come on now these idle hours
the least you can do is sleep a little earlier.

what really matters

Someone posted this question to me on Facebook:
How's uni?

Interesting question because I have a complex answer to offer. I simply cannot decide if it is good or bad.
Anyway, if you asked me I'd say I've been bungling along, being incredibly tardy with my work. I've been turning up for lectures without printing the handouts, reaching tutorials without completing readings. Coping spontaneously, every lesson's a scare to me.

At this juncture some will start assuming that I'm struggling with school. They'll try some words of encouragement.. usually by telling me that university's like such or.. that there's still time to change.

Yeah, but you see, my bungling along has not prevented me from coping better than most of my peers.
I'm doing okay in University, short os saying I'm doing well so far. But I still agree, there's time and need to change.

I shouldn't be changing because I'm not coping. I am coping. It just bugs me that... I'm living in a manner unworthy of my calling as a MOE scholar (secular reason of course), or simply as a student privileged enough to make it into a university in Singapore.
I want to start living worthy. I want to watch less youtube videos and squander less of my time sitting idle before facebook. I want to read and enjoy reading. I want opinions and I want articulation. If possible I even want to grow to love sociology (because that shit is so bad right now).

I'm moving along in a tardy fashion but I'm coping.
But that doesn't matter.

why the heart breaks

Again and again, yet it hasn't happened enough for me to observe the reason.
Why does my heart break, for whom does it break?
Because of love? For, to love at all is to be vulnerable.
For the love of who? Myself? You?

Was it simply misplaced hopes? A disillusion on my part.
A grief because I lost a thing I was never meant to expect?
Or maybe it's yours. Maybe you expect too much.
Maybe I'm not that brilliant after all. Maybe I'm not that superhuman.
Maybe you should've commemorated my lack of sleep or my illnesses.
Maybe you lost something you should never have expected from me.

Why is this my business? Why does the heart break?

Why is hurt so profoundly expressed in the chest and hope so blatantly obscured.
And why does one radically recover as though none has happened at all.
Do I embrace the restoration of my smile or shall i permit the scars.

but you are too dangerous for me

strangely troubled.

When I woke up and found that she left, I felt this unease welling in my chest.

I felt like I had some explaining to do. 

But why do I even need to explain anything?

I'm just. that. imperfect.

Sorry you didn't know. 

Sorry I made things look the other way.

Gosh, I just can't get over this. Maybe.. 

plea

I think I've been immensely fortunate so far in university.
I just have 1 plea
That I may remember and thank God for these.

pivot point

Am I getting along well in university? Yes may not necessarily be a wrong answer.

I think, by most standards, I'm rolling along well. I have a demanding module, but even that's okay.
Most unsettling of all will be CCA. I see 3 out of 4 nights occupied by frisbee and cf.
And what about church commitments? I don't even want to imagine. This sunday's lesson's in some sort of jeopardy. I'm very very very worried about it because I can't seem to sit down and get down with it.

argh you know what, less talk more action. Havent even had lunch, meal and sleeping times are slightly odd these days.

I find it hard to imagine these peaceful days to be secretly a pivot point. It is the first week after all. It is the first week whereby the steps I make will be traced forever.
Nah, maybe only.

I gotta buck up. I'm still slacking away. There's time. Just gotta talk less.

Approval

No sharksfin, no champagne no retarded cakes.
couple led worship

God is great, God is good
Lord we thank you for the food


all is well and radical enough
i approve.

apprehension

I finally got to sleep (sorta sleep) in Utown yesterday.
A partly ghastly experience it was.

My first encounter when I stepped in was an unlocked main door (damn it you security breach!)
Further probing led me to an unsightly dirty toilet seat.
How long has it been since check-in? Forgot? It's been 3 days and the seat got pissed on, and had shit stains further down.

Well done actually. Well done.
The lack of hygiene pisses me off at times. 1 year more to live with a mysterious someone who lacked the morals to do the right thing and lacked the sense to perform it logically (if he was really morally depraved). Who would piss on a toilet seat and jeopardise his own future with the toilet should he revisit it?

Next was the dust. There's some unsettled dust in my room and I can't seem to figure where it's coming from. I'd hazard a guess that it's floating over from the construction nearby. The dust is getting into me. It's making me feverish and keeping me awake. Prolonged exposure to such dust? I don't want to imagine!

However, the dining is first class experience. I can't say it enough. It looks and feels like a restaurant and it is crammed with friendly staff. I've yet to try the dinner, but today's breakfast was okay. Every meal sees a menu hailing from different races, each perhaps attempting to suit some demanding tastebuds.

All in all, the overall experience can yet to be concluded. While I feel a little apprehensive, I know what my friends will have me hear...
I'm fortunate
Stay positive
Make the best of it.

Go.

Loss.

I think I found her.
I think I finally did!
Someone who hits all 3 criteria!

But... even so... despite that...
nevermind.

into your hands
I commit again
with all I am
For you, Lord.

You hold my world,
In the palm of Your hand
And I am Yours, Forever.

awaken

I for one, am someone who cant escape the idea that the lives of strangers don't count as much.
That changed today.

As I sat in the hall and watched the slides of photos pass along with the beats of the song, those smiles... I couldn't shake them off.
For the first time since I've met these scholars... I felt for the first time that I interacted with humans, real, compelling, precious humans.

A feeling welled up in my heart. These smiles, they are precious. The moment I saw them I felt their worth.
Happiness.. comes perhaps once too often. They became as worthless a Gold in a golden world.
But at that moment, with its value acutely felt, I uttered a silent prayer.

My God, how great you are.
Who else but a God of love writes these beautiful stories and portray them on beautiful faces.
Who writes the smiles in all the places

I can feel with what love you impute value to us, that you should be concerned about the smiles we live and forget.

It's crazy. I'm mind blown. I stand in awe and I hope it sticks and changes me.