Recant

I recant the previous 2 posts.

I fell asleep after listening to a song

All things work for our good Though sometimes we don't See how they could Struggles that break our hearts in two Sometimes blind us to the truth Our Father knows what's best for us His ways are not our own So when your pathway grows dim And you just don't see him, Remember your never alone Chorus: God is too wise to be mistaken God is too good to be unkind So when you don't understand When don't see his plan When you can't trace his hand Trust His Heart He sees the master plan He holds the future in his hand, So don't live as those who have no hope, ALL our hope is found in him. We see the present clearly He sees the first and last And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me, To someday be just like him (Chorus) He alone is faithful and true He alone knows what is best for you (Chorus) When you can't trace his hand When you don't see his plan When you don't understand Trust His Heart



I wake up feeling... well, okay.
Okay because I'm buying the appeal made in the song.

Trust His heart.

My God is too loving to do me wrong
Though too wise, and me too much of an imbecile, for me to always know what He's up to.
Don't let me tell you otherwise

sleepless

I think it would still be fine if I were awake because I'm thinking about young adult ministry.

But not quite. After a choppy sub-standard sleep I found myself largely awake at 3am and well, it's been an hour or so, feeling tired but not quite able to drift into sleep.

God you know sometimes I'm just like that, a kid. Immature, surprised by the prospect that someday she will find someone and it (as things seem right now), won't be me.
What's worse is I won't necessarily be wowed by this person.
Maybe I'll draw comparisons.
Maybe I'll get worked up.

These thoughts make me really unhappy, unhappy because I seem to have already begun wronging her.
I feel not much older than the little jealous boy I was not too many years ago.

What's behind this? A reckless sense of entitlement? But why? Where did it come from?
Should I be awake wrestling with this? With just one day left until my 2nd paper I feel like I need the sleep too.
I need it so desperately to function during my examinations.

A faint refrain plays in my mind
Change my heart O God, make it ever true
Change my heart O God, may I be like You

How does it happen?
How do you change our hearts and minds?
How do we grow?

Can it be true that you can really put it all in their proper places?
I can't!
I really can't I've been trying you know I have!

Fit for ministry

After attending today's workshop, what can I say?

I'll say I feel horribly inadequate.
I'll say... I feel quite down.
I'll say I feel quite upset, with the flippant way I've lived my life.

God what can I say?

I'll say have mercy on me.
I'll say, provide for your ministry.
I'll say, help me.
I'll say, guide me.

I'll say I'm sorry.

For how I've been... working the bare minimum, for how I'll always be chasing after the butterflies in my life.

If I wake up tomorrow and life continues to be the same, let me drop dead and live no more.

empty empty

Sometimes I just feel this pang of emptiness when I study
A deep conviction that life is meant to be more than this
I then take sometime for careful examination
And find the conviction as empty as the life it claims to be

It feels empty because I don't want the things I have
and want the things I do not have
It's empty because I simply say it is.

Do I not see it? That it is self-inflicted?
Oh God lift this whiny, defeated soul and make a man of it.

Taking Stock

So,
3 exams
Mother's Day video
SSUE stuff
Qingtuan new groupings
Planning the combined gathering with Telok Ayer

God help me to be diligent in my life.
Even with all of these, let me remain unfazed.
The time you give me is always far more than enough.

highly controversial

This week I was sitting around with my friend before class and just talking about life...
and girls.

And she said something really controversial and stimulating because it was an honestly fresh perspective (be it that it is really fresh or I just have a pretty good talent at forgetting).

She said that from the way she sees it, I am actually someone who wants to remain single, who doesn't want to get into a relationship.
For her, that's the explanation for why I have a nearly fairy-tale like imagination and often appear to be waiting for the perfect girl.

She thinks that... I'm not actually after a perfect girl, but only a perfect girl would make me want to get into a relationship.

I felt shudders in my chest, as though, pangs of guilt.

I don't know how much my friend actually got right, but when I think about it myself, there's some truth to what she is saying.
At least, I can see that if it weren't because time clearly isn't on my side, I may not be desiring so desperately to be ready.

Now I think that... I just got to admit that I am not. And that... if it turns out that it becomes too late..

Please help me to trust You more. This is but another day in life whereas Your glory I will not give to another.

From a friend:

“I may not be the man I want to be; I may not be the man I ought to be; I may not be the man I could be; I may not be the man I truly can be; but praise God, I’m not the man I once was” – Martin Luther King Jr.

People have been telling me recently that I've changed.
I feel that I have, but I can change so much much more.

This shameful feeling that I could have done more in the time I was given,

coupled with the necessity to give thanks for what God has already changed in me...

It's really an awkward situation.

What can I say? I shall say nothing.

"Alone, but in profound company?"

Life will be so much more God honouring if I can say and mean it. 

Starbucks, Metropolis, 2200h

universal

Today's sermon spoke a lot to me, possibly more so because I was sitting beside her.

It spoke of how we are willing to share everything with the people we love. Our time, our money, our effort. The problem, the speaker said, is not that we are incapable of it, but that we are selective with it.

This was what I feared wasn't it? That I may find that my heart is actually incredibly small.
That even the things I do for others, I do for her to see.
Not that I know that which is which with certainty, or if it were even possible to know.
It's like a good friend once told me, we simply struggle with mixed motivations, a struggle to the grave.

It's times like these that I'm reminded once again, the way things are now is for the better.
It's safe haven for me to learn and grow, even if I don't get what I currently want.

Hebrews 12:20-22

20 但 愿 赐 平 安 的 神 ， 就 是 那 凭 永 约 之 血 、 使 群 羊 的 大 牧 人 ─ 我 主 耶 稣 从 死 里 复 活 的 神 ，21 在 各 样 善 事 上 成 全 你 们 ， 叫 你 们 遵 行 他 的 旨 意 ； 又 藉 着 耶 稣 基 督 在 你 们 心 里 行 他 所 喜 悦 的 事 。 愿 荣 耀 归 给 他 ， 直 到 永 永 远 远 。 阿 们 ！22 弟 兄 们 ， 我 略 略 写 信 给 你 们 ， 望 你 们 听 我 劝 勉 的 话 。

He is equipping us for to serve Him. So that we may be useful instruments in His hands.

May this be the only theme of our lives. 

good gift

I used to think that my JC friend was really clever when he gave his girlfriend this watch she really liked. 

I still remember telling him that it's such a brilliant idea. Every time she checks the time (which a normal person does very frequently), she'd think of him. 

Well, I had the privilege recently to swap the aging hard disk drive in her laptop for a new one. 

Now every time she uses it and is once again astonished with the new speed, will she think of me? 

It was a privilege and of immense pleasure to be at her service. 

I'm wary, fearful that I've turned a blessing into a curse. 

Things are good when we do not over celebrate it. 

Unfortunately, even a watch fades into the background someday,

What more the humble hard drive chugging away in an aged machine. 

My soul tells my heart: just let it fade, let it be just another chapter in your mundane life. 

Then maybe it'll remain a good thing, 

worth over celebration. 

although I am but a little child. I do not know how to go out or come in. 8 And your servant is in the midst of your people whom you have chosen, a great people, too many to be numbered or counted for multitude. 9 Give your servant therefore an understanding mind to govern your people, that I may discern between good and evil, for who is able to govern this your great people?” (ESV)
1 kings 3:7-9

This is also my prayer. Give me the discerning mind I need to lead the fellowship for I cannot govern these people.

May my request please God as Solomon's did. May it also please Him to grant my request.
May we live forever in your favour!

Good Friday

This is our God, the servant king
He calls us now to follow Him
To bring our lives as a daily offering
of worship to the servant king

What will I stubbornly withhold from You?
What else will I never give up?
You must take it all.

no qualms

He takes away, He did not give
Nonetheless my soul's in peace