teacher opened his mouth.
Tuck Yan is a kind and nice boy. He's quiet and i know he studies.
I think he needs to speak up more.
I go to church and im in trouble. My triple trap has yet to be brokened.
When i speak up more, everyone's not exactly therefore happy
but at least we save the misunderstanding, and gain understanding.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
don't
Lord please dont make me a greater sinner
to display your mercy and glory.
God please save me already, your plans i cannot understand.
my paths are all awry.
I'm not living a victorious life.
I feel so unhappy inside.
I slack all day
I'm becoming vulgar again
I'm crude and unkind
I'm in love with an unbeliever.
I'm doing everything wrong.
And the unconfessed is even worse.
Show me once again dear Lord.
That you do work miracles.
Lord please dont wait.
save me already...
to display your mercy and glory.
God please save me already, your plans i cannot understand.
my paths are all awry.
I'm not living a victorious life.
I feel so unhappy inside.
I slack all day
I'm becoming vulgar again
I'm crude and unkind
I'm in love with an unbeliever.
I'm doing everything wrong.
And the unconfessed is even worse.
Show me once again dear Lord.
That you do work miracles.
Lord please dont wait.
save me already...
Monday, July 21, 2008
turn on
turn off!
The script! TURN OFF! A TURN OFF!
what was with those grammar errors? The incoherent sentences?
For awhile i was sure PJ'll be doom, and i was dying again, to run somewhere else.
I think im a bad example to my club members.
Im such an act cool snob. And they follow, because they, think its cool.
It isnt, and i only realised when they displayed their perfect mimicking.
So there they were, the jolly ambassadors, complaining abt the idiot councillors.
And there i was, shocked at the lousy standard of work.
"Those in AC would've done a better job, easily."
i keep thinking, keep comparing.
"RJ.."
"blah.."
The script was a monster to behold.
Clearly slipshod, crap. And they were planning for us to read it to students
from other JCs. Talk about embarassment!
Of course, they weren't taking the kiddos for the walk themselves.
So they thought a little kid's play could fool us into being proud of them.
NAWH. Didnt work, not even for a second.
I'm just so disappointed, i dont know how i can say it clear enough.
later.
The script! TURN OFF! A TURN OFF!
what was with those grammar errors? The incoherent sentences?
For awhile i was sure PJ'll be doom, and i was dying again, to run somewhere else.
I think im a bad example to my club members.
Im such an act cool snob. And they follow, because they, think its cool.
It isnt, and i only realised when they displayed their perfect mimicking.
So there they were, the jolly ambassadors, complaining abt the idiot councillors.
And there i was, shocked at the lousy standard of work.
"Those in AC would've done a better job, easily."
i keep thinking, keep comparing.
"RJ.."
"blah.."
The script was a monster to behold.
Clearly slipshod, crap. And they were planning for us to read it to students
from other JCs. Talk about embarassment!
Of course, they weren't taking the kiddos for the walk themselves.
So they thought a little kid's play could fool us into being proud of them.
NAWH. Didnt work, not even for a second.
I'm just so disappointed, i dont know how i can say it clear enough.
later.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
crossroads
In my life right now, there are desirables.
There's something i want to apologise for. I always claim that memory
is a weighing of how much something really mattered.
Many things matter to me, and thus i can recall many things.
But why isit that somethings i cannot remember?
Why, they're all so hopeful and joyful, have i put on such a mindset
that i can no longer recall joyous past?
Hello De En (:
hah. I'm the FIRST
to write for you. Aren't you
happy XD. hahah. Its been
nice talking to you.
From arguing to teasing (MAGNET)
and whatsoevers, I'm glad
I got to know you :) God
Bless in everything. My
wish for you: to grow into a
humble man :D!
was reading this during class a few days ago.
for awhile, the dark clouds really disappeared.
I'm a magnet, im nice to talk to, i used to be tease-able
People used to be glad they know me, some still do and i thank God they do.
God is still blessing me in everything.
But im still not a humble man.
I've been naughty in the past, i'm sure i can be good and yet still enjoy life.
come on come on, wash the negativity.
Put on the armor of light
people need the positivity.
God, please make this life of mine meaningful to others.
It'll then be meaningful to myself.
There's something i want to apologise for. I always claim that memory
is a weighing of how much something really mattered.
Many things matter to me, and thus i can recall many things.
But why isit that somethings i cannot remember?
Why, they're all so hopeful and joyful, have i put on such a mindset
that i can no longer recall joyous past?
Hello De En (:
hah. I'm the FIRST
to write for you. Aren't you
happy XD. hahah. Its been
nice talking to you.
From arguing to teasing (MAGNET)
and whatsoevers, I'm glad
I got to know you :) God
Bless in everything. My
wish for you: to grow into a
humble man :D!
was reading this during class a few days ago.
for awhile, the dark clouds really disappeared.
I'm a magnet, im nice to talk to, i used to be tease-able
People used to be glad they know me, some still do and i thank God they do.
God is still blessing me in everything.
But im still not a humble man.
I've been naughty in the past, i'm sure i can be good and yet still enjoy life.
come on come on, wash the negativity.
Put on the armor of light
people need the positivity.
God, please make this life of mine meaningful to others.
It'll then be meaningful to myself.
Monday, July 14, 2008
60
60 is the number.
for university entry.
60 is the number, a scar of failure.
60 is their number, their hopes and dreams.
60 is without pw, with pw it'll remain the same.
60 is the number im glad i had.
60 is not the number, thus aspire higher to get.
60 is a reflection, a mirror of my shame.
60 is the reflection, of Gods glorious grace.
60 is a reflection, of my ungrateful face.
60 for uni? HIgher! HIGHER!
for university entry.
60 is the number, a scar of failure.
60 is their number, their hopes and dreams.
60 is without pw, with pw it'll remain the same.
60 is the number im glad i had.
60 is not the number, thus aspire higher to get.
60 is a reflection, a mirror of my shame.
60 is the reflection, of Gods glorious grace.
60 is a reflection, of my ungrateful face.
60 for uni? HIgher! HIGHER!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
W T H?
disarrayed, disenchanted, disillusioned- destroyed.
Getting back chinese paper was the ride of my life- the worst ride ever.
First you see that you got an E grade.
Your denial remains strong.
You see that your famed compo is scoring nonsense
your denial crumbles.
Your paper spells your marks in red.
Undeniable.
Your marks are nonsense.
nearly suicidal.
Your mistakes were stupid!
unforgivable!
Your teacher's flippant tone gets into your head!
Incomprehensible.
Your good friend has got an A!
impossible!
many questions sweep your head silly
torrents of nauseating thoughts clog up your mind.
You dont get it again.
There's so so much going wrong, you're lost, drown in the hell of it all.
There's so much you've got to right up.
There's no direction to travel, you're left to wonder alone.
Your friend talks about suicide
your "friend" says its stupid.
The unfeelingness murders you so badly you want to murder "friend"
You clench your fist, you constipate.
Your face turns red while your fists turn blue.
Its crazy crazy wonderful.
You skip GP lecture and wander home.
You shut the door and close the curtains.
You switch on the fan and hear it whisper.
The sky's extremely gloomy today- you wonder why.
You wonder why the rooms so dark, you wonder why the lamp's so glaring
The sky might just be brighter tomorrow.
Sleep early, pack odt- smile, cauz the hopeless world's gonna need one.
Getting back chinese paper was the ride of my life- the worst ride ever.
First you see that you got an E grade.
Your denial remains strong.
You see that your famed compo is scoring nonsense
your denial crumbles.
Your paper spells your marks in red.
Undeniable.
Your marks are nonsense.
nearly suicidal.
Your mistakes were stupid!
unforgivable!
Your teacher's flippant tone gets into your head!
Incomprehensible.
Your good friend has got an A!
impossible!
many questions sweep your head silly
torrents of nauseating thoughts clog up your mind.
You dont get it again.
There's so so much going wrong, you're lost, drown in the hell of it all.
There's so much you've got to right up.
There's no direction to travel, you're left to wonder alone.
Your friend talks about suicide
your "friend" says its stupid.
The unfeelingness murders you so badly you want to murder "friend"
You clench your fist, you constipate.
Your face turns red while your fists turn blue.
Its crazy crazy wonderful.
You skip GP lecture and wander home.
You shut the door and close the curtains.
You switch on the fan and hear it whisper.
The sky's extremely gloomy today- you wonder why.
You wonder why the rooms so dark, you wonder why the lamp's so glaring
The sky might just be brighter tomorrow.
Sleep early, pack odt- smile, cauz the hopeless world's gonna need one.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
the S in the CCB
"14/30..."
"right, the essays with an anyhow pass will save the paper"
"9/25"
"23/55"
"S."
It didnt make sense.
I studied, I was confident.
The walls around me collapsed upon me.
Everything broke. Logic, heart, tears, hope, pride.
I dont get it! Did i really write these?
Why is everything so unclear? Why do the words sound so defiant?
Why are the diagrams not explained?
The pulsating thoughts passed through my wounded mind.
What on earth happened?
My heart was dying, dying to prove itself.
"I'm not some kinda S grade student shit!"
My right hand flailing at the air.
I really dont get it, really, really dont.
I couldnt figure how i was gonna convey this to my friends either.
My hand covered the marks in denial, even my neighbour must not know.
He'd tell me I was wasting my life away, it'd make me feel suicidal.
Those eyes, glistening eyes!
They demanded to hear good news from me, news i cannot offer.
My lips felt dry,
hope vapourised from the morning sky.
that's why, shamelessly
I entrust the remaining 2 papers into your hands.
How does it feel like to be afraid to excel?
"right, the essays with an anyhow pass will save the paper"
"9/25"
"23/55"
"S."
It didnt make sense.
I studied, I was confident.
The walls around me collapsed upon me.
Everything broke. Logic, heart, tears, hope, pride.
I dont get it! Did i really write these?
Why is everything so unclear? Why do the words sound so defiant?
Why are the diagrams not explained?
The pulsating thoughts passed through my wounded mind.
What on earth happened?
My heart was dying, dying to prove itself.
"I'm not some kinda S grade student shit!"
My right hand flailing at the air.
I really dont get it, really, really dont.
I couldnt figure how i was gonna convey this to my friends either.
My hand covered the marks in denial, even my neighbour must not know.
He'd tell me I was wasting my life away, it'd make me feel suicidal.
Those eyes, glistening eyes!
They demanded to hear good news from me, news i cannot offer.
My lips felt dry,
hope vapourised from the morning sky.
that's why, shamelessly
I entrust the remaining 2 papers into your hands.
How does it feel like to be afraid to excel?
the residue
"they were just making noise"....
I was helpless, i could hardly make any sense of the cacophony.
There she was shouting and directing, there they were making their own directions heard.
Look at that frown! Feel the anger! Be torn by the tension!
Its events like this that make me worry for the church.
Such happenings make the world seem alot more hopeless.
we're the churchies, the elects, and this is what we're capable of?
Why that pulsing vein on your foreheads, why the lack of obedience?
Wheres the sense of humility, where's the mutual responsibility?
If the elected of God can accomplish only dis-harmony...
wait, no. so am i.
Its one thing to be the fool in the conflict.
Its another to stand back and claim to see and know.
The other is a greater evil.
When Christians become hypocrites, its time to look back onto the final standing truth.
Always look back to God- dont lose hope.
heh'
I was helpless, i could hardly make any sense of the cacophony.
There she was shouting and directing, there they were making their own directions heard.
Look at that frown! Feel the anger! Be torn by the tension!
Its events like this that make me worry for the church.
Such happenings make the world seem alot more hopeless.
we're the churchies, the elects, and this is what we're capable of?
Why that pulsing vein on your foreheads, why the lack of obedience?
Wheres the sense of humility, where's the mutual responsibility?
If the elected of God can accomplish only dis-harmony...
wait, no. so am i.
Its one thing to be the fool in the conflict.
Its another to stand back and claim to see and know.
The other is a greater evil.
When Christians become hypocrites, its time to look back onto the final standing truth.
Always look back to God- dont lose hope.
heh'
Saturday, July 05, 2008
go-' unfinished business
Awhile ago i was smiling away.
i was drunk in my delightful dinner and my thoughts were afray.
But the moment has come-
"she'll be leaving in 2 mins!"
"hurry let's take the photos!"
The excitement in their voices, how was one going to guess they'll eventually cry?
Right then, when the voices echoed in the rather, empty terminal 3, regrets then finally
crept to my mind.
Watched me grow, watched me learn.
Cared for me even when i was unlovable.
Taught me, fooled around with me- stepped down from her seniority
showed me grace, more importantly, love.
As i watched her back, my heart started to ache.
What'll only be 3 months starts becoming forever.
Photos taken, it was almost time, almost time to go.
With the few seconds ticking away, she entrusted a hug to her old friends.
She turns around
she walks to me.
Both her arms were almost up, i could feel myself being drawn to a hug.
"Oh why should i be enjoying this, the rest she hugged were girls..."
"I'm a guy, I'll give it amiss."
I thought.
My right hand gripped the camera even tighter, my mouth opened...
"What?" i asked her, as if i couldn't figure why her arms were outstretched.
She broke a tear, she made a smile.
I was cold but nevertheless, still me.
She continues and gives our choir leader a hug, the song writer a hug, my cousin a hug...
She removes her crumpler from her right shoulder..
And wore it across her shoulders.
She turns,
she leaves.
The security checks her, and she proceeds through the sliding glass doors.
She takes the step that'll finally make the difference:
Now she'll be so far, and yet also
so far to me.
The unfinished business stirs in my chest.
It isn't fun to owe a hug after all.
i was drunk in my delightful dinner and my thoughts were afray.
But the moment has come-
"she'll be leaving in 2 mins!"
"hurry let's take the photos!"
The excitement in their voices, how was one going to guess they'll eventually cry?
Right then, when the voices echoed in the rather, empty terminal 3, regrets then finally
crept to my mind.
Watched me grow, watched me learn.
Cared for me even when i was unlovable.
Taught me, fooled around with me- stepped down from her seniority
showed me grace, more importantly, love.
As i watched her back, my heart started to ache.
What'll only be 3 months starts becoming forever.
Photos taken, it was almost time, almost time to go.
With the few seconds ticking away, she entrusted a hug to her old friends.
She turns around
she walks to me.
Both her arms were almost up, i could feel myself being drawn to a hug.
"Oh why should i be enjoying this, the rest she hugged were girls..."
"I'm a guy, I'll give it amiss."
I thought.
My right hand gripped the camera even tighter, my mouth opened...
"What?" i asked her, as if i couldn't figure why her arms were outstretched.
She broke a tear, she made a smile.
I was cold but nevertheless, still me.
She continues and gives our choir leader a hug, the song writer a hug, my cousin a hug...
She removes her crumpler from her right shoulder..
And wore it across her shoulders.
She turns,
she leaves.
The security checks her, and she proceeds through the sliding glass doors.
She takes the step that'll finally make the difference:
Now she'll be so far, and yet also
so far to me.
The unfinished business stirs in my chest.
It isn't fun to owe a hug after all.
accepting
my stomach was like a void.
The steamboat dinner last night left me with a larger appetite, and an empty wallet.
The morning was screwed, wasted the remnants of my money to negate a portion of my late coming.
And such preservation wasn't even required, much less deserved.
Pw lecture was a grinding mill, breaking morales and spirits.
But right now, i just want to get over and done with this.
-maybe i should've disappeared, if not because i couldnt bear loneliness.
Its lunch time, and for once, after so long, i'm without a 10 dollar note in my wallet.
Holding the hunger was like the strain from withstanding a benchpress, but what my friends do
instead added more weights to the bar.
"I can lend you money wad.." he offers.
apparently then the fear of receiving help isnt quite a common fear.
I'm not much of a giver, much less in monetary terms.
Maybe its because im guilty, maybe its because i'm proud, but the next idea, her idea, placed me in the most torturous moment yet.
"We can all chip in 50 cents for his lunch" , "Then he'll have enough!"
Imagine splitting the torment into 5, with each split not lessening.
As the heavy 50cents coins slammed onto the table, my heart ache.
I was trying to reconcile love with the pain in my heart.
Again, she worries me the most- and hurts me the most.
Amidst the pain i see her innocent smile and for awhile im convinced again that only I
speak to myself.
What's so humiliating in being honoured?
What's so sad in receiving?
What's so bad in being loved?
What's so hard to let it flow?
what's so important i can't
let
go?
The steamboat dinner last night left me with a larger appetite, and an empty wallet.
The morning was screwed, wasted the remnants of my money to negate a portion of my late coming.
And such preservation wasn't even required, much less deserved.
Pw lecture was a grinding mill, breaking morales and spirits.
But right now, i just want to get over and done with this.
-maybe i should've disappeared, if not because i couldnt bear loneliness.
Its lunch time, and for once, after so long, i'm without a 10 dollar note in my wallet.
Holding the hunger was like the strain from withstanding a benchpress, but what my friends do
instead added more weights to the bar.
"I can lend you money wad.." he offers.
apparently then the fear of receiving help isnt quite a common fear.
I'm not much of a giver, much less in monetary terms.
Maybe its because im guilty, maybe its because i'm proud, but the next idea, her idea, placed me in the most torturous moment yet.
"We can all chip in 50 cents for his lunch" , "Then he'll have enough!"
Imagine splitting the torment into 5, with each split not lessening.
As the heavy 50cents coins slammed onto the table, my heart ache.
I was trying to reconcile love with the pain in my heart.
Again, she worries me the most- and hurts me the most.
Amidst the pain i see her innocent smile and for awhile im convinced again that only I
speak to myself.
What's so humiliating in being honoured?
What's so sad in receiving?
What's so bad in being loved?
What's so hard to let it flow?
what's so important i can't
let
go?
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