Slothfulness?

Just want to dwell on this for awhile before I get on with my day.

I've been waking up at 10am or so every day recently. While it is true that I've also being going to bed late, at 1am or so, there is this incredible lethargy that has taken hold of me lately.

At least, I know that my plan to come up with Social Studies resources has faced significant setback. I barely achieved anything all week.

I cannot tell if it's related to my sickness, I'm certain that it plays a part, be it large or small.

But if anything, it is this that I am sick with. When I pause to reflect on myself I feel myself coming face to face with this gargantuan apathy. I feel like there's just nothing I really care about anymore.

I hit the books, searching for answers. Things jump at me, and they fade away as my fingers switch tabs back to youtube, or whatever other website with news, with technology, with reviews.

I think it was until I revisited this line from an Anime I used to watch.
"There is no shortcut to anything."

And I think I kind of get it. Maybe I've really been sitting around and waiting for that thing that will stir me into action.
But I'm mistaken. What I really need now is the grit my teeth and follow through.

I got to get my ass to school.

It is Well

I think I haven't been doing that great.

Sometimes I feel like even after the whole tragedy in August I'm still barely awake, still stuck in some sort of childish disposition.

 Still unsure if what I have is love, selfishness or idolatry.

Still stumbling over the same sins, at the same times for the same reasons.

It's very frustrating to think about it because I feel further away from my goals.
And at that moment I feel further still, because I know now that my priorities in life are wrong and they are leading me down dangerous paths.

The goals.

Something fundamental has to change about me. In my desperation I prayed to God to afflict me, for I did not turn towards Him when His face was shining on me.

Wound me so that I'll return 

I don't want to be like a fool who is stumbling towards slaughter.

Am I ashamed?

The canteen conversation diverted towards me all of a sudden. They were curious to know if I were attached. As the conversation went on it became apparent to one of the teachers that I am a Christian, mainly because of some "odd relationship rules" that only Christians would entertain. 

"Which fucking church are you from?"

The conversation then shifted away from me, as quickly as it had shifted towards me. Soon we found ourselves discussing organised religion. 

Now, pardon the vulgarities, but there aren't many teachers quite as human, as caring and compassionate as this colleague of mine. As a teacher, he is a deviant ideal, not remotely a poster boy of MOE, but nothing a discerning principal would fault. I have immense respect for this guy. 

And perhaps that was why I couldn't stand up to him. He makes the least sense when he discusses religion. He'd reach a certain level but lack the criticality to go beyond the common tropes that people would always take out and slam. But as the words rolled off his tongue, I couldn't find any confidence in myself to speak. 

Was it the intimidation? Was it the respect? Was it the fear of being ridiculed, of being classified as "yet another specimen of the fools in religion" that held me back? 

Or perhaps I agreed with him tacitly. 

Perhaps I do agree that I find it hard to understand why so many good and kind persons in this world are somehow on a march towards hell. Yes, the entrance into heaven has always been an unsettled area. 

Perhaps I was reeling from the guilt, from the realisation that I do not care about the people around me with that sort of passion that he has. I do not actually care that they are going to hell, I do not meditate on the tragedy until my heart breaks. 

But clearly he does. When he mentioned that his wife is a Buddhist, the wife with whom he is still so madly in love with, he can feel the immense loss and sense of injustice if someone as wonderful as she is, by human standards, was to be denied from the gates of heaven while some slimy Christian (who could be me) would make it. 

My character, my experience, my emotional investment barely matched his. Where was my place to speak? I cannot tell if I were guilty as charged or simply ashamed of the gospel. 

If anything, I think I have failed 1 Peter 3:15, being caught unprepared to give an account of the hope that is in me for the things that I have been entrusted through the teachings of the church. 

To be honest, I feel intimidated, lost. How do I face these giants? What defense shall I give? What helpful word can I say? 

One Step At a Time

Was reading an article today and came across this quote

"Alas my rebellious heart—what a tempest agitates me! I knew not that I had made so little progress in a spirit of resignation to the Divine will."

As the writer, Henry Martyn reflected on the way his emotions were stirred to hear that the love of his life was not permitted to join him in missions in India, he realised how little he has come to actualise "not my will but Yours be done" in his life.

I think that the recent episode has shown me that I know little about God being my treasure. I think that it has alerted me to the fact that I don't yet truly know that marriage is not to be pursued like a missing part of our lives.

Although I assent to all the ideas above, in reality I understand them so little. Am I not ashamed when I discuss them matter-of-factly in church?

Nonetheless this is the plan. I shall deal cruelly with any sexual sin that remains in my life. With renewed eyes (because those who are pure will see God), I shall peer into the next few steps of my life.

I think... that's really just it for now. No concrete plans about her. No concrete plans about... romance.

and I want to read more biographies too.

I don't blame you

You've been my confidante so... ever since we've decided not to talk I've found it hard to find someone to share my thoughts with.

But one thing that has occurred to me ever since that night was that... whatever I thought you were doing to me, I was doing the same thing to God.

I can imagine saying similar things.

I think me and God get along quite well, we seem to agree on many things.
We have many wonderful and happy memories.
There were so many encounters, here and there, tears, genuine joy that I felt along the way.

And along the way I made many promises, I promised to love Him, to put Him first.
I promised to read His word, to love His people.
I promised Him that for His sake I will watch my tongue, for His sake I will withhold my wrath.

But somehow, whenever He asks for my heart, I realised that my promises have often fallen empty.
My heart feels weak and feeble, unable to muster any substantial emotion for Him.
He knows how little He features in my thoughts, He knows how little regard I have for Him...

But I think He affirms the promises I made. He is not disappointed. He understands how weak and frail I am, He says that He understands why I made them, and He doesn't suggest that they were foolish.

He credits them to me, He says that it is good that I strive to be more holy every day.

But I blamed you. I called you a liar. I threatened you with your own words.
I don't understand you well enough, my love is not patient at all, neither is it kind.

As I think about how it is between me and God, I understand you better now.
I just wished you would know this...

But I'm also afraid that I can only genuinely mean this when you do not know of it,
fearful that even now anything that could make you feel better would only be wielded as another tool in my hand.

Fake News

I was just thinking about this last night when I was taking a shower and thinking more about it when I was on the way to school today.

The notion of "fake news" or "alternative facts" has been gaining prominence in recent times and I am slightly bothered by it.
You see, "fake news" has been around since forever. Worse, if you are into critical discourse analysis and stuff, you know that news always carry a particular perspective and in a sense, if you expected them to be truly neutral, to be completely objective in order to be "true", then they are bound to be "fake" all the time.

Also, regarding news, there are opinion pieces and then there are the ones which attempt to just report on the proceedings of an event: happened, what was being said, etc., rather than to venture into: why is this important, why should you care, what implications this may have on you...

Given their perpetual existence, something must explain their nascent rise to prominence. I think that this can be rightly traced to the American election. Some of the liberals attributed their loss to the spreading of harmful, fake news which undermined the credibility of their candidate.

Whoever controls the news greatly influences and directs the perception of the public (or even the world) about what is important in the world today. Since this has recently become an area of concern to them, it has become an area of concern to us.

But really, let's not scare ourselves. It's not that fake news are on the rise or anything, it's just that we are now coming to realise that much of what we have regarded uncritically in the past is proving to be really shaky when placed under closer scrutiny now.

This thing called practicum

Aside from my usual rant about realizing how much of a loser I am, in contrary to how I'd like to think of my competencies as a teacher, which I then discovered was something properly termed as the "imposter syndrome".

The "imposter syndrome" is the feeling that your abilities have been one big sham. That you were only doing okay because you weren't doing any of the "real" stuff and now that the "real" is here you've shown to be an utterly incompetent fool, irrelevant to the "real" stuff.

Now of course I struggle a little with this, perhaps it would be simpler if I were convinced that I am an utterly incompetent fool. However, I am not completely convinced because I do think that some of what I have done in the past constitutes what people would call success and true grit.

But this thing called practicum, I think it really threatens death by a thousand (deep) cuts as I move frightfully from one day another, wondering what new revelation and surprise down the road will once again confirm my insufficiencies. It would be death if I have no hope, but the Bible tells me that every exposure of weakness and sinfulness is another step towards glory. (Occasionally) confident that God intends for my prosperity and not harm helps me to (feebly) soldier on.

I'm learning and reflecting on my past practices of teaching and realizing, slowly, that I may have done many of my students wrong. For one, it is clear that they have always commented that the lessons were rather deep, but I think I do recall watching their heavy eyelids fall.

I'm not your most considerate teacher, I do have a soft heart, but this soft heart is confounding because it is also really unfeeling. For one, it affects me when I can tell that my students are losing energy/interest, but it has not quite moved me to be more intentional with my lesson planning. I fear that what I am seeing now is a future self who is just like the most blame shifting teacher you find out there, ready to put the blame on the lack of discipline on the part of the students, or, on a better day, on the inadequacies in how lesson time is planned in schools.
Instead of bemoaning all of that, the key has always been in my hands, hasn't it? There is something I can do that can make a difference, and that is precisely what I do not.

I'm also thinking about all the times my lessons went rather poorly because I do not bother pitching them right. I throw a ton of theory at my students and watch them crumble under the weight. This is something that has happened over and over. I also noticed how my heart begrudges their lack of effort, when really, maybe it's just lack of consideration on my part. I do know the basics, I love the basics. I love clarity... why does it feel like it's a long lost love now? Why is it not naturally manifesting in my plans?

On that note, what am I even distracted by? What other goals am I aiming for, what is this thing that I chase instead of what I really need to nail?

Day after day I groan inside because of all the missed opportunities, the crappy lessons that have come and gone, that are now really difficult to salvage. I really want to get better, I want to get good with this.
But I only want it half the time. Sometimes I just want to run away instead.

Genesis 4

I was reading genesis today when I took note of this particular verse, genesis 4:7.

If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to you, but you must rule over it.”

It struck me because I think it describes my experience so accurately. When we have been living in compromise (if you do not do well), sin indeed crouches in wait for us. 

It is in my lazy, apathetic moments that I often fall into temptation. 

If you do well, will you not be accepted (or, will your head not be lifted up)?

Help me dear God, let me not add to myself sorrow upon sorrow. Help me to be diligent even when I am down and I pray that you will help me find joy in what I am doing, in the path I have chosen. 

Lent

There's been something troubling me since 13th February.

Yes, one side of it is whether she will ever accept me... the other side of it has been if my heart has been honouring God.

Well you see, liking someone is a perfectly normal activity, no cause for alarm in and of itself. But when it has gone on for rather long, some suspicion is due.
My emotional fluctuations this week has revealed that it is no exaggeration to say that for a very long time I've been deriving the joy in life from her responses to me.
And this has actually made me a much less cheerful person lately.

What is really criminal about that is that my general outlook in life has poorly reflected all the riches and grace that I have received from God in these two years (or so). I found myself as Adam and Eve, peering up to the forbidden fruit with a torrent of questions in my mind about why God has not given me something as magnificent as this. My eyes have long lost its gaze on the multitude of trees in the forest that have been given to me. With one hand, opened, I ask God for this one fruit. With my other hand I receive many that I did not ask for (but God knows I needed) and I have been silent in my response to those.

Have you heard of the hymn "Lily of the Valley"? It's a lovely hymn. Here it is:

I’ve found a friend in Jesus, He’s everything to me,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul;
The Lily of the Valley, in Him alone I see
All I need to cleanse and make me fully whole.
In sorrow He’s my comfort, in trouble He’s my stay;
He tells me every care on Him to roll.
Refrain:
He’s the Lily of the Valley, the Bright and Morning Star,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul.

He all my grief has taken, and all my sorrows borne;
In temptation He’s my strong and mighty tow’r;
I’ve all for Him forsaken, and all my idols torn
From my heart and now He keeps me by His pow’r.
Though all the world forsake me, and Satan tempt me sore,
Through Jesus I shall safely reach the goal.

He’ll never, never leave me, nor yet forsake me here,
While I live by faith and do His blessed will;
A wall of fire about me, I’ve nothing now to fear,
From His manna He my hungry soul shall fill.
Then sweeping up to glory to see His blessed face,
Where rivers of delight shall ever roll.

I found myself choking on the lyrics today and I knew that something was wrong. I came to realise that God is no longer the "fairest of ten thousand to my soul". 

It was such a humbling moment because although I have said this so many times in my life, I have yet to comprehend what it really means for God to be our "All in All". I needn't think far to realise that He isn't. 

And so, when speaking on the lent during service, the pastor inquired if we have decided what we will be setting aside in the next 40 days, the answer was clear as day to me. She has to go. In the next 40 days I shall fast of her and I pray that I will once again have God enthroned in the seat of my heart. 

I have been putting this aside for far too Long. So this is my promise to God. I shall fast of her, please help me and my weak and wretched soul. Give me strength to see this through, and give me grace so that I will learn and will overcome this idolatrous spirit I have in me. And... if it turns out that because of my silence in these 40 days that she has decided to write me off, or be with another person, then so be it. 

Let me sing with the saints, "even so, it is well with my soul." 

God help me. 

New Resolve

Have I been living too recklessly, paying little attention to what's been happening in my life? Perhaps. I was rather troubled by this thought today as we were in a cab, on our way home. The rain was beating heavily and we passed by this industrial area in paya lebar.

I worked there for a bit, as I recall, when I was in J1 because I had been trying to get money to buy a crumpler. I did the math and figured that working 5 days under my uncle would get me about 150 dollars which would have allowed me to choose between the bigger and the smaller crumpler.

Those were strange days I think, I was quickly done in by the dust at the warehouse and I was feeling weak and feverish. I dreaded going back there and that mounted day after day. I left work mid-way on the third day because my body finally couldn't take it.

I still remember drinking Pokka blueberry tea as a substitute for water because there was no water dispenser there. I remember hiding in the air-conditioned office when my uncle wasn't around. Looking back now, I was a rather lazy worker, skiving whenever I could....

and that got me thinking now, it got me considering if I've forgotten to count the little things in my life that has added up to the person I am today.

So today I just want to say that I'm glad that I backtracked to buy tissues from the uncle at Ang Mo Kio. I'm glad that I made myself say "happy new year" to him. I think I did it sincerely too, though I cannot tell if he cared for it.

I also think that I did try to be a little more patient with my mother, although I was certainly not as gentle as I could have been. She's always a little jittery during Chinese New Year, suggesting odd things and behaving out of character. I think I will only understand these things when I'm older. There's probably some stress associated with going back to your family every year, perhaps every year you want to show them that you married the right person, that you are blessed with good kids, that you made the right decisions...

Finally I think I did a good job engaging Norman in a short conversation, he is now the husband of my cousin. It's clear that he still has a long way to go before he fits in, I think I can do more for him next year.

A lesson at the mrt

The train door closes on a couple just as they were about the board.

They burst into laughter and found a seat. They were still giggling and smiling as the train departed and brought them out of my sight.

It's okay to miss out on something when you're with your Girlfriend. Why? To employ a culinary metaphor, it is because she's the main course. Everything else is secondary. Does it matter if you miss a train? Not if you missed it together.

And then why is it not the same to miss the same train... with God? Do I have the same profound appreciation for Him? Does it matter if I'm missing out on a lot in life? It shouldn't if it's all with Him.

Back to the couple and the train, I think that ideally every individual should have such individual intimacy with God that as they laugh at their circumstances, they do so together because they are unwilling that their other half should miss out on the intimacy that they each have with God.

And so, I am reminded again that I must not pursue a relationship from the starting point of a need or lack. If that's the starting step, what missteps would those be that follow?

The joy of an unread blog

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-really-matters-in-2017

This is speaking to the core of my being. And yet my first instinct was to publish it on facebook so that everyone knows that this was speaking to the core of my being.

Which is the point of the article: we are so concerned with how we appear to others rather than being really concerned with who we really are.

And the bliss of an unread blog is that i can express it here without trying to portray myself in a particular way in front of people.

Corollary to that, I ask that if you read my blog that you keep your readership to yourself, don't tell me because I want to write to you without writing for you. Or, I want to write for you without writing to you.

Do you understand?

Good, now go read this article.