impatient

door

This old lady came knocking at the door today.

She fell down recently and cannot clear plates at the nearby coffeeshop for the time being.

She asked for 2 dollars.

I wasn't sure what to do and so I asked my mum to take over.

Turns out she's from telok ayer chinese methodist.

She says her children have abandoned her.

I wonder what led her to our door, was it the cross outside?

What went through her mind when she decided on ours? Did she suppose that she could count on her brethren to supply her needs?
Was she confident when she knocked?

As my mum handed her the 2 dollars and a freshly cut apple, I hope she found her confidence rewarded.

The cross on the door. It's not for the fainthearted to hang.

The table tennis dream

I find it necessary to share this because the strain of handling it alone is breaking me.

So for those who are wise enough to make educated guesses, I had this table tennis dream and of course, it involves a girl who actually does play table tennis in real life.

In my dream, I was going to play a game of table tennis with her. Only, it was difficult to find a table. There were no actual table tennis tables and so I spent a long time looking for one. When I finally found one, it was a table which was bumpy and the ball would bounce off at erratic angles, making it near impossible to have a meaningful game.

After a long search, we found a proper table. She served and I took a big swing, only to find that I missed the ball entirely because somehow I was holding a miniature bat. Puzzled, I swapped the bat in my hand for a normal looking bat at the side... only to have it miniaturise as my hand closed on it.
This happened repeatedly. Each time the bat was becoming every slightly larger, until it was large enough.

We then had a few rounds but I woke up.

In a sense, the dream is pretty reflective of how I feel. I feel like I'm in unfavourable circumstances (the table perhaps?) and even when circumstances are well, I'm not in the position to take advantage of them. I feel lacking, I feel like a second fiddle, I feel like a miniature pingpong bat.

And this feeling really crushes me. It makes me feel like just sitting around and doing nothing. Now this is only the beginning of the problem.

When I do get up to do something, I feel like I'm doing them all for the wrong reasons.
I want to climb mountains for the wrong reasons, I want to travel for the wrong reasons, I want to be serious in school for the wrong reasons, I want to serve well in church for the wrong reasons. I read my books for the wrong reasons, I probably also read the bible for the wrong reasons. Maybe I pray for the wrong reasons too.
In short, this is a case of idolatry.

Why I am such an idolater I do not know. Why do I think about it, hang onto it, desire it as though my life depended on it, I do not know. So pray for me. It's obvious that this will ruin me. I've been praying that God will help me to grow up so I can put this in its proper place.
I'm reminded of the message at the beginning of the year. When we pray for God to help us love Him, does He make us magically love Him? No, the pastor said, He gives us opportunities to choose Him over every other thing in our life.

I can see that God is doing that right now. It is painful.
Please pray for me to grit my teeth and choose Him every time... and not only because I cannot choose otherwise (it is very one-sided btw), but because I'm eager to learn to love Him.

I cannot know if I'll get to the game of table tennis as per the dream. But as a good sister reminded me recently, "do not think that you will get it because you lay it down".
Oh God have mercy.
How do we even begin to not want something we want.
Work Your miracles in me.

Read Joseph. Considered my own hypocrisy

When Joseph was sold to slavery, he worked first for Potiphar, the jailer and finally the Pharaoh.
Because of the way things under his charge prospered, he was placed in charge of many things no matter where he went.

Anyone who reads this is bound to confess the blessedness of Joseph in their hearts. I too found it incredibly admirable of Joseph that everyone was vying to put him in-charge of their things.

And my heart fell because I thought about myself.

I remember how I was unwilling and unhappy to be selected to lead the fellowship.
I also remember how I repeatedly turned down the professors when they asked me to consider presidency in hall.
I had not considered them an honour and privilege. I saw them as burdens, not as blessings from God.

Make me give thanks for the things you have placed me in charge of. Make me diligent as Joseph was and bless the work of my hands.

down the aisle

I just had this thought this Sunday during service.

I was reading Genesis 1 and thinking about marriage when the thought came to mind. It's also addressed to a particular friend of mine.

You know how the father takes his daughter and presents her to the groom on the actual day?
This is a glorious thing, reflecting the manner God brought Eve to Adam.
Just imagined Eve as she was brought before Adam, and perhaps he was still asleep. She is in conversation with God and she asks about her origins, she asks about the man, she asks about what God was about to do with her.

God explains to her that there is nothing found in creation which was suitable for the man, except her. She was custom-made, tailored to be a fitting partner for the man. She too, was fashioned, not spoken, into existence by the hands of God. She looks at herself in wonder, she looks at God in wonder, cognisant of His design in marriage, His design in her existence.

She sees the look of pride and satisfaction in His face. He had thought about it and she is His answer to the imperfection in him. She feels loved, valued, purposeful.

Will the bride be able to feel this way if she is not in a good relationship with her father?

I have this friend who actually has the brightest prospect amongst us to get married, for starters, at least she's attached.
However, she always struggled to forgive her dad. I suppose I can say she hates him.

I'd beseech her to make peace with him. To forgive him, to help him live, if possible, to the full dignity a father ought to have... but maybe I won't.

how would it be like on that day, walking down the aisle?

When the Israelites rebuilt the walls of Jerusalem under the watchful eyes of Nehemiah, they held a working tool in one hand and a weapon in the other. 

Not to say that the bible intended this, I doubt it does, but it sure reminded me that that I must be wary as I work. A ready weapon always in hand to check on the state of my heart and mind, ready to put down any corrupting thoughts and doubts. Striking down ill-intentions, bitterness and ungratefulness. Slaying the occasional surge of laziness when the work at hand requires more of me than I expected. 

Combating the complacency as I fold my hands and look at the accomplished work. Vanquishing the self-congratulation that tells me I've done enough, letting only the joy remain. 

Though my hands will be full and the work made harder, I shall keep my hand on the weapon and my eyes wide open. 

Eureka

It all began with some pretty good imagination. 

I was imagining myself at youth fellowship camp this year (the one slated to happen in may or so) and then sharing about myself by the fire light (because I've been thinking we should camp at pulau hantu). 

I was talking about how I spend my free time watching movies alone... going shopping alone... and I think the only time I'll ever really stop doing so is when I have a girlfriend...

At that point I had a realisation. I realised that I can use a lot more friends, or be a better friend to the friends I currently have. I realised that I should talk to them more often, ask them out more often and so on. 

I think it didn't occur to me previously, but I seem to be a very emotionally unstable person. I suppose having some friends will help stabilise me. Thoughts do run real wild when left to my own devices. 

And so strangely enough, I plan to make more friends this year. This is the strangest of resolutions, but it is one that I must see through. 

God help me. Put the right persons in my life so that I may be helped into living the life that pleases you.