Psalms 19: 9b-10
the rules of the LORD are true,
and righteous altogether.
More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
When will one attain such affections for the commandments of God?
If I may desire them as most precious, as sweetest... invigorating to my soul.
We were discussing this topic on Saturday during choir and I found it to be quite the fruitful discussion.
As always, barely moments after I learn a new thing I find myself being put to the test.
You see, having nothing really structured to do during holidays is a really bad thing.
In the bible we see that idleness is fertile grounds for disobedience.
So after a full day of failure, Saturday's discussion finally came to mind in the night.
I suppose I'm really not well practiced in the contemplation of the joy of salvation.
Namely, I'm not quite glad or impressed with the fact that I am saved.
Not quite excited about the process of sanctification whereby each trial and temptation is my path is an opportunity to choose God and say no.
Not quite tantalised by the prospect of service for which I am saved. Not busying myself to serve better after God has redeemed our license to serve him.
It's in moments like these when... I don't feel like I'm much of a Christian at all.
I'm barely being one, if I can be said to be even trying.
What was it that I said to my friend the other day about a crucial mark of a Christian?
Contrition.
Yes, contrition, feeling sorry about our rebellion and imperfection.
A heart that is broken, quick and willing to repent. That's what it's supposed to be.
When I was speaking to my friend about this I still felt the strongest of convictions that this is true and in some ways I've attained it.
After which perhaps I've been sitting on my laurels.
Oh God help me to desire these things. Make me a man who is eager to face challenges and steely to overcome.
I'm sick of being a small boy.
Sometimes I do get myself carried away, thinking, hoping that she's actually warming up to me.
I don't want to fall back into the sort of distrusting (in God) desperation I found myself in at the start of the year.
I don't think it's fair for her to have to live with that sort of vibe from me either.
Moving forward I thought I found new direction, love and thanksgiving.
First, I don't know why it took so long for me to reach here, but I thought she'd really be upset to see me as a friend only to have me on the other end insisting on nothing less than a romantic relationship.
So strangely enough, for her sake I must keep my mind in check. When my imagination wanders I have to arrest it.
While it's good to have good dreams, its frequency must not make me dread reality.
Next, I don't know why it took so long for this either, but I'm starting to realise that I don't thank God enough for friendships.
Isn't it wonderful enough to be friends? In my sober moments, with time to think, I'd say, "yes!"
And so I want to make it a point to give thanks for what I have, at the moment, for itself, without stubbornly looking on, postponing that thanksgiving as though I ought to be certain that there is more in the horizon...
Oh wait, there is more in the horizon, just not necessarily here.
God you know that I'm awake at this moment in the night because I feel that kid in me jumping up and down, over excited, unaddressed.
You also know that I'm thinking of the things I've done in the past.
Why these days I'd think... well... honestly I don't think I'm ready for a relationship.
I know people say that you become ready and you never become ready so being "ready" is a myth. I know, but I don't think I'm pretending to be humble here.
It's just that... this area of my life has gone so long unexamined. I just... feel compelled to kick back a little and look at what I've done in the past.
The irresponsibility, the lies I tell the girls or the lies I tell others to cover myself up.
All the compulsions, the heat of the moment... Words said for perceived felicity...
Oh God have mercy on my tormented soul.
It's really no surprise I don't sleep well every night.
Some nights I'm arrogantly entertaining thoughts of the future, some nights I'm writhing, haunted by accusations from my past.
Do I love her? Why, even that only time will tell. I feel so helpless because even things about my self can be opaque from me.
There's a whirlwind of thoughts in my head but thinking fails me. Perhaps I'm not thinking in the way I should.
Perhaps thinking doesn't answer the question as I hoped it would.
Have I taken these affairs too flippantly? The poignant tone in this post does not represent the average of the sum of my thoughts.
Shall I be dead serious with it though? Will it not crush me?
Why, I recall a talk not too longer ago about the use of humour to avoid confrontation, to delay and postpone, to remain passive.
Well, I surmise that I know nothing and pray God You help me.
The night sky pours forth speech, declaring your wisdom and glory
I too pour forth speech, declaring my ignorance and foolishness.
Oh what privilege that though I am a fool you reply with wisdom.
That though my speech does not enrich your mind you bring me repeatedly to heights I've never known.
And though moving forward I have nothing more than these 2 simple principles...
I gladly push on.
Today's reading touched on the topic of reading. Oh, this is from the book "Spiritual Leadership" by J. Oswald Sanders.
It was about reading.
Not entirely unprecedented for me because I had the inkling that reading up was important for a leader.
But this part was what really cut to the heart...
Why does today's Christian find the reading of great books always beyond him? Certainly intellectual powers do not wane from one generation to another. We are as smart as our father, and any thought they could entertain we can entertain if we are sufficiently interested to make the effort. The major cause of the decline in the quality of current Christian literature is not intellectual but spiritual. To enjoy a great religious book requires a degree of consecration to God and detachment from the world that few modern Christians have. The early Christian Fathers, the Mystics, The Puritans, are not hard to understand, but they inhabit the highlands where the air is crisp and rarefied, and none but the God-enamored can come... One reason why people are unable to understand great Christian classics is that they are trying to understand without any intention of obeying them.
Upon reflection I realised that there is much truth in this.
It's not even about the willingness to obey what we have read, it is about picking up the book to read so that we may obey it. That'd be real "reading with the intention of obeying".
Why, it reminds me of a verse I shared with dom7th the other day, taken from 1 Chronicles 28
Now therefore in the sight of all Israel, the assembly of the Lord, and in the hearing of our God, observe and seek out all the commandments of the Lord your God, that you may possess this good land and leave it for an inheritance to your children after you forever. (ESV)
Notice the call to observe the commandments and also the call to seek them out. A person who seeks out commandments in order to obey them is one who reads with the intention of obeying.
So it begins not with a desire to read, but with a desire to obey. A desire to want more inspired instructions to walk in should drive the leader to seek out and pick up books with advice written by those who have gone before them.
For today I shall meditate on the verse of Romans 12:8
the one who leads, in zeal (ESV)
Have I led in zeal?
What is zealous leadership?
