Reliance.

On the way home I had an urge for kind words. You know, going back home and asking my friends what they can offer for someone needing a little encouragement. But really, I don't know why I even need that.
Encouragements, really? I think it's attention I'm after. What a recurring theme!

On a side note, it's been really busy lol. I'm making things worse by trying to stifle that feeling. It's like taking drugs you know? They call it coping, not addiction.
But damn it! I don't want things to be like this! I want time to sort myself out after the busying is over. I'm looking forward to the showcase, yes, but I'm desiring the evening so much more.
I really want the evening to come. I really want to see it all.

But tomorrow's a double hurdle. And slowly I wonder..
Am I wrong to desire the aftermath? I sincerely do not know.

What's in my bag.

The pilgrim's poem has this segment in which the pilgrims lay down their most desired possession. 

I gotta think of something.. since I can't put you in it. 

Representative or misdirectional? Misdirectional will be the true step in putting you down. 

nearly too much

In a minor disarray. Too many things to complete in a short short time.
First, Sunday lesson plan. Next, pilgrim's poem. Next, scholarship acceptance.
Next, direct major admission. Next, Steps personalized publicity... what else?

Keep it together, Oh dear Lord, don't let these blessings become a curse for me.

brave

It's about growing up you know, being true to your desires.. and distastes.
Be brave and stand alone. Erin's right, all I want is attention, I stay only because I'm afraid.

It's time to be true.

Open doors, closed Doors

L-EMS. well done. I'd give myself a pat on the shoulder if.. oh yes i can reach it actually.

But still, today's one of those.. one door opens, another closes day.
As much as I feel happy, I'm weighed down by a few things.

First, my emotional circumstance with which I approached the entire scholarship thing, was definitely less than God pleasing. It's pride. Why EMS. I said it all to you... It's like how I wished I had A+ for my PW.
It's all about distinction. I don't want to get the same as everybody else.

And then there's you, and that undeniable wall to scale. The thing is, as time ticks, I doubt. I really doubt if anything's going to make a difference. I don't think I should care anymore. Sleepless nights are an everlasting testament to how wrong this has gone.
But thanks be to God, for you. You're amazing in the extent you hold back.
You're so amazing. And because you are... we have a way back.

I guess, silently, this has to go. Some day in my intended silence you may miss me. But even those days will fade away. Everything can go if we let them... for... Only we are immortal.
Someday as I take it on, I'll miss you and the silence will shred my heart.
But when the pain fades they may not leave scars.
And in that spring, we shall meet again. Empty handed, carefree...
A day when your smile and laughter
Descends gently upon the pond in my heart.

Softly landing, without rippling.

Whack-a-mole

It's hard to describe. I feel myself being assaulted by countless phantoms.
Each one threatening to take over.
Along with my headache it sounds in unison, a nerve wrecking spine chilling scream.
I know what I'll become if I were to just relax a muscle.

I don't know why this is happening and yet I do.

This sunday's all about having the right emotions. Onboard now... there are none.

It's okay losing what you never had.

This Scholarship Thing

Went for the briefing today. Kinda fun there. Not the exciting kind of fun, but the excited sort.
But here comes the stress moment... what OBS, what compulsory hall, what apply your own tuition grant.. all without even telling me what scheme I'm under now!
There's O week and blah blah.

Ah sigh, university? You're just too exciting for me.
It's so exciting you rob the excitement from me.
Here's what I picture.
Me starting school, making a few delightful, silent friends.
Getting my work done, contemplating the future, doing everything I'm already doing now, getting a girlfriend (not necessarily from university la, you know)

But oh now you're just full of shit. All the dirty orientations and unnecessary demands you desire to self-justify.
The current tightness in schedule isn't helping either. It's funny. When did I become so withdrawn?

Before the moment..

I was helping out at this day care centre yesterday. Nope, this is not some reflection about the worth of daycare centers.. already done that, for official purposes.
This is nevertheless a reflection.

We were allocated about 3-4 rascals each. Real rascals they were. I still kind of remember their names.
There was this cute, but hyper little girl called bernecia. Following, there's a mixed blood girl called deena. Finally there's this boy called Li Heng.
All 3 of them were... ages 10 and below and I had an extremely tough time controlling them.
Anyways, our task was to create this brochure outlining the activities they enjoyed over the course of their holidays. Coming up with the list of activities was tough in itself, sourcing for pictures, newspaper cuttings and coming up with drawings to represent the activities were even tougher. That, plus the occasional squabbles to quell... and an obnoxious primary 6 to handle... made a hell of a job.

But though the start was shaky.. and bordered on getting me pissed off, we finally rolled into pace. The members, though so varied in age, began to agree on things and finally there was more fun than excruciation. But something hung at the back of my mind. It was some kind of... regret.
I regret that we were only getting along towards the end of the task... with little time left to enjoy the teamwork. I wondered if adults grow to become immune to such folly.

I don't think so.
At least, it isn't so with me.

With you, it has always been like this. It's the anticipation which builds expectations which often ends up in some degree of disappointment... and it's not very enjoyable until I come to my senses, which... i often take so long.
Then for the final fleeting hours I find what I was truly looking for. But the regret arrests me and I could not enjoy more.
If there's ever a reason I'd want to think less... It's so I avoid becoming my own prisoner.
I don't know why I've yet to hear from you... shall I think less about this too?

army dumpling

"you must live... and so, eat to live" 

How can I actually be saying such a thing to myself in the very presence of a lovely dumpling?

Oh how far have you fallen and not know?

Breaking Point

That's it, I believe I've let myself fall far enough. Here it is, it's time to stop. It's time to relax and let go.
I do hope for something more sustainable while I'm waiting... instead of getting repeatedly involved in this cycle...
Anyway, have I ever mentioned how I feel my life is this huge parody?
How shall I be playing Jesus/God in the lover's discourse? I feel I'm incredibly far from that.
I'm the kind of guy who's always with the wrong partner. I'm not the heroic guy who restores the lives of people by being with them. I'm none of that.
In fact, deep in my mind, I've always wanted to write a song to capture this tension... An optimistic song for once. Of how I sought for love outside, and how God's love (eventually) captures my imagination and me.
But oops, i don't really have song writing skills at my disposal. Though I'm certain that when the day of captivity comes, I will write it, I will write it because it'll be my testimony.

mounting pressure

Lazy afternoons passing by, leaving many bulging veins.

Each fruitless 24 makes me immensely restless.

Reckless interviews, missing of you

I can feel it eating, eating at me too.

Everyone once in awhile, the gears run dry

I feel the pressure cranking, I rarely know why

What do I really want? 

I hope I'm not driving you to yet another corner.

Come back, gotta chill. 

Criteria for happiness

I barely recall going through an essay with my kids awhile ago. It was on the standard of living and how technological advancements have affected it. There was this happy idea that technology was creating dependency and this dependency somewhat reduces our standard of living.
In trying to reason it all out, I suggested that maybe, the whole idea of dependency was about having multiple criteria to our happiness. So i asked them "is a happiness which is less contingent better?" unanimously, "yes" There we have it, I concluded, it's about technology, through our cellphones, internet and such, imposing criteria upon our lives. Imposing. wow. These criteria forcibly made our happiness more fragile than ever, and subsequently, even if we can recall happy times, we have somehow forsaken a superior standard of living.
With you, it is as such. I can recall, if I want, the happy times we're spending together. Sometimes I even feel as though life has taken a pleasant turn. But deep down within me, as every second passed without you, my heart falters and almost tastes the loneliness of damnation. And I recall the harsh reality underlying our every interaction. If you don't, all these will be for naught.
 But I cannot imagine the day, when it comes, where for his sake I've to see you as a friend. Neither can I picture, when it comes, having the rehabilitate myself from you. Neither do I have the faith (be it deserved or undeserved) to picture us together. All the glory I've set for my future, falls like a terrible, tried-too-hard pile of useless scrap before you.
 When I think about it, you, one of my criteria, has made my life a lot more miserable. I may attempt to show otherwise, or to describe my life in another fashion.
I may emphasize the better times but it's only because I fear you'll retreat at the sound of this. I fear you may be thinking that people were only meant to be if they colour each other with bright shades... that if somehow they bring the grey and gloomy skies... they were not meant to be. But for me, a happy life isn't all there is to the standard of living. It's about feeling happy and sad at the ordinate times.
If I am to think that I'm somewhat missing the good life, it is this: That I rarely feel the robustness of Joy in the absence of you. And that to me, is the explanation for how everything is happening.