When I woke up with a sprained neck this morning I felt really bitter.
I've been struck with so many incapacitating ailments recently. From the weak simmering feverish feeling and heavy head since Monday night to the blood in my phlegm this morning... along with the sickening neckache which sends pulses of pain down my arms.
You know how the neckache is just an ultimate killer. I can hardly point my head down to look at the notes on my table.
That said, the pain I had to put up with for the rest of the day was already a dramatically reduced version of what I had till breakfast.
And so bitter I was for the whole of today until a message from avelene compelled me to think otherwise.
She commented that this semester is really not my sem, since I was so often sick or injured.
I felt... compelled to snap us both out of that frame of mind and so I replied saying that there were plenty more days when I was well.
And indeed there were and there will be. I pray dear Lord that you will not let this fact escape me. Let me serve you with a crazy zeal for every of my fit days. Let me serve you bravely even when I'm sick.
I thank God that while I was waiting for the bus to go to church, Dr Tan walked by and offered to drop me off. It was so timely, I was feeling unwell and worse, I was close to being late.
Let me remember to give thanks for these things in my life. They're ever so appropriately downplaying the negativity which sickness brings.
And so I end today with thanksgiving, because of Your meticulous planning and you guided me gently to appreciate the vastness of grace in the simple pleasures of life.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Paralyzed by thoughts
有许多未来的事情，我现在不能视透
但我知谁掌管明天，我也知谁牵我手。
I hate these days when I find myself assaulted by relentless thoughts, early in the still, uneventufl morning. Thoughts of doubt, of guilt, even undefined ones which are more like pangs of emotions.
I sit at my desk, fruitlessly looking at the computer screen. I try to work but find myself seeking relief from mindless youtube videos. I try to distract myself with them, to sate my restless mind. My mind wanders violently from want to want, I sit paralyzed.
I close my eyes to pray but I don't know how to begin. In the torrent of wants... I find myself also wanting nothing.
However, I do perceive the root of the issue. The thoughts derive from my frustration, from my helplessness to secure for myself the things I want. I search for answers, for solutions, for sure-fire plans in my mind. I search in vain, in desperation.
Then I wonder if I trust God. If I trust him to provide the best for me.
Trust, trust is my ticket to get out.
Oh God teach me to live each day faithfully. Let me not waste them worrying for another.
God give me some godly short-sightedness. Help me to trust in your providence.
edit
Philippians 4
4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
My anxiousness is making me lose my mind and heart but I shall cling to your promise. I will spend time talking to You, I will let me worries be known to You. I will strive to rejoice always so please guard my heart and mind in Your precious Son Jesus Christ.
I will trust in You.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
但我知谁掌管明天，我也知谁牵我手。
I hate these days when I find myself assaulted by relentless thoughts, early in the still, uneventufl morning. Thoughts of doubt, of guilt, even undefined ones which are more like pangs of emotions.
I sit at my desk, fruitlessly looking at the computer screen. I try to work but find myself seeking relief from mindless youtube videos. I try to distract myself with them, to sate my restless mind. My mind wanders violently from want to want, I sit paralyzed.
I close my eyes to pray but I don't know how to begin. In the torrent of wants... I find myself also wanting nothing.
However, I do perceive the root of the issue. The thoughts derive from my frustration, from my helplessness to secure for myself the things I want. I search for answers, for solutions, for sure-fire plans in my mind. I search in vain, in desperation.
Then I wonder if I trust God. If I trust him to provide the best for me.
Trust, trust is my ticket to get out.
Oh God teach me to live each day faithfully. Let me not waste them worrying for another.
God give me some godly short-sightedness. Help me to trust in your providence.
edit
Philippians 4
4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
My anxiousness is making me lose my mind and heart but I shall cling to your promise. I will spend time talking to You, I will let me worries be known to You. I will strive to rejoice always so please guard my heart and mind in Your precious Son Jesus Christ.
I will trust in You.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Love to an Introvert
I'm not writing on behalf of all introverts, just one particular one who happens to be me.
I was spending a little time thinking about relationships this afternoon. I was thinking about how I'm the sort of person who zones out occasionally when around people. I'm the sort who enjoys a bit of loneliness by the beach or in my room. Who feels that tinge of longing and sadness watching the sunset, but would give anything to watch it.
Then I think I admire girls who do the same. There's this sophistication about them and of course the acceptance and understanding since they do the same thing as I do. Then I thought a little further.
I realized that as much as I admire that, I often feel enticed to barge into their time of solitude, as though I think it to be incredibly intimate if somehow I can share their moments of solitude with them.
And then I wonder if that means I'm not really an introvert after all, if I'm really just putting up a show. If I were an extrovert deep beneath since my inclination to barge in seems to betray that I don't respect their moments of solitude enough.
No, I think I need to specify. I guess sharing the moment of solitude is introverted in nature if I just sat there and said nothing. If it were a presence which does not intrude.
Funny thing is, that seems to be the case during my moments of solitude. In these moments God is that presence. It's that feeling when I look to the sunsets. The smile on my face is there to tell Him that I find it beautiful. I know He is watching me from the side, intensely, but it doesn't bother me. I enjoy being watched by God. Occasionally I ask him questions. He does not speak, the look on His face (not that I do see anything at all, but rather just a sense) stirs up the knowledge of Him within me and the answers find their way into my mind.
And so isn't the similarity dangerous? I can picture how I can possibly substitute one for another. I can imagine how easily a relationship can become a sort of idolatry. Oh God you know how quickly I set girls up as idols in my life and it all begins with a simple choice. It starts when I choose to pick up my phone as I sit on my bed during my free time. It works even when they don't reply, it works because my mood is ruined and I feel that all is lost... when in fact all is lost! I lose You.
God I long for the secure joy that is in you. That permanent, robust, consistent joy. The joy which makes a man out of me, the joy that makes me steady. The joy that sets me free.
I was spending a little time thinking about relationships this afternoon. I was thinking about how I'm the sort of person who zones out occasionally when around people. I'm the sort who enjoys a bit of loneliness by the beach or in my room. Who feels that tinge of longing and sadness watching the sunset, but would give anything to watch it.
Then I think I admire girls who do the same. There's this sophistication about them and of course the acceptance and understanding since they do the same thing as I do. Then I thought a little further.
I realized that as much as I admire that, I often feel enticed to barge into their time of solitude, as though I think it to be incredibly intimate if somehow I can share their moments of solitude with them.
And then I wonder if that means I'm not really an introvert after all, if I'm really just putting up a show. If I were an extrovert deep beneath since my inclination to barge in seems to betray that I don't respect their moments of solitude enough.
No, I think I need to specify. I guess sharing the moment of solitude is introverted in nature if I just sat there and said nothing. If it were a presence which does not intrude.
Funny thing is, that seems to be the case during my moments of solitude. In these moments God is that presence. It's that feeling when I look to the sunsets. The smile on my face is there to tell Him that I find it beautiful. I know He is watching me from the side, intensely, but it doesn't bother me. I enjoy being watched by God. Occasionally I ask him questions. He does not speak, the look on His face (not that I do see anything at all, but rather just a sense) stirs up the knowledge of Him within me and the answers find their way into my mind.
And so isn't the similarity dangerous? I can picture how I can possibly substitute one for another. I can imagine how easily a relationship can become a sort of idolatry. Oh God you know how quickly I set girls up as idols in my life and it all begins with a simple choice. It starts when I choose to pick up my phone as I sit on my bed during my free time. It works even when they don't reply, it works because my mood is ruined and I feel that all is lost... when in fact all is lost! I lose You.
God I long for the secure joy that is in you. That permanent, robust, consistent joy. The joy which makes a man out of me, the joy that makes me steady. The joy that sets me free.
The real frozen heart
I've been saying it repeatedly, to sceptical response. Watch these two videos and know that elsa was the one with the frozen heart.
First, olaf talks about love. He says it is about self-sacrifice.
Then when anna thaws elsa asked her "you would sacrifice yourself for me?" to which anna confirms, she does love elsa.
The significance of this scene should be heightened by her hesitation when she chose to take the blade for elsa instead of getting to christoph and getting her true love's kiss. At that juncture she proved that she indeed loves her sister, elsa.
Don't miss how olaf immediately follows, realizing that the act of true love was anna's self sacrifice... which thaws the frozen heart. Since the act of true love was done towards elsa it follows that elsa is the one with the frozen heart.
Which isn't too far fetched. Think about it, confined since young, taught to think of herself as dangerous... if anyone doesn't know love, it's elsa. She has the frozen heart.
So were the trolls wrong? I'm not too sure. I guess they know a thing or 2 but were never thoroughly prudent. See, if removing the memories would really cure anna's head... then why did the white strand remain? If it was cured, why didn't her hair return to brown, as it is at the very end of the movie?
Don't miss the deeper (or shall I say the actual?) meaning of the movie. It's not a silly little hug that saved the day. It was self-sacrifice. The frozen heart was not a matter of fantasy, it was metaphorical... for a heart enclosed from the outside world.
When her heart was thawed she found the other side of her powers, the power to thaw things.
And that's how anna, along with everything else, got thawed.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
What lies ahead
I went back home last night. I guess it was because I wasn't feeling too great last evening, having freshly lost my matriculation card.
I must say it's quite a pain, I thought it was no big deal until I needed to tap my way into the writing unit. Typical isn't it? The surprise is convicting evidence that I took the card for granted, having failed to be fascinated by the access it grants me.
But anyway, speaking to my mum helped me to think through why I found being the head of youth ministry tough. I think the first thing is that I remain a cell leader. This is actually pretty unprecedented stuff. It has lots of implications, mainly that I tend to mix my worries about the running of the cell group with that of the fellowship. I find myself easily discouraged when people don't turn up, even if from hindsight I realize that the issue, as I have said repeatedly, lies not in the absence or presence, but how hard we strive to have consistent fellowship with one another.
And that's the problem with the rhetoric of numbers in church. The attendance of meetings are so heralded as indicators of success. But that can be so misguided sometimes, especially if the timing of meeting is bad to begin with.
Next is that... I think the members in the committee are struggling a lot as well. Some are incredibly pessimistic, others incredibly silent, some unnecessarily apologetic and perhaps some are wondering why they even signed up for it. So... running the fellowship is like leading two cell groups. My own... and then the leaders. I guess this is the source of saturation, the reason when I say "I feel like my heart has no more space". From a carefree bugger to a worrier for so many persons... yeah, of course there will be inevitable discomfort.
Then there is the youth worker himself. I found myself needing to watch out for his feelings. To balance between insisting on the way fellowship has been run or giving space for him to do some things so he feels needed, so he feels useful, so he feels accepted. The last thing that can happen will be if the youths reject him as a whole. On the other hand, reporting to him is uneasy... we're used to the freedom we've enjoyed so many years without a youth worker. Now, to have my ideas willingly submitted to criticism... that's new stuff for me. Oh, to have to care for his feelings too.
Then there is the feeling of abandonment. Is it justified? Is it inevitable to feel that way when the people you have worked alongside for 2 years choose to leave and then... somehow leave completely? Their departure or sudden lack of involvement just causes this welling up of questions within me. Were they very unhappy working with us or were they unwilling? Are they blind now or has it always been?
And so it's these invisible things which make the work feel heavier than it is. Now that I know them, I place them into Your hands Dear Lord. There are things I think but am afraid to ask. There are things which I think which I do think correctly. Nonetheless they are all things I cannot carry. Help me to pray more for the answers are only found in You.
I must say it's quite a pain, I thought it was no big deal until I needed to tap my way into the writing unit. Typical isn't it? The surprise is convicting evidence that I took the card for granted, having failed to be fascinated by the access it grants me.
But anyway, speaking to my mum helped me to think through why I found being the head of youth ministry tough. I think the first thing is that I remain a cell leader. This is actually pretty unprecedented stuff. It has lots of implications, mainly that I tend to mix my worries about the running of the cell group with that of the fellowship. I find myself easily discouraged when people don't turn up, even if from hindsight I realize that the issue, as I have said repeatedly, lies not in the absence or presence, but how hard we strive to have consistent fellowship with one another.
And that's the problem with the rhetoric of numbers in church. The attendance of meetings are so heralded as indicators of success. But that can be so misguided sometimes, especially if the timing of meeting is bad to begin with.
Next is that... I think the members in the committee are struggling a lot as well. Some are incredibly pessimistic, others incredibly silent, some unnecessarily apologetic and perhaps some are wondering why they even signed up for it. So... running the fellowship is like leading two cell groups. My own... and then the leaders. I guess this is the source of saturation, the reason when I say "I feel like my heart has no more space". From a carefree bugger to a worrier for so many persons... yeah, of course there will be inevitable discomfort.
Then there is the youth worker himself. I found myself needing to watch out for his feelings. To balance between insisting on the way fellowship has been run or giving space for him to do some things so he feels needed, so he feels useful, so he feels accepted. The last thing that can happen will be if the youths reject him as a whole. On the other hand, reporting to him is uneasy... we're used to the freedom we've enjoyed so many years without a youth worker. Now, to have my ideas willingly submitted to criticism... that's new stuff for me. Oh, to have to care for his feelings too.
Then there is the feeling of abandonment. Is it justified? Is it inevitable to feel that way when the people you have worked alongside for 2 years choose to leave and then... somehow leave completely? Their departure or sudden lack of involvement just causes this welling up of questions within me. Were they very unhappy working with us or were they unwilling? Are they blind now or has it always been?
And so it's these invisible things which make the work feel heavier than it is. Now that I know them, I place them into Your hands Dear Lord. There are things I think but am afraid to ask. There are things which I think which I do think correctly. Nonetheless they are all things I cannot carry. Help me to pray more for the answers are only found in You.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Love is an open door
Anna:
Okay, can I just, say something crazy?
Okay, can I just, say something crazy?
Hans:
I love crazy!
I love crazy!
Anna:
All my life has been a series of doors in my face
And then suddenly I bump into you
All my life has been a series of doors in my face
And then suddenly I bump into you
Hans:
I was thinking the same thing! 'Cause like
I've been searching my whole life to find my own place
And maybe it's the party talking or the chocolate fondue
I was thinking the same thing! 'Cause like
I've been searching my whole life to find my own place
And maybe it's the party talking or the chocolate fondue
Anna:
But with you
Hans:
But with you
But with you
Hans:
But with you
Hans:
I found my place
Anna:
I see your face
I found my place
Anna:
I see your face
Both:
And it's nothing like I've ever known before
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
And it's nothing like I've ever known before
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
Anna:
With you
Hans:
With you
Anna:
With you
Hans:
With you
With you
Hans:
With you
Anna:
With you
Hans:
With you
Both:
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
Hans:
I mean it's crazy
Anna:
What?
I mean it's crazy
Anna:
What?
Hans:
We finish each other's
Anna:
Sandwiches
We finish each other's
Anna:
Sandwiches
Hans:
That's what I was gonna say!
That's what I was gonna say!
Anna:
I've never met someone
I've never met someone
Both:
Who thinks so much like me
Jinx! Jinx again!
Our mental synchronization
Can have but one explanation
Who thinks so much like me
Jinx! Jinx again!
Our mental synchronization
Can have but one explanation
Hans:
You
Anna:
And I
Hans:
Were
Anna:
Just
You
Anna:
And I
Hans:
Were
Anna:
Just
Both:
Meant to be
Meant to be
Anna:
Say goodbye
Hans:
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Hans:
Say goodbye
Both:
To the pain of the past
We don't have to feel it any more
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
Life can be so much more
To the pain of the past
We don't have to feel it any more
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
Life can be so much more
Anna:
With you
Hans:
With you
Anna:
With you
Hans:
With you
With you
Hans:
With you
Anna:
With you
Hans:
With you
Both:
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
Hans:
Can I say something crazy? Will you marry me?
Anna:
Can I say something even crazier? Yes!
Can I say something crazy? Will you marry me?
Anna:
Can I say something even crazier? Yes!
I've been thinking about the lyrics ever since we were throwing the term "marriage of convenience" in pol science class. A marriage of convenience is a marriage for gains other than love.
The open door is such a vague thing. Open door... to what? Or open door as contextualized by the sister's rejection and shutting out?
Hans: love is an open door to a future of power for me
Anna: love is the acceptance my sister never gave.
What is "find my own place" hans?
Does it refer to transcending the inferiority you have before your brothers? Is this transcendence a result of anna's acceptance (in contrast with your brothers' belittling of you) or is it the proving of your ability to govern a country?
That's the strangest thing. The lyrics of the song were written with such ambiguity that when you revisit it after knowing that hans is a baddie, you realize that the lyrics still fit: that he was this twisted honest guy who was shamelessly sung "anna your love for me is my open door", a means, not an end.
mandatory Valentine's day post
The thing about likes on facebook is that they can be so ambiguous in meaning. One day ago I mused on facebook that valentine's day is a good day to consider the reasons for why I am single.
There were a few likes. Without being a genius I can tell that these likes can be categorized as such
1. It is funny, perhaps cruelly so.
2. Approval of the decision to spend the day thinking
3. Insinuation that there are "good" reasons why I am single.
3 is a real eyesore. To think that people will jump on an innocent status update like that and steal a low-blow... but what the heck, they may just be right.
On a nearly completely side-note, I thank God for the unlikely advice from Joel on Thursday night. He was sharing with me his reflections on the sort of person he used to be, curt, self assured and always right. He said that over time he realized the dangers of being such a man, that when trained into habit, such attitude often blindsides us. He went further to talk about his remorse when people could not take him seriously when he tried to be compassionate and kind.
As he was speaking, I was shuddering. First because I realized that I was fine talking to him but not entirely cool with being lectured.
But also because of the accuracy with which he painted the problems. It's not like he uncovered anything new but, for someone to actually articulate it, it made the problem seem so much more real.
And then I think also about denise who is excellent in nearly everything she does. She's a respected senior in Dance Blast and that's largely due to her calm demeanour, strange humility and her constant involvement in mediating conflicts.
Is that not the sort of person I want to be? Actually yes! But strangely, I feel no place for that desire in the recent months.
The comments suggesting that my ego was getting in the way just resonated with the realization that I seem to have dropped the desire to be an advocate of peace.
You know, maybe I just like to be that spiky, curt, dangerous angry person.
Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the sons of God.
Whoever loves has been born of God and knows God
I'm missing out on a lot.
There were a few likes. Without being a genius I can tell that these likes can be categorized as such
1. It is funny, perhaps cruelly so.
2. Approval of the decision to spend the day thinking
3. Insinuation that there are "good" reasons why I am single.
3 is a real eyesore. To think that people will jump on an innocent status update like that and steal a low-blow... but what the heck, they may just be right.
On a nearly completely side-note, I thank God for the unlikely advice from Joel on Thursday night. He was sharing with me his reflections on the sort of person he used to be, curt, self assured and always right. He said that over time he realized the dangers of being such a man, that when trained into habit, such attitude often blindsides us. He went further to talk about his remorse when people could not take him seriously when he tried to be compassionate and kind.
As he was speaking, I was shuddering. First because I realized that I was fine talking to him but not entirely cool with being lectured.
But also because of the accuracy with which he painted the problems. It's not like he uncovered anything new but, for someone to actually articulate it, it made the problem seem so much more real.
And then I think also about denise who is excellent in nearly everything she does. She's a respected senior in Dance Blast and that's largely due to her calm demeanour, strange humility and her constant involvement in mediating conflicts.
Is that not the sort of person I want to be? Actually yes! But strangely, I feel no place for that desire in the recent months.
The comments suggesting that my ego was getting in the way just resonated with the realization that I seem to have dropped the desire to be an advocate of peace.
You know, maybe I just like to be that spiky, curt, dangerous angry person.
Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the sons of God.
Whoever loves has been born of God and knows God
I'm missing out on a lot.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
he speaks
He speaks to me in songs. He speaks to me as I sing.
I think I've been careless. The hectic days, the days filled with human company has made me forget God. But empty days are returning, empty nonetheless hectic.
There was this gloom in me for much of this week (oh wait, not much of this week has passed) and I couldn't figure out what went wrong. I was just feeling so stressed and also so dissatisfied at the same time.
Then I went for worship rehearsal in the night. The songs were about loving, choosing and following God. Turns out the verse for this week's sermon is taken from Deuteronomy 30:15-20. Perhaps many of you may find this particular portion familiar...
15 “See, I have set before you today life and [a]prosperity, and death and [b]adversity; 16 in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to keep His commandments and His statutes and His judgments, that you may live and multiply, and that the Lord your God may bless you in the land where you are entering to possess it. 17 But if your heart turns away and you will not obey, but are drawn away and worship other gods and serve them, 18 I declare to you today that you shall surely perish. You will not prolong your days in the land where you are crossing the Jordan to enter [c]and possess it. 19 I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your [d]descendants, 20 by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him; for [e]this is your life and the length of your days, [f]that you may live in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”
and it made sense. The gloom which didn't go away was a gracious reminder that I have not been choosing God.
God calls out to us in verse 19. He sets both life and death but He says, "so choose life".
So... I choose life.
I think I've been careless. The hectic days, the days filled with human company has made me forget God. But empty days are returning, empty nonetheless hectic.
There was this gloom in me for much of this week (oh wait, not much of this week has passed) and I couldn't figure out what went wrong. I was just feeling so stressed and also so dissatisfied at the same time.
Then I went for worship rehearsal in the night. The songs were about loving, choosing and following God. Turns out the verse for this week's sermon is taken from Deuteronomy 30:15-20. Perhaps many of you may find this particular portion familiar...
15 “See, I have set before you today life and [a]prosperity, and death and [b]adversity; 16 in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to keep His commandments and His statutes and His judgments, that you may live and multiply, and that the Lord your God may bless you in the land where you are entering to possess it. 17 But if your heart turns away and you will not obey, but are drawn away and worship other gods and serve them, 18 I declare to you today that you shall surely perish. You will not prolong your days in the land where you are crossing the Jordan to enter [c]and possess it. 19 I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your [d]descendants, 20 by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him; for [e]this is your life and the length of your days, [f]that you may live in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”
and it made sense. The gloom which didn't go away was a gracious reminder that I have not been choosing God.
God calls out to us in verse 19. He sets both life and death but He says, "so choose life".
So... I choose life.
Sunday, February 09, 2014
Thursday, February 06, 2014
What a challenge, what sweetness.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lᴏʀᴅ, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
What do I say to this? It's such a challenge. God's promise to the covenantal people, purchased also for me by Jesus' blood that everything which happens in my life, happens for my welfare and not for evil. It happens to give me a future and a hope.
I don't really know what hope here refers to. At the very least it means something to look forward to, or if I may, a reason to live. So God is telling me that the things that are happening right now are purposed for this future and for this hope. Can I trust in that?
God I know that you're shaping me to be a better leader, I know that you're shaping me to be a humble team-player. God I know that you're shaping me to be a diligent student.
I know you're shaping my eyes to look for the right girl.
As I consider your plan for my well-being, help me to see your providence in the things which befall me. Convict my heart too dear Lord, that I will always be enthusiastic.
That when I open my eyes to the morning before me I will find in me a heart which is excited, excited dear Lord to watch your plan further unfold.
That when I face trials I see the opportunity, my eyes quicken to search for the revelation of Your sovereign glory.
And I thank You for Jesus, the hope today and for tomorrow, through whom You purchased for me all the blessings in the heavenly realms. I thank you that I live as one with hope, whose live though mundane is full of design.
I await to see what's in store tomorrow.
What do I say to this? It's such a challenge. God's promise to the covenantal people, purchased also for me by Jesus' blood that everything which happens in my life, happens for my welfare and not for evil. It happens to give me a future and a hope.
I don't really know what hope here refers to. At the very least it means something to look forward to, or if I may, a reason to live. So God is telling me that the things that are happening right now are purposed for this future and for this hope. Can I trust in that?
God I know that you're shaping me to be a better leader, I know that you're shaping me to be a humble team-player. God I know that you're shaping me to be a diligent student.
I know you're shaping my eyes to look for the right girl.
As I consider your plan for my well-being, help me to see your providence in the things which befall me. Convict my heart too dear Lord, that I will always be enthusiastic.
That when I open my eyes to the morning before me I will find in me a heart which is excited, excited dear Lord to watch your plan further unfold.
That when I face trials I see the opportunity, my eyes quicken to search for the revelation of Your sovereign glory.
And I thank You for Jesus, the hope today and for tomorrow, through whom You purchased for me all the blessings in the heavenly realms. I thank you that I live as one with hope, whose live though mundane is full of design.
I await to see what's in store tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
Why I attend dance concerts.
Well, have I mentioned that… I love performing? Or that I discovered the joy of dancing since I was in P6? I have a love-hate relationship with dance concerts. Watching them makes me incredibly happy and then also impossibly jealous.
I don’t know what I’m after. I know that as I take the stage I feel adrenaline coursing through my veins. I know that I’m often excited, not intimidated, by the crowd. This is perhaps the extrovert side of me: I do draw energy from the people around me.
I know that I enjoy moving my body. I enjoy the challenge of moving a muscle and keeping the other still. I enjoy the forcefulness behind every smooth motion. I like the amount of action which really goes on behind the performance.
I grew up amongst friends who thought little of dancing (even if they do ‘dance’ and make a big fool of themselves in clubs these days). Is that why I never picked it up?
I found myself in schools which thought little of offering dance for guys. Is that why I never found other friends?
I was tuition, piano lessons adverse. Is that why I never looked up dance studios?
I enjoyed my brief encounter with cha-cha. But never really had a partner I would be comfortable with being uncomfortable with. Many of them didn’t know how to dance, the one who did… well… haha.
I don’t know where this muse brings me. I know I came to a conviction while watching.
I may not be dancing today, but there are a few other things I am doing.
If I had any regrets, it’s in not pursuing them.
Hence I shall pursue them well, in other words, do my best in the things I’m doing.
ICG is out of question though, the cheek of them to arrange Frisbee and captain’s ball on Sunday.
How to play sia. Need to teach Sunday school.
Which also made me think:
Christians out there pursue various passions with minimal conflict to their faith. Have I accepted too many responsibilities… and lost my chance to do the same?
Well, have I mentioned that… I love performing? Or that I discovered the joy of dancing since I was in P6? I have a love-hate relationship with dance concerts. Watching them makes me incredibly happy and then also impossibly jealous.
I don’t know what I’m after. I know that as I take the stage I feel adrenaline coursing through my veins. I know that I’m often excited, not intimidated, by the crowd. This is perhaps the extrovert side of me: I do draw energy from the people around me.
I know that I enjoy moving my body. I enjoy the challenge of moving a muscle and keeping the other still. I enjoy the forcefulness behind every smooth motion. I like the amount of action which really goes on behind the performance.
I grew up amongst friends who thought little of dancing (even if they do ‘dance’ and make a big fool of themselves in clubs these days). Is that why I never picked it up?
I found myself in schools which thought little of offering dance for guys. Is that why I never found other friends?
I was tuition, piano lessons adverse. Is that why I never looked up dance studios?
I enjoyed my brief encounter with cha-cha. But never really had a partner I would be comfortable with being uncomfortable with. Many of them didn’t know how to dance, the one who did… well… haha.
I don’t know where this muse brings me. I know I came to a conviction while watching.
I may not be dancing today, but there are a few other things I am doing.
If I had any regrets, it’s in not pursuing them.
Hence I shall pursue them well, in other words, do my best in the things I’m doing.
ICG is out of question though, the cheek of them to arrange Frisbee and captain’s ball on Sunday.
How to play sia. Need to teach Sunday school.
Which also made me think:
Christians out there pursue various passions with minimal conflict to their faith. Have I accepted too many responsibilities… and lost my chance to do the same?
Monday, February 03, 2014
For a change?
Oh what am I doing now? I'm reading this supplementary reading from a book that has to be borrowed from the rbr. New frontiers man, New frontiers.
I hope this is some good permanent change. Still, the fact that I'm free enough to do this troubles me. Am I not doing something else I ought to be doing?
I hope this is some good permanent change. Still, the fact that I'm free enough to do this troubles me. Am I not doing something else I ought to be doing?
Saturday, February 01, 2014
poor mum
I was talking to my mum this afternoon, since visitation went wrong and we were back at home since 3.
As usual, I was on my verbal assault of what I regard as "slumber of the adults". I think that the fault for the state the church is in the sleepiness of the adults. Many are either sleeping or dying to retire, to throw their responsibilities into the arms of rising youngsters.
My mum starting with denial and then later in firm agreement. Nonetheless, she shrugs her shoulders and throws me back a question.
"what can be done about it?"
Turns out she's pretty outspoken in church.
However, knowing her and her tendency to sometimes say pretty ridiculous things, her opinions are not often regarded during meeting.
I think I felt a tinge of rage when I heard that. More, when I think that she wasn't even from this church, but married in because of my dad.
And my dad. I hope he was absent during those meetings because I don't want to know that he stood there and let mum take the abuse.
My mum tells me that she's a misunderstood person. Are these things inheritable?
As usual, I was on my verbal assault of what I regard as "slumber of the adults". I think that the fault for the state the church is in the sleepiness of the adults. Many are either sleeping or dying to retire, to throw their responsibilities into the arms of rising youngsters.
My mum starting with denial and then later in firm agreement. Nonetheless, she shrugs her shoulders and throws me back a question.
"what can be done about it?"
Turns out she's pretty outspoken in church.
However, knowing her and her tendency to sometimes say pretty ridiculous things, her opinions are not often regarded during meeting.
I think I felt a tinge of rage when I heard that. More, when I think that she wasn't even from this church, but married in because of my dad.
And my dad. I hope he was absent during those meetings because I don't want to know that he stood there and let mum take the abuse.
My mum tells me that she's a misunderstood person. Are these things inheritable?
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