Media Night cycling expedition

Jacon, Sarah, Me and some extra.

STORY PENDING.

PJC pe shirt

(blogger ate my first attempt)

When i was packing my bag for camp earlier in the morning, i found my PJC pe shirt.
Brings back memories, its been months since i last donned the shirt.

It was like this...

A hot afternoon (like which one in singapore isn't?), it was x-country day in PJC. I was still a freshman then, together with everyone else from the JAE admission. Its been exactly 8 days spent in PJ.

Walking and recounting past achievements in fairfield x-country, a smile of confidence broke on my face.
THere they are, my OG members, all crowded at a table. Oh look, they're fascinated with something i cannot remember. As a approached them, this guy called alex turned and as me a question out of the blue.
" EH! what's that? Sports bra?"

"how would i kn...." i almost replied instantly, stopping only to realise that he was talking abt the black sleeveless tee i wore inside. I got a little angry. Like as if he wouldnt know that guys dont wear sports bra, no matter how muscular they made their chests- and mine arent even muscular at all.

Okay whatever, the story continues with me going into the toilet to remove the inner shirt, run and miss a position by 1.

Sleeveless tee, otherwise known as singlets were worn by me, and still are, to help me escape the projection of my image as someone being skinny. Of course, there are also reasons such as how my head is naturally big and being skinny just makes me look awfully retarded.

As i recount, i realise that i wore it for more self confidence. most evident when i wore it, after many months, during my Oral Presentation exams. Sure, i lack self confidence. But now when anyone guesses that im wearing an extra shirt inside, i'd admit, unlike in the past.
Perhaps i'm just starting to own up to my own inadequaties.

OBS hard feelings. (reflection in passport)

Day1: Being in this unfamiliar setting is totally agonizing. This always happens. I get coupled into groups without friends and I cannot enjoy myself at all. Sure, OBS isn’t a holiday, but it cannot teach me anything as a torture chamber.
As I swallow and continue to work with people I literally despise, I feel as if I’m losing my humanity, as if there isn’t a reason to smile anymore. I see their selfish- self righteousness, I hear the tone of half-heartedness. I don’t know what to say to a group of people who won’t listen, I know I’ll be happier and will learn better if PJC did not abandon/condemn me into yet another “lousy group” situation.
I ain’t that capable, why test me like this?This has been regrets.

Day 3: This is finally what I call OBS. Kayaking took a huge toll on me. Severely sun burnt, got a suspicious bruise on my back, I am battered but well, still alive. There were moments of boredom, moments of anger and moments of adrenalin. Lost myself that night, got pretty vulgar and pissed off. Night time, there was another epic dissension. Again, I see how nasty people got, declaring openly who they did not want to partner.
I was sad, and yet I couldn’t talk to (name) who was in the other group. Reflecting from that, I realize the implications of not having the right reasons to attend OBS. Despite the fun and excitement during the deadly storms, I’m still down and out; I really don’t understand why I’d end up in a different group as them. I really wanted to be in her group.
That to me was all that matters. Everyday’s another thunderstorm, working with people who can actually lack self-respect.
Wearing a smile is starting to hurt.

Day 4: The tents
4th day started out pretty melodramatically. When we finally reached camp 1on the kayaks, I was overjoyed. Only... (Name) didn’t look that happy. She felt she did a bad job and was very apologetic.
When we reached camp2, my impression of my situation changed. Thank God for the setting up of tentage. It brought me closer to my group mates especially Elton and mark. I realized that unknowingly, I’ve grown to accept them and they’ve opened up to me. Setting up tents is no longer a chore but something we have come to enjoy.
Then this is where I feel myself drifting away from her. It feels terrible and I’m just impossibly jealous. But then again, this is her life, and learning to be independent from her is my true OBS challenge, and also the only lesson I’ll be taking away, hopefully.
Thus, this reflection is done in (colour) in remembrance of (name).


Looking back, OBS really took me out of my comfort zone.
Sometimes just reflecting on the agony of the first day freaks me out.
There's still a pain there somewhere.

dependence.

dependence-> deliverance.

I'm a pretty unhappy person these few days. But hey, somehow the way things happened,
the way things turned up... seem like a painful journey of delightful deliverance.

Its been.. 2days? And today will be the 3rd. A week ago and I'd die not messaging her.
Then it struck me, one of those many nights i spent praying for the same thin
"Lord remove this dependence"

And well, I think i'm well in the midst of a beautiful exodus.
Who knows, when things accelerate, i can give christmas presents without intents or guilt.
And when OGL camp comes, it'll just be a good, refreshing new start for everyone.
Damn, im excited.

just contemplating whether i should go running today, like now.

small world

I'm just a pea in this really small world
This really small world called singapore.

Its a nice romantic world where everyone enjoys the rain together.
Where the sun sets at the same time where the same moon is enjoyed.

The world is so small yet the sky is so broad.
The sky that i see, do you see it too?
As i sit on this lonely shore, watching my wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
Where are you? Were you here before?

Somewhere on the other side of this puny island, we're all having mixed reactions.

aftermath

damaged and still couting. Im just glad i didnt fall ill from OBS.

Some wounds still bleed occasionally, pus still coming out from those @#$% sandfly bites.
Oh, my skin started to peel from my face on saturday, think it stopped peeling already. Skin is starting to peel from my hands (show you guys the skin that peels off in sheets some other time.)

Been eating nonstop and im still 54kg! okay, maybe 55.
Biscuits, cornflakes, milo powder, burger king, marshmallows.

OHman, just really nonstop.
Oh look, im hungry now.

been prone to headaches, got rashes threatening to break out (i hate rashes) They're a vicious cycle.

Been toileting at least twice everyday, makes me wonder what i ate so badly in OBS.

life has been wake up, read engadget and gizmodo, play some dota, talk to my mum and then being alone.
Some kinda life. SOMEONE DATE ME QUICKLY!!! ANYONE!

just decided to not go for OBS watch outing on friday, nope, not surprising, not at all.
Wondering how my friends are doing, and then .. maybe im just lazy to ask.

Sigh what are you doing with your time tuckyan? You fool.

guess

How are you feeling on the otherside of the world?
I went to sleep shortly after messaging you last night.
You know, i think i must be crazy, and that was so petty, so so petty of me.

But this is reality. I simply dry up without your acknowledgement.
But yet I know i could've done better.

sometimes when i asked you if you'd remember me, i'm happy to hear you say you'd.
But that's where I'm torn.
Because i know that someday in my life I'd have to walk out of this
I have to walk out on you. So next year's the last.. (or maybe.. this year is)

well the next time i'm going to see you might just well be OGL camp.
And i beg you, don't back out from it
I'll see you then, after when i've dealt accordingly to myself.

realisation (again)

OKAY FIRSTLY!

I'm sorry for writing a shitty post like that.
I really don't know how you're feeling now, and i'm afraid to ask.
You didn't reply my message and i know there's something wrong.

I'm just gonna.. gonna stop talking to you awhile, i hope time heals.

shopping.

armed with 80bucks, i ran around the western side of singapore today, shopping.
Bought:
Cap
shorts
disposable (ahem)
torchlight and batteries.

And then i tried looking for a waterproof 1-use camera.
Found one at $17. recalling what sarah told me, I was like "That's a rip-off man!"
so i didnt get it
Ran around the entire neighbourhood of clementi, there wasn't a single shop decent enough to even sell that camera.
Had gastric, gave up. went home.

DARN IT!.
well yesterday.. was a sad day.
i really dont know what went wrong.

cam whoring.

This is what we do in afternoons that are boring.



... arggh no more.

sentosa.

Sometimes you wish time would stop while you're having fun.


Timeless passion. heh.
But time flies by and never ceases to flow.

what to do?
But, look away and grow up.

agony in a life without echo

ever woke up early in a cold morning, running over to your table and tripping over your sheets?
Excitedly picking up your phone and removing the charger cable, the screen lights up, lights up your face.
"1 message received" the series of words shine like gold in the eyes of the beholder, you.
You immediately select "show" and excitedly look on, your legs can hardly take the excitement, they start fidgetting.

But then.. the light from you face fades.. Something's wrong.
Its yet another DUMB-CRAP call divert alert message...
Wherever did the reply to your message go? The reply you were so eagerly awaiting.
A reply, a request for me to help out? It didnt come. You needed help, but you rather not ask me.
That's just how far things have become.
So far, echoes die trying to reach me. Or maybe, you've become so numb, nothing's coming back ever.