ill-motivation

It's been how many? 3 weeks?
3 weeks since we met to have round 2. These 3 weeks have been a roller coaster ride. I've been thinking of them as God's test.

Was I too arrogant when I said that I can live with this, this fruitless hoping?

I still think that it is the right thing to do. If you really like someone you really shouldn't get too set back by her rejection. In a way, this is part of courtship isn't it?

But back to the question. The things that happened these weeks remind me about something she said. She asked if this was going to take up all my energies and make me inept to do the things I ought to do. I think the idea is that if it were the case then in a sense I've lost the right to hold on.

Doesn't matter if it is logically plausible, it's personal. If by holding on I allow myself to live in a very unworthy manner then perhaps I really should think about whether this is permissible for me. This has been the question on my mind these weeks. Can I handle it? Did I overestimate myself when I said that I could live with it?

Maybe I really cannot.
Why am I unwilling to give up then?

Ill-motivation I suppose. Somehow I am of the opinion that by holding on this way I'm being particularly productive, fearing that if I gave up, for now, that I'd lose the chance forever.

There is something that hasn't quite gotten into my head, it's something really simple. It's simply that I actually gain nothing by holding on. It's not as though when I give up I'm giving her up to someone else. You can't give up somebody if you've never had her to begin with. There's a queer, unexamined thought in the midst of all of this.

I think the answer is clear now. Not only am I unable to handle it, I'm ill-motivated about it. The appropriate move therefore, is to eat the humble pie and give up. I suppose what is comforting to me is the idea that it is possible to genuinely say that you like someone and yet give up the hope.

Particularly, if you're only giving up, for now.

Re reading the song lyrics today I wonder if we can rewrite the chorus with
我仅仅抓住你
In the sense that all I did was to hold onto you.

Unlikely song

So today after bible study I suddenly realised that there was something I said on Sunday that wronged my friend. Basically, I had very selfishly and dishonestly put the blame on her.
Well she's not just my friend. She's someone I admire... she's someone who took time out that night to talk about something she isn't very keen to talk about and yet this was what I did to her.

I apologised immediately. In her reply she explained that she actually did take offence at what I said. I asked her to forgive me. She says,
"it's okay, I won't take it to heart".

I don't know what to make of it because it sounds so cold.

Whereas for me... I can't believe I did such a thing. In a way, I was disappointed at the revelation of my selfishness. In a way I'm upset about how it was just bad publicity for myself. In a way I'm just lost because I feel like I've wronged her so badly I can never face her again.

Strangely enough, the lyrics of this song came to mind.
我無助的時候，你給我力量；
我害怕的時候，你緊緊抱住我，
當我覺得我不行，你告訴我可以，
你就是那最愛我的主。

我緊緊抓住你，我永遠不放手；
我看到你獨生子，為我釘死在十架上。

我緊緊抓住你，我永遠不放手，
是你醫治了我，是你從來未離開過我。
我已看到我的未來，充滿信心和盼望

It's just like that isn't it. With no where to go, nothing better to say, no one to speak to, with the life sucked out of me, I grasp shamelessly at the Lord who loves me. At the Lord who gives me strength to change. At the Lord who understands and does not overlook nor despise.

I feel like I've really got nothing else.

Update:
Turns out there a message came in while I was typing this post.
She made a joke about herself. She said "don't worry, I forget things very quickly". It's a joke we often make about her flaky memory.

I see that she took pains to try to lighten the mood. I feel so restored. Thank God. Why does grace come so quickly? 

matter-of-factly

I just love it sometimes when people say difficult truths matter-of-factly. I like how unapologetic it sounds; the way you shocks me into remorse about how I've been moping and dragging my feet around.

At the moment of hearing you hear this very, divine... challenge to transcend beyond your problems and unhappiness. To take a good fresh look at the situation and the weight upon your shoulders and to bravely say "so be it".

This time round it was after a meeting for historical night and Justin came to speak to me and ask if everything was okay. I replied that frankly I feel really stressed because there is a lot of things to do. I felt the need to qualify that it is not that the things are too many, but that I've just been used to living a carefree selfish lifestyle that is not fit to bear the load. Concluding with the solution to my own problem, I pointed out that what I need is some discipline and organising of my life, to which he casually replied,

"Oh yeah since 5 years ago I've said goodbye to that sort of carefree life."

In that simple response he chased away the sort of self-pity which was hiding behind what I was saying. I was pitying myself for having now to live life seriously– this was something I was not fully aware of.

Anyway, okay, time to move onto other things, just thought I'd write this here to remember and to call myself to account for it.

Proverbs 15:1 
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

I think I finally understand what this means today. 

Eventual missing of school

I've been feeling it every now and then ever since this semester, a feeling that I will come to miss my days in school and regret not treasuring them.
I felt it distinctly as I watched students walking out of class chatting and smiling and realised that this is my final semester in this place.

4 years have passed and it is not as though I've bummed my way through. The photos I took and the videos I shot reminded me that, despite how distant it feels now, I really did quite a lot in my days here.

I can't say I won't miss this place. I thought I can but I now think I cannot. But let me not burden anyone with the sort of romantic despair many people seem to parade their longing for schooldays with.

I've been here, had my chance to live to the fullest, tried to do so sometimes, failed and now moving, looking on.