ah there should be a farewell post..
but what the heck, i always end up saying reckless things i rather just..

oh why why, its a mission trip, stories come after.

its days like these approaching the end
where i find myself on my knees
recounting the past events, each representing itself as 'a regret'
as i recalled the glorious morning i stood before the school
and declared that i was going to be the next top scorer
as i read in the bible that i should study for the Glory of God
shortly after which i grit my teeth to finish a math tutorial
As i remember how i stubbornly pursued an unbeliever
how i laid down my time to teach erin chem
how i gave my friends an impression that i was really cocky
how i wriggled past my promotional exams.
how i renewed a spirit of combat to deal with the 2nd year
how i patted myself on the back for having found 'true' love.

and then..
how i frenzied myself in a lunatic sacrifice of some of my friends just to spend time with her
how i protested against the clique's outing methods
how i broke into tears and stretched my arm towards the ceiling
and cried "God if you're there, grab my hand and tell me everything's going to be alright"
how i pretended like i was cool with everything she did
how i hopelessly conned myself into believing that there was still chance.
how i lied about liking a tennis girl from tpjc
how i said to myself, 100th day, on the 100th day i'll study
how i eventually did, and stopped on the 101st
how my life became incredibly screwed up
how i let erin down
how i wished i could say something, just to get my tongue caught because my credibility's gone.
how i wish this and wished that

how i stare blank-eyed at the complete miss of all my targets.

and i wonder to myself.. dear Lord, why did you salvage my academics.
why have you sent me on journeys to the airport?
why is this mind still preservered and not worm eaten together with everything else?

and i cannot help but say
Glory to the Lord, always.
His ways are higher than mine, and through the mess His plan unwinds.
oh if i had more faith, if only i listened..

interesting.
the new channel 8 show.
This girl was getting spooked out by what some guy was saying about ghosts.
She was in a rubbish refuse centre when she got really afraid.
She cried for buddha, goddess of mercy..

and finally.
she even cried for Jesus.

Wow, im.. what's this singapore? your idea of religious harmony?

at the face of a photo of happy memories.
to the people who're still living in the carefree period even i enjoyed
Those secondary school days..

Treasure those days.
Someday in the future life becomes something else.
In the thick of it all, you'll forget how it felt like.
Forget why you smiled and lost your mind.

anti-study, the force of evil

anti-study, the force of evil

i was too naive to think that isolating myself from the singaporean world at our beloved airport was the solution studying.
Oh how i missed the point and how foolish i were.

When its 11 and the sun comes out to shine, you sip your burger king hot tea and study, so confidently that you were breezing through the 2007 A level paper like it was a joke.

and then, the infinitely long hands of distraction came, in a form whereby you are blinded by a sense of duty, and productivity when you entertain tourists for about 3 hours straight
then you look at your phone and remark to yourself, time really flies!
and you wonder what untold horrors are there about slacking, look even the airport cant save you, maybe you might consider taking a budget airline from budget terminal for the truly sweet escape

I'm incredibly delighted by the knocking and drilling goin' on in my neighbour's house upstairs.
Its really awesome. I mean, first people burn stuff when you're studying for prelims.. and then they start picking auspicious dates for renovation.
Its great. Go on, drill, dont stop.

love, at a price.

Dear YS
I dont know why your tone changed when i shared that i've been trying to get over 2 girls, at the same time. What i speculate is, either im overreacting, or you're holding so fast to your belief in "true love".
You know, sometimes i doubt anyone really understands what i mean when i say i like somebody.
Most people refuse to be honest with themselves, thinking that a 'better' word, 'infatuation' will do them justice.
I dont want to judge them, but they can be wrong about themselves, unwilling to admit the weakness they share along with me, and happily absolving their guilt with a change of words.
Of course when we say "get over" it really means that the liking goes beyond secret admiring. That perhaps some course of action had been considered... and perhaps carried out fully or partially.
What i want to tell you is this: love isnt some lovey dovey thingy that happens when 2 people are inclined towards one another.
Love comes at a price, and that price i believe, is incurred at the choice.
I've always told myself, and now i tell you: dont be ridiculous, you may be destined for a certain person (infact i fancy the idea that humans are created in pairs) but until we're married we'll never know who that other half of a pair is. So since we'll never know, until we view, perhaps 1 second, perhaps a handful of years, from retrospect. Therefore, since we'll never know, dont imagine love to be a downstream river flow that guides you on a linear path...
The reality is that we make choices everyday. And the reality is also that at this given time, we cannot say confidently (and insolently) that we'll end up with anybody. Anything can happen. Sure i may confidently say that i'll not end up with an ahlian... or some random woman in africa- fair enough. But as far as im concerned, every decent lady around my age... is a door that can be opened, but only one of which i'll be stepping into.
Hence, you think to yourself. Oh no, tuckyan is yet another jerk who flirts with girls and stuff, he didnt really love his girlfriend!
WOMAN, let me tell you this, love started when i chose her. When i've decided that no matter how some other girl may appear to be more attractive, i'll be staying together with her, enjoying her, sacrificing for her and try to keep her i proved my love..
Do you understand?
Now wake up from your fairy tale and spare me any look of disgust.
So perhaps girls are frightfully faithful and only like 1 guy at any one given time.
Great, now i told you that not all guys are the same as girls.. and for those of them, they try ever harder.

letter

some days ago i was sitting on a boat.
The seat was really uncomfortable, with the foam under the sheets all worn out
and bits and pieces were scattered on the floor beneath it.
i was with my family and no, i wasn't on a cruise.
I was on a humble boat on my way to tekong to send my brother into army.

Seated somewhere at a corner, i saw another family...
that guy.. he had a really fine looking girlfriend.
So for the next 5 mins, i projected images of girls i knew into the nearly empty cabin scene.
and from the lot of them, i figured: you.

The next few months are months we're all well acquainted with.
Today, i received my enlistment.

A torrent of re-regrets surged in my mind as my dad mentioned regarding the 4 spaces provided for members of family.
I always figured i can take you on the boat, because my brother likely cannot make it.
Everyone knows, but not everyone admits, the unwanted power of emotions.
I can see it already, as i walk along the piers to the boat, alone.. as the idea of sailing alone dominates my mind,
I will be so down there'll be no turning back for me.
If things reach there, maybe.. maybe..

call me a complete fool who has to eat shit and die
but when i have a fever, i suspect my head becomes sensitive to radiation.
lol
like, sitting in front of the computer and having radiation blown into my face from the screen makes my head hurt.
and if my head suddenly hurts, i can almost anticipate with 100% accuracy a message flying into my handphone.

well.. maybe its just freak coincidence.

anyway, today i finally made it to school.
The train ride was the most appetising welcome-back ceremony.
While walking to the escalator, i saw a man running, then i saw a few aunties running, being kiasu and just following the man blindly.
I mean, anyone with a deductive mind should be able to infer that an escalator ride wouldnt take 2 mins and make you miss the train, which was arriving in.. 2mins.
then there's this hippie who obviously, besides being kiasu, was happily subscribing to post modernism and the wanna-be-different atmosphere.
Standing rather still on the escalator when the train was already coming to a stop for its doors to open.
The same hippie ran into the same cabin as me, and he was smiling, almost too pleased with himself.
Here's the welcome:
a flood of putrid gases engulfed the entire cabin and sent my throat back 300000thousand floors into hell.
luckily the lozenges were incredible.
and i managed to ensure that i'll be going back to school tomorrow for farewell ceremony. PHEW.

And every moment under the street lamp
I run and chase my shadow so hard
I endlessly retreat from the unveiling light,
trying, striving set things in place
dodging and repairing, my life to rewrite


and again i'm chasing after the wind
which blows over the earth where my dreams had been
too many mistakes too many faults
i'm torn asunder, and progressed have not.

One avenue, i visited not
and stubbornly refuse till my toes are grey
Oh the only way, as is declared
Shatter and mend me, tis' all i pray.

as my head dipped silently amidst the crowd
you, you were the only one who could see me
the only one who understood from the accumulation under my eyes
interpreted from the invisible streaks across my face.

There and then in moments where i bore the burden
Where others took for granted and dismissed in smiles..

the times i craved to bury
my head into your embrace
and admit the weaknesses i tried to erase..

ask

there's one thing i died trying to ask you.
when you said
"im sorry i wasnt there for you" did you mean it?
In the rubble of my troubles, honestly the last thing i need, is lip service.

well mei, while you're away, MIA again for a reason i cannot fathom
i figured maybe you wanna know how i fared for prelims.
In short, only math disappointed me this time..
somehow im still a far cry from mustering any weapon to deal with my pure math.
i didnt do well.. i managed a D. dunno what happened, and dont ask.

physics sure paid off, an expected A, came as expected.

Gp was a pleasant surprise with something ugly thrown in.
33 for compre and essay only managed 25.
almost topped the class again.. its queer, its finally my essays stumbling me.

well anyway,econs is a B, pending.
waiting for my case studies to hail the verdict.

chemistry is, well who knows. anything can happen.

AHh firstly, what am i doing watching channel 8 drama?
It's but a repetition of getting together of couples..
and then the girl finding her old flame.. and choose to make the new guy sacrifice.

Tragic huh, familiar.

Brings me back to a certain birthday party i shall not name.
It was a really awkward day.
Before everything happened, i really enjoyed my time with the hostess.
with her friends and classmates, we were talking and having lots of fun.

and then, 2 other guys came.
Each one carried a different, but special and more importantly, history.
Things were okay, but you see, she didnt really attend to either of them.
IN MY MIND,
there was already a storm brewing, i wondered to myself what reasons could possibly substantiate such a scenario..

So i spent sometime with the maids.. who were doing bbq,
Talked and found out a little more about the situation... and more about one of those guys.
meanwhile, the charcoal was too hot and they burnt up some sausages and prawns.

Then came the climax, the phototaking.
I won't elaborate, but one of those guys? He was standing rather far away..
It must've hurt him like nuts, some birthdays before.. and things were different..
nobody was closer to her than he was.

oh well..
As i left the house under the dark night sky where the street was illuminated with the faint orange street lamp glow, i felt kinda sad.
Looking up to the black bony branches with the deep blue sky casted behind, there was this familiar feeling..
the same branches matched a cloudy rainy sky, the same branches with a melancholic sunset.
As chords of faint music make their way to my ears, i couldn't help feeling the least of all.


Yet that was just an emotional phase, reality my friend, is way harsher.

greenhorn vs greenspan

4th June 09, tuck yan stood up in the lecture hall, he proposed that the free market, like any other market we've rejected, has failed. This time, its serious because it is incompatible with human nature, greed.

Few months later, alan greenspan borrows the same words, turning up on TIMES magazine verbatim section..
'unless somebody can find a way to change human nature, we will have more crises'

I swear people have regard for words based nearly soley on the babbler. Few weeks down the road, conceited students who scorned my words will find themselves haplessly copying the very same words, except supposedly otherworldly empowered by the man.

By the way alan, christianity can change the human nature, believe it.. Don't let your wrinkles consume you.

in focus

He is finally trailing.. his voice is becoming muffled..
Watch time slow down in attempt to capture the picture..

Beads of tears draw mark their trails, her hand reached to grab the sitting belt.
She clutched her chest, bearing the grimace, braving the irony that was driving her crazy
She turns behind.. and sees him, but he's fading away as the sun swallows him in the horizon.
The belt was constricting.. now just glancing back from the corner of her eye..
The strain commenced to blanket her eyes, forcing her view back to the front
the tears now making their way..
making their way down a hapless free fall onto her jeans.

Because.. somewhere along that faithful sunset, he disappeared.

Back in focus, there is a man driving.. his face.. it's greyed out.
Her shirt crumpled under her immense grip..
This is the start.. of something old.

Still i wonder if you ever went through all that.
And i wonder if it'll be any encouragement to me if even that was true.

Isn't there someone.. we've collectively forgotten?

there's one reccurring fact
that represents itself

Humans, we don't quite try hard enough

or is our hardest NEVER enough?

come on now don't play the saint
you know your own incurable laziness
but curiously the question raised
isn't about you and that facade you paint

It is about the possibility out there
that when we try our hardest hardest
we might really, really achieve something, yeah.

Just think about the times you gave up on someone
Or the lies you claim about your ipod complimenting studies
only to end up lost in within as the songs stealthily devoured your time

Think about that 'one last movie' 'facebook updates' 'swift dota game'
the 5 more minutes and the 1 more cookie
oh go dance in the rain, may it clear up your brain
for you to see with moisten eyes that the work you put in isnt as hard as you claimed.

For me.. for now, i can just wonder why im even blogging.

regardless.. at this point in time..
stand by me, give me power.

dont know what to think anymore

but it doesnt matter anymore

one day there'll no longer be a need to.

With prelims before me, i took a peek behind.
I saw the fleet footed past 2 years rampaging behind.
headed straight for me, an unstoppable raging torrent.

i sure could choose to step aside, for the corridoor of time is timelessly narrow.

the achievments, the dreams, the stupidity the hurts
the glory, the moments of natural.. and the forced.
turning to the side, i'm just glad we decided to walk to your house.
so i could timely mention.. that if given a chance, for once..
just for once, i'll re-live these 2 heavy years..
to set everything right, to not have liked you..
to not have joined ambassadors, to have submitted my homework..
to have remained anti social, to not have mixed with the popular bunch
to have studied for gp, to have remained humble
to have tried harder to keep our OG together
to have continued studying chemistry with you, to have cleared my mathematics problems
to have appreciated physics, to have gymned while i can
to not have joined pre-u seminar, to have followed mr tham's ideas
to not have tried to be clever, to not have attempted to chase after the unthinkable
to have been more of a moron, to have had little courage before girls
to have been a better christian, to have picked up the bible
to have set a better example for jason, to have made my worship leading sessions more fruitful
to have joined wednesday frisbee pickups earlier..

Now, the gush is zooming past the narrow corridor, flicking specks of grime into my face
Behind it follows quickly a solid wall of darkness, swiftly devouring the once travelled passage...
The lagging, now precious few drops of water are disappearing.
The pictures of happiness are.. the memories are fading.

one day all the drama will be nothing more than a stone cold stool
and everything once strived for buried dead deep in the depths of the earth.
but its fine so long as i dont live, as i lived in the past, again.

but i.. i'm drenched in the historic moment where my legs, in an unexplainable motion
brought me back into the depths of it all.
now its not just the grime anymore.

hey mei,
i'm cooking noodles for my sister now because all the rice in the cooker got burnt.
i dunno, but i just feel very unhappy.
Maybe the stress is really starting to work its way into me.

I'm sorry, if i cant quite ease your burdens.. its always the same thing.
I'm always so caught up with my own things with my own thoughts with my unecessary obligations i keep heaping onto myself..

There are alot of things i want to add below, but frankly
I'm so disappointed i can't continue.

hey mei. for Page 3, since pV= constant, it means that if p increases, V will decrease respectively given their inverse relationship to keep the product pV constant.
Hence, PV remains a constant regardless of how much p or V increases (hence the straight y=k line)

On the other hand, for page 7, its the same theory (pV)/T is a constant. so when either p, V or T increases eg. if p increases, V will decrease and T will increase, resulting in overall unchanged value of (pV)/T. So if you reflect that on the graph, putting p, V or T on the x axis, you can see that the value of (pV)/T remains constant as p,V or T increases. makes sense i hope?

Finally, the other page 7 graph... you know it alr. Focus on the partial pressure thingy and such, the graphs really arent important (and are usually only MCQ to boot!)

I didnt really hear you clearly over the phone yesterday. haha but you've got something on
that part im sure i heard correctly!

well, next week there will be no discipleship class.. so, I'm up for studying.
Tsk, today we talked about tongues and spiritual gifts and the might of the Holy spirit
when class was on Acts.
Did you know that christians were first called christians in Antioch? haha

Oh well i sold away my tennis racquet and bought 2 more-suitable-for-beginners ones.
Here's being hopeful for the day we truly get to playy!

Well, im gonna study abit and i'll be heading to church again, yeap and since there's youth today, i wont be back till it gets really late.
I hope you're feeling better, and quick! you've gotta teach me Ksp really soon.

Hmmm.. lately havent been feeling good.. there's this persistent dampening.
I can only hope you're not more miserable than I am, but dont forget what you promised me!
You said nothing will get in betweeen you and your studies. right?
Enjoy your saturday!

thanks mei, i knew it was a great idea!

hm.. i wonder if your face remotely lights up when you typed that maill..
haha i was really tempted to do that question, but i realised that i was probably gonna type alot more whacked up theories if i attempted that question.

oh dont worry. you cant really have much theory about nuclear energy and such.. just applied my retained geographic knowledge to evaluate wind and hydro electricity.

Sigh, i knew there was something real complicated going on..
well, i'll watch that show when i've got time. Its dinner now, and after that, yeap, back to mugging for prelims.
Im so gonna be a mugger too.

hey mei, i suppose i do already know that these few days you're down and out.

Exams take a heavy toll on you huh? I guess so.
The reason why im writing things here, is so you can hear me speak when you want to..
Our unpleasant encounter during mid years, the memory of it and the lessons learnt
is seared and etched in my mind.

But i don't think its good for you to be alone.. So I'm talking to you in a way
you definitely can choose to ignore if you don't want to.

well today's friday, prelim paper 1. Gp .

I wrote an essay on question 11, the one on nuclear power. Ugh feeling really unhappy that I was kinda forced by circumstances to finally choose a question that isn't really philosophical.
Well, i wrote 4 and a 1/2 pages.. i hope it isnt pointless ramblings again, if not Mrs Khor will really have my head.

Comprehension was tough, i didnt even know what to write for AQ, but im kinda worried for jameus and junwen, cauz they told me their points.. and their paragraphs were the kind that will easily garner reactions like "uhh... hm. okay".

well after that i had a really fun session of badminton with my class @ bukit gombak. Now, dont get jealous. haha.

well anyway.
quickly summing this up.

i wanted to ask you:
the progress of your revision
your day today
what exactly is making you so stressed up

and then i want you to know:
that i will do anything in my power to help you, and i hope you know you can count on me.

my head is up against the wall..
my eyes are welling up
the flush of ancient memories
milked and concocted my bitter cup.

This memories dear girl
are wounds from generations past.
Those hastily moved on
Wounds that never healed.

Against the cold hard wall
my head collapses onto its void.
The void of ideas of solutions of resolve
the desperation and hopelessness

Her silly conviction
and her questionable devotion.
I'm stuck between the questions i have
and answers i must find to save oneself.

I ask, why couldnt i give more?
I ask Him why good looks are bestowed on crooks.
They tell me:
Life's like this

i'll end this when im back.

test

oh God i know your eyes are on me..
and Lord your litmus test is upon me.
Indeed you want me to see for myself
My lawlessness and disabilities.

You knew you must send
Some guy strong and faithful
Whose steadiness she can depend
Whose walk, utterly blameless.

For that reason, you cannot choose me.

I know one day I'll pass your test
And that day I'll be granted to roam free.
Even though the test i pass,
I know,
She won't therefore be given to me.

Though I know if you will bestow her once again
I will recall the path walked through
and give Glory to your name.
A day like that will be so good
Will be unspeakably beautiful
But even if it never comes..

I will take heart and walk again

what is wanted

its odd isnt it, how we claim we wont settle for the second bests
How we're convinced there's only one specific key that will satisfy that
quiet gloomy empty vessel.. that's right, besides being the home to our hearts..
it craves to be the home of our dreams.

We know dont we, know so well, remembered so well, explain so well
about the key we've found.
Yet we go around and do a little this and that
trying to find something else, for whatever the minute chance's worth
that might somehow fit.

What're we interested in, filling that hole in what we believe is the greatest?
No no, somehow we're lost in the quest of finding something..
something we know doesnt exist, just... the sake of finding.

i guess that's where the fairness is..
having heard the gospel or not doesnt quite play the difference..
still searching arent we, for that elusive... thingy?

hey do you know?

it feels like wrath's coming.. for me.

Our new divide.

So give me reason, to prove me wrong
to wipe this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Across this new divide.

In every loss, in every lie
in every truth you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye
Becomes a mistake too great to hide

And your voice was all i heard,
"That i get what i deserved"

dear Lord dont be so far away!

I'm really stressed up now and things are just going wrong all over the place..
havent felt so scared and uncertain for a really long time..
and the last night before tomorrow, i have to spend alone?

sometimes i really regret doing what i did..
perhaps i should've kept her beside me.

today was great!

went to erin's house after meeting the guys at bangkit lrt.
Ate hell lot for lunch: two piece chicken, 1 medium whipped potato and 2 slices of 13" pizza?
after that we played tennis.. heh, getting kinda rusty.
swam, for the first time after YEARS! the last time i really swam was in sec 2. so doing some simple math, its been 4 years!
and you know, my leg soles dont cramp anymore.. guess i'll swim more in future.
after that was dinner.
A simple day huh? helped me hide the complexities in my head.

you know idiot, many people put good words for you.

yes i blog alot when im unhappy. maybe my life is destined for a lil' gloom..
since sadness brings out alot more of the good in me.

well, was pondering about a gp essay question: discuss the appeal of video games.

i think one big appeal is how life-like and yet ironically, evidently faux games are.
It allows the common man to enjoy and laugh at the perhaps serious and sorrow sides of life.
games for short, are sometimes brilliant simulations, playing intimate parodies of life.
After the hustle bustle and fearful brushes with unhappy, ominous occasions in life, there's this desire to run out of the unhappiness... and one way, is to laugh at the issue itself.
not only will this set us free, it will also leave behind hope and strength for the fight tomorrow- which people agree, happens every tomorrow.
So, not only do we enjoy, but we also require this particular release and rejuvenation video games bring about, and i guess our desire for it, becomes its appeal to us.

ahhh whatever, im still so sad.

frisbee, not boomerang.

He's a frisbee not a boomerang,
you can't just throw him away
He may not come back again...

how poetic...

forget about love

and so i took her number off my phone..

so that if its there again, it'll be because i asked her for it.

if love comes back again, it'll be because i asked her for it

if love comes back again, i swear it wont slip

i swear.

my legs have become so feeble i cant walk

walk damnit WALK! stop looking back already!
Stop gropping around for that elusive past
stop remembering the smiles and laughs!
Move on! WTH! Just GET MOVING!

i can't i really can't. there's no strength there's no will

you bag of maggot, backboneless pauper.
all you're left is a shell of your former
Now, get your act together..

I.. look, you're not even convincing.

curious isnt it? how a few months ago life had a reason

and after awhile the reason was redefined.. and whatever was there initially? its gone.

then after awhile the reason that was redefined loses its meaning.

and then its so hard to redefine the reason again.

how queer.

Oh God i feel like giving up..
i feeling like throwing in the towel on my homework and just head back to bed.
I dont feel like doing the work that is laid infront of me.

My Son, did Jesus not feel the same in gethsemane?
Did he not feel the struggle too?
Did he not wish the cup be passed from him
yet bit his lip and confess for 'your will be done'?

God surely you can give me some of that..
supernatural strength, to grit my teeth and hold on tight,
to see me through my darkest nights.
As surely as your eye is on the sparrow and the more it looks at me.
Surely I'm not alone... and every tear that falls, you catch and hold.

When the days are numbered and the hope is frail
I thank you for I slowly see you again when she's gone.
That though the days when she's not by my side- only then do i remember you..
Soon, I know, when she's back again, I'll see you clearer
Reminded that you O Lord are faithful and kind, and will never withdraw your hand from me.

A wall. insurmountable.

"forget about love, for love has forgotten me"
and so this means.. love has forgotten me too.

oh man idiot..
if only if i talked about this earlier..

oh God help me
I'm dead jealous

gimme a greater capacity!!

going home

"so what do you feel now?"

"feel like.. just go home.."

A profound answer my friends, have you heard it before?
Have you said it before have you felt it before?
When you heart is so cold and sunken
and the strength in your arms has faded away.

Just go home right? Home sweet home..
The shelter from heartbreaks.

everything's missing

There somethings i dont know if i can say
They're the same things that bug me everyday
You know the troubles you have in everyway..
I think they're here to stay

And which room in your heart will there be space for me
which moment in time can I talk about we?
Because you're so busy and so laden within
Our lives are so far from symphony.

There're so many things i wanna say to you
so many times i wished i got through
so many days dejected i left
Yet i know..you.. you're hurt too.

The picture of future seems absent of me
As the other photos hang tightly.. tightly to your closet doors
To your beloved phone.. to the hardisk and more..

We need to talk, with courage and all.

erin! i was gonna pounce on you and beat you up for putting me through a hellish afternoon!

that's what happens smart alek, when you try and meddle with subjects
you dont even have a clue about.
China studies.. pfft.
But now.. phew.

YOu know, she's been asking weird questions..
like.. why do guys forgive girls so easily?
why guys are...
how can guys be...?
I hope you arent love sick you dumb duck,
i've been there
forgotten how its like
reminded
think your heart's better off not broken.

have fun duck, dont be such a duck anymore.
Time you got on your feet and stop "dunno?" "anyhow la"
worries me sick.

ITS been 1 day... would the "IMUAT"s stop floating in my head
and come down for a rest already?

double funeral

The sherpard, the family, the lover me.
Who suffered the hardest tonight?
Who felt the deepest pain when my cousin breathed her last?
God, may i not be so insolent as to keep seeing my own problems and remain oblivious.

Tonight's a crazy night.. Been feeling so helpless so long.
I couldn't make ashley like me, i couldn't get her to forgive me, i couldn't put a peaceful end to my business.
At my cousin's house, i was so useless all i could do was help them remove and keep the foodtray.. Wth tuckyan! Wth freaking hell!
You're really useless. Really.

mixed feelings

you know, the moment you replied
"i miss asshole too" on monday, this question surfaced in my mind..
Is this another period of stress and vulnerability.. that makes you come back to me?
Do you actually still like me, or have you forgotten me?

Did you know that, a long time ago, before we started..
my oddly acute 6th sense told me not to proceed.
I could tell that things wont so easy.. but this time, i want to put my faith in you again
I really wish that things are as simple as they can be.

2 days have passed and for 2 times you slept so close to me
2 instances you were vulnerable and 2 instances i kept my grounds..
You'd say im decent and you respect me..
But you know.. i really wonder if my decency has been costing my chances..

When we were in the cinema today and you held my hands...
when your helplessness resurfaced again..
I could recall why i liked you in the first place.
But when it happened again and again, i could feel this pollutive emotion rising within..
and so i pushed your hands away.

I know you're a sensible girl.. so you must've felt it too.

I know that we're neither ready (and i feel you probably dont want to anymore ): )
But i really want you to know..
that i really want you.

a late retirement @ queensway.

i didnt have to be there... but i was there, for a good reason today..
I had to know, i had to be convinced.. that friends, you can win them over with your time..
that friends.. they dont come free but when you pay for it, they come.

when i sit infront of the computer i wonder if she has a blog.
And if she has a blog, what exactly would be written on it?
What does she have to say about me... now, how does she feel about me?

everything seems to have gone so wrong...
what if joseph's right? What if being friends is something i should never have agreed to?
Sigh.. sometimes things can be 'whatever-ed' away..
but at what cost?

photos? i hate photos.

It was just curiousity..
The feeling is so strong, it screams in my head
"its over its over!"
Hello, tuckyan, you're supposed to be mr flexible.
You're supposed to tolerate and get over..

But i dont get it, it hurts..
It hurts so much.

act

its.. cold and lonely in the living room.
the keyboard's creaking slowly along with my contemplating fingers..
Faith is running out.. and every time this happens..
i wonder if im destined to be single.

my heart is gently trembling..
A thousand thoughts race across my mind.
There's so much i wanna spill, but there's only one who should listen..
But she.. she wont listen anymore.

have you ever felt like this?
so hopeless so helpless so lonely and frail?
so faithless so weak, so tired so devastated?

each cold reply
like a sharp icy shard
Pierces so deep into that throbbing heart.
And freezes you over.

the pain spreads and your limbs.. they turn numb..
till your freezing fingers. slide from the keys
and your head hits a bump


wide awake in what's known as reality..
you still wont faint
and the pain remains

secretly remark.

behind every poorly formed argument lies the most ironic statement.
A statement of agreement.
But humans.. we don't quite like agreeing.

i don't what to say anymore.
Yet somehow i must say something..
something true, right, pure, worthy, powerful and so on.
In summary: words that do not belong to my mouth.

when love feels pain

'to love is to be vulnerable'



Today was a tough day, without you or your messages.
I don't know what happened and i don't know why
But I keep having a bad sinking feeling..
There's this thick ominous air where I am.. and i can't breathe.


When I pray, God chides me.
"You love her too much, you see.."
"And you have forgotten me" i finish the sentence..

Torn between His plans and mine
I know somehow i cannot numb myself to this..
cauz Lord you said 'to love is to be vulnerable'
when you died on the cross throughly humble.

Sometimes i speculate the reasons for why I'm who I am today.

I say to some "oh im clever because.. well i used to go library twice a week to read reference books!"
and to some "oh, i don't know?"

But tonight i think i know.
Its because i dread being THE loser.
I dread it so hard it keeps me working to improve, to impress.

Perhaps thats why i got so sad
perhaps thats why i even got mad.

You know, you should know.

cost

Yesterday is a wrinkle on the forehead.

Tomorrow could well be 1 foot in the grave.

Its 10.. 10, is the time i used to sleep, the days i used to stay awake in lectures
The days where my life was seen as my own, where i didnt care about my studies, where i didn't read the bible, where i played computer games...

I simply don't get it do I? Life has already changed and things have already moved on.
THE PRICE WAS ALREADY PAID and now I want to stay? I want to return to the days where life was monotonous, meaningless, mixed up?

Get off it, come off it. Drop the pretence and come clean with it.
I hate it, life is starting to get challenging. Everday is another fold of the brain, another twitch of the nerve, and another wrinkle on the forehead.

This tiresome BUTTOCK needs a giant BOOT to send it flying in the right direction,
this exhausted soul needs a big needle of adrenalin to continue the race.
But yeah yeah its all in the head... we don't realise how clever (and then how FRICKIN LAZY) we all are!
Have you not heard? Actually we're the doctors of our lives.

But where did the boot go, where did my vial of adrenalin go?
Its gone to some others and it cannot come to me, for humans think they know
such stimulants come in limited doses.
Oh what do you know, human?

Nobody's taking the initiative to stop taking things for granted.
Why are we so limited and clumsy to care and cause more things discounted?
Who can answer such a question and who can say 'dont ask me?'
No no surely we're all part of this rotten fallacy that humans can be limited so severely.

When these questions grow into storms, and when others coin my head the teacup..
Oh Lord, i cannot move the pen which hovers over my math paper...
Because I know well that perhaps im the only partaker of the villaineous crimes i whisper.
For many times I've proclaimed these things, watched my own selfishness and my eyes water.
And then I know the world's feels so wrong because people like me constantly falter..

And you know... that makes me feel so alone, and worthless.

put a finger

you you, i cant put my finger on you.
I can't tell when you're happy, i cant figure when you're sad.
I dont know when's a mood swing, i can't tell when its real.
Life is like a running puzzle, and makes me tired all over.

tremble, gates of hell

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/afp/20090330/tts-lifestyle-britain-religion-atheism-cac1e9b.html
nope, not in a fearful tremble.
The gates of hell shiver in excitement and anticipation as it awaits yet another warm, fresh pile of condemned bodies to be devoured. Mmmm. delicious, nothing is more delicious than to reserved men for destruction. Nothing is more delightful than to see God hurt.

Yep, that's what the gates of well will say as the swing back and forth madly, waltzing to
the oddly joyous occasion.
With de-baptism, you can run away from your faith, even if you were a calvinist uh?
Fool's on april's morning, its a sham, and shame.

I can't believe how outrageous the secular force has become.
And I.. well.. it's becoming increasingly difficult to stand firm as floodgates against the seemingly unstoppable torrent of secular thinking, relativism, blah.

sigh, one moment we're thinking: you know, perhaps we need to be evangelising, to tell peeps about Christ...
next moment, we've got a new matter in our hands- Christians are running away! And they flee away from you with such great haste an unbeliever will be shocked and convinced that his/her turtle-like movements are not just justifiable, but very reasonable and already, compassionate to the poor preacher's soul.

Sigh, this "christians" dont know what they're doing.

fit of madness

perhaps. its just the disappointment
brought when vincent said its 42, and it was merely 31.
31 is a great number, many would wish for it, and i got it.
But I'm not happy, why don't they believe me.

persevere

ripped this off grace's blog.
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

my jaws dropped. Literally. And they dropped really far.
My mind winced in the horrible pain from torrents of regret.
"i wish i had known! if i had known!"

I've never seen such a beautiful phrase like this. guess who wrote it? Mother T.
JAWS DROPPED until there was a crashing sound downstairs...

(since it didnt hurt grace to steal from that old woman, i think i reserve rights to rip this off. hahaha)

Imagine...
just imagine if your boyfriend says that to you today, after you've terribly upsetted him.
If you were a girl, and profess to be one, your heart'd melt into flowing streams.

hahaha. gosh.
now now, when's my opportunity to use this phrase?

is the rage justifiable?

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/cna/20090324/tap-290-woman-killed-hit-train-clementi-231650b.html
I can't.. feel any sense of pity or sympathy at all. I don't know why.
This morning as I stepped on the elevator at dover mrt, i was soooo looking forward to actually board the mrt.
And when i heard that there was a problem in the east line, I was just utterly disappointed.
When i heard that someone died, i was indifferent. When I heard that its suicide, i was fuming.

I cannot understand why people would allow pity to overtake them like that.
Jumping into the tracks just the split moment before the train to guarantee their instant mincing.
Its been clementi, many times. Some survived, some dont.
One thing for sure, they caused alot of trouble.

From the lakeside suicide that garnered donations, to the clementi boyfriend pretending to suicide, i just don't see any place where i can be sorry for anyone who tries track suiciding.
It's like... you planned for it so damn well, so if you die (as planned) i should be congratulating right?
So, on top of the congratulation, i couldn't board the train to school, i had to take a car.
A car which by extraordinary chance came.
I can't see how a foolish suicide choice should've thrown the lives of many 6000odd people into disarray, i cant see how her choice should've made my punctuality be subjected to luck.

is my rage justifiable?

I don't think so, my head knows but my heart cannot concur.

old friends.

ARGH... POST COMMON TEST BLUESS.

i looked back at this video on facebook. And i realised how wrong, how wrong i was
when i said: i don't think i've a single good friend.

I was wrong. I don't know why i say certain things
But those arms that rode my shoulders, those eyes that turned towards me when i walked through that door..
They were signs of friendship i couldn't see, but my friends trusted me to feel.

Perhaps humans (especially me, who is perhaps, too human) are really feeble.
Why do we always need to be a 3rd party before we can see?
Why must affection wait for retrospect before it resounds?

eh wait. timetosleep
DOn't screw up tomorrow, the world's watching.

early morning

1 more day to 4 days of doom...
This feeling isn't sinking far enough.

the feeling of doom still feels so alien
and disaster still feels distant.
But hey man, do you know, it crouches at your doorstep
ready to slay you the moment you leave house tomorrow?
He's a floor away and he climbs those spiral steps in the stairwell.
His eyes are glassy, his breathes of death, his nails... those long claws
Are ready to tear you apart. He's coming and his vile heart beats of wild excitement
You in all your splendour of ignorance, your death is a passing phase, not worth remembering.
He reaches the door, and a knock goes off, you approach to open it, to greet a delivery man or so

but doom has reached the end of the screen, doom is here.

hahaha. eh. sorry grace. Caused you soooo much trouble.

margaretna

Its amazing how i got your name spelled out right.
Hello margaretna, if you read today, you're a little early. This post is your birthday present.
I write this post because i've already deemed it impossible for anymore development of friendship or any kind of relationship with you. So i thought, maybe you should know...

I remember vividly how it felt like when we exchanged our first sentences.

"excuse me, how do you pronounce this?"
"mar-gar-ret-na"
"mar-ga-ret-na?"
"yeah"

from the first incident, i already felt obliged to take responsibility for you.

"weren't you guys told that you were supposed to report in school uniform?"
"err.. No?" Your confused appearance moved me to intercede for you.

As i looked at your chubby cheeks and perfect smile, your DEFINITELY undersized shirt and your maroon skirt, somehow i really wanted to know you more.
And there, i fought with reasons why the club needs you.

Some time later, it was the first club meeting. You couldn't make it, you had dance.
Somehow the margaretna then didnt look like the one during the interview. You must have grown over the short period of time.. you must have..
You looked great in your jazz pants (were they?), i wished i could walk you over to the arcadia, i really wished.
But somehow deep inside, i felt a surge of everything but pure rising within. I knew that
neutral intentions were being conquered with motives, and i couldn't bear to see you longer.

After dance remember how we met? You and qs, sipping away some drinks at the cafe..
Sitting over, then, as vice president, i was overjoyed to hear of the dance plight.
Almost confident i'd win you over to ambassadors, i began telling you, undaunted, reasons why
you should be in the club.
But it was a mistake, i was wrong. I got a shock I could not get over when i went home and saw your blog.
I was offering things you aren't really made for, and from then, i was almost certain
you wouldnt stay.

It took 1 more week to confirm my dismay. When you came and you told me how disappointed you were, i knew the disappointment would kill you someday.
I knew that someday you'll back out, and i'll never see you again.
Foolishly i hoped that some untold luck, would grace our paths and make them straight.
But no, they wouldn't and i knew for once, that our paths will never meet again.

I tried many ways to remain contact, but slowly my courage started to fade away.
I asked myself for compelling reasons, concrete ones that can convince myself why anything would work out, you were right, i think i fell for you.

Knowing that you were a christian didnt help ease the pain, from where i were standing i could see that our paths were straying further and further. And there was nothing i could do, and i had got no courage left to use.
Different people, bound for different paths, thats what we are.

Its sad isn't it, perhaps you won't feel it. But time i recall that enthusiastic smile across your face, I wince in pain of this searing loss.

Happy Birthday Margaretna,
O can you sympathise?

yet another...

you know that girl, the tanned, tall one with those thick sexy lips...
the one with the low voice that is.. oh sexy too!
The one whose return from canada all the guys are celebrating?
Yeah that one... i hate following the crowd... but i think.. i think..
i like her too.

but she's back with an american slang. And jerome... he's the best candidate i guess.
He's so strong, plays soccer so well... Surely, like every other girl, she'll like him.
Oh man, but she's so damn pretty...
She's... WAIT! She's walking towards the bus stop! WTH!

Pretend... quick! Pretend like you're glancing at the mystical lamp post!
Okay, peek! Good, she didnt notice you.
Alright, continue making sense out of the lamp post!

she uh... what bus is she taking? Do you think she lives near me?
Is she going to take 166, 14, 74 or.... oh no, dont tell me she's taking that 196...

OH! She isnt! hahhaha got chance!

wait..! Arrgh! Not that 33! She's walking towards the door...
Oh, she puts up her hand and bids eunice farewell. PHEW.

oh look, 74's coming.. She fishes out her wallet...
The bus stops and and the door flings open, her left leg boards the first step.
What should i do? Should i go there... act friendly and go "hi! you taking 74 too? Me TOO!"
or no, maybe i should be more cool.. "hey, welcome back man. I didnt realise you took 74 in the past"
yeah yeah. maybe i should... no, i cannot.

she'll... she will probably just look down on me.
She'll probably think I'm a pest!

Go! NO! GO! NO. NO!
NO GO!
There she does you gutless coward... when will you get a golden opportunity like this?

eh wait. why am i thinking so much? I'm just a primary 3 kid afterall...

"The thing is that... people talk about having not enough money to support their current lifestyle. But, i don't see them taking up a second job like the people used to last time"

"so..." i asked. "The people appear to be just not that desperate enough!"
"haha!"

"hahahah!" he joins in. Tonning down, he replies "Now, i wouldn't really say that!" "Perhaps it is an evolution of mindsets. Its not that people are not desperate, its just that taking up a 2nd job probably never crossed their minds before!"
"In times like this, the solutions appear to them as getting a better paying job, or obtaining any form of assistance."

For their unceasing efforts to encourage students, and maintain neutral, positive, un-judgemental views about the public, i hereby salute the ministers of singapore.

waste.

This week has been spent regretfully.

The week is replete (new word learnt today) with repetitive wastage of time.
Its just pre U sem squandering, no self control in partying and finally, spending
an untold, obscene amount of time on msn, talking.
I start to wonder, in through the current cloud of headache caressing my head,
i wonder if i'm too human.
What too human? TOO WEAK! NO RESOLVE! ARGH!

you guys must wonder: how does it feel to interview ministers?

well anyway. so i went to ____&______ on thursday.
I've gotta tell you, that place was luxurious. Simply luxurious.
The view of the CBD is amazingly akin to the one we see on television. Tainted glass,
city view.. you get it?
I got really hyped up about meeting a minister. Perhaps indeed people do
make the government out to be something just.. a cut above, just some
lofty standard the rest of us will never reach.

But i tell you. Someday, someday i can be there.

so there they were with their well practiced smile, their unblemished articulation
of fluent flowing string of lingual material.
But look closely and expose it all. Perhaps they aren't so unthinkable afterall!

Perhaps I have extreme high expectations, perhaps... I cant help but keep seeing that I may
be SORELY WRONG about the world and its standards... the world.. it just doesnt
seem so great anymore. Its standards... arent much after all.
（btw, i really dont want to get arrested for writing this, i really didnt say that ministers are lousy, i said " perhaps i have extreme high expectations")

i walked out of the conference room feeling rather faint. I've never been so tensed for so long in my life. Then again, maybe my tension wasn't necessary.
again i feel i can speak (after the teachers demanded that i suck at enunciating). Maybe, that's about the best thing i got from the encounter: a fragment of confidence.

well bk drumlets were quite nice. And that summed up my day on thursday.
You must think, MAN! YOUR LIFE IS UTTERLY BORING!

it isnt, i think, i just make it out to be.

oh tell me about... busy.

happiness

when others sound so happy, when others are in love
what part do i play in their exclusive happiness?

back off tuckyan, just back off.

Kill your feelings before they hurt someone
Turn cold before you refill her guilt

back off tuckyan, back right off

You claim to love, but you... its for yourself.

take a step back, grow up.

coming to terms

And when our paths literally crossed, all was swept away.
Its just me, you and an oddly tight corridoor.
I smile and I wonder how I look, its been quite sometime.
I think and I hope, I'm not yet another passing phase in your life.

And that's when you passed me, and time dialates.
The smile still carried on your face, gave me plenty of answers.
Its a sour feeling, because someday this'll degenerate
And when we meet, what we have in common becomes but the smile on our faces.

Mourning over the possibility, I couldn't help but recall
the brief moments our paths coincided.
I cannot imagine (and stand awe struck) at how circumstances like threads,
came and wove our lives together.
I tried to keep the sewing on, but now I am convinced
Its okay if life is so picky on who comes together and who don't
Because we then recognize, and treasure the ones who will always be around.

As a consolation, i form part of that juxtaposition.

don't try guessing

Before i sleep and fall into a deep slumber,
there's a ripple in the pond of my mind.

This girl is merrily singing away, she throws her pebbles
one after another, she breaks the smooth glossy surface.
Ripple ripple, my thoughts come alive, she becomes a memory i cannot forget
but I place her here, in this safe anonymous haven so i can sleep, yet peaceful again.

She's a distant soul, propped in the extreme eastern Singapore.
There her house sits near the coast, there her surname has been grown.
As i watched the breaking waves, i couldnt help but sigh
painfully i recall the mere minutes we had shared.
pass us by into the fading memories, drowned in the sea

Somewhere along the horizons, there were visages of kyakers.
And not too long ago, we both were part of an expedition.
But far too little times our kayaks collided, and when we did, frowns were exchanged.
Yet I could not notice that smile she had, when i encouraged her to move on.

So that delightful maiden who lives by the sea and is named by the sea
Met and bewitched me on the sea.
So, often i find myself in the eastern end of singapore,
looking frantically for that angelic face
and i'd go "hey Sea!" and she'd turn around, amazed to find me. (hopefully)

But the sea is too big and i have yet to find my angel.
And i start to wonder if its a crime to dream.

photos.

And so magically we became friends, on facebook.

I don't know why but i couldnt help

to feel that hurting plunge inside.

As I see her smiles engraved on those photos

I become so sure i'll never have a part

Cauz' the reasons why this came about

Disappeared as she left abrupt.

And so the photos that touched my heart

Of those that disgust and wince me hard

Of those that reminded me of foolish times

Of times merely worth to leave behind.

There, old hideous past

Reflected on that same hideous face.

I simply cannot reunite

How the face and life could coincide.

Oh, if i would stop rumbling and doubting

But have faith for another light.

life has been... busy busy busy.

and mood has been upset, indifferent, upset, happy, worried blah.

Pre-U seminar, ambition to be AYG(asian youth games) liason officer, cambodia trip
Guanhuai fangshi video, mute tongue tied evangelist, type stuff for the group, redo gp presentation, do math homework, research .
argh.

Pre-U sem= go home at 7 every tuesday and thursday

AYG= study damn hard so that i can prove that my academics dont suffer and thus i MIGHT qualify.

Cambodia trip= don't know.

Video= crack brains to visualise the whole drama

mute, tongued tied evangelist= confusion, mass panic

type stuff for group= work for abt 2 hours, type something that they claim they understand.

do math hw= damn tiring

research= polluting my child's mind with the economic anxieties of the adults.

foolishness again.

i feel really terrible. And im afraid to return to that old self who's all moody and pessimistic.

I hate to think that perhaps the reason why i've managed to become a little more cheerful is that life has been kind recently.

And until REALLY recent.

and now, life is a monster. I feel soo sooo conformed, so restricted.
I'm sick, I've got homework, CCA's becoming raving mad... I'm SCREWING UP MATH AND ECONS!

darn!

I know I better start shifting my focus. When homework gets monstrous.. its reminder..
its a reminder to run back to God.

Thus, today, after flipping the dusty pages of "A hunger for God", i felt this peaceful grumble in my stomach.
Disclaimer: seeking God brings peace, but dont seek God FOR peace. Seek God for HIMSELF.

OKAY QUICK a match of DoTA, then time to sleep!

pointless rumbling.

eclipse you say, the sky was so bright the sun was hardly eaten.
I'm glad i didnt go science centre. The sky was so bright at dover when it was 430pm, i was almost sure God called off the eclipse. Haha, well He could if He wanted...

Anyway, besides waking up really early to go church, i was devoured by the sun at 1pm, i was having those really irritable doze-offs on the bus, and i was really glad to see some of my cousins.
Hopefully im not secretly glad i didnt see some, on the other hand.

well, angpaos suck because there are no longer anymore crunchy, crisp paper notes.
Plastic really feels plastic. Got money also not shiok.
I'm quite surprised to find that despite the recession and all the anyhoo hoohaa going on, angpao rate has been steady.
Anyone wants to invest in angpao stocks then?

been eating too much seaweed these days, feeling kinda weird.
There's a whole load of homework waiting to slaughter me once i turn my head from the computer. As such, i've been staying REAL close and faithful to the computer, only turning my head away and risk my life for toilet and CNY snacks.
Of course the hw will wish itself away the moment i turn a blind eye on it, BUT i've gotta do my hw, can't afford to lose anymore momentum.

Sigh, CNY got homework, think i VERY FREEEE AH.
I'M SO NOT FREE CAUZ I HAVE ABT 20 UNCLES AND AUNTIES.

just imagine. insane right, more incredible than any crazy shopping spree fantasies.
Sigh, watch tv.

OOPS no i said i'll be faithful to the computer...

dust settles fast

ahchoo. argh see, everytime my blog is old and i sneeze when i come
thats why i dont update it.

aint i the genius with excuses? THINK SO!

well, school's been retardedly hectic. Why did i even say that i was too free last week?
see, now get screwed.

i've been doing my homework, BUT my review tests are suffering- think the teachers would wanna kill me. ( NO DONT!!)

math test today was just the shittiest thing ever. I'm UNBELIEVABLY upset.
The first time, FIRST TIME EVER in my life, i submitted a close to empty paper.
(of course i filled it up with peripheral working to save me from embarassment, BUT!!!)

aiya, tomorrow physics test. And im just so not looking forward to it.
OH SO I DID STUDY SUPERPOSITION, but it isnt going to get me anywhere, yet.

ltnb

long time no blog. AHCHOO.
okay, dust is cleared by an enormous sneeze.
time to pack my bags and leave.

nah kidding.

today was a GREAT day. tomorrow isnt. HHAHA but today still is.
The notebook plan worked. Trying hard, focusing my concentration needle sharp to withdraw the little points of information in the sharing, sunday school and finally sermon has kept me awake.
BUT
left me insanely tired, i think i zombied around tiong bahru plaza and so on. My eyelids were crashing onto each other.

i randomly met jeremy at holland starbucks.
We had a loooooonnnggg talk.
This is nostalgia, and irony.

When everyone was still together, we'd squander our time trash talking.
Now when we bump into each other in the streets, we finally start talking sense.
We finally learn how to do justice to the time we have.

sad.
very sad.

i talk way more trash with pjcians.. damn. Im wasting my time!

uh. okay final death struggle with math.
And then its schoool tomorrow. TADAA NOT EXCITED AT ALL.