End of Year Reflection

I think the highlight of my year is you, C. How you saw me through the busy first half with open house and all the level 3000 craziness. How you inspired me to search the scriptures so I would have something with which to encourage you when you are down. Again, the thought of which makes me wonder if I like you any less or worse, if my relationship with God has somehow imploded on itself.

And my friends would attribute the change to you. They would say that I’ve kicked back and become more friendly and cheerful. My church friends would claim that I’ve grown to be more gentle and caring, slower to anger and aggression.

But strangely, our decision on 24^th to be friends… added a new facet to this change. Now I feel my heart is broader, I feel myself quicker to offer help to others. I feel free, liberated to be the best that I can be.

Sometimes I look back and frown. You seem to have grown so dependent on me. But can things turn out any differently between couples? I frown again, I seem to be missing something.

Right now I’m loving being single and free, but I won’t be forever. I thank you for everything you brought with your presence and also the parting gift. I’m thinking hard to make sense of it all and how they came to be.

I begin 2014 fearful, helpless. I pray that God finds me in this helplessness and woos me with his love and gentleness. May I be won as the year begins and won forever.

10,000 small things

There's this thing about camps,

It's how things charge at you like a pair of crazy charging elephants,
assaulted by lack of sleep, aggression of games, immaturity of some and of course the occassional spikes of displeasure which rises out of your very own heart.

So I thank God for one thing, for the energy to battle each of these charging elephants, one after another, tirelessly, what more, joyfully.
It's worth it when they told me that I feel like a changed person.
It's worth it when I hear that my group members have quoted me in the days following the camp.

I thank you Lord for inspiring a rare dedication to build a robust testimony, through which my sharings were made palatable to the people who regarded me as genuine as they listened.

I pray now dear Lord that when they think of me their minds travel a little further, a little further to think of the great God who is behind.

Let me continue to be disciplined in these uncountable small things.

Amen.

why the grass is greener on the other side

you have a tendency to make the grass around you less green.

Next time you like a girl who you kinda know is not good for you

try this, unsubscribe her from Facebook.
A big favour you can do for yourself is to remove the avenue for accidental glances of her beautiful smiles, better still, you miss out on all the times she is sad (which are really opportunities for you to make your way into her life).

Trust me, I did this before, and still do it.

It's crazy right? People out there will tell you to follow your heart.
If you do such unsubscribing nonsense you're tinkering with your heart and denying true love.

For me, I've come to distrust my heart.
I've come to see it as an enemy, an agent of sabotage
 and by no means a compass.

The Dreams Betray

The dream remains fresh in my mind.

I'm bewildered, I cannot shake the parallel between what HM told me the other day.
Of how she reacted when her good friend got into a relationship with this other girl.
That she cried even though she thought she was long over him.

And in my dream as they told me that you got attached to that burly guy with a heart of gold...
I didn't miss how my anger fired up. How I protested
"If you could settle for that, then why not me!"

I didn't know this desire laid so dormant. But now I know.

Now I know that I must watch myself so much closer.
Now I know that I must keep you that much further.

on service next year

Talking with dad is just an amazing thing. It's like he doesn't really give any advices but the careless, assumption loaded things he says and they kind of reaction it draws from me tells me a lot about myself.

We were talking about service next year, and work in the holidays. He thinks that youths are so free that if they have any financial woes, it's because they're not getting a job and working for the cash.

So that was the first break point. I pointed out that I'd gladly work if he finds someone to cover my duties in church. After all, I'm nothing like those youths who are so free.

Then he actually had the cheek to tell me to not blow my commitments off proportion. To which I steadily disagreed and challenged him to think if he ever, in any point in his life took on as many responsibilities as I did.

And then he said oh well, it's only natural since the youths are going to inherit the church, they're the future leaders and the should rise now, he says.

I snapped. I reminded him that the adults should attempt to fix their mess before passing it down to us. I reminded him that the aged who are retiring are exaggerating the take-over: they are looking too far down the generation, there are good 30-40 year olds sandwiched between what they perceive as generations.

Inescapable, I also voiced my heart felt sentiment about teaching in adult Sunday school. Of how I should not have taken the bait of "oh you have the gift of teaching" because heck, I'm already using it in youth and the adults should have felt the pain of an empty slot, a message that says "you've been resting on your laurels far too long".

I must say that, sadly, at the end of the year, I'm neither fully happy to head the youth ministry nor be a Sunday school teacher.
But I can't escape it either, I can't escape the fact that a layman life is not for me.
There are those who on a natural day, unprovoked, think of the church and the needs of people.

I'm the inert sort who doesn't know anything until he is thrust into a position where he must see it or die.
I'm that sort of useless guy.

just don't care

I was having a chat with a few friends. Well, perhaps a chat none of us should be having amidst revision, but nonetheless enriching.

I recounted a conversation that I had with my mum.

My mum has always found my dad looking disapprovingly when she did her sales talk to people about her health food.
She told me that dad gave her a black face again last Saturday when she was speaking to a church auntie about health products.

I asked her if she has ever considered that maybe dad doesn't believe that she's selling the health food to help people, but instead, thinking that she's really just after the money.
Who wouldn't be unhappy with that?
The expression on her face tells me it's the first time she considered such an idea.

My point was, I can't believe that after 20odd years of selling health food and receiving black faces, never did she sit herself down to think through the possible reasons.
I'm offended, I'm afraid because this only means she doesn't care nearly enough to think it over.

Then we think about how... little people think things through. And.. how little they care.

give thanks

Just went to collect the scripts for 3211.
I'm.. well... shocked for the results I don't deserve.
I doubt the module will amount to anything more than a B+ but still, what mercy.

I also think about the days when I sit down and study for my exams with great discipline.
For all the things I'm not, but you make me to be, I thank you, God.

The new protocol

"Everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving. For it is made holy by the word of God and prayer” (1 Timothy 4:4).

This verse sums up a new direction I've been taking in life. This is because life is just so hopelessly fruitless. Let me give you a snippet.

It is the early hours of the afternoon, staggering back into the room from lunch which took place after a squandered morning, I lie on my bed.
My mind wanders and imagines, it throws me images of me studying, studying and satisfied, my work thoroughly enjoyed, a smile planted on my face. I shoot up, feeling determined as these hallucinations drag me to the chair before the table.
Eagerly I clear the clutter on my table, ruins of yesterday. Yesterday's failure.

As my laptop switches on, I unlock my tablet, propping it up as a sort of second screen.
I find the slides and open them. I open the word processor on my laptop. Scrolling to the first slide my heart falls. I am already disillusioned. The content strangely familiar, soliciting a wave of complacency within me. Another day was about to be wasted.

And so it is against this daily evil that I begin everything with thanksgiving. I sanctify it and eventually I enjoy it.

i hope i'm not reading this wrongly.

How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?  ​And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!”  ​But they have not all obeyed the gospel. For Isaiah says, “Lord, who has believed what he has heard from us?”  ​So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.  ​But I ask, have they not heard? Indeed they have, for
       “Their voice has gone out to all the earth,and their words to the ends of the world.”  ​
Rom 10:14-19

The flow:

1. How will people call onto God if they do not believe in Him?
2. How will they believe in Him if they have not heard about him?
3. How will they get to hear if no one has preached to them?
4. How can anyone preach to them if no one is sent?

This I have known for a long time. It is what comes after which is shocking.

But. They have not all obeyed the gospel.
Although faith coms from hearing and hearing through the word of Christ, they have not all believed EVEN THOUGH, they have all heard.

In the ESV, verse 19 refers to 2 verses, one from psalms 19:4. Another from Matthew 24:14.
Psalms talks about the creation of God, which pours fourth speech and wisdom.
Matthew talks about the commission where disciples bring the gospel to the ends of the earth.

What's up here? I think this means that all have heard, and Paul says it's by the virtue of creation and evangelism.
This inclines me to think that even those we have not reached will perish. A couple of days ago I was speaking to my catholic friend who believes that people who have not heard of Christ will go to heaven. She was willing to extend it even to those who know about Christ but have not experienced a compulsion to believe Him i.e., you need to reject Christ outright to warrant hell, simply sitting on the fence qualifies you for heaven.

Well, this verse here seems to fly in the face of that. It says that all have heard in one way or another and therefore everyone actually begins in the state of rejection. There is no gospel indifference. All have heard and all have rejected.

if there's a lesson i learn repeatedly everyday I'm with you,
it's that we tend to be kinder with strangers and so much more impatient with each other.

this strange sense of sadness

As the end of the semester approaches, I confront a mysterious sense of sadness.

I feel so sad. I don't know why. Is it because these friends are leaving soon? Different majors, faculties. It seems that we are unlikely to meet again.

Or maybe it's the semester itself. Why, every semester sees improvement in certain areas... and then deterioration in others. Vexed, I find myself out of time to consider the ideas, the interest I find that I have as I sat down, only too late, for my projects.

Maybe I'm dissatisfied, maybe.

I need to think more about this.

Most Productive day ever

Today was without a shadow of doubt the most productive day of my life. I completed the draft for my portion of a group project, finished writing and submitted an essay, studied thai and did some thai homework, devoured a 30 page reading and now... with the generousity of time from God at only 915pm, moving ahead into the project editing so that we don't spend too much time staring at each other later.

But I'm thinking of you C and of how you're struggling with your take home exam. I feel helpless, I put my hands together and pray. I pray that your heart will remain settled.

a moment's desperation

One big obstacle over. Halloween dinner. Phew.

My fractured mind finds a fleeting moment of rest and now I'm back tackling the proj work.
There is a naggy feeling at the back of my mind that I'm analysing deeper than expected of us. A thousand thoughts assault my mind as I look at the model report. How are some students so much more proficient than I am? Why, they write the report as though they have done linguistic analysis all their lives.

And I think, it's just 500 words, just a single construct to analyse. Why is this taking me more than an hour? But suddenly I realize that group proj begun a long time ago.. it has been a good 6-7 weeks of opportunity... opportunity which slipped right past my fingers.

And here I am at this hour, desperate. I look at the open document and in it, the unfinished work. Vexed I get off my chair and wander in aimless circles in my room. Thoughts assault my head again, I can barely distinguish them. It is a chaotic torrent of ideas... amidst them surely is one that can set me free.

Oh God can't you see that I take no pleasure in this analysis? But how can I do well, or invest my time wisely if I don't love it? Nevertheless, let me love you first, for without a love for you all competing loves will become idolatry. Help me love you dear Lord. Can't I see that You desire for me to analyse to Your glory? Help me! how shall your name be defamed because of my incompetency? Help me feel the weight of glory.

I'm begging you. I don't see how my aimless stress is superior to the burden of glory. Put on me the yoke that is right and I will work. I will take Your yoke upon myself.

waiting for the good

6 Many are saying, “Who will show us any good?”
Lift up the light of Your countenance upon us, O Lord!
7 You have put gladness in my heart,
More than when their grain and new wine abound.
8 In peace I will [k]both lie down and sleep,
For You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety.
Psalms 4:6-8 (NASB)

As I read the Psalms I chanced on these verses which were so similar to the idea Jeremiah 32:40
⁴⁰ I will make an everlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; and I will put the fear of Me in their hearts so that they will not turn away from Me.

Verse 6: many are saying, who will show us any good?
The psalmist replies: you have put gladness in my heart, more than when their grain and new wine abound. The comparison to the time of abundance brings out the psalmist's immense satisfaction even in times of no abundance.
So the psalmist response to those who say "who will show us any good", is that of  "good is being shown". God is not thrifty in showing us good, on the other hand, we are slow in perceiving them.

And so knowing how he is good beyond the seasons of abundance, in Him we find a safe dwelling, one so safe, so secure it grants us rest.
I wonder. What keeps me up at night?
Let my heart be gladdened by You, more than when the grain and new wine abounds.

plasticine reasoning

One of the foremost arguments for acceptance of homosexuality is that it is a natural thing.
Homosexuals are just born that way, there cannot be anything wrong with it, and worse, for us to penalise them for it.

In this sense, nature is not to be questioned or commented upon. What is true? What is right? Nature is.

Then we have abortions where naturally deformed babies are aborted. Somehow nature isn't that untouchable anymore. Somehow nature doesn't justify.
Oh wait. Sometimes these babies aren't even deformed. Or isit most of the time?
Why is the baby being penalised despite being irrefutably the product of nature?
Love the logic.

An order of obligations

Are Christians responsible for everyone in the world? Everyone in society? I would argue there is an obligation first to our family (1 Tim. 5:8) and then to our brothers in the church (1 John 3:17; Gal. 6:10). Also, we should respond to urgent needs right in front of us when our assistance will be helpful (Luke 10:29-37). Finally, we should do good to everyone as we have opportunity as shaped by our vocation and calling (Gal. 6:10).

 

From <http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/2010/03/03/seven-passages-on-social-justice-2/

I too believe that there is an order of obligations.

1 Tim 5:8 says that "but if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
This is an instance of a "responsibility" classed provision. You must do it.

Then there are those conditional or "opportune" sort. Like in Gal 6:10.
So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

So here's the hierarchy:
1. your family
2. the church
3. everyone else.

And if I think about it, it's pretty logical. Some people look at their church and say, "well these lazy bums are always feeding themselves, unlike them, I'mma go out and do good to people outside and evangelise to them."
Sure enough, many of us have taken to the comfort of feeding ourselves in church and some of us really do this because we dread evangelising,
But if I may, I would ask:
You evangelise and to which church will you bring them? Why, which sort of person will start evangelising without thinking of where to bring the convert? Why unless this person evangelizes out of guilt or obligation, concerned only to the point of conversion. This is quite unloving evangelism.

Or maybe this person intends to introduce these converts to other "better" churches. What sort of antagonism is this with his/her own church?
Better yet, they intend to introduce the converts to a church they are barely satisfied with themselves.

Now this is all just madness.

I am thus not convinced when people who care little for the church care for the poor.

well what if they never intended to evangelise to them? Well...
That's also unacceptable isn't it?

A sudden surge

A song plays on the background on my newly purchased Bluetooth speakers. It's Es por tu gracia or "it's by your grace". I recall that it's beat who introduced this song to us.

I whip out my pen and begin to write on my thai worksheet. I write my name and then my tutor's name. Then my speaking class number into the blank beside the letter "W". As the tip of the pen begins the number 5, I was brought right back to the first week of school.. and how in 2 weeks we were introduced to our tutorial group.

My heart breaks. What an honour it is, from the first minute of stepping into school to when I was assigned a class to belong to. I wonder if I display this preciousness in my work... oh no I don't.

It's by your grace that I'm here. Writing, pondering, frustrated by the things I cannot understand.
Oh God have mercy on me. Let me live in such extreme awareness all my days. Let me be glad, broken that you have caused such a wonderful thing as education to befall me.

my fingers tremble now, acutely aware that they do not deserve to complete the number 5.
I write on. I finish. It's by your mercy, and your grace.

Are you awake?

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/pizza-pizza-waking-up-in-little-caesar-s

Staying awake

Something in me resonated with this article. The Himalayan moment. I felt that before, sometimes even during very mundane moments like realizing that I'm on a bus, realizing that the scent in the air is perceived through a very complicated process, realizing that the person I'm speaking with is... really a person.

And it's funny. Anyone who knows me knows that I often complain about people not really knowing about what they're talking about as they drift like zombies in the fashionable trends of thought and parroting the latest thing they heard. It often sounds like my gripe is that they're stupid. Not so, it's that they're asleep.

This article reminds me that even I am asleep. I don't have to think far to realize why it applies. Those mindless moments taking in junk on youtube, mindless moments getting angry over a person taking forever to tap in with their ez-link card... those asleep moments, spent unaware of what is happening, unaware that God exists

and that He is bringing all these things into existence.

Help me stay awake dear Lord.

Our church needs a cure

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-art-of-motivation

What works on a cold congregation?
Not harsh words. Not hellfire and brimstone.. then what?

I think I found the answer! Magnificence and Joy. Preach the magnificence of God, induce desire for the joy in Him. That's what needs to be preached.
But how does one preach joy when one does not know joy well?

alright. I've got it. I've got the plan and direction going.

Why I don't do competitive sports

it's funny how I only realise this now, the trend down the years should've informed me more about myself.

I'm not much of a sportsman, not because I'm not athletic, but because my heart simply cannot contain the sense of loss that so often accompanies a match gone bad. The more I hear about the things people did in anger, the more I think that sports seem to make more enemies than friends.

Because I'm not satisfied with the begrudging sorrys and handshakes and pats on the back. Because my mind does not escape the awareness that they were truly themselves even in their outbursts of anger.

My heart mourns for what has happened, it burdens me.
But as I was lying on the floor in my room and thinking things through, I wonder why I haven't prayed for others in ING.
And so I sat myself down and prayed. I prayed that somehow people will remember to treasure one another over their victories (I know it sounds very unconvincing seeing that I've won both of the sports I'm in). I pray that the Christians amongst us, esp you Clarence you vulgarities spewing twit, will come to consider honouring God in the way we play.

Even I, I can... use a little bit of not-getting-angry-so-easily.

God what's your plan for ING? It's kinda late. But I pray you give me the eyes to see alright, and then I can start the rhythm by first changing myself.

Whereas for sports, I wonder if I'm right to dislike you.

the first thing in the morning

the curious thing is how we begin our days with a pretty strong test of our character and of the things we believe in.

waking up.

I believe that snoozing says a lot about us.
Sometimes it tells me that I've forgotten to give myself a reason to wake up to.
Sometimes it's horrible irresponsibility, flirting on the edge of latecoming because really, that's what I think of the thing I'm waking up for.
But really, every instance is of a deep distrust in God, a distrust that He is pleased when I wake up promptly, a distrust that His pleasure will mean the world to me.

So I'm really careful as I woke up today, knowing that it is my most vulnerable moment.
Knowing that my groggy head is no less certain that I am myself and that the choices I make shall betray and reinforce my attitudes towards things.

It is in vain that you rise up early
    and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
    for he gives to his beloved sleep
Psalms 127:2

When I sleep I ought to sleep as one who knows that sleep is a means through which God gives grace. But really, there is no room for such thought in snoozing.

He gives to His beloved in sleep.. yes, but not in snoozing.

Frisbee

So we won, Frisbee champions by score difference.

It brings me back to December last year.. it was so different then.
The shouting, the thirst to win, the blame pushing..
Of course there was a share of anger this year, with teammates who did not give in their 100%, with players who flout the rules (but maybe really never knew the rules to begin with). But all in all I slowed my tongue down. I chose my words with care.
This year we won a victory not too coveted, and that feeling is good.

Still, imagining how they'll probably invite me to join inter-college games scares me. The tembusu and usp guys were not remotely as gentle and good natured as the players today.
Speaking of which, they really made it easy to be a good sportsman on court today.
Thank God for the good characters on court today.

There are still two more days to go and I know tomorrow will be tough. I know that floorball will be rougher and pose as a greater challenge than today. Still I'm committed to stick to Romans 12, to not be conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewing of my mind. When all hell breaks lose, when players disregard the rules and when referees disappoint, Lord help me quiet down and test to see what you approve.
I'm determined.

expectations

"I looked over to my wife while driving thinking what will I do without her. God you are awesome."

Saw this on facebook and it triggered a thought in me. We all live on expectations don't we? Like the person who posted this status, sure he just meant to be loving... but isn't it time to think about what he should really do when she's gone... unless he expects her to be around, in some sense, unless he expects that his looking at his wife while driving shall never be the trigger to a horrific accident. 

Similarly, we expect lots of things. When I was young I expected that my close kins will never die while I'm young... until my dad was diagnosed with a heart disease which can take his life anytime. As humans, we all expect ourselves to be defaulted to salvation as well. Not sure why. We expect to be saved so much so that we think that being predestined for hell means actively made to go to hell even if... we're on a natural trajectory into it ourselves. 

But I wonder if we can do without expectations, if we can live life considering, careful to not take anything for granted... do we then still harbour one other expectation? Even then we expect that we are able to consider everything that happens or concerns us.. and that's a very very gross expectation to make. 

But I guess I can work on something great, learning to not expect life itself. Learning to realise how we are sustained every passing moment by God's grace. 

Psalm 90
1 Lord, you have been our dwelling place
throughout all generations.
2 Before the mountains were born
or you brought forth the whole world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.


3 You turn people back to dust,
saying, “Return to dust, you mortals.”
4 A thousand years in your sight
are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.
5 Yet you sweep people away in the sleep of death—
they are like the new grass of the morning:
6 In the morning it springs up new,
but by evening it is dry and withered.


7 We are consumed by your anger
and terrified by your indignation.
8 You have set our iniquities before you,
our secret sins in the light of your presence.
9 All our days pass away under your wrath;
we finish our years with a moan.
10 Our days may come to seventy years,
or eighty, if our strength endures;
yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow,
for they quickly pass, and we fly away.
11 If only we knew the power of your anger!
Your wrath is as great as the fear that is your due.
12 Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.


13 Relent, Lord! How long will it be?
Have compassion on your servants.
14 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
15 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.
16 May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.


17 May the favor[a] of the Lord our God rest on us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands.

Well, thank God, He Himself considers all things sovereignly, nothing is for granted and without reason. All my days pass before You, teach me to number them that I too may gain a heart of wisdom. 

My heart fell a little when I read the message. Reality is finally setting in, and with it, recollections from the previous semester. 

With the tutorials flooding in to what is essentially an overload semester and what with the Inter-Neighbourhood Games trainings, we're really not having the time we were used to... time in the holidays. 

And I wondered how we did it last sem.. and it dawned on me that we didn't. Because... well, I definitely didn't study as hard as I should have at least. But I don't want you to think that I'm putting the blame on you. It's those moments of weakness you know, when I pick up a pen to get to work on my readings and my phone vibrates. I drop the pen and grab my phone and then... time just slips away. 

We can really do much better... we'll just find other ways to love one another. For instance, I should really start getting down to sending that snail mail. Hope all is well, we should just Skype more. 

But this is why I care

"Why are you delving into calvinism?" asked a friend.

"Don't you think it cripples your ability to evangelise, since you think that it's the election that counts?"

Well, it's odd that people go all evangelism on me when we talk about calvinism. To me, calvinism has always been about the benefit it brings to me as a believer, in knowing how exactly I came to Christ. Feel free to say that it's not important, that it's a peripheral pursuit that I should lay down.



http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-value-of-knowing-how-god-saved-you
Just read that if you have time to spare. 

Else, I have not attained it, but I think that if I grasp God's sovereignty in my life, I ought to become more evangelical, striving to see God's powerful exercising of His sovereignty over and over as sinners come to Him through Christ.

When I say "it is made possible by God", "it it God who works, not me", "all Glory goes to Him", at least I can really mean it. 

Looking closely at the perfect law

James 1:19-27

19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. 21 Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.

22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

26 If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. 27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

and so, we were doing exploring Inductive Bible Study by applying it on James this week. There was this particular portion of the chapter which caught my eye.. and so I've decided to write it down here. 

at verse 19 James commands that everyone is to be quick to hear, slow to speak and anger. The rationale is that our anger never produces the righteousness of God. If I'm not horribly mistaken it means that anger does not produce the righteousness of God in our souls. Why do I guess this? 

Well, because with the word "therefore" in verse 21, James tells us what our response should be, knowing now that anger does not produce the righteousness of God. We should "receive with meekness the implanted word" which is able to save our souls. 

I see this to mean "anger will not save your souls, therefore choose instead the implanted word because the implanted word will". Anger does not reproduce in us the righteousness of God, however, God's word when received in humility, can. 

22 starts with a "but". Here James qualifies what it means to receive the implanted word meekly. Perhaps his audience was full of people who leap onto these things and say "aha, that's all I got to do right? Okay, I shall do nothing accept receive these words."

James responded preemptively to such interpretations, explaining that the true listener is also a doer. Be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves [that by merely hearing you have received the implanted word] What comes right after in 23-25 is the interesting portion. 

Here we are offered contrasting characters, one who listens only and one who listens and acts. The first is a man who looks at his face in the mirror only to walk away, immediately forgetting what he has seen. 

The second man is one who looks into the perfect law, persevering, acting, not becoming a "hearer who forgets". 

What's interesting here? In my own life I see that I study the bible quite a bit and more so, I find myself forgetting the things that I've learnt and discovered, what's more, I recall the sort of intense delight I have when I understand and God makes sense to me. So it's puzzling, how something which has delighted me so much at the moment of acquisition can become so backgrounded and forgotten, almost like how I forget how I look in the mirror moments after I've seen myself in it, only to turn back and catch a glance again just to remind myself. 

James answers my question: I forget because I do not act. Do you find yourself disgusted at how precious truth escape your careless mind? James tells us to stop whining and start acting- that will be when you start staring intently at the perfect law... and so become a person who truly receive[s] with meekness the implanted word. 

James sums it up for us: 26 If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. 27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

Don't waste your time looking at the word like a man who sees his own reflection in the mirror. Affix your eyes on the perfect law by acting on the things you hear. When you act you become a true hearer who does not forget... and that really puts you in a better position to be ever ready to serve God. 

This musical

It's always been my dream to be part of some production, one where I may really let myself go and act, sing and dance. I think I'd enjoy such a thing.

Yet on a second thought (and this thought always comes), I want to prove myself. For all the people who think I'm not up to it... for all the people who may treasure me more if they see me as talented..
This second thought mars the otherwise innocent ambition.

But I musn't forget what I set out to do, the conversation over supper still rings in my head. How does one feel strongly for something just a week ago and stumble over and make such huge mistakes a week after? I shouldn't have turned up for the audition. What was I thinking?

Maybe at least now I know what I am rejecting. Previously I kept myself away from it... but I had no idea what I was missing out on. Now I do, and the loss of it is obvious to me now.

1 Thessalonians 5:19–22 

"Do not quench the Spirit, do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast to what is good, abstain from every form of evil."

Do not despise prophecies. Mm. I tend to find all the "God said this to me...." despicable. 

Deep Love

1 John 4:7-21

7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

13 This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. 16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

19 We love because he first loved us. 20 Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. 21 And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.

This passage can be summarised as one about God's love for us, our love for one another and how we know that we live in God. 

Look at verse 15-16. "If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God and so we know and rely on the love God has for us." Okay, if we we acknowledge that Jesus is the Son of God, we come to know of the love God has for us. 

When does one acknowledge that Jesus is the Son of God? From my own experience I can think of 2. 

First is during worship. As we worship and praise God, sometimes God willing, we have this transcendent moment where our heart agrees with the lyrics of praise and we find ourselves in this position of admiration. We find God truly glorious and we confess "Jesus is Lord, Jesus is the Son of God!" So one occasion for the acknowledgement of the divinity of Christ is in a moment of adoration where we are at a loss of words to praise and settle on confessing instead. 

The second is sadly, when I sin. When I sin and fear the wrath of God, when I sin and feel exceedingly unworthy before God and the blood of Christ comforts me. When I think of how His sacrifice is sufficient, when I think of how my life now belongs to Him I see Him once again as Jesus, the Son of God. Jesus' divinity becomes emphasized when I'm feeling helpless and when my sin paints me a bleak picture because I know that it takes nothing short of the Son of God to turn my life around.

In these I know the love of God that I have come to rely on. 

There is another sense in verse 17-18. "This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

The perfect love of God drives out fear and so empowers us to live fearlessly like Jesus in this world. That means to face the suffering, the persecution, the unhappiness that will come to us as it has to Jesus, fearlessly. In other words, when we meet our challenges fearlessly, we come to know God's love for us. So, the trials that litter my life (and yours) are opportunities for us to meet bravely (rejecting fear which comes reflexively) so as to experience and know the love of God for us. 

Yes yes, but just a few days ago I wondered... God yes there is a brilliant design there that these "bad" things turn out to tell me of Your love for me... but seriously.. do You need to talk about Your love so much? I get the idea already!

Then almost immediately, I regretted it because I realised that.. it's probably true that I don't know God's love. God's love has moved some to write poems, has moved many to dance, has kept some awake at night, has caused some to meditate day and night, has brought peace in sleep... it's all written in the psalms, descriptions of how people have reacted to the knowledge of God's love for them. 

I'm nothing like that, it's obvious that I don't know God's love well enough. (Pats myself on the back, knowing God's love has driven some to blog extensively)

Ephesians 3:17-19

17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

The job of the saint is the attempt to comprehend the full measure of the love of God because it is through that comprehension that we will be filled with the fullness of God. Oh come dear Lord, walk me through the means by which you enlighten me about Your love. Teach me that I may come to know it deeply and fully. Help me to know it, that it may compel me and so I may live for You:

"For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

" (2 Corinthians 14-15)

Doing a reading on social variation: the 5 linguistic facts. I'm done with fact 4. 1 more to go but why the rush? I think it's worthwhile to chill out and finally get down to blogging again.

Anyway, this is an idea I don't want to forget after all.

Corinthians 12:27: Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

Now, I note that Corinthians 12-14 talks about spiritual gifts in Christ. In chapter 12 Paul talks about spiritual gifts as though functions of various body parts and how God's design for unity in the church is diversity in gifts and not homogeneity. This theme continues to play out in chapter 4 when Paul argues for why prophesying is better than tongues, because "The one who speaks in a tongue builds up himself, but the one who prophesies builds up the church. Now I want you all to speak in tongues, but even more to prophesy. The one who prophesies is greater than the one who speaks in tongues, unless someone interprets, so that the church may be built up" (14:4-5). Spiritual gifting is a very church-ward thing. It is tied to the idea of how the many gifts come together to function as a body... and how they are considered according to how much they can benefit the church.

Anyway, the teacher was saying that 12:27 tells us the context for the use of gifts: within the body. As a member. I felt that this has great potential for an argument of church attendance.

You see: if spiritual gifts are to be exercised within the context of the church, then the exerciser must identify themselves with a church as they dispense their gifts. Or, i.e. it is somewhat illegal to exercise your spiritual gift without highlighting your affiliation to the church or, without benefitting the other members in the church.
Or, you cannot use your gifts in the best possible way if you do not attend church.

So, how about... being a Christian but not exercising your gifts? Then you can legitimately shun the church and stay at home right? I'm afraid not.

In Corinthians we learn that God has given to each, each's spiritual gift and He definitely has a design in doing so. This compulsory possession of gifts... is therefore an order to attend a church. You are given, expected to exercise and hence expected to attend.

We taste Thee, O Thou Living Bread,
And long to feast upon Thee still:
We drink of Thee, the Fountainhead
And thirst our souls from Thee to fill.

Having Him I now covet Him. 

Having Him I long for Him

Assured, I fear to lose Assurance

Hopeful, I flee from desperation. 

God let me taste you and give me a brain to remember it. 

Else let me taste you and taste you again for remembrance. 

May I be drawn, dependent, addicted. 

May I be narrow, consider no other. 

Somethings are just a little too late.

Like typing in front of this computer and using the microsoft word I've desired to use throughout all 4 weeks of report writing in fairfield. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why I took so long to do something as simple as acquiring someone else's login and password.

And now even as I'm typing away on a report and possibly enjoying it, it is a little too late, because... it's the last day. Sometimes it's a little too late to only receive feedback on the last day, some fundamental and regarding my character, some so minute you can turn it around in an instant.
And it's too late, I'm not going to get a chance to prove myself. To show that if someone told me earlier I can do it better. It's too late perhaps, to even try and see just how big a challenge it is.

It's too late to change the mind of the superior perhaps. Too late to speak with the louder word which is action. She'll be typing away a report on me, convicted that her observations are without any misalignment. It's too late, I cannot change those gleeful hands.

Today's feedback while humbling, was also frustrating. It felt like a "let's see how well you can blame yourself segment".
There were comments about how I can have higher EQ and improve on my inter-personal relations. Then there are the free-flying accusations of lack of proactivity. It does get ridiculous.
For instance, I was attached to this teacher from 4G with the vague instruction to assist him. First day at lessons I was asked to take the weaker students whose questions mainly centered around misunderstanding or ignorance of the marking scheme- LORMS.
Reflecting on that, I said I wished I anticipated that and got myself trained before going into class and making a fool of myself. I still think that to be something pretty decent for me to say.

But instead, I was accused of being passive. Of not approaching the teacher earlier to find out what I was required to do and then to, in my own time, go learn the things necessary. Oh, and forget about the fact that I attended those lessons only twice, she asked why I did not go the extra mile to help the students in other ways, as the other scholar did.

That's really bewildering. Did she mean that she has the right to expect that from me... and not her teacher? At best I concede that both me and the teacher I was attached to were not pro active enough. But seriously, to pin it down to me, on my last day in school...

This is why the feedback was frustrating. There were accurate stuff, and the downright presumptuous comments. It's like offering you something nutritious and then... mixing some dung on it and expecting you to swallow it whole on the account of what remains nutritious within.
And you want to retaliate, to clarify. But your gut is familiarized. It tells you that your qualifications, when perceived through those tinted glasses, become nothing more than excuses. Excuses which fortify the impression that you're just this dont-wanna-be-here person.

And now it seems all too late. No shot at redeeming yourself nor explaining your way away. But it isn't.

I guess what counts is what I do with the really relevant shreds of advice and criticism, what counts is when summer comes again next year.

I'm not good with the interpersonal relations thing I guess. But just because I'm bad it doesn't mean that every contrived criticism will stick.

I feel compelled to end this on an optimistic note.

I still am.

Do not be satisfied

If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

I never forget this quote from weight of glory by C.S. Lewis.

I've had the happiest of days recently, yet Lord keep me dissatisfied. Do not let my desires remain weak. Give me a huge appetite and a spacious gut to stomach You.

My desire for you must surpass that for C.
Give her a big spiritual appetite too.

Your staff

What keeps an emotionally unstable youth from going for a reckless late night movie alone? Your staff o Lord. What keeps the anger down and selects choice tender words? What makes a heart invoke You in an unhappy conversation? Your staff, it leads me and comforts me.
Your rod will come soon. I know.

And who braves this in a cold winter's night? Who's struggling in the cold which invades the fingers which search Your word frantically even now? Who's clad in that jacket with a hood that is green on the underside? God if you glance towards Australia and see one such person, would you give her peace that I cannot secure? Would you comfort her, would you conjure happy memories? Will you call forth tears from her eyes, out from a rocky heart?
Would you just sustain us? Can you heal it as you did in the past? Can you make all things new again?

No I shall guard my heart for how else can I lead?
And yet to be a leader is to be lonely. Lord how shall I lead if You do not guide? Even so, bring her to our side... And someday purge this loneliness by making us of one mind, one hope and one flesh.

I don't have more to say. I have these to pray. Reach her as she seeks, answer when she calls. I let it go.

I have found for thirty years that preaching and teaching about God's demand that we delight in Him more than in anything else breaks and humbles people, and makes them desperate for true conversion and true Christianity. Oh, how easy it is to think we are what we ought to be when the emotions are made peripheral! Mere thoughts and mere deeds are mangeable by the carnal religious mind. But the emotions- they are the weathercock of the heart. Nothing shows the direction of the deep winds of the soul like the demand for radical, sin-destroying, Christ-exlating joy in God

John Piper- Alive to Wonder, Celebrating the Influence of C.S. Lewis

Your departure- the glorious calamity

I do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, concerning the affliction which we experienced in Asia for we were so exceedingly unbearably crushed that we despaired even of life, but we had in ourselves this sentence of death in order that we might not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. (2 Corinthians 1:8–9)

Paul and Co met with afflictions which were so exceeding the despaired even of life. However, as those who love God, these afflictions worked towards their good, that they may learn to rely on God. When terrible calamities come, the need to rely on God becomes more apparent. It is not that we do not need to rely on God to do the mundane but it seems that we are more acutely aware of our need to rely on God when bigger things come. As the calamities go, the faithful retain their lesson and realise that God sustains every single small thing thing in our lives, the faithful rejoice and become perpetually grateful. 

Your departure is a calamity of sorts. Best is if my heart aches so much for you it drives me to my knees. Next may be all the insecurities we have to deal with which will be so heartbreaking because we cannot thrash it out face-to-face. Worst will be the gradual loss of memory and affection, as the bustle or our own carelessness drives us into the background and it becomes increasingly difficult to put in the effort to meet on skype and to take interest in telling each other about our days. 

I guess I'll learn... learn to rely on God for everything. I'll learn to rely on Him to satisfy me, learn to rely on Him to stay faithful, learn to rely on Him for wisdom to guide you.. There are even places of reliance I cannot even fathom now, but these things will all come as you leave. 

We did remind ourselves to not get too caught up with the sad stuff and forget to enjoy the present... But hey C, we can take it further. Let's start getting enthusiastic about your departure.


http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/your-calamity-in-1973

Do the miracles stop happening?

Galatians 3:3

Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?

This verse came to my mind as I was walking to school on Monday. I was thinking of her and all the good things God has brought us thus far. The times we disagreed but settled peacefully, the times of brave opinion and correction which brought us closer rather than drove us apart... we began in faith, looking to God to provide for everything... and everything was good. 

And as I was walking, I was aware that something in my head has taken a turn. I've begun to... well, crave for her body. While the little acts of affirmation has gone well with me as they came, the consecutive days running from wednesday to friday took a toll on me. I was changing and the change was hidden from me. 

Still ignorant of what was happening, I thought of her fondly, our messages conveying virtual hugs and pats on the head. I think I love her, I vaguely remember God... but I still do remember Him. 

Taking in a breath, I responded to my recollection of the verse. 

"By grace of course, or we'll be dead." 

"No, you've gone by flesh instead"

This was the awful truth which only became apparent on tuesday. Fiercely anticipating our meeting, I alighted from the bus at central library. I see her, there, my heart leaps and I felt the euphoria I've been calling love. Everything felt okay, as normal as any other day. That was until the rain came down as we were walking down to clementi arcade (no don't be silly it's not THAT sort of arcade). Cheeky as I am, I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her tightly against me as we shared the umbrella, freeing up unnecessary room beneath the shade. She was so tight beside me she could barely hold the umbrella up. It was enjoyable (and will be more so in the furture), but everything... went wrong from there. 

From a prolonged holding of hands over ice-cream to her hooking of her arm with mine as we strolled down cold storage, to dubious looks exchanged along the sidewalk... to my intentional headbutts and her subsequent leaning on my shoulders, to my touching of her face... These things I shudder to imagine again. 

Perplexed, I decided that we had to clamp down on these things because as they were all happening, she felt strangely far away, my heart strangely broken from a profound sense of loss. I learnt from her that night that she was cross with my take on her accommodation in sydney, over my seeming lack of biblical concern over the sexually immoral neighbourhood of larkin street. When I was able to somewhat successfully defend my position, she felt stupid and inadequate and was besieged by doubts about my love for her. Finding no recluse, she sought assurance by being physically intimate, thinking that if I would touch her she would be convinced that I loved her. 

And the whole time I was just... enjoying it, the thought that she was feeling unloved eluded my mind. When I learnt that this was the case, I felt like an animal. For the first time the words "I love you" choked me, for there are serious reasons, since I went and did all of that, to doubt that I love her at all. 

She said she doesn't want to give it up. She said that maybe there's God's plan in this. But really, none of that so much as put a smile on my face. A deathly weight bore down on me since tuesday night, a sense of dread I dragged with me to school... and back. 

It was a sense of loss I guess. A sentiment that our mistake has caused us to lose something precious we can never get back. Then... there is also that sickening taunt, a relentless whisper by my ear, reminding me of how little I love her. That was... until she said that it felt like the honeymoon period just ended. 

To me, the honeymoon period is where couples are deeply in love with one another. Of course the temporal honeymoons were driven by affection which could end... with boredom, with physical deterioration and so on. In my definition, if they truly love each other, the honeymoon lasts forever. Who says that people take each other for granted over time? It is not time, but fading love which causes ungratefulness. In my opinion, true love causes eternal honeymoons, a relationship I'm certain all God-loving people share with God. 

And the bible teaches that the man is to love his wife to the extent he lays his life down for her. Ephesians 5:25 says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”. The wife reciprocates this love with submission to the man. Such love takes the relationship into a perpetual honeymoon. 

By I love her so little. That was evident in the following verses “27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—”. I had forsaken my role of caring for her and keeping her pure, holy and blameless. I was unaware of her danger and carried her away to blameworthy things. The Word judges that I don’t love her very much at all. 

Upon realising that, the sense of loss evaporated. I never had it because I love her so little and hence was never in the honeymoon to begin with. We didn't fall from an ideal state... rather we were always journeying towards it and this encounter now seems like a huge leap forward- our honeymoon is not only not over, it is not yet. 

I became suddenly joyful. I know that the perfection God describes in the bible is humanly unattainable, meaning that God performs everything He describes. This love is a God thing. His goodness is behind it. He will supply the strength and change the heart into adequate instruments. If this is a God thing then... Even when it seems unsalvageable, it is. 

Then I felt it, a calm surge of love for her. One which quietly desires her purity, one so strong it began to drown out all my desires for physical intimacy, I felt us returned to the days from before when we knew of our affection for each other, saw of God’s grace in it and were satisfied. I was... Satisfied again. 

“Do miracles ever stop happening?” was the first thought in my mind. Why, many times over God has visited us with His grace and each revisit seems more incredible than the last. I’ve had my previous relationship torn apart by the very same sense of dread, a dread which nourished negativity, anger and finally separations after separations. This same dread was dealt with within the day this time. I had eyes to see, to admit my lack of love and I was forgiven and freed. This exhilarating freedom, this defeat of an old enemy, can such magic happen again? My hope dwindles. 

Yes it can, I resolved to be hopeful and confident, exercising faith in the God who loves me. I choose not nervous cowardice, but put on excitement and enthusiasm, looking ahead to the miracles God will continue to work. Show me the good things dear Lord, the pleasure of walking in your ways, the reward of trusting in you. Let me live in radical obedience and surrender to You. 

A final note. I revisited the moment when I was set free and realised that the key was gratefulness. The eureka moment came as we attempted to give thanks to God, even as our hearts were sore and our hopes were low. In 1 Thessalonians 5, Paul gives some final instructions, explaining to what ends they were for in verse 23, “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” To rejoice(16), pray continually(17) and give thanks in all circumstances(18) was part of these instructions. 

Rejoicing, praying, and giving thanks all serve as means through which God will sanctify and keep us blameless as we await Jesus’ return. I see now how God has fulfilled this promise of His, as we prayed and gave thanks, there also were we sanctified.  

I love you C. 

Impending departure.

They were calling for pre-bible study on 14th july.

14th july? The date seemed familiar. Checking back our conversation I found it, Estherminator.

But 14th july? You mean, just 3 days after I'll be at the airport, sending you off in tears?
I shut my eyes, it's nearer than I thought. The last I checked we had 21 days and now, 16. I shudder at the thought. Will God prepare me sufficiently before that day comes? I don't know, somehow I doubt so.

I don't think it's necessary for me to be spared the pain. In fact, I wonder if I'll ever learn without struggle!
It's coming and I want to treasure EVERY day.

Yes tough times are coming... but I'll remember to smell the flowers (or the flower), I trust God, I trust that nothing less than ideal will happen. I pray that I become acquainted with that ideal so I will rejoice as I see it coming.

leadership in drinking water.

What does it mean to be head of the household? What does it mean to submit? What does it mean by mutual submission? These are very big questions to answer before you walk into a relationship (or a disaster).

Does a submissive wife seat passive doing nothing? Are her suggestions an ungodly attempt to wrestle the leadership of the husband? I doubt that be the case. Being a helper, she is meant to make suggestions, what more, there are many things, we can plainly see, women are more proficient in. Isn't it terrible if we forgo such an advantage over a misunderstanding of what leadership is?

At the core of it I think it constitutes making the ultimate decision, whenever possible.
It may look like this:

Where shall we go for vacation dear?

I'm dry on ideas, what do you think?

I think we can go to cambodia, it is affordable, the food is akin and therefore acceptable to the chinese palate, the tourist spots are meaningful and worthwhile and if possible we can even visit an orphanage or two.

That's an excellent idea. Let's go cambodia.


In this scenario the wife arguably made up the meat of the final decision to go cambodia. It was entirely her idea and the motivations all dreamt up by her. However, being the head, the husband declares with finality that the family goes to cambodia, the wife submits because it is a wise decision (even though her own).

I don't think leadership means to have really original ideas and decisions, never incorporating anything the wife says. It's about making the final call.
In a sense, "what do you think?" is a far more biblical thing to say as compared to "you decide" though arguably, the decision to pass down the decision making is also leadership (so i guess it really depends on the heart which says it. Does it really say "i refuse to make a decision" or does it say "it is in my good pleasure to decide that you make the decision"?)

And so from across the table she pushes the bottle of water closer to me. It means "drink up, you'll feel better."

Initially, I didn't plan to drink it, but now I see the point. I recognize the good advice and I make a call. Picking the bottle up, I take the hearty swig. We're in a good position. Thank God.

http://dwynrhh6bluza.cloudfront.net/resources/documents/5165/bbmw_chapter_2.pdf?1340643132

Shamelessly

Seated across me is a long-standing inspiration. God knows my life has changed drastically ever since I had this inspiration on 25^th January. 
Oh, I’m also at the place where we first met. This is the Central Library where Tembusu’s Grease was held. 

It’s hard to imagine that only yesterday I let her in on perhaps the most devastating (relationship wise) secret I have. A secret many of you don’t even know. 

As we sat side by side on the bus, shoulders ever so slightly touching, I finished the sweet, the prayer and began to speak. I had rehearsed the moment countless times in my head, jolted to prayer because the it always went bad in my head. At that point in time, I said, “so, I’ve struggled with it since secondary 4...” and it just trailed off. Suddenly my tongue was dead and the air in my chest locked in. I was overwhelmed with unwillingness to speak, fear, fear that in my endeavor to love her more I would forfeit myself forever. My hands grasped around for hers. Finding them I recalled what I said before. 

Having her was never a goal I can secure. But being honest with her was something positively God glorifying, a goal which is good, a goal which I knew God’s goodness was fully behind, working towards its fruition. Knowing that, I told her all I could in a short brief account, an account she completed with her very own questions. 

“I’ll fight for you” she said. Leaning against my shoulder, my head on hers, we were at our physical closest. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually however, it was much much closer. I breathed deeply, her head was warm and comfortable, the warmth betraying a heart beating hard for the minutes passed. “Don’t break her heart tucky”, was heaven’s cry. 

I didn’t notice it, but now I do. On first glance it seems that I should have asked her to hold my hands, letting them go as soon as she knows she cannot accept me. In fact, this was how I had imagined it to be in the days leading up to it. But how it happened was opposite to that, I held her hands and I held them tight. 
What’s significant only became obvious when I told her this morning. 

For me it is obvious now that my pursuit of her cannot stem from a sense of deservedness. I don’t. Perhaps, if I were to speak for her, neither does she. Nobody deserves anyone in this wretched world. Recalling Genesis 2:22, God formed the woman and brought her to the man. If God delights in giving her to me, He will bring her to me. I think we have glorified God in this relationship, practicing copious amounts of self-control and making the effort to pray everytime we meet. That said, the many encounters with His grace in times of crisis... If He does not delight in watering this seed, then what? In a sketchy way, it is believable that God delights in giving her to me... Time will tell. 

And then she accepts me without my deserving of it. It’s so mind-bending. I don’t deserve her love but the last thing I can do is to reject it because of that. I accept her forgiveness, shamelessly, gratefully. 

Me holding onto her hands... Was significant because even though I’m undeserving, God gives grace. Even though I’m undeserving, she accepts me. Reaching out to hold her hands was significant of the war I’ll fight constantly, putting down my desire to feel deserving while trusting and having faith in both God and her faithfulness this seeming shameless act is my only response to their love for me. 

And so I shamelessly hold those hands, shameless not in an unrepentant way, but a rejection of deservedness and an embracing of grace... Through faith. 

无量仁慈，无量恩典

此恩能否 及我身

罪人之中由我为首

能否还能蒙主赦宥

恳求主你垂听

慈爱原是你的本性

众过犯求主赦免

我今俯伏主脚前

求使我诚心悔改

为我过犯感悲哀

过去悖逆今深悔

痛哭归主永远离罪。

Please. A true repentance

Joel 2:12-17 NASB

"Yet even now," declares the L ord , "Return to Me with all your heart, And with fasting, weeping and mourning; And rend your heart and not your garments." Now return to the L ord your God, For He is gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness And relenting of evil. Who knows whether He will not turn and relent And leave a blessing behind Him, Even a grain offering and a drink offering For the L ord your God? Blow a trumpet in Zion, Consecrate a fast, proclaim a solemn assembly, Gather the people, sanctify the congregation, Assemble the elders, Gather the children and the nursing infants. Let the bridegroom come out of his room And the bride out of her bridal chamber. Let the priests, the L ord ' s ministers, Weep between the porch and the altar, And let them say, "Spare Your people, O L ord , And do not make Your inheritance a reproach, A byword among the nations. Why should they among the peoples say, 'Where is their God?'"

Dear Lord I think of this wednesday and shudder. By now I don't think my sin is unforgivable. However I fear that I don't find myself truly broken and repentant. 

Lead me to repent dear Lord! Rend my heart, let it be bear before you. Teach me and I'll learn, grant me an appetite and I'll thirst for You.

What God wants

2 jehovah witnesses came knocking on my door yesterday. Our conversation transversed many topics, but I didn't know that they were JW until the final moment.

Anyway, while I was talking we had this particular question. The woman asked me:

"What do you think God really wants from people?"

drawing from the bible studies we did this year, quickly, I replied that it is obedience. 

How does God intend obedience to happen? By faith. Faith in what? Promises. 

Hebrews 11:8 reveals that  “By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance.”

He obeyed by faith. The object of his faith was the promise, the inheritance that he would receive if he obeyed. 

Is this an exclusive incident? Not so, the bible often follows a command with a promise.
“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward” (Colossians 3:23–24).

Or love one another (command), by this the world will know you are my disciples (promise).

So this morning I was considering my disobedience and noticed that I've often gotten ahead of myself in the work of obedience. I think "nah, promises? It's okay, I can do it without any reward."

But I'm wrong. God's design is for the promises to motivate my obedience. However because the promises are not yet, I need to have faith in them, a trust that God will honour His word and fulfill His promises. This is what the bible means when it says "by faith Abraham obeyed", by faith in God that the promises will come to fruition, Abraham obeyed. 

Isn't this very... reward centric and not God centric then? It is reward centric if I don't read the bible well. But the bible does not shy from exerting that ultimately, God is the greatest reward to our every act of obedience. The omnipotent God Himself will be our help, He will be our God, our exceeding reward.

After this, the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision: "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward." Genesis 15:1

Oh God help me to consider you as my reward. When I turn from obedience remind me of what I'm missing. Move my heart into enthusiastic surrender, give me the appetite for this great great reward. 

Arts camp endeavour

"Honestly, even when I was in O week, I felt my conscience troubled by the games, the cheers and the talk transpiring around me. I also wince at all the stories of how couples get together quickly after camps only to find each other unsuitable. We know that camps are intimate and more often than not the intimacy is but a euphoria. We know we should not cling to it, but this is one camp where they actually push you to perpetuate it..."


The evils of arts camp. They try to hard. It isn't an offer of friendship, they desire to make it stick.
"You must hang out with your OG even after camp ah!"
" See how the seniors keep coming back?"

Please. Why do they hold onto the romantic idea of making friends for life at camp? Why force it?

I'm attempting to spend some time to recount the reasons for which I heeded the call for volunteers. During O week I saw girls who were uncomfortable with the way things were, freshies who needed a senior to give them solid advice, to affirm their conscience, to provide a counter-culture but..
No matter how nice any of the seniors were, none of them could provide.

I want to be a provider of advice and comfort. I want to be more than a single-dimensional senior who tackles the hesitation of the campers by insisting the new norm. I want to talk them through their struggles... and hopefully show them how Christ is the superior energy behind my thoughts.

Dear Lord, the camp has yet to start and already I see myself disliking at least one of the people in the team. God I pray for myself, that I may remember my position as but a volunteer. As a volunteer I am to assist the group leader to my fullest capacity. Now I keep exalting the circumstances with which I agreed to help and tend to put on airs when I'm being ask to do something. Let this not be dear Lord, help me to be a humble servant with one mind, that is, to give the campers a wholesome experience through my assistance to the group leader.

And even as I feel like I'm being taken for granted, help me dear Lord to look towards you for my reward. My work is not in vain and neither are you blind, rewarding generously all who serve you. Let me turn my gaze towards you and be immensely satisfied.

Just as,
Colossians 3:22–24.
Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

I serve you, the Christ who loves me and gave Your life for me that I may no longer live for myself but for You. 

I pray also for the rest of the councillors, submitting them into Your hands. Will you use them Lord? For your sheep amongst the campers? Will you move the secular authority to do good to your elect present as surely as you have promised in Romans 8:28? Surely you will move them and I along, amidst them. 

Lord I pray for the campers too. I pray that you guard their hearts against temptation and so they begin to really enjoy their time together at games and sharing. God I pray you ignite your elect amongst them that they may shine like stars amidst this fallen generation. May there be a spectacle of Your glory O Lord. Cause me to crave and thirst for me, equip me to fight for it. Sustain me to strive for it and finally, open my eye to savour it. 

In Your most precious name,

Amen. 

1 samuel curiousities

Reading old testament books gives a glance into how the people in the past understood God.

Since C recommended me to read it this morning, I did.

Here are some of my thoughts:

1 Samuel 2:25
25 If one person sins against another, God[a] may mediate for the offender; but if anyone sins against the Lord, who will intercede for them?” His sons, however, did not listen to their father’s rebuke, for it was the Lord’s will to put them to death.

The way the words are phrased is curious here. There are like verses in other parts of the bible. Notice the author's reasoning of the death of Eli's sons: they'd die if they do not repent and they could not repent because God willed them to die because of their sins.
It's a stretch to say that God made them unable to repent. Mainstream theology understands that Man is fallen and incapable of repentance. So perhaps it is safer to say that God did not give them to means to repent because He somehow wanted their death. There's this age long question here, our Lord who does not wish any to perish but all to be saved (2 peter 3:9) is at this moment willing the demise of these 2 guys.


1 Samuel 3:14
14 Therefore I swore to the house of Eli, ‘The guilt of Eli’s house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering.’”
 What is the meaning of this? In doing bible overview we repeatedly discussed this. While the day of atonement exists to cleanse the sins of the people, there were tell tale signs that it was not sufficient.
1. An entire generation of Israelites were doomed to perish before they even saw the promise land. (12-13 numbers).
2. Despite cleansing, it remains that not everyone could enter the Holy of Holies.
3. Logic of Hebrews 8-10. If it were effectual, it'd only have to be done once.

Is this case in 1 sam 3:14 an explicit mention of God not allowing guilt to be atoned by sacrifice? Did the same thing happen to those who perished in the desert? Quite possibly so!


1 Samuel 3:19-20
19 The Lord was with Samuel as he grew up, and he let none of Samuel’s words fall to the ground. 20 And all Israel from Dan to Beersheba recognized that Samuel was attested as a prophet of the Lord.

Heard it often in sunday school class that a proof of a prophet was not in the few prophecies they got correct, but that they were correct 100% of the time. These verses here reveals how the Israelites saw the act of prophesying: God telling man, man pronouncing the prophecy and finally God actively acts to ensure the fulfillment of it.
I used to think of prophecy as like... a reading of the future. Here it seems that it is a little more. It is like a goal setting which is then divinely attained. It feels more than a "this will happen", it sounds like a "I will make this happen". In prophecy God is revealing a portion of the future... but more than that, He commits Himself to making it happen.  

it means it doesn't matter

Have you ever heard an answer to a question and felt that it was so awfully balanced that there was no ground to take a stand at all?

I have. Naturally our response to such answers is to ask "why answer at all?"
The brash ones amongst us may hazard a "how is that even an answer?"

What if the answer was good? What if the problem's with the question itself?

I think such bland vague answers sometimes correspond to questions not worth asking.
Reading Hebrews I wondered: was it easier to believe in God in the past (Exodus times)?
I can think of arguments for both sides. I don't see a clear answer to the question... but now I see more.
I see that this question is not worth grabbing onto as though my life depended on it.


and so... I move on.

my thoughts

Jeremiah 9:23-24

"Thus says the LORD: "Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the LORD.""

Hi C, you wondered why I haven't blogged. I think I didn't really know the reason, but now I catch a glimpse of it. 

Life has been far too smooth sailing. There was nothing to blog about. 

But today there is. For the shock I could not express (talking to you is so enjoyable it creates this euphoria that everything's okay), I spill it now. 

I found my source of discomfort and it is remarkable that I find it in a verse from which many find comfort instead.

You see, the Lord delights in people understanding and knowing Him. In people with eyes and appetite to take in and make much of the love, justice and righteousness God displays in the earth. 

Yeah so it seems odd that we should insult God by thinking that his delight in us diminishes when we under perform in something as peripheral as our academic results. Then I realise that... we cannot assume to know the Lord. Too many too quickly find comfort in what can be a terrifying verse. 

Unwilling to continue my folly, I shall not be foolishly comforted. I don't want to think: oh, I haven't done well but God delights in knowing Him so I guess He still delights in me.

Does He? Is He pleased... because have I lived my life reflecting the knowing of Him?

I'm afraid not!

There is not rest in this for me! There is no escape. 

I have to repent. I must repent for having not known the Lord. My results are but the symptoms, the real illness is not knowing Him. 

Someday I will know the joy in this verse. Maybe a while later. Not now, or rather, not from under performing. 

Disclaimer: I have reflected and of this I'm sure. I'm sure that my under performance is highly related to my attitude which stems from my understanding of God. The modules were neither difficult nor was saturday hard to remember. God does not desire for us to repent recklessly and so I don't. 

This mum

I'm not quite sure what the reason is, but my mum has been most easily provoked these few days. She's been going on about all sorts of "drink the soup now" and "why do you all always forget", with the ever significant tone of utter disappointment present in her voice.

Frankly, I'm quite sick of it. A few days ago I'd debate with her. Now I don't. I think it's got to do with my aunt and how her children were reluctant to pay for the slip disc operation. My mum's been grumpy, and occasionally accusing my not washing of plates as a symptom for not providing for her in the future.

I'm trying my best to understand. God is there anything You can do? I pray you keep me going, keep me brave to correct her when she gets out of hand, energize me, don't let my love grow cold.

If there's anything suitable to do which when done can assure her, lead me to those things. 
However, by no means spoil my mum. Honestly, would You love her and discipline her too?

jim elliot

Shadow of the Almighty

   Reading his biography brings chills to me. A talented, witty, intelligent man called to missions. I used to think that somehow being intellectually furnished means God sends you into the workplace. Now that I think about it, the rigors of mission life... doesn't it take precisely such a person? Someone to think on his feet, someone who sees ahead, someone efficient...

  I dare not compare. He lived a truly radical life. Yet in my head I know there was nothing special about him, nothing exclusive, it isn't a life I cannot have. I feel... my words come back to me. The times when I said that it is quite unrighteous to hope to walk away from a realization unchanged. It seems like I'm standing at a precipice and notably how the temptations encamp ever closer, how the responsibilities surge. I'm standing before a revolution, do I pick up arms. Do I start?

 

what a day

Barely after concluding the previous post, someone called out my name. Looking up, it was a familiar face, a friend from orientation week.
In her usual socially awkward fashion, she got a drink and sat somewhere else. So I texted her to come over. Oh, we were at one-north Starbucks.

What happened next was quite a slew of random conversations, just catching up. Commenting that my hair was long, I showed her a picture of what it was before I had it cut. Something else in the picture caught her eye.

It was this particular other girl. She asked if I know her. Sure I do, she's from my neighbourhood and she is someone I... know too much about perhaps. So I started recounting about how I knew her. The girl in the picture was a girl my ex often complained to me about, a girl who "flirted" constantly with her former boyfriend while they were still together. Now my friend seated across the table had her eyebrows raised.

She asked me for the name of the guy. At my reply, her eyes widened and she was becoming teary. She looked really shocked.

"why, you're dating him now are you?" I asked teasingly.

but it wasn't funny because her best friend is kinda seeing him now.
And so she asked me about what I know about that guy, and I told her as much I knew for sure.

I hope her best friend is able to walk away from this one. He's really dangerous... well he was.
A part of me wonders if he's turned into a new leaf. I can't possibly know for sure.
A part of me wonders if today is the very reason why I had to go through what I did, if this conversation and my knowledge of this person was meant to save this poor ignorant friend from trouble.

I cannot tell. I wish my friend all the best with her best friend. I reminded her to pray. I sent her off. Fingers crossed.