Petrified

It's very saddening to notice the difference in reaction.


We had a really long and intense meeting today about the future of youth ministry in church (which incidentally, when taken to its logical conclusion, was about the future of church).
The goal is so far from where we are now... and the steps to take already seeming costly and effortful.

On the way home my friend commented on how exciting it is, for we are at the clasp of change.

My heart on the other hand was just fearful. Honestly, even I am not too sure of why I am afraid.
It could be because I'm currently really busy with deadlines in school and it has had an effect on me.
Maybe it's because I don't love the youths enough, that I'd calculate the cost so unwillingly.

I said this many times before and it still rings true, ministry has never been about the lack of direction. My experience has been that of abundant direction but lacking of heart.

God please anoint my eyes that I may see.
Help me to look beyond myself oh I'm always stuck at the level of self-concern.

A thought came to mind today:

What if... I'm radically self-centred? 

I might have bought the story of peoples' praises that I am indeed a self-sacrificing servant and forgot to examine if it were indeed true. 

The way I've been reacting to things or thinking about some things recently made me wonder... if I'm really in it for myself. 

Now it is not as though I blog to bash myself... and not as though I believe that if I were even the littlest bit self-centred then I am wholly self-centred. 

It's just... it's looking a lot more than I previously imagined. 

I really am the sort of... conceited, entitled person. 

Year after year, I moult and moult. Looking back it sometimes looks like I've successfully left my past behind... and then I see the moulting before the latest... and the one before it... and it seems to stretch infinitely towards the horizon of my beginning... 

Oh God, how does one become someone else? 

May we be permitted to be born again! 

And, indeed we are. 

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy riven side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure,
Save from wrath and make me pure. 

Sorrows

When in sorrow find God.

Sorrow is deceptive when it makes us turn to people. 

The craving for company, the thirst for attention- they have little to do with the sadness. 

Or maybe you can say they have everything to do with it.

That all there is to it is loneliness. Finding company dispels it.

Then sorrow isn't always sorrow. Sometimes it's just a conversational topic. It's a pressing topic, bound to garner attention.

One finds himself desiring to be sorrowful. It gives his life meaning. 

But perhaps he ought to rejoice, as the bible commands.

The thirst for earthly attention now impeding the glorification of God.

And so, what safer thing to do than to seek God? 

Old habits die hard

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/single-you-will-be-the-married-you

chanced upon this today, haven't been reading that often.

If I were to be brief I'd say that the message is about battling sin whenever you can. Don't wait.
And this message is expressed through the topic of marriage where some people, me included, think of the marital relationship as something we need to change us– if only we were in a relationship, if only, we'd have the strength to live for God, we'd have the strength to live holy lives, we would finally come to understand what love really is...

But of course, as I've suspected, this is not the case.
Well, it still is some old habit. Sitting around, dazed in the afternoon.
Thinking that if there were a girl beside me I'd be working harder.

Funny thing is, I've been there and the experience was such that I was more unproductive than when I am single and alone.
And I think that's how I really appreciate the message in that post: who you are when single will remain even when you're attached.
I shudder at that thought. It brings back memories so real.
I know it is true.

So I expect this blog will be seeing more of me in the days ahead, since I will be having words with it more often now, in bid to stay clear from unnecessary conversations.

Oh last thing, it was also mentioned that we should get something straight: we shall live holy lives because we love God, not because it'll make our married lives more blissful.
Love God... You know, sometimes I really wonder if I know what that is.

Psalms 51:1-3

Have mercy on me,[a] O God,

according to your steadfast love;

according to your abundant mercy

blot out my transgressions.

Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,

and cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is ever before me.

Because when I think about it, sometimes I'm really not sorry. 

When I think about it, there are some things I just can't solve by thinking over.

When I think about it, I really don't know how I can change.

A single word, a world of theological difference

Seeing how Aiping reacted to the song lyrics during worship rehearsal last wednesday I wondered if there was any quick and dirty fix to the problem.
I'm not sure how this works out musically, but in terms of meaning it certainly exceeded my expectations.
It now says something really beautiful.

当我们合一敬拜和祷告，神就开始动工在我们当中

vs.

当我们合一敬拜和祷告，神已开始动工在我们当中

Qualities of leadership: restlessness

God’s history of redemption is not finished. The church is shot through with imperfections, lost sheep are still not in the fold, needs of every sort in the world are unmet, sin infects the saints. It is unthinkable that we should be content with things the way they are in a fallen world and an imperfect church.

Therefore, God has been pleased to put a holy restlessness into some of his people, and those people will very likely be the leaders.

So that is why. It is okay for my heart to not be at rest.