perhaps. its just the disappointment
brought when vincent said its 42, and it was merely 31.
31 is a great number, many would wish for it, and i got it.
But I'm not happy, why don't they believe me.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
persevere
ripped this off grace's blog.
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
my jaws dropped. Literally. And they dropped really far.
My mind winced in the horrible pain from torrents of regret.
"i wish i had known! if i had known!"
I've never seen such a beautiful phrase like this. guess who wrote it? Mother T.
JAWS DROPPED until there was a crashing sound downstairs...
(since it didnt hurt grace to steal from that old woman, i think i reserve rights to rip this off. hahaha)
Imagine...
just imagine if your boyfriend says that to you today, after you've terribly upsetted him.
If you were a girl, and profess to be one, your heart'd melt into flowing streams.
hahaha. gosh.
now now, when's my opportunity to use this phrase?
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
my jaws dropped. Literally. And they dropped really far.
My mind winced in the horrible pain from torrents of regret.
"i wish i had known! if i had known!"
I've never seen such a beautiful phrase like this. guess who wrote it? Mother T.
JAWS DROPPED until there was a crashing sound downstairs...
(since it didnt hurt grace to steal from that old woman, i think i reserve rights to rip this off. hahaha)
Imagine...
just imagine if your boyfriend says that to you today, after you've terribly upsetted him.
If you were a girl, and profess to be one, your heart'd melt into flowing streams.
hahaha. gosh.
now now, when's my opportunity to use this phrase?
is the rage justifiable?
http://sg.news.yahoo.com/cna/20090324/tap-290-woman-killed-hit-train-clementi-231650b.html
I can't.. feel any sense of pity or sympathy at all. I don't know why.
This morning as I stepped on the elevator at dover mrt, i was soooo looking forward to actually board the mrt.
And when i heard that there was a problem in the east line, I was just utterly disappointed.
When i heard that someone died, i was indifferent. When I heard that its suicide, i was fuming.
I cannot understand why people would allow pity to overtake them like that.
Jumping into the tracks just the split moment before the train to guarantee their instant mincing.
Its been clementi, many times. Some survived, some dont.
One thing for sure, they caused alot of trouble.
From the lakeside suicide that garnered donations, to the clementi boyfriend pretending to suicide, i just don't see any place where i can be sorry for anyone who tries track suiciding.
It's like... you planned for it so damn well, so if you die (as planned) i should be congratulating right?
So, on top of the congratulation, i couldn't board the train to school, i had to take a car.
A car which by extraordinary chance came.
I can't see how a foolish suicide choice should've thrown the lives of many 6000odd people into disarray, i cant see how her choice should've made my punctuality be subjected to luck.
is my rage justifiable?
I don't think so, my head knows but my heart cannot concur.
I can't.. feel any sense of pity or sympathy at all. I don't know why.
This morning as I stepped on the elevator at dover mrt, i was soooo looking forward to actually board the mrt.
And when i heard that there was a problem in the east line, I was just utterly disappointed.
When i heard that someone died, i was indifferent. When I heard that its suicide, i was fuming.
I cannot understand why people would allow pity to overtake them like that.
Jumping into the tracks just the split moment before the train to guarantee their instant mincing.
Its been clementi, many times. Some survived, some dont.
One thing for sure, they caused alot of trouble.
From the lakeside suicide that garnered donations, to the clementi boyfriend pretending to suicide, i just don't see any place where i can be sorry for anyone who tries track suiciding.
It's like... you planned for it so damn well, so if you die (as planned) i should be congratulating right?
So, on top of the congratulation, i couldn't board the train to school, i had to take a car.
A car which by extraordinary chance came.
I can't see how a foolish suicide choice should've thrown the lives of many 6000odd people into disarray, i cant see how her choice should've made my punctuality be subjected to luck.
is my rage justifiable?
I don't think so, my head knows but my heart cannot concur.
Monday, March 23, 2009
old friends.
ARGH... POST COMMON TEST BLUESS.
i looked back at this video on facebook. And i realised how wrong, how wrong i was
when i said: i don't think i've a single good friend.
I was wrong. I don't know why i say certain things
But those arms that rode my shoulders, those eyes that turned towards me when i walked through that door..
They were signs of friendship i couldn't see, but my friends trusted me to feel.
Perhaps humans (especially me, who is perhaps, too human) are really feeble.
Why do we always need to be a 3rd party before we can see?
Why must affection wait for retrospect before it resounds?
eh wait. timetosleep
DOn't screw up tomorrow, the world's watching.
i looked back at this video on facebook. And i realised how wrong, how wrong i was
when i said: i don't think i've a single good friend.
I was wrong. I don't know why i say certain things
But those arms that rode my shoulders, those eyes that turned towards me when i walked through that door..
They were signs of friendship i couldn't see, but my friends trusted me to feel.
Perhaps humans (especially me, who is perhaps, too human) are really feeble.
Why do we always need to be a 3rd party before we can see?
Why must affection wait for retrospect before it resounds?
eh wait. timetosleep
DOn't screw up tomorrow, the world's watching.
early morning
1 more day to 4 days of doom...
This feeling isn't sinking far enough.
the feeling of doom still feels so alien
and disaster still feels distant.
But hey man, do you know, it crouches at your doorstep
ready to slay you the moment you leave house tomorrow?
He's a floor away and he climbs those spiral steps in the stairwell.
His eyes are glassy, his breathes of death, his nails... those long claws
Are ready to tear you apart. He's coming and his vile heart beats of wild excitement
You in all your splendour of ignorance, your death is a passing phase, not worth remembering.
He reaches the door, and a knock goes off, you approach to open it, to greet a delivery man or so
but doom has reached the end of the screen, doom is here.
This feeling isn't sinking far enough.
the feeling of doom still feels so alien
and disaster still feels distant.
But hey man, do you know, it crouches at your doorstep
ready to slay you the moment you leave house tomorrow?
He's a floor away and he climbs those spiral steps in the stairwell.
His eyes are glassy, his breathes of death, his nails... those long claws
Are ready to tear you apart. He's coming and his vile heart beats of wild excitement
You in all your splendour of ignorance, your death is a passing phase, not worth remembering.
He reaches the door, and a knock goes off, you approach to open it, to greet a delivery man or so
but doom has reached the end of the screen, doom is here.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
margaretna
Its amazing how i got your name spelled out right.
Hello margaretna, if you read today, you're a little early. This post is your birthday present.
I write this post because i've already deemed it impossible for anymore development of friendship or any kind of relationship with you. So i thought, maybe you should know...
I remember vividly how it felt like when we exchanged our first sentences.
"excuse me, how do you pronounce this?"
"mar-gar-ret-na"
"mar-ga-ret-na?"
"yeah"
from the first incident, i already felt obliged to take responsibility for you.
"weren't you guys told that you were supposed to report in school uniform?"
"err.. No?" Your confused appearance moved me to intercede for you.
As i looked at your chubby cheeks and perfect smile, your DEFINITELY undersized shirt and your maroon skirt, somehow i really wanted to know you more.
And there, i fought with reasons why the club needs you.
Some time later, it was the first club meeting. You couldn't make it, you had dance.
Somehow the margaretna then didnt look like the one during the interview. You must have grown over the short period of time.. you must have..
You looked great in your jazz pants (were they?), i wished i could walk you over to the arcadia, i really wished.
But somehow deep inside, i felt a surge of everything but pure rising within. I knew that
neutral intentions were being conquered with motives, and i couldn't bear to see you longer.
After dance remember how we met? You and qs, sipping away some drinks at the cafe..
Sitting over, then, as vice president, i was overjoyed to hear of the dance plight.
Almost confident i'd win you over to ambassadors, i began telling you, undaunted, reasons why
you should be in the club.
But it was a mistake, i was wrong. I got a shock I could not get over when i went home and saw your blog.
I was offering things you aren't really made for, and from then, i was almost certain
you wouldnt stay.
It took 1 more week to confirm my dismay. When you came and you told me how disappointed you were, i knew the disappointment would kill you someday.
I knew that someday you'll back out, and i'll never see you again.
Foolishly i hoped that some untold luck, would grace our paths and make them straight.
But no, they wouldn't and i knew for once, that our paths will never meet again.
I tried many ways to remain contact, but slowly my courage started to fade away.
I asked myself for compelling reasons, concrete ones that can convince myself why anything would work out, you were right, i think i fell for you.
Knowing that you were a christian didnt help ease the pain, from where i were standing i could see that our paths were straying further and further. And there was nothing i could do, and i had got no courage left to use.
Different people, bound for different paths, thats what we are.
Its sad isn't it, perhaps you won't feel it. But time i recall that enthusiastic smile across your face, I wince in pain of this searing loss.
Happy Birthday Margaretna,
O can you sympathise?
Hello margaretna, if you read today, you're a little early. This post is your birthday present.
I write this post because i've already deemed it impossible for anymore development of friendship or any kind of relationship with you. So i thought, maybe you should know...
I remember vividly how it felt like when we exchanged our first sentences.
"excuse me, how do you pronounce this?"
"mar-gar-ret-na"
"mar-ga-ret-na?"
"yeah"
from the first incident, i already felt obliged to take responsibility for you.
"weren't you guys told that you were supposed to report in school uniform?"
"err.. No?" Your confused appearance moved me to intercede for you.
As i looked at your chubby cheeks and perfect smile, your DEFINITELY undersized shirt and your maroon skirt, somehow i really wanted to know you more.
And there, i fought with reasons why the club needs you.
Some time later, it was the first club meeting. You couldn't make it, you had dance.
Somehow the margaretna then didnt look like the one during the interview. You must have grown over the short period of time.. you must have..
You looked great in your jazz pants (were they?), i wished i could walk you over to the arcadia, i really wished.
But somehow deep inside, i felt a surge of everything but pure rising within. I knew that
neutral intentions were being conquered with motives, and i couldn't bear to see you longer.
After dance remember how we met? You and qs, sipping away some drinks at the cafe..
Sitting over, then, as vice president, i was overjoyed to hear of the dance plight.
Almost confident i'd win you over to ambassadors, i began telling you, undaunted, reasons why
you should be in the club.
But it was a mistake, i was wrong. I got a shock I could not get over when i went home and saw your blog.
I was offering things you aren't really made for, and from then, i was almost certain
you wouldnt stay.
It took 1 more week to confirm my dismay. When you came and you told me how disappointed you were, i knew the disappointment would kill you someday.
I knew that someday you'll back out, and i'll never see you again.
Foolishly i hoped that some untold luck, would grace our paths and make them straight.
But no, they wouldn't and i knew for once, that our paths will never meet again.
I tried many ways to remain contact, but slowly my courage started to fade away.
I asked myself for compelling reasons, concrete ones that can convince myself why anything would work out, you were right, i think i fell for you.
Knowing that you were a christian didnt help ease the pain, from where i were standing i could see that our paths were straying further and further. And there was nothing i could do, and i had got no courage left to use.
Different people, bound for different paths, thats what we are.
Its sad isn't it, perhaps you won't feel it. But time i recall that enthusiastic smile across your face, I wince in pain of this searing loss.
Happy Birthday Margaretna,
O can you sympathise?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
yet another...
you know that girl, the tanned, tall one with those thick sexy lips...
the one with the low voice that is.. oh sexy too!
The one whose return from canada all the guys are celebrating?
Yeah that one... i hate following the crowd... but i think.. i think..
i like her too.
but she's back with an american slang. And jerome... he's the best candidate i guess.
He's so strong, plays soccer so well... Surely, like every other girl, she'll like him.
Oh man, but she's so damn pretty...
She's... WAIT! She's walking towards the bus stop! WTH!
Pretend... quick! Pretend like you're glancing at the mystical lamp post!
Okay, peek! Good, she didnt notice you.
Alright, continue making sense out of the lamp post!
she uh... what bus is she taking? Do you think she lives near me?
Is she going to take 166, 14, 74 or.... oh no, dont tell me she's taking that 196...
OH! She isnt! hahhaha got chance!
wait..! Arrgh! Not that 33! She's walking towards the door...
Oh, she puts up her hand and bids eunice farewell. PHEW.
oh look, 74's coming.. She fishes out her wallet...
The bus stops and and the door flings open, her left leg boards the first step.
What should i do? Should i go there... act friendly and go "hi! you taking 74 too? Me TOO!"
or no, maybe i should be more cool.. "hey, welcome back man. I didnt realise you took 74 in the past"
yeah yeah. maybe i should... no, i cannot.
she'll... she will probably just look down on me.
She'll probably think I'm a pest!
Go! NO! GO! NO. NO!
NO GO!
There she does you gutless coward... when will you get a golden opportunity like this?
eh wait. why am i thinking so much? I'm just a primary 3 kid afterall...
the one with the low voice that is.. oh sexy too!
The one whose return from canada all the guys are celebrating?
Yeah that one... i hate following the crowd... but i think.. i think..
i like her too.
but she's back with an american slang. And jerome... he's the best candidate i guess.
He's so strong, plays soccer so well... Surely, like every other girl, she'll like him.
Oh man, but she's so damn pretty...
She's... WAIT! She's walking towards the bus stop! WTH!
Pretend... quick! Pretend like you're glancing at the mystical lamp post!
Okay, peek! Good, she didnt notice you.
Alright, continue making sense out of the lamp post!
she uh... what bus is she taking? Do you think she lives near me?
Is she going to take 166, 14, 74 or.... oh no, dont tell me she's taking that 196...
OH! She isnt! hahhaha got chance!
wait..! Arrgh! Not that 33! She's walking towards the door...
Oh, she puts up her hand and bids eunice farewell. PHEW.
oh look, 74's coming.. She fishes out her wallet...
The bus stops and and the door flings open, her left leg boards the first step.
What should i do? Should i go there... act friendly and go "hi! you taking 74 too? Me TOO!"
or no, maybe i should be more cool.. "hey, welcome back man. I didnt realise you took 74 in the past"
yeah yeah. maybe i should... no, i cannot.
she'll... she will probably just look down on me.
She'll probably think I'm a pest!
Go! NO! GO! NO. NO!
NO GO!
There she does you gutless coward... when will you get a golden opportunity like this?
eh wait. why am i thinking so much? I'm just a primary 3 kid afterall...
"The thing is that... people talk about having not enough money to support their current lifestyle. But, i don't see them taking up a second job like the people used to last time"
"so..." i asked. "The people appear to be just not that desperate enough!"
"haha!"
"hahahah!" he joins in. Tonning down, he replies "Now, i wouldn't really say that!" "Perhaps it is an evolution of mindsets. Its not that people are not desperate, its just that taking up a 2nd job probably never crossed their minds before!"
"In times like this, the solutions appear to them as getting a better paying job, or obtaining any form of assistance."
For their unceasing efforts to encourage students, and maintain neutral, positive, un-judgemental views about the public, i hereby salute the ministers of singapore.
"so..." i asked. "The people appear to be just not that desperate enough!"
"haha!"
"hahahah!" he joins in. Tonning down, he replies "Now, i wouldn't really say that!" "Perhaps it is an evolution of mindsets. Its not that people are not desperate, its just that taking up a 2nd job probably never crossed their minds before!"
"In times like this, the solutions appear to them as getting a better paying job, or obtaining any form of assistance."
For their unceasing efforts to encourage students, and maintain neutral, positive, un-judgemental views about the public, i hereby salute the ministers of singapore.
Friday, March 20, 2009
waste.
This week has been spent regretfully.
The week is replete (new word learnt today) with repetitive wastage of time.
Its just pre U sem squandering, no self control in partying and finally, spending
an untold, obscene amount of time on msn, talking.
I start to wonder, in through the current cloud of headache caressing my head,
i wonder if i'm too human.
What too human? TOO WEAK! NO RESOLVE! ARGH!
you guys must wonder: how does it feel to interview ministers?
well anyway. so i went to ____&______ on thursday.
I've gotta tell you, that place was luxurious. Simply luxurious.
The view of the CBD is amazingly akin to the one we see on television. Tainted glass,
city view.. you get it?
I got really hyped up about meeting a minister. Perhaps indeed people do
make the government out to be something just.. a cut above, just some
lofty standard the rest of us will never reach.
But i tell you. Someday, someday i can be there.
so there they were with their well practiced smile, their unblemished articulation
of fluent flowing string of lingual material.
But look closely and expose it all. Perhaps they aren't so unthinkable afterall!
Perhaps I have extreme high expectations, perhaps... I cant help but keep seeing that I may
be SORELY WRONG about the world and its standards... the world.. it just doesnt
seem so great anymore. Its standards... arent much after all.
（btw, i really dont want to get arrested for writing this, i really didnt say that ministers are lousy, i said " perhaps i have extreme high expectations")
i walked out of the conference room feeling rather faint. I've never been so tensed for so long in my life. Then again, maybe my tension wasn't necessary.
again i feel i can speak (after the teachers demanded that i suck at enunciating). Maybe, that's about the best thing i got from the encounter: a fragment of confidence.
well bk drumlets were quite nice. And that summed up my day on thursday.
You must think, MAN! YOUR LIFE IS UTTERLY BORING!
it isnt, i think, i just make it out to be.
The week is replete (new word learnt today) with repetitive wastage of time.
Its just pre U sem squandering, no self control in partying and finally, spending
an untold, obscene amount of time on msn, talking.
I start to wonder, in through the current cloud of headache caressing my head,
i wonder if i'm too human.
What too human? TOO WEAK! NO RESOLVE! ARGH!
you guys must wonder: how does it feel to interview ministers?
well anyway. so i went to ____&______ on thursday.
I've gotta tell you, that place was luxurious. Simply luxurious.
The view of the CBD is amazingly akin to the one we see on television. Tainted glass,
city view.. you get it?
I got really hyped up about meeting a minister. Perhaps indeed people do
make the government out to be something just.. a cut above, just some
lofty standard the rest of us will never reach.
But i tell you. Someday, someday i can be there.
so there they were with their well practiced smile, their unblemished articulation
of fluent flowing string of lingual material.
But look closely and expose it all. Perhaps they aren't so unthinkable afterall!
Perhaps I have extreme high expectations, perhaps... I cant help but keep seeing that I may
be SORELY WRONG about the world and its standards... the world.. it just doesnt
seem so great anymore. Its standards... arent much after all.
（btw, i really dont want to get arrested for writing this, i really didnt say that ministers are lousy, i said " perhaps i have extreme high expectations")
i walked out of the conference room feeling rather faint. I've never been so tensed for so long in my life. Then again, maybe my tension wasn't necessary.
again i feel i can speak (after the teachers demanded that i suck at enunciating). Maybe, that's about the best thing i got from the encounter: a fragment of confidence.
well bk drumlets were quite nice. And that summed up my day on thursday.
You must think, MAN! YOUR LIFE IS UTTERLY BORING!
it isnt, i think, i just make it out to be.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
happiness
when others sound so happy, when others are in love
what part do i play in their exclusive happiness?
back off tuckyan, just back off.
Kill your feelings before they hurt someone
Turn cold before you refill her guilt
back off tuckyan, back right off
You claim to love, but you... its for yourself.
take a step back, grow up.
what part do i play in their exclusive happiness?
back off tuckyan, just back off.
Kill your feelings before they hurt someone
Turn cold before you refill her guilt
back off tuckyan, back right off
You claim to love, but you... its for yourself.
take a step back, grow up.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
coming to terms
And when our paths literally crossed, all was swept away.
Its just me, you and an oddly tight corridoor.
I smile and I wonder how I look, its been quite sometime.
I think and I hope, I'm not yet another passing phase in your life.
And that's when you passed me, and time dialates.
The smile still carried on your face, gave me plenty of answers.
Its a sour feeling, because someday this'll degenerate
And when we meet, what we have in common becomes but the smile on our faces.
Mourning over the possibility, I couldn't help but recall
the brief moments our paths coincided.
I cannot imagine (and stand awe struck) at how circumstances like threads,
came and wove our lives together.
I tried to keep the sewing on, but now I am convinced
Its okay if life is so picky on who comes together and who don't
Because we then recognize, and treasure the ones who will always be around.
As a consolation, i form part of that juxtaposition.
Its just me, you and an oddly tight corridoor.
I smile and I wonder how I look, its been quite sometime.
I think and I hope, I'm not yet another passing phase in your life.
And that's when you passed me, and time dialates.
The smile still carried on your face, gave me plenty of answers.
Its a sour feeling, because someday this'll degenerate
And when we meet, what we have in common becomes but the smile on our faces.
Mourning over the possibility, I couldn't help but recall
the brief moments our paths coincided.
I cannot imagine (and stand awe struck) at how circumstances like threads,
came and wove our lives together.
I tried to keep the sewing on, but now I am convinced
Its okay if life is so picky on who comes together and who don't
Because we then recognize, and treasure the ones who will always be around.
As a consolation, i form part of that juxtaposition.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
don't try guessing
Before i sleep and fall into a deep slumber,
there's a ripple in the pond of my mind.
This girl is merrily singing away, she throws her pebbles
one after another, she breaks the smooth glossy surface.
Ripple ripple, my thoughts come alive, she becomes a memory i cannot forget
but I place her here, in this safe anonymous haven so i can sleep, yet peaceful again.
She's a distant soul, propped in the extreme eastern Singapore.
There her house sits near the coast, there her surname has been grown.
As i watched the breaking waves, i couldnt help but sigh
painfully i recall the mere minutes we had shared.
pass us by into the fading memories, drowned in the sea
Somewhere along the horizons, there were visages of kyakers.
And not too long ago, we both were part of an expedition.
But far too little times our kayaks collided, and when we did, frowns were exchanged.
Yet I could not notice that smile she had, when i encouraged her to move on.
So that delightful maiden who lives by the sea and is named by the sea
Met and bewitched me on the sea.
So, often i find myself in the eastern end of singapore,
looking frantically for that angelic face
and i'd go "hey Sea!" and she'd turn around, amazed to find me. (hopefully)
But the sea is too big and i have yet to find my angel.
And i start to wonder if its a crime to dream.
there's a ripple in the pond of my mind.
This girl is merrily singing away, she throws her pebbles
one after another, she breaks the smooth glossy surface.
Ripple ripple, my thoughts come alive, she becomes a memory i cannot forget
but I place her here, in this safe anonymous haven so i can sleep, yet peaceful again.
She's a distant soul, propped in the extreme eastern Singapore.
There her house sits near the coast, there her surname has been grown.
As i watched the breaking waves, i couldnt help but sigh
painfully i recall the mere minutes we had shared.
pass us by into the fading memories, drowned in the sea
Somewhere along the horizons, there were visages of kyakers.
And not too long ago, we both were part of an expedition.
But far too little times our kayaks collided, and when we did, frowns were exchanged.
Yet I could not notice that smile she had, when i encouraged her to move on.
So that delightful maiden who lives by the sea and is named by the sea
Met and bewitched me on the sea.
So, often i find myself in the eastern end of singapore,
looking frantically for that angelic face
and i'd go "hey Sea!" and she'd turn around, amazed to find me. (hopefully)
But the sea is too big and i have yet to find my angel.
And i start to wonder if its a crime to dream.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
photos.
And so magically we became friends, on facebook.
I don't know why but i couldnt help
to feel that hurting plunge inside.
As I see her smiles engraved on those photos
I become so sure i'll never have a part
Cauz' the reasons why this came about
Disappeared as she left abrupt.
And so the photos that touched my heart
Of those that disgust and wince me hard
Of those that reminded me of foolish times
Of times merely worth to leave behind.
There, old hideous past
Reflected on that same hideous face.
I simply cannot reunite
How the face and life could coincide.
Oh, if i would stop rumbling and doubting
But have faith for another light.
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