dear Lord dont be so far away!

I'm really stressed up now and things are just going wrong all over the place..
havent felt so scared and uncertain for a really long time..
and the last night before tomorrow, i have to spend alone?

sometimes i really regret doing what i did..
perhaps i should've kept her beside me.

today was great!

went to erin's house after meeting the guys at bangkit lrt.
Ate hell lot for lunch: two piece chicken, 1 medium whipped potato and 2 slices of 13" pizza?
after that we played tennis.. heh, getting kinda rusty.
swam, for the first time after YEARS! the last time i really swam was in sec 2. so doing some simple math, its been 4 years!
and you know, my leg soles dont cramp anymore.. guess i'll swim more in future.
after that was dinner.
A simple day huh? helped me hide the complexities in my head.

you know idiot, many people put good words for you.

yes i blog alot when im unhappy. maybe my life is destined for a lil' gloom..
since sadness brings out alot more of the good in me.

well, was pondering about a gp essay question: discuss the appeal of video games.

i think one big appeal is how life-like and yet ironically, evidently faux games are.
It allows the common man to enjoy and laugh at the perhaps serious and sorrow sides of life.
games for short, are sometimes brilliant simulations, playing intimate parodies of life.
After the hustle bustle and fearful brushes with unhappy, ominous occasions in life, there's this desire to run out of the unhappiness... and one way, is to laugh at the issue itself.
not only will this set us free, it will also leave behind hope and strength for the fight tomorrow- which people agree, happens every tomorrow.
So, not only do we enjoy, but we also require this particular release and rejuvenation video games bring about, and i guess our desire for it, becomes its appeal to us.

ahhh whatever, im still so sad.

frisbee, not boomerang.

He's a frisbee not a boomerang,
you can't just throw him away
He may not come back again...

how poetic...

forget about love

and so i took her number off my phone..

so that if its there again, it'll be because i asked her for it.

if love comes back again, it'll be because i asked her for it

if love comes back again, i swear it wont slip

i swear.

my legs have become so feeble i cant walk

walk damnit WALK! stop looking back already!
Stop gropping around for that elusive past
stop remembering the smiles and laughs!
Move on! WTH! Just GET MOVING!

i can't i really can't. there's no strength there's no will

you bag of maggot, backboneless pauper.
all you're left is a shell of your former
Now, get your act together..

I.. look, you're not even convincing.

curious isnt it? how a few months ago life had a reason

and after awhile the reason was redefined.. and whatever was there initially? its gone.

then after awhile the reason that was redefined loses its meaning.

and then its so hard to redefine the reason again.

how queer.

Oh God i feel like giving up..
i feeling like throwing in the towel on my homework and just head back to bed.
I dont feel like doing the work that is laid infront of me.

My Son, did Jesus not feel the same in gethsemane?
Did he not feel the struggle too?
Did he not wish the cup be passed from him
yet bit his lip and confess for 'your will be done'?

God surely you can give me some of that..
supernatural strength, to grit my teeth and hold on tight,
to see me through my darkest nights.
As surely as your eye is on the sparrow and the more it looks at me.
Surely I'm not alone... and every tear that falls, you catch and hold.

When the days are numbered and the hope is frail
I thank you for I slowly see you again when she's gone.
That though the days when she's not by my side- only then do i remember you..
Soon, I know, when she's back again, I'll see you clearer
Reminded that you O Lord are faithful and kind, and will never withdraw your hand from me.

A wall. insurmountable.

"forget about love, for love has forgotten me"
and so this means.. love has forgotten me too.

oh man idiot..
if only if i talked about this earlier..

oh God help me
I'm dead jealous

gimme a greater capacity!!

going home

"so what do you feel now?"

"feel like.. just go home.."

A profound answer my friends, have you heard it before?
Have you said it before have you felt it before?
When you heart is so cold and sunken
and the strength in your arms has faded away.

Just go home right? Home sweet home..
The shelter from heartbreaks.

everything's missing

There somethings i dont know if i can say
They're the same things that bug me everyday
You know the troubles you have in everyway..
I think they're here to stay

And which room in your heart will there be space for me
which moment in time can I talk about we?
Because you're so busy and so laden within
Our lives are so far from symphony.

There're so many things i wanna say to you
so many times i wished i got through
so many days dejected i left
Yet i know..you.. you're hurt too.

The picture of future seems absent of me
As the other photos hang tightly.. tightly to your closet doors
To your beloved phone.. to the hardisk and more..

We need to talk, with courage and all.

erin! i was gonna pounce on you and beat you up for putting me through a hellish afternoon!

that's what happens smart alek, when you try and meddle with subjects
you dont even have a clue about.
China studies.. pfft.
But now.. phew.

YOu know, she's been asking weird questions..
like.. why do guys forgive girls so easily?
why guys are...
how can guys be...?
I hope you arent love sick you dumb duck,
i've been there
forgotten how its like
reminded
think your heart's better off not broken.

have fun duck, dont be such a duck anymore.
Time you got on your feet and stop "dunno?" "anyhow la"
worries me sick.

ITS been 1 day... would the "IMUAT"s stop floating in my head
and come down for a rest already?

double funeral

The sherpard, the family, the lover me.
Who suffered the hardest tonight?
Who felt the deepest pain when my cousin breathed her last?
God, may i not be so insolent as to keep seeing my own problems and remain oblivious.

Tonight's a crazy night.. Been feeling so helpless so long.
I couldn't make ashley like me, i couldn't get her to forgive me, i couldn't put a peaceful end to my business.
At my cousin's house, i was so useless all i could do was help them remove and keep the foodtray.. Wth tuckyan! Wth freaking hell!
You're really useless. Really.

mixed feelings

you know, the moment you replied
"i miss asshole too" on monday, this question surfaced in my mind..
Is this another period of stress and vulnerability.. that makes you come back to me?
Do you actually still like me, or have you forgotten me?

Did you know that, a long time ago, before we started..
my oddly acute 6th sense told me not to proceed.
I could tell that things wont so easy.. but this time, i want to put my faith in you again
I really wish that things are as simple as they can be.

2 days have passed and for 2 times you slept so close to me
2 instances you were vulnerable and 2 instances i kept my grounds..
You'd say im decent and you respect me..
But you know.. i really wonder if my decency has been costing my chances..

When we were in the cinema today and you held my hands...
when your helplessness resurfaced again..
I could recall why i liked you in the first place.
But when it happened again and again, i could feel this pollutive emotion rising within..
and so i pushed your hands away.

I know you're a sensible girl.. so you must've felt it too.

I know that we're neither ready (and i feel you probably dont want to anymore ): )
But i really want you to know..
that i really want you.