psalms 88 is the most comforting psalm.
once you move from empathy with the psalmist to disbelief in the superficial content, you know in your heart that your cries of pain and feelings of injustice

are unfounded.

because like the psalm, it feels like God has turned His face from you.
but good christian sir, it is only an euphoria

I know one day my decision will lead to this.
people will continue to come and say

"dude, cauz you look like someone who has a girlfriend!"
but there'll come a day when I'm no longer spurred by some statement, and I will rejoice for the world has finally seen my cross.

I now know it, it is singlehood until I learn

it'd have been okay if its just her not liking me.
but its worse.
That's what courtship is for, so that aside.

its been awhile my enemy.
its about going recklessly convinced that i know what i want
because i've never given it enough thought and honesty.

that's the killer.
stay! SIT! I demand that of myself.
stay right where you are.

how I almost laid to rest in Australia

actually, it was just a normal day.

There were 3 phases in the exercise. Company, LF and Brigade

I was acting as sentry for LF when this happened..

It was 6 in the morning and 7 was the time for road closure.

Setting up the antenna for our set, I attempted to communicate with the other sentry posts.

Pushing the PTT..

"hello sierra papa 3 this is sierra papa 8, comms check over..."

there was something wrong, usually you can hear yourself speaking, as if speaking over a phone.

Its called a backtone.. somehow it did not come.

"hello sierra papa3..."

I came to a sudden realization of what was going on. Its simple, we had a set that could not transmit.

It was literally a radio, as a layman would know a radio.

Finding myself a spot to sit, I considered the situation we were in.

Basically, we were in the middle of nowhere, without a method of communication.

We were charged with the task of holding vehicles at our position before authorization comes in to allow them to pass into the live-firing area.

That's all nice and good... until you realize that you're without a method to SEEK that authorization.

Then I was angry, I was mad at the frivolous fella in the morning...

"hey, wait up, we should test the sets first" I said, as I reached down to fix the handset on..

"don't need don't need, we're running late, besides, I tested them all last night"

I glanced at the dude with disbelief.

"Yes, they are all working, trust me, take and go"

....

I'd bet he merely fiddled with the in-built test system without physically attempting to communicate on the set.

Its a common, lazy-man's method... That was basically the issue.

And so I tried to formulate a scheme of actions to take to deal with this problem.

This was the exact situation..

1. There's another sentry post down the road 3km away (which turned out to be more than that) which served as the final checkpoint before the road becomes dangerous. Complication is, the people there may let the vehicles past without re-requesting authorization, believing that the earlier sentry post (my post) has cleared them.

2. It was 6, road closure happens at 7, Live-firing commences at 8 (from previous experience, it may happen before or after 8)

3. I takes 42mins for me to walk 4km in full battle order.

So, I came to a conclusion..

I'd take no more than 30mins to reach the next sentry point on foot, carrying nothing but a pack of biscuits. I'll go there, inform them that our sentry post is down because the signal set was down and charge them to halt all vehicles and request for authorization.

Then I'll backtrack, taking the remaining 30mins to return by 7 so I avoid trespassing the road closure rule.

Why did I do this? Was it not because signallers were supposed to prioritise "comms through" over everything else?

So I bid my partner farewell and started to trek towards to next sentry post.

I walked for what seemed like forever, only to realise that 30mins had passed without me even making out of the jungle (for the road opens to a plain and a ghost town which was supposed to be in close proximity to the sentry post)

I became anxious and started to run.

After a good 5mins or so, I saw the ghost town. According to the brief last night, the ghost town should be visible to the sentry post and hence I knew I was nearing.

However, a big complication stood before me, for the path diverged into 3 vastly different directions. (refer to the illustration above)

I reduced the possible paths to take from 3 to 2, cancelling the one to the left because I've been to the place and we've never taken the left path.

Taking the obvious (straight-on path) I walked into the ghost town.

I walked till I crossed the entire town and still there wasn't a sentry point in sight.

The naggy thought that the sentry post was only 3km from mine led me to believe that I took the wrong path. Its too far, I've walked way too far. I estimate that I had gone for at least 5km.

I went back to the junction this time, and I took the path to the right.

Sure enough, I saw SP3, sentry post 3. However, the guys were sitting in the shelter...

according to the briefing last night, they're now 1km away.

Yet the path HAD TO diverge again! I took the right turn again and followed it faithfully, that is, until I walked straight into a graveyard.

Spooked out I retraced my steps to SP3.

Just then, I looked across to the ghost town and saw a convoy rumbling through... Then they came to a halt.

Sensing this as an opportunity, I hurried myself to meet them.

But this crossed my mind.

if I followed the road back to the junction before re-taking the straight-on path, I'd take alot of time, so much so that the convoy might leave and I'd lose my chance..

There was an alternative however, and that was the direct path, a path right through a good possibly 500m dash through the field of long grass, so long they were taller than me.

I did not want to take that path because we were told that animals may be hiding within... but duty compelled me.

So I ran straight in, clawing away the grass which stood before me. The morning dew was starting to wet my uniform, but it was still bearable.

As I continued bashing my way through the grass, I became anxious, anxious to break out of the vision obscuring mess for imaginary animals were starting to appear amongst the bushes.

Then I came to a screeching halt.

about 400m into the field, there was a brook. A pretty small river running through.

I had to cross it, if I were to retrace my steps, I'd lose much time.

Surveying the river, I found its narrowest.

It was about 4m wide. I thought my record of 4.2 for long jump would be sufficient to clear it cleanly. Clearing an area big enough for me to break into a sprint, I ran..

But who was supposed to know that the bank was slippery as hell?!

I slipped and plunged straight into the river.

Fear seized me instantly for my legs could not fathom to depths of the deceptively little stream..

At once I recalled the existence of crocodiles (later found to be an unnecessary concern because they are estuarine...) and I paddled to the opposite bank.

I tried to push myself up but the clay was slippery. I clawed desperately for a hold and I managed to put a grip around this huge rocky edge that was sticking out of the ground.

I pulled and dragged myself up the bank (and in the process smearing the clay all over my uniform) and immediately broke into a run again for fear of the imaginary crocodiles.

I ran and ran until I finally emerged from the wall of tall grasses, stumbling into a fellow soldier who was taking a smoke.

You should've seen his face... pure bemusement slapped right on.

The rest of the story was unimportant, basically I managed to hitch a hike, sitting soaking wet beside a few high ranking officers who were impressed with the action I just went through.

So basically, I gave a thought about the situation I was in, and I found 2 ways I could've died.

1. By trespassing the live-firing area. It was 715 by the time I was at SP3. A stray bullet could've found its way to me if the live firing had started.

2. I could've hit my head against the rocks when I slipped and flew into the river. Then I'd faint of be too blur to prevent myself from drowning in the who-knows-how-freaking-deep little stream.

So, that was really a hell of an experience wasn't it?

its been 3 weeks, i can barely make out the details of home.

how have you, you and you been?

how's it all going on?

For a day on this trip i actually thought someone was waiting for me.

And afraid that it wasn't just someone but was more than one

but now I'm heading back with my head clear.

its been 3 weeks but nothing has changed

the people waiting.. is still the same.

its really hard being unpopular

really courageous staying single.

if i dont come back (how ridiculous you may think)
tell her for me..
on second thoughts.. leave it buried.

its been just 2 months, I doubt you know the impact you leave in my life.
do I really like you or am I just out to make immortal your place in my life?

a bad dream

i had a bad dream. Forgot the content but remembered the theme... or themes.

You know how i always thought the being top student (undeservingly) is 2010's greatest enemy.
It, in my ridiculous opinion, reinforces an age old stereotype, which i assume exists, which is, that it is apt to expect perfection from me.
not only perfection, but miracles and surprises that i'd be a new canvas everyday, not just fresh and new, but colorful and pleasantly unpredictable.

But sorry, I'm not.
I'm just another canvas (perhaps even one which is mildly decaying) with occasional bright splashes of paint. But i beg you, "don't follow the world and its excuses of impressionism" the splashes of paint why, they only mislead you!

dont be lost in its neon green and blue with dashes of orange looking cool
the streaks of paint and the way they moved, merely danced to the way you thought it should
your eyes were playing tricks on you.

I'm a normal person who is mildly deluded regarding his talent.
I tried to live as perfectly as you wanted me to.
never knew why for a moment i could

but to be normal was to be disappointing
to be honest was to be dumb
when i showed you how much i cared
you regarded it as my ensnare.

alright evidently this is drifting off topic.
but you know, you were the incarnate of the "phantom" i never wished existed.
and you had to be the one to leave the resounding, neverending ripple

on the tranquil lake of mine.

she's like a dream
but this doesn't have to be

I've resolved to see that dreams are dreams
and they have little to do with me.

a dream is like a changeling
I chased it hard and watched it flee.

and when I thought I caught the dream

still today she eludes me.

photos

There is always a conflict within my mind when I look at photos. Photos reminded me of my past, and the nostalgic feeling is the cause of the conflict. I’m a very sentimental person, history has proven that many times already. Looking back at the past times always bring me much joy and gratitude. If those were good times, I thank God he gave me those times. If it was bad times, I give thanks to Him for leading me through them. Where is the conflict then? With each click on the camera, history is captured. Time moves on. This means that photos represent moments that we want to remember and can only be remembered because the moments can never be recreated or experienced again in the exact same conditions. This feeling of yearning creates some feeling of sadness which conflicts with the feeling of gladness. Another feeling I experience when looking at photos is guilt. Guilt which arises because we can see the situation much clearer now when we are out of the picture thus making us regret doing what we had done during that time. Guilt can also arise from comparison. Perhaps we are stuck in a stronghold now and as we look back at the days when we do not have these problems, we feel horrible. Or when we look at all our friends in the photos, and then we look at our own hypocritical smiling face and we feel that we have betrayed their trust. Sometimes the pain I get when I look at photos is so great that I stop looking at them and drown myself with other distractions. All that I have written so far are my thoughts and feelings. But this is what I know, we cannot correct our past, we cannot make sure that history does not repeat itself, we do not know about the future; however there is a truth that we must know and must remember, God has forgiven our sin, our past, present and future sin. We seem to be at the mercy of time however we do know of a God who is not inhibited by time, in fact he is the one who is in control of time. Therefore next time when we look at our photos please remember to look harder and see God’s hand in the picture.


by this paragraph, i know i've seriously backslided. or lost my innocence, or as aiping says, became nua.

cauz if someday you wake up and find that you're missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be
thinking maybe you'd come back to the place we'd meet
and you'll see me waiting for you, on the corner of the street

because if I had gone.. they could've stayed. its been great having friends like them though..
I know I'll take it easy alone.
wonder if they will.

who's more important?
the girl who likes you..
or the girl of your dreams?

afraid that at the end of 2 years of waiting.. of anticipation. of holding back..

I find myself too bruised and bleeding I end up nothing more prepared then I was.

gosh you know, I really hate NS. Then again. I know I'll spend my time wasted.
Till that uncertain future comes, its still great to avoid present folly.

music is written by our emotions.
does it have the key to the other direction?
suppose today the world's one big victim..
where too much plug and play misdirected our emotions?

its been 7 months.. every other step feels unnaturally heavy.
its good to see you again.

i was watching singaporean son episode 3.
yes im retarded, hate army still watch for what right?

honestly, its not like that.
the episode was on stripping and assembling of rifles..

that was my strong point.. i'd do both at around 14 secs each... stripping can go as fast as 10-12.

i find that i could not tear myself from it, its true, there are memories that'll stay forever.
Now, away from the sheltered (though more regimental days) in BMT.. hell i miss the place.
I remembered that the thought of returning there as an instructor of some sort was the driving force which saw me to admit and accept that fact that i, like every other singaporean man..
entered the army phase in my life.

then today, yeah, siong memories? i have.
i probably did the most siong saikangs ever.. once even resulting in a high fever.
but when i look back, yeah the memories are there.
but they aren't the fond variants army people claim..

because today, from retrospect, I still cannot see the comaraderie and whatnot.
all I feel is regret. I regret being selfish.. I gave up trying to make everyone work together.
There were somethings would do. I'd push them, remind the ones who were slacking how everyone else are giving their best and they should too...
telling them to follow the footsteps of those who have various injuries and yet contribute beyond their call of duty..
reminding them to be gentle on the fragile objects..

and then I got tired.
I got tired of them telling me that I'm too garang.
that I've no rights to expect the same hard work from them.
That it doesnt matter anyway, if the funboxes get bent or broken.
that perhaps I too, chao keng by overworking myself so I'd fall sick and get Attend C to keng.

as I silently resumed my personal diligence, perhaps I've started to despise them.
I treated them like gangrene limbs to be severed.

maybe thats also why I'm cool with getting posted to company line.
just a year and a few months more..
but these memories will remain stashed up, in a tight big suitcase.. stowed away under my bed.
because even if I wanted to forget, I can never.

it almost feels foreign..
lying, awaiting the flashing green which tells me what I've been waiting for is finally here.

but even if it flashes I can never know

its another year and it feels the same
its back to studying once again.
A year ago I was a fool
This year I know what I'm doing
and I wish the same for you.

rainy weather I just had a big fall. my knee is swollen and the skin has peeled off, forming one small bleeding patch. you know, back in bmt my platoon mates called me fernando torres. why?
they felt that though i was usually efficient in the things we had to do, I was often injury-sickness ridden.
its a pity, even I think so.

so, my exodus from chili needs a little more help..
and my physical recklessness? lots to work on. ahh, emo emo.

its raining heavily at the padang. it is!
just moments ago we were clearing cardboard boxes till we were caught (and perhaps, drowned) in the cascade of rainwater.
yikes, its really cold and i'm freezing to death.

safety starts with saf

or so its true that's what they say

but when you see the frown on my face..
you'll know

I feel safer when I'm away

we must be good stewards of the gifts God gives us.
in response to that, I've been abstaining from chilli.
why?
I realised that its the culprit for perhaps many of my encounters with throat infection.
hence farewell chilli hello better health!
sigh. been keeping it up quite well until.. today. laksa was on the menu..

the poem

a poem reciting the water bottle mission.
humpty dumpty sat on a chair
humpty dumpty gave me a big scare!
but all the king's horses had no time to care
they were too busy-
they had ndp there!

but the SAF so strong
whose adp wanted to right his wrong
so he bought you a new humpty
with an apology inscribed in this song!

you know, i always thought i knew how you felt
when your gastric ulcers protested, when you collapsed to the floor
where you dealt with the convulsions and lost your consciousness.

well, i never did.
not at least until yesterday.

The medics rushed me into the treatment room, my temperature hit 39.4
It's critical they, they said.
they laid needles and drip bags on the table before me, and discussed briefly
regarding which bag or which needle they'd choose.

they constricted my arm in hopes of finding the vein, but they could not.
in desperation, one of the medics jumped onto the slightest visible vein...
I could feel the needle dividing its way into my flesh.

blood began to fill the needle's hollow because the drip was unable to enter.
Slowly, the medic removed the needle and stopped the bleeding.

"so how now? do we use the 18gauge?"
"i think i'm more confident with the 18..."
"hey, but shouldn't we let him rest for aw.."

everything faded into the background. All of a sudden i wanted to rest my head
wanted to close my eyes and wish it all away.
then my vision became pixelated.. and my limbs were turning cold.

I was losing my arms.. they started to feel foreign.
my head felt lighter and my eyelids weighed down.

I was afraid.. but a sense of comfort overwhelmed me..
"just let go.. it'll be better, let's go"
something soothing, reassuring clouded my mind..

as i was dragged onto my feet, i almost completely lost my vision.
that was when I thought of you.. and that day.

that day..

you were sick and resting at home, you caught the flu.
between lessons we'd message because you didn't want me to be distracted in class.
that day you told me something i did not want to hear..
and right then i lacked the maturity to think it through..

that day it all fell apart, whoever i was to you took a complete turn
for the first time you decided "enough is enough".
I can never know how upset or how angry you were.. because you'll never tell me.
but when I reached home and heard you fainted...

back there in the dimly lit corridoors in the wee hours of morning. My I was shocked back into life.. I was disgusted by the way I treated you.. of how I'd defend myself- that I wasn't the one who did not understand, but you were the one who always overreacted.
Forsaking that falsely comforting voice in my head, I flexed my sinews of willpower,
and reached within for a desperate source of power to stay awake..
By then my vision was gone, but nevertheless I dragged my feet along, trusting that when I reached the bed, all will be better..

I never knew fainting was that scary...
And today, I sit here blogging.. all by sheer grace.

as i wiped the sweat off from my nose wondered how you do it and still look so beautiful.

recently. i've been screwing around with the time i have.
sometimes, the rare times i sit back to go brutal on the things i do
brutally honest i mean, evaluate every screwing-around i've been involved in.

i dont know, im really upset when i try to help people who well.. more or less gave up themselves.
i dont know. shouldnt i be compassionate and... feel sorry for them? why have i gone further in the spectrum to all these bitterness and who-knows-what.

oh God help me. i'm such a fool. i can't make decisions in my life without you.
everything goes wrong when im alone..

i dont know you

but i want you

all the more for that

so

take this sinking boat and point it home

we still got time...

why do you read my blog, you.

what do you know of those stories i tell you, when i've never told you about yours.
how everything started how
I gave substance to lies and gave life to manufactured feelings
in the hurry to deliver you from the darkness you were in
And oh how i hated myself when i failed
when selfishness made it all disappear
and the extent i blamed and beat myself up
because you, were one person i failed to protect..
and since i messed up i know i'll never know
some things you used to tell me, now you'll never again

and you, you labelled me the broken road
which led you back to him. not Him.

and so i say i dont love you
even though it kills me
its the lie to set you free.

envy.

you'll probably never know how much i envy your life.
Mine's all the flashy superficial crap that i dream and wish for
and get.
while yours is always the real deal, even though they may be smaller things

you may count and find that few girls ever liked you.
yet i have many who never liked me for who i am.
to them perhaps i was convenient, perhaps i was a good listener.
perhaps i was a good tutor, perhaps.

i dont know why it can be so different, 2 people partaking in the same thing.

lack substance.

Isit really a PJ curse, that nobody ever makes it to law from there?

I'm about to snap over the anticipation of my admission results.
Everyone's gotten theirs and mine.. mine's just floating around in the thin air
somewhere there, not there.. faint taste painful hope kinda thing.

As i reflected, many times these few weeks, over my oral interview
I want to give my smiling face a tight slap.
I want to scream at myself "WHY THE HECK DO YOU SMILE, DO YOU NOT GENUINELY CARE?!"
i dont know if the prevailing weather report written on my face is God-glorifying.
I'm not sure if its the condition of entrusting all onto him, or just a relapse of my frivolity.

I'm not even sure why i wanna go law, why i did not gun for a sure through course like
pure science/ econs double degree.
What am i trying to prove exactly, along with that PSC scholarship?

has this top student thing poisoned my mind? Why have i started to follow what others deem to be good and deserving of me?

Gosh, i better reflect, and reflect fast before those veins of frustration rupture.
Its time i found the self i left behind, that faithful 5th march afternoon.

i know i was disappointed at how many people took the news.
But honestly dear boy, that's a horrible excuse.

the times we walked those streets at night
the times where you, so close by my side
do you not remember, do you not care?

oh where we studied and dined together
where i walked you to the bus stop right past that temple
where we talked and you used to laugh
and everyday i'd...

know you better
see you clearer
hear you closer..

but its different now, though the streets remained the same
the familiar pavement i now tread every wednesday
and the long run way where i'd find you everyday
is now blanketed in darkness and in solitude.
if only if i had

known you better
saw you clearer
heard you closer

will you ever know how i treasured those moments
where you at last spoke things from your heart
and everyday i try to be better
so nothing can ever take us apart
and find that i may truly

know you better
see you clearer
hear you and hold you closer.

chicken and egg

i think the chicken came first. this is why:

I'm a creationist, I believe an Almighty God made everything that came into existence. I believe that God created the chicken, as well as the egg- each to fulfill their own purposes. So the question is, would God create an egg at the beginning, instead of creating a chicken directly?

While He could've created the egg first and still made perfect sense in doing so, from what I understand about eggs today, I'm sure He first created the chicken. And through the chicken, allowed eggs to come into existence.
Why?

He created chickens to sit on eggs so that these eggs could in turn become chickens.
Isn't it simple? Eggs could not have given rise to chickens at the very beginning because they needed to be carefully incubated!

the chicken and egg problem is solved, it isnt a problem anymore. Thanks jasmine, for raising the question over dinner.

in light of law interview on saturday, i shall have a special today.

one fine day i sat thinking, thinking again.
I was wondering what questions might be thrown at me during interview. Reflecting on
"crime and punishment" learnt in J1, one classic question might be

"do you think the death penalty is justified?"

to which, i have 2 things to say.

Firstly, i think that the death penalty is indeed of the right magnitude.
Its basic exchange: if you take something, you return.
an eye for an eye, a life for another.

if one feels that such exchange is unreasonable, he should've negotiated.
One concern may be that the killing was not done intentionally, was accidental etc.
That i feel, is a concern well addressed by the current legal system where different classes of murder, manslaughter are cleanly categorised to "protect" the offenders.

another concern may be "why can't we offer the offender a second chance, i mean, what if he realised his mistake and repented?"

To which i can only say true repentence should not give birth to pleading of second chance, but rather a wholehearted surrender for punishment. Think along with me:
if one should say "oh im sorry, i realised my mistake, please give me another chance" what is he targeting for? Self preservation of course.
On the other hand, if one has truly comprehended his mistake, he will realise that his punishment is well deserved and will silently partake.

So, is giving of second chance a matter worth considering? i fear not.

lastly, we know that the harshness of death sentence is the very thing which passively guards the lives of people. should its severity be defiled, it will lose the level of deterrence it currently imposes.

as a result, one can only expect to see more lives taken.

When i am sick i always miss somebody
but i know this is a one-way feeling
i feel so conflicted when i cannot type any

There is a sunflower sitting in my room
Its neck hung in desperation
it seeks its one only sunshine
without it, it won't do any other

When it rains i feel so upset
to think i spend my days in camp
Especially when i am sick on sundays
oh Lord i wonder where you went.

on the fly

For those who know me, you know why i blog.

Just the previous post, i was fretting over stupid nightmares.
Today, thanks to NS, life seems to demand deeper consideration.

2 years? what do i do with them?
First i admit they're no longer mine.
Honestly, i don't want to be here, I'm a slacker, i rather being doing things as i please.

But here, 2 years.. I'm shortchanging myself if i decide to waste it away, if i do not flaunt my abilities and enter command school, I finally have a reason to regret.

Well anyway, after such heavy talk about life, lets share a funny incident.
I recall seeing recruits run down from their rooms wearing helmets with camouflage.

Its funny really, since the camouflage can be really flammable, no?

Imagine, your head catching fire as you echo "fire fire fire!"
Now, that makes good sense doesn't it?
haha.

gosh i'm dead tired after IPPT. Wonder if i have what it takes to get Gold,
The standards are so high, this... is army however, of course they're high. ha!

bouts of nightmares

I'm a pig, i sleep more than 9 hours a day... but what is there to say?
I really need that sleep.

Recently, my nights have been haunted with most unfriendly of dreams.
This spooky theatre has screened various genres: morality, stupidity, love... but has moved on since, recently, into A levels.
So far, its been 2. They were screenings of mental torture, as i struggled within helplessly, dragged along as undesirable events spontaneously....

anyway,

I was at home, and I recall today being economics paper 2. Somehow, the paper's to be taken at home. I logged on to school portal to receive the paper at 10 sharp.
I never liked economics, i knew i was gonna flung this...
Shortly after i opened the paper, however, a smile crawled across my face.
"Economics paper 2, time alloted 2 hours: read pages 33-38 of your economics textbook, the article entitled "??????W?AD?W?FAE??" and write your commentary on it"
Simple, little economics involved, just full logic stuff.
As i sat myself down, and my fingers touched the keyboard... I was thrown into the streets of orchard. Somehow, i was there to buy something, for some compelling reason i cannot recall, now that i'm awake.
But time flies and its 1140... and i recall the work that's pending.. only 20mins left.

20 mins left.. for a 2 hour paper, factor in transportation time... and I'm well on the highway to hell. Hence, with great haste, i ran to a taxi stand, with my shopping bouncing precariously in my hands... and to my horror, the streets were empty. There wasn't a single damned car on the road...
And it wasn't just the road... the buildings.. they look so rigid, so frozen.. their colours faded and the crackled into lifeless black-white.. But time still rode on happily, 5mins has since passed.

As i collapsed onto the bench in the taxi stand, my head had nothing more than self-rebuke. I cannot understand why i still went for some innocent, foolish shopping when a grave matter as such awaited my attention. I'm screwed, i concluded..
At this instance, a beam of light faded into view, a horizontal one... a taxi. By now, my surroundings have completely corroded and everything was misty and shit. Boarded the spooky taxi anyway.

The taxi didn't bring me home, not that reaching home at 1205 would make any compelling difference in this disaster wrecked day.
I found myself stepping into the school auditorium (which looked more like IJC auditorium).. Immediately, i was greeted ever so warmly by vincent, who merely exclaimed
"EHHHHHH! have you handed in your paper?" then continuing his monologue enthusiastically, "Harkdamn! Forgot, your dad's the examiner, you must've been the first to hand your shits in"
I didnt know what to say, his innocent chatter about the naturally workings of this world just made little sense in that juncture.
I made little effort to sit silently into my chair... but every effort was made for me to sink into it.
As i pondered over a paper's lost, my teary eyes glanced further.. To results day.


AND HELL, I REALLY DREAMT OF THE RESULTS DAY DAMNIT.

I was in the school blazer for i had just represented the school in a seminar. I was in the highest of spirits and i galloped my way down to school. I quickly made my way into the school hall.
The scho0ol hall uh... looked more like the sanctuary of some old cathedral which had been draped with dark blue cloth all over to hide its obscene age..
Well, there was something in the air.. and i didnt like it. For starters, i did not receive a phone call in the morning.. could it be because they knew i was in a seminar and did not want to interrupt me? A phone call meant alot, since it'd suggest that i scored well, well enough to be mentioned at least..
As i made my way down the central aisle... Junwen was announcing the names from our class..
"brenda.. junwen... jameus.. rita (rita?).. yuhsuann... chongyee (chongyee wtH!?)... ...
It trailed on as a huge number of names were called out. I went to him and i asked if my name was on the list as well.
I definitely hated that look on his face. That serious, why-dont-you-see-for-yourself-i-dont-want-to-hurt-your-feelings look. I got my answer, but i was still waist deep in disbelief..
As i flipped the list and ran my finger down every column, time and reason linked arms and coerced me into believing...
No.. no.. how can this be? It says there beside my name that I'm a 17 pointer (doesnt exist in Alevels, i know) meaning i was hitting an average of Cs. I turn and i fled the place.. running and running until i found myself within a block of abandoned HDB building. There I sat, on a dusty step in the stairwell, and cried.

I think i really did cry, since i woke up today with quite a volume of dried tears.

less than a week to NS, things cannot be wronger.

2 Things currently haunt me.
first, i keep having this feeling that im not living my life to its fullest and i'm awaiting a regret-my-ass-off when i get into army.

Second.. is something more sinister. Its the I-wanna-get-a-girlfriend feeling. Or accurately put, time to victimise some girls. Hold your reins buddy.

musings

I've a friend who thinks im perpetually irritating..
well, I think she's a kid, so this not only makes sense, it calls us quits.

anyway, I saw this poster in town recently..
it was something like "quest for immortality", some exhibition in our very own national museum(for what it's worth)

Anyway, a thought came to mind.
You know, people dont really want immortality, only perverse, mentally shipwrecked pharoahs and huangdis wanted to live forever, torture forever, eat bunches of grapes and blah blah forever.
The common man still desires living to a ripe old age..

so i was thinking.
You know how everyone associates old age to living a happy life, being joyful and all
while the sulky individual is bestowed the grave in advance..

Laughter, the best medicine.
Yes, yet time flies like an arrow when you're enjoying yourself, and crawls like a snail when you're.. well, bored.
You know how it feels like, that prolonged moment when your heart shatters.. and in your mind you see a black background with hundreds of flying shards slowing dispersing through the air?

So which is a longer life? One where time flies like an arrow and before you know it, you're dead.
Or isit that blank-eyed hopelessly dribbly waiting and waiting and "savouring" of every passing second?
hmm...

the 2 year plan

struggling already. its been.. 16 days.

its another idontknowhowmanymore.

dream

lately i've been having tons of nightmares, i don't know why..
yet i do, you aren't supposed to know though, dear reader.

There's one i can vaguely recall, and it isnt a nightmare.

You, jasmine, were in it.

It all started out with an impulsive message i sent to you, asking if you'd like to go out together.
Obviously i didn't expect you'd turn up, since you fell MIA ever since the japan trip.

But that sunny day, on an unknown stone pavement on mt. faber, you were there, waiting and checking your phone.
I apologized profusely for being late, and for something else i cannot remember now.
You admitted that you didn't want to be here, but said "oh heck, its not as if we'll be seeing each other often for the days to come"

So we took off for a long walk under the gentle sun, with the breeze coming from the sea (is that a sea?)
And suddenly, you, being clumsy, tripped over the uneven terrain, and we soon found ourselves on a precarious slide down a long steep slope.
Suddenly, it wasnt precarious anymore, your face was brightly lit, you were obviously enjoyng the ride.
A very odd scene indeed, 2 people laughing and letting loose while supposedly rolling down a hill.
Then..

then we hit the base, and still lying on our backs, we watched as the clouds drifted sheepishly in the sky.
You were giggling and smiling to yourself.
For the moment, i felt like i was released, forgiven, but from what? I dont know.

The next moment we found ourselves visiting my school, PJC that is. It didn't even remotely resemble the actual PJC though.
And as we were walking near the tennis courts, you turned and asked me
"Do you think the delivery comes here? Why don't we get some lunch via delivery?"
"delivery?" i asked, 'you mean like.. macs?"
"no! hahaa" you replied, "starbucks"
"hm.. starbucks" i pondered..
"Lasagne? you want lasagne?" you suggested "LASAGNE IT IS!"

and the next instance, we weren't phoning the delivery, but we found ourselves in the school library.
The rest is murky, and too dialogue laden.
All i know is, the day ended with my wallet empty, but nevertheless, i was happy.

Where are you, my dear odd friend?