesis 2.

He observed, He analysed, He found the man lacking and needing help and He considered the options and devised a plan.
He caused the man to fall asleep and He prepared the helper while the man was unaware.
The man awoke and behold, before him stood his helper.

Do I underestimate my God? Why do I sit around and worry?
He knows my needs more than I know them. Perhaps He also knows that I don't have a need in that area.
But if how I am now is not good in His eyes then certainly He is already at work.

Nothing honours You more than a whole hearted trust.

Simple things like sleep

What is one thing that keeps me from living a life which is aligned to God's will? Strangely, my attitude towards sleeping habits.

At the spur of the moment when I decide what time to sleep it seems to me to be a very mundane, arbitrary decision.
But what I'm realising more and more is how sleeping late takes a big toll on my health.
I'm also beginning to see how a bad night's sleep affects my ability to perform in the next day. Basically, if I wake up groggy I end up having a bad, unproductive morning which carries into the rest of the day.
And so it turns out that sleeping late results in a wasted day the day after.

Been waking up with sore throats recently... sleeping late at Jeff's birthday chalet today.
Perhaps I should cease such folly.

What an illustration!

"This is hard for us to comprehend, because we have to sleep every day just to cope, not to mention thrive. We go up and down in our enjoyments. We get bored and discouraged one day and feel hopeful and excited another.

We are like little geysers that gurgle and sputter and pop erratically. But God is like a great Niagara — you look at it and think: surely this can’t keep going at this force for year after year after year.

That’s the way God is about doing us good. He never grows weary of it. It never gets boring to him."

From this morning's devotions.

I felt that I can really appreciate the description of the waterfall after seeing the 3rd (or was it 2nd) biggest waterfall in the world during my trip in China. Waterfalls are just incredible, I remembered watching, marvelling and wondering at the sheer volume of water, at the fact that a larger river lies beyond and then even beyond that, the sheer size of the watershed boundary necessary to sustain the water flow.

At such a volume of flow you'd really expect the waterfall to empty out its source but that didn't happen. It just went on, and on, and on, and the occasional gust picked up the misty droplets to bring us a faint, but safe, taste of it.

To describe God as a mighty waterfall... The choice of parallel also covers a particular aspect of how we relate to God: we just simply underestimate Him.
In certain episodes of awe I am sometimes provoke to distrust rather than promoted to greater heights of faith because I think to myself
"wow... this is incredible, I'm sure I'll have to wait a pretty long while before God does something so magnificent again"

My heart is unwilling, fearful even, to believe that God will put his omnipotence into caring for us day after day after day.
But that's how He is.

What I lack

True manhood is man's response to God's calling for men to gladly assume sacrificial responsibility.

God's gift

Sometimes I think... God actually made a mistake.
He gave a good brain to a big idiot.

oh man sentence processing is totally kicking my brain's ass.

change my mind

2 days ago I decided on something else... something my friend asked me to do since the start of the year. 

She said that I should take care to not let my mind and my imagination run wild. 

I can't believe that it took me so long to appreciate what she was telling me, the whole time I was agreeing but never really saw the value of it. 

At least, not the full value of it. 

Now I'm taking pains, arresting every imagination of a future with her. 

Those I suppose, do not currently belong. 

You know, I've always admired this person.

What has made it unbearable recently was really the mismatch between what is imagined..

and what is real. 

But on top of this I also want to arrest the worry which springs to mind.. the worry that one day it'll just be someone else. 

I'm a fool. Do I even know what I'm thinking? 

God help me to meditate on Your fatherhood. 

Help me to consider the sort of parenting You're into. 

All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Recant

I recant the previous 2 posts.

I fell asleep after listening to a song

All things work for our good Though sometimes we don't See how they could Struggles that break our hearts in two Sometimes blind us to the truth Our Father knows what's best for us His ways are not our own So when your pathway grows dim And you just don't see him, Remember your never alone Chorus: God is too wise to be mistaken God is too good to be unkind So when you don't understand When don't see his plan When you can't trace his hand Trust His Heart He sees the master plan He holds the future in his hand, So don't live as those who have no hope, ALL our hope is found in him. We see the present clearly He sees the first and last And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me, To someday be just like him (Chorus) He alone is faithful and true He alone knows what is best for you (Chorus) When you can't trace his hand When you don't see his plan When you don't understand Trust His Heart



I wake up feeling... well, okay.
Okay because I'm buying the appeal made in the song.

Trust His heart.

My God is too loving to do me wrong
Though too wise, and me too much of an imbecile, for me to always know what He's up to.
Don't let me tell you otherwise

sleepless

I think it would still be fine if I were awake because I'm thinking about young adult ministry.

But not quite. After a choppy sub-standard sleep I found myself largely awake at 3am and well, it's been an hour or so, feeling tired but not quite able to drift into sleep.

God you know sometimes I'm just like that, a kid. Immature, surprised by the prospect that someday she will find someone and it (as things seem right now), won't be me.
What's worse is I won't necessarily be wowed by this person.
Maybe I'll draw comparisons.
Maybe I'll get worked up.

These thoughts make me really unhappy, unhappy because I seem to have already begun wronging her.
I feel not much older than the little jealous boy I was not too many years ago.

What's behind this? A reckless sense of entitlement? But why? Where did it come from?
Should I be awake wrestling with this? With just one day left until my 2nd paper I feel like I need the sleep too.
I need it so desperately to function during my examinations.

A faint refrain plays in my mind
Change my heart O God, make it ever true
Change my heart O God, may I be like You

How does it happen?
How do you change our hearts and minds?
How do we grow?

Can it be true that you can really put it all in their proper places?
I can't!
I really can't I've been trying you know I have!

Fit for ministry

After attending today's workshop, what can I say?

I'll say I feel horribly inadequate.
I'll say... I feel quite down.
I'll say I feel quite upset, with the flippant way I've lived my life.

God what can I say?

I'll say have mercy on me.
I'll say, provide for your ministry.
I'll say, help me.
I'll say, guide me.

I'll say I'm sorry.

For how I've been... working the bare minimum, for how I'll always be chasing after the butterflies in my life.

If I wake up tomorrow and life continues to be the same, let me drop dead and live no more.

empty empty

Sometimes I just feel this pang of emptiness when I study
A deep conviction that life is meant to be more than this
I then take sometime for careful examination
And find the conviction as empty as the life it claims to be

It feels empty because I don't want the things I have
and want the things I do not have
It's empty because I simply say it is.

Do I not see it? That it is self-inflicted?
Oh God lift this whiny, defeated soul and make a man of it.

Taking Stock

So,
3 exams
Mother's Day video
SSUE stuff
Qingtuan new groupings
Planning the combined gathering with Telok Ayer

God help me to be diligent in my life.
Even with all of these, let me remain unfazed.
The time you give me is always far more than enough.

highly controversial

This week I was sitting around with my friend before class and just talking about life...
and girls.

And she said something really controversial and stimulating because it was an honestly fresh perspective (be it that it is really fresh or I just have a pretty good talent at forgetting).

She said that from the way she sees it, I am actually someone who wants to remain single, who doesn't want to get into a relationship.
For her, that's the explanation for why I have a nearly fairy-tale like imagination and often appear to be waiting for the perfect girl.

She thinks that... I'm not actually after a perfect girl, but only a perfect girl would make me want to get into a relationship.

I felt shudders in my chest, as though, pangs of guilt.

I don't know how much my friend actually got right, but when I think about it myself, there's some truth to what she is saying.
At least, I can see that if it weren't because time clearly isn't on my side, I may not be desiring so desperately to be ready.

Now I think that... I just got to admit that I am not. And that... if it turns out that it becomes too late..

Please help me to trust You more. This is but another day in life whereas Your glory I will not give to another.

From a friend:

“I may not be the man I want to be; I may not be the man I ought to be; I may not be the man I could be; I may not be the man I truly can be; but praise God, I’m not the man I once was” – Martin Luther King Jr.

People have been telling me recently that I've changed.
I feel that I have, but I can change so much much more.

This shameful feeling that I could have done more in the time I was given,

coupled with the necessity to give thanks for what God has already changed in me...

It's really an awkward situation.

What can I say? I shall say nothing.

"Alone, but in profound company?"

Life will be so much more God honouring if I can say and mean it. 

Starbucks, Metropolis, 2200h

universal

Today's sermon spoke a lot to me, possibly more so because I was sitting beside her.

It spoke of how we are willing to share everything with the people we love. Our time, our money, our effort. The problem, the speaker said, is not that we are incapable of it, but that we are selective with it.

This was what I feared wasn't it? That I may find that my heart is actually incredibly small.
That even the things I do for others, I do for her to see.
Not that I know that which is which with certainty, or if it were even possible to know.
It's like a good friend once told me, we simply struggle with mixed motivations, a struggle to the grave.

It's times like these that I'm reminded once again, the way things are now is for the better.
It's safe haven for me to learn and grow, even if I don't get what I currently want.

Hebrews 12:20-22

20 但 愿 赐 平 安 的 神 ， 就 是 那 凭 永 约 之 血 、 使 群 羊 的 大 牧 人 ─ 我 主 耶 稣 从 死 里 复 活 的 神 ，21 在 各 样 善 事 上 成 全 你 们 ， 叫 你 们 遵 行 他 的 旨 意 ； 又 藉 着 耶 稣 基 督 在 你 们 心 里 行 他 所 喜 悦 的 事 。 愿 荣 耀 归 给 他 ， 直 到 永 永 远 远 。 阿 们 ！22 弟 兄 们 ， 我 略 略 写 信 给 你 们 ， 望 你 们 听 我 劝 勉 的 话 。

He is equipping us for to serve Him. So that we may be useful instruments in His hands.

May this be the only theme of our lives. 

good gift

I used to think that my JC friend was really clever when he gave his girlfriend this watch she really liked. 

I still remember telling him that it's such a brilliant idea. Every time she checks the time (which a normal person does very frequently), she'd think of him. 

Well, I had the privilege recently to swap the aging hard disk drive in her laptop for a new one. 

Now every time she uses it and is once again astonished with the new speed, will she think of me? 

It was a privilege and of immense pleasure to be at her service. 

I'm wary, fearful that I've turned a blessing into a curse. 

Things are good when we do not over celebrate it. 

Unfortunately, even a watch fades into the background someday,

What more the humble hard drive chugging away in an aged machine. 

My soul tells my heart: just let it fade, let it be just another chapter in your mundane life. 

Then maybe it'll remain a good thing, 

worth over celebration. 

although I am but a little child. I do not know how to go out or come in. 8 And your servant is in the midst of your people whom you have chosen, a great people, too many to be numbered or counted for multitude. 9 Give your servant therefore an understanding mind to govern your people, that I may discern between good and evil, for who is able to govern this your great people?” (ESV)
1 kings 3:7-9

This is also my prayer. Give me the discerning mind I need to lead the fellowship for I cannot govern these people.

May my request please God as Solomon's did. May it also please Him to grant my request.
May we live forever in your favour!

Good Friday

This is our God, the servant king
He calls us now to follow Him
To bring our lives as a daily offering
of worship to the servant king

What will I stubbornly withhold from You?
What else will I never give up?
You must take it all.

no qualms

He takes away, He did not give
Nonetheless my soul's in peace

a fool

"Now therefore stand still and see this great thing that the Lord will do before your eyes. Is it not wheat harvest today? I will call upon the Lord, that he may send thunder and rain. And you shall know and see that your wickedness is great, which you have done in the sight of the Lord, in asking for yourselves a king.” So Samuel called upon the Lord, and the Lord sent thunder and rain that day, and all the people greatly feared the Lord and Samuel.
 And all the people said to Samuel, “Pray for your servants to the Lord your God, that we may not die, for we have added to all our sins this evil, to ask for ourselves a king.” And Samuel said to the people, “Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. For the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name's sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself. Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to pray for you, and I will instruct you in the good and the right way. Only fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart. For consider what great things he has done for you. But if you still do wickedly, you shall be swept away, both you and your king"
(1 Samuel 12:16-25)

I remember this verse from bible study nearly 3 years ago.
What caught my eye today was Samuel saying "do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the lord with all your heart."
So the first thing Samuel tells us is that the only appropriate reaction to our unfaithfulness is to strive towards faithfulness. The only reaction we have towards failure is to rise and try to follow God again.

Next he says "for the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name's sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for Himself"
This is the basis for our impudent "I have sinned but I now shall follow the Lord." We dare follow only because we know what he desires– to make us a people for Himself.

Finally, "moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to pray for you, and I will instruct you in the good and right way." This part gives me an idea of how I ought to react to the transgressions of others.
I think I find myself often provoked to anger... and in being so, forgetting to pray, forgetting to instruct, simply standing aside, folding my arms and scowling.
Far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by refusing to pray and refusing to consider how and instruct them in the right way.

Chapter 10:9
When he turned his back to leave Samuel, God gave him another heart. 

In the same manner, change my heart too.

endo and exonormative standards

A quick one on the definitions.

Endo- means inside or within, exo- means the opposite of endo-.

In linguistics literature we gleam this enthusiasm and optimism about the so-called endonormative standards. It is also associated with being participative and "natural".

For instance, Widdowson (1994) wrote that "the essential point is that a standard English, like other varieties of language, develops endo-normatively, by a continuing process of self-regulation, as appropriate to different conditions of use" (pp. 386).

Just take a short while to appreciate what endonormativity is. It is the development of a standard from within, through a process of self-regulation.
Now, take also a short while to imagine it, the process of self-regulation.

Self-regulation is pretty much the antonym of exonormativity. Exonomativity is about the application of an external standard, self-regulation on the other hand, has no particular perpetrator, no power relations (?). After all, when you self-regulate you are the person doing things to yourself. It is therefore a standard which is fair, participative and naturally arising... if only it were possible to be perfectly self-regulating.

The way I imagine it, endonormativity is not quite like that. In the end, some people set the trend and the rest follow. The internet is one place where you see this. Many people know how to speak the so-called new languages such as the "doge" or "lolcat" but do they all contribute to its formation? It is more like a few influential users and a whole crowd of followers. The norm is not as participative as we imagine it to be.

Perhaps, you can even say that it is in some sense, Exonormative. After all, the setters of the standards are distinct from their followers. Their followers are not part of the self-regulation of the standard (although this is certainly debatable), and so indeed, receive it from beyond themselves.

Finally the notion of "natural" is really suspicious. How is one human action (imposition of exonormative standards) any less "natural" than another (a self-regulating norm). If language is the product of the human mind then certainly we should not be talking about norms as being "imposed" upon it as though it were existing independently from the mind and thus allowing human minds to act upon it as intruders?
Why, the imposition of norms is the very creation of language itself.

For now I really don't buy it. I don't buy the associations of participation and naturalness.

Future Vindication

Is it controversial to think oneself as frequently misunderstood?

Is it less controversial if there exists other people who affirm the view?

Sometimes I feel like people don't suppose I can have genuine feelings or views.
Sometimes I think their frowns are telling me they do not approve, that they think I am artificial, pretending, once again trying to be extra. That I am skeptical, that I think that makes me look clever.

Someday I'll be vindicated. Someday they shall see me for who I really am.
On that day I pray I find myself to be who I've always imagined myself to be.

Adoration Overkill.

When my friends tell me that they're really sad about Lee Kuan Yew's passing, the first thought crossing my mind has been "really meh?"
Of course this skepticism has its roots in the fact that I don't particularly feel a sense of loss. I don't, and I am not ashamed because I feel that this is not arising from any misgivings:
1. I think and affirm the fact that Singapore is a successful state, one unlike any other.
2. I affirm that LKY is a remarkable gentleman who conceived of visions many didn't even dare to picture.
3. Despite his flaws, in aggregate he is still a pretty amazing individual who has existed.
4. I do not doubt his passion and true concern and love for my country.

However, on the other hand, I barely know the man. Try as I may to provoke any emotion in myself, I cannot. And perhaps this is proper, since I can only genuinely react to his passing as far as my knowledge of him permits me. I know the facts about him but I can scarcely be said to know him as a person at all. My emotional response to him, therefore, is on par with what can be expected of me.

On the other hand, what can be said of the rest of the people? I'm certain that many of them don't actually love the man. They just think that it is proper to make a spectacle of it. They think that it is proper to mourn and wail about him. Have they wondered if they are in the position to do so? This is where it is an eyesore for me.
These people... they talk as if they've known the man intimately. They talk as though they have been consistently and coherently admiring the man. But who really has?

Is there anyone else getting tired of how the articles published are beginning to make a myth of the man? They're talking about how he is perfect in every way. It began with being an outstanding politician... and then he's a good husband, a good father, a generally good man who inspires all around him, he's the carefree guy who chats with uncles in the GRC and hand-holds them on how to start grassroots committees... He's just outstanding in every way, we've never seen a man like him.

To me, these are insults. I believe that my indignation arises from noticing that these mythical processes are actually a disservice to his legacy. It is as though who he really is isn't sufficient or worthy of respect and admiration, one must find many other tangential claims to indulge themselves further...

Cognisant of how the entirety of Facebook has gone all the way to wallowing in his passing, I cannot even post this there. I just hope that people will slow down and think about it... to consider if they have valid reasons to be upset so they don't just stagger after the crowd, intoxicated by this synthetic sadness, and instead, actually give LKY some real respect he deserves.

Not so well

You know the thing about having a blog... is how it tells you that you're quite fickle.
Because everything is recorded, my former thoughts are ever accusing my latter.

I think the sensation of optimism has largely waned and perhaps, as some would say, it is finally sinking in. This was a big problem for me the past few days, but I wasn't left to face it alone.

When the going gets tough, tough get going. I see that this is true now in another sense. Tough going makes the priorities in life so much clearer. It also shows me the areas in which I am lacking. Somehow God's word speaks out louder than ever as well, with random Facebook posts and sharings pointing and re-pointing me to God.

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/five-pieces-of-advice-for-young-men

Check this out. I hope it'll help you as it did for me.

Have a plan for maturity. I don't know if I've ever thought of pursuing maturity for itself. As far as I can remember, maturity was an instrument to reach what immaturity cannot reach for me. It was also a reaction to the growing responsibilities in life. Do I think of it as a good thing? I probably only thought of it as necessary.
I suppose the challenges in life are meant for the shaping of our character... but perhaps the test of a true man is that he is always pursuing growth, not waiting for his environment to require it of him. After all, if perfection is what we are chasing, there's no time to sit and wait for circumstances.

Investing in your friends. Well, I have no male friends I can look up to. At least, none of them particularly inspires me (or maybe I'm too arrogant to see why I should be inspired). The ones who may... well they're really too busy for any of this business. I think I need to take this seriously. There are many things I keep to myself because I do not know of anyone I can share them with... and perhaps they are things which are inappropriate to share with girls. Well this is certainly an area of lack in my life... it's time to stop joking about it, in a certain conceited manner because haha I have so many female friends, and actually get down to finding some.

I'm not so well... and then again, I am well.
This is what it means to be safe in the hands of God I suppose.

Difference

While we busied ourselves with our work and other preoccupations (included this in to include myself), there's this group of people who busied living lives greater then their own. 

I heard they're from the EL majors' prayer group. I thank God for them and I pray that God commemorates the choice they have made with their time. 

hope

Uncertain hope is not hopeful at all. It is incredibly unsettling. 

Certain hope is where encouragement is. 

Help me to consider the certainty of your promises. 

Let my heart not despair over and over again. 

Hebrews 6:18

God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged.

Oh God please save me

She said "no"

and so.. she said "no".
This is probably my first time experiencing a solid "no" in my life.
But she didn't ask me to stop liking her. Neither did she ask me to give up hope.
She said "just let nature take its course" and that now at least we can speak naturally.

I don't know if any of those build up hope and set me up for disappointment, but talking to her over this and seeing how well she handled it, not without imperfection, man!
She now appears lovelier than ever.

If I've never truly liked her, now I do.
And yet... I'm beginning to be able to enjoy her company as a friend.
The "no" didn't affect me in a way I thought it would.

actually a little bit sick of school and schoolwork

limit

I'll know a lot more on Thursday than I know today.
I'm not certain what the suspense is supposed to serve, but I suppose I can trust in my cousin's judgment.
Today, more than ever, I feel at peace, at peace with getting whatever the answer may be. Yes, no, maybe... it doesn't matter that much anymore. I'm not going to be too upset about it, too hopeless after it, too anxious about it.

I'm eager to know, but I'm just eager and that's all (I hope).

In my mind, in my heart now, I feel a sense of shame.
Shame for making such a big deal of it. There are limits to what we can feel.
As in, there are feelings that we are not justified to have.

When I sit down and think about it, it's not like we were ever really close.
It's not like we have many shared memories, it's not like I was ever there when she was in need, it's not like she had any big part in my life either.
In this way, there isn't much of a pity, not much space for a sense of waste and loss.
Do I even know this person? Can I even truly admire her? What do I even know of her?

These realizations are putting me in my place.
I am not in the position for big reactions. Big reactions seem... unjustified, unreasonable, unconsidered. They shall have no place in me.
I should let this simmer. I should think it over.
Though I can't say I won't be sad.

on the other hand, with You, I can certainly do better.
With You, I can certainly afford greater sorrow and remorse.
With You I have spent a lifetime, with You I've walked every moment of my life.
You were there when I was alone and you will be where no one can go.
You will find me even when I hide myself away, Your eyes are never fooled, Your thoughts about me, truer than the thoughts I have of myself.

For You there are no limits. There's no limit to what I should feel towards You.
So I beg You, teach me remorse, teach me sorrow.
I beg You, fill me with joy, satisfy me with pleasures.
May I find everyday worth living, may the gladness of my heart match the smile on my face.
May I be convinced, zealous, unrelenting.
Disciplined, in self control, awake, sober.

I have no goodness besides You.
So come, come still my heart and steel my mind.
Be my righteousness.

Leader

I am attending a conference about disciple-making now and this is what I wrote on my booklet:

It is a very sad day for the church when the man they nominated for leadership is discovered to be very much after other things.
Things other than the making of disciples.

Well, I am that man I speak of.
I still hear the Lord calling to me, He is asking me to surrender everything.
Will you join me in surrender?

Thoughts about youth fellowship

I think, next year we should just make the committee really huge.
Like, we should have at least 3 group leaders per group.

Why?
I think pairings are really scary because in the event your partner is domineering, no one will be able to help you. But if it's 3 then at least you can talk to the other one and work together to keep the first in check. This seems to be a big oversight. Pairings assume a level of self-reflexivity and maturity which I perhaps cannot assume. And seriously, this year, the leaders better come from their own groups.
tsk.

Analogy

I thank God for something in life, analogies and approximations.
By glimpsing the similarity between 2 different things we are able to transfer lessons learnt about one onto the other. It opens the door when there seems to be no way.

There is an analogy for you in my life, you know. In fact, the analogy is imperfect only because she is a better fit. I've never met anyone who understands me so well, who shares many experiences with me as well, things I really thought I faced alone before I met her.

Yet for 2 years and counting, I've been able to keep her as a friend. A most treasured company.
It tells me, by analogy, that the same can be done for you. Even as I desire you, this analogy assures me that I can be a friend to you, proper.

Who knows what the future holds? What matters is we live the present as perfectly as we can afford to. I try again now, with renewed hope.
I let go and let God permit me to know you if He wills.
I pray He will.

Dust and Sin

I was cleaning the house with my mum when she said that there is simply no corner dust cannot reach.
That sparked a few thoughts. I rushed what remained to be cleaned and got straight to typing before I forget.

Well, like dust, there is virtually no corner in my life where I cannot find sin residing. That is its first property I suppose, absolute infiltration. I've learnt over the years to not quite describe it that way though, not to take sin as a substance in and of itself, but a corruption. So perhaps it's not really an infiltration... and this is how sin and dust differs: there are actually places where dust cannot reach, sin seems to enjoy no such boundaries. Or is it?
The song, Near to the Heart of God suggests that there is a place where sin cannot molest.

Like dust, sin really accumulates quickly when we are not looking. Like dust, it is a battle to be fought perpetually.

Like dust, sin can be pretty unnoticeable. I can remember times in army when my nose starts getting sensitive when the bunk seemed pretty clean to me. It was only upon closer inspection when I saw the little streams of dust clinging to the walls near the ceiling... turning around only to see that there was also dust right at the headposts of my bed. It really takes some effort to see it, same goes for the unnoticed sins in our lives.

Finally, like dust, sin is really in our nature. Much of dust is composed of dead skin. We are the generators of dust. One reason why there is dust everywhere in our house is because we reside in it. It's kind of like how with fallen humans there is always sin. It just comes together.

It has been a pretty profitable time of spring cleaning. Thinking of dust and myself.

seeking God's will

Whilst preparing for a lesson on prayer (for tomorrow actually), I was pondering about "seeking God's will".

It occurred to me that we probably do. Many of us probably do ask God in prayer to show us His will.
What occurred to me also, is that I do it with a wrong motive.
For me, if I were to think about it, I often ask Him to show me His will because I'm desperate to know if I will find it aligned to mine.

I want to find that it is, that what I want, is what He wants.

Still sounds pretty acceptable doesn't it? Certainly it's okay to want to know if your will is aligned to God's will? Wouldn't it be a big cause for celebration if a Christian discovered that his mind has been so transformed that he thinks the thoughts of God? Let me try to accentuate the negative aspects of what I am really saying.

I mean to say that I hope it so happens to be the same as God's will so that ultimately, I will get what I want. It's a slight difference which makes a world of difference.

It's about my will be done,
not His will be done.


How do we know if we were really seeking God's will? I suppose we'll only know when His will is revealed. We can watch our reactions at that fine moment. When His will is not what we imagined it to be, what will our reaction be?
If you were seeking His will you'd be overwhelmed with joy at the simple fact that His will was revealed.
If you weren't then certainly you'll be displaying your preference.

Is it the case that we seek God's will only to know if it is aligned to ours?

Hot Pursuit

On the topic of Valentine's day, let me share a few verses from the book of Hosea.
These verses depict the way God courts Israel, the Harlot. Of how gently He brings her back, with what actions He wins over her heart.

Hosea 2:14-23

14 “Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
    and bring her into the wilderness,
    and speak tenderly to her.
15 And there I will give her her vineyards
    and make the Valley of Achor[e] a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
    as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.

16 “And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ 17 For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. 18 And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish[f] the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. 19 And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. 20 I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.

21 “And in that day I will answer, declares the Lord,
    I will answer the heavens,
    and they shall answer the earth,
22 and the earth shall answer the grain, the wine, and the oil,
    and they shall answer Jezreel,[g]
23     and I will sow her for myself in the land.
And I will have mercy on No Mercy,[h]
    and I will say to Not My People,[i] ‘You are my people’;
    and he shall say, ‘You are my God.’”

How can you read this and not cry? How God moves powerfully to win our hearts. He exercises His sovereignty in our favour. He betroths us to Him when our hearts are too dull to make the good choice. How He takes us from the disastrous consequences of our rebellion and restores our peace. 

Cheers to you O God. May all men aspire to your perfections. 

Counting's the cure

Count your blessings name them one by one
Count your blessings see what God has done
Count your blessings name them one by one
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done

Count your blessings till you come undone
Count your blessings see she's just not one
Count your blessings name them one by one
Persevere until your heart by God is won

Fears

Not super duper free now but I thought it'd pay off to just spend sometime to write about a big fear of mine...
It is that I cannot find a successor to heading youth fellowship.

Is it a legitimate worry? I suppose. I think leading the youth fellowship for a year and counting really helped me to understand its complexity.
This year is a new challenge because the leaders are more busy... and less independent I suppose.

It's also a new challenge because I haven't been careful to watch my heart. I may have let too many things into it and now its feeling small again. Small, petty, short fused.

Not to be arrogant, but I'm also know that I'm equipped with quite the set of skills and know hows. In a way, you can say, I was made for this sort of leadership.
Yet, in a way, I'm not. I'm not yet compelled to develop myself in the area of delegation, often preferring to just settle things on my own.
I'm not as prayerful as I ought to be... God knows I still live my life flippantly.

Is there someone else like me? I don't think so.
But slowly I wonder if this is the crux. I'm looking for a clone... and maybe that's the last thing I ought to do. It occurred to me that I may be too narrow minded with this, thinking that it really boils down to finding someone as capable, or excelling beyond me. No, maybe that's not what God wants.

And then aside from these innocent fears is this realisation that I might be part of what I'd like to call, the normative effect. It's been the norm to serve for 1-2 years, a shocker to serve for 3, a literal martyr to do 4. I'm kidding, but it's roughly like that.

So... what's with the anxiety man? Is it even rational? Maybe it is not God's will that I should be following the norm? It'd be my grave mistake to think that I should be somehow "entitled" to a 2 year tenure and so force a successor to appear.

No no no. I don't like the thought of it. Partly because heading youth fellowship can sometimes be a very lonely affair, certainly no walk in the garden or a piece of cake.
But on the other hand, if I were brutally honest with myself, as I'd like to think that I am with others, this is a very serious possibility... and the only appropriate way to respond... is with equal seriousness.

God you know what my heart is like. How I wish to just drop this area by this year and return to a different life. You know how it's like.
So change me,
even if you meant for a succession to happen.

A song for 21st

It's 2359 with seconds to spare
Will they remember, will they care?
Oh my whatsapp's starting to go lag!

For days I've waited for this day
Be deemed as an adult, have my way
Finally, my 21st birthday!

there'll be lots of gifts and party
It will be totally great
Wow am I so ready for this day

Cauz for the first time in forever
There'll be magic there'll be fun
For the first time in forever
I'm legitly 21

And I don't know if I'm elated or weary
I have waited for this day
Will its promises deliver?
Oh God come what may

Cigarette smokes and alcohol
I don't even do those, not at all
18 did not add to what's before

For years I've craved for freedom's call
To stride on out look back to more
Finally I will be standing tall (not quite!)

But to those who more is given
More's the due return
Am I really ready for this change?

Cauz for the first time in forever
I can watch R21
For the first time in forever
I can vote for Khaw Boon Wan

Don't care if I'm exhausted or weary
To have waited for this day
Will its promises deliver?
O Lord have your way

Happy Birthday dear sister.