a slap on the face

a slap on my face.
i guess... it isnt the same.

well i was just watching this thing today.

whats the difference between having a life and a purpose
and a purpose without life?
the difference is
with life, we are able to influence others to our purpose
without life, we're but mindless robots
programmed to our purpose.

see the difference? do you have life?

the man made storm

its an irony how I'm supposed to be happy.

oh how i used to sleep to tight
through those countless brewing storms.
where the cold dug at my chest
and the wind's ghostly whispers.
the constant merciless barrage drops.
yet I was unharmed, and i slept and slumbered.

now theres this man made storm.
it had the power none other wield
it mocked at mother nature
for she knew she was stronger.

as it manifests the time to sleep
i tossed and turned in my humble bed
i cant be at peace with my head
and for that I'll weep.

for its impossible to overcome the former.
I'm shackled up hard.
I'm ashamed, I'm not my life's driver.

the storm is.

the thoughts of this mind

oh this is just a quick sunday morning inspiration.
was just thinking as i was in the toilet.
those brainless commentating downstairs.
stirred up a bunch of lazy greedy cowards.
the noise was so provoking, i forced out of house
i went into, the other realm.
there i was, so was my mind. we began a hearty rhyme.

actually there was no rhyme.
"so... what am i going to type now?"
"nope.. i must be honest. things musn't be fabricated"
"tell her... tell her that what ben said was you intent..."
"nope. that'll be dumb... right"
"its up to you, where's your courage, soldier?"
"i think i'll be late later"
"math homework."
"hoping zhongsheng wont piss teachers off"
"wait wait.... dont tell me im doing verse sharing today...."
"you know last weeks....?"
"er yeah"
"the hoody kinda small eh?"
"LOL that's YOUR problem"

pissed of at the negligence, i switched off the channel.
and off to bathe, off to church

youth gathering

well today was fun, just wanna say to the worship leaders.
dont worry, the laptop didnt screw up because of you all
it screwed up because it did.
so dont pour blood over your heads for nothing.
ah then again its if you read my blog.. lol

ok. shoots. math homework. must chiong tomorrow.

today's BGR talk was so weird
haha i just had loads of fun doing the acting.
heh.
ok there's nothing much left, the geng jia gan tian is super hard to dance. dang

what happened?

somehow i just couldnt feel like getting out of house. math homework is just retarded, but its not like as if im going to do em' all either.
i think mdm toh is just going to like give me 2 or more bookings.
cant they just excuse me? i mean i did my work, but someone had to take my foolscap pad away.
so how is that fair that i have to redo all my work just because someone is retarded?
i dont know..
sigh sigh sigh.
haha

new skin

new skin, no yeah. watever. LoL

illusive fantasy.

i dont know why, but the walk in THE MALL by clarke quay just kinda
felt like as if it either happened ages ago
or that it didnt happen in the first place.
whatever happened felt so.. artificial, crafted to perfection.
it was the last of everything, a mark of a beginning.

its confusing, its weird- its totally like me.

today i was waiting for a bus. and this truck turned in.
for awhile i was thinking. er... could it be that i saw the bus as a truck
as in the truck was actually a bus but i saw it as a truck?
man. looks like as if i need to take knowledge and inquiry right.
haha.

ok lets talk about the math tuition.
its like OMG STRESS.
i dont know why, but i spent 2 hours just doing things i cant do
i was.... hm.. ok, skip!. hm.. skip! .... skip!
and yet the tuition teacher said that i didnt need tuition
i just need
revision.
oh but wth man. tuition's the same thing.
that'll be when i do work.

oh that ray of confusion.
bounce off me
and leave me unscathed.

the message

hey guys. sorry for the spook yesterday.
well, i'll say everything, right here in this post.
*drumro....*

well, sometime ago, at this hour of yesterday.

you guys still were friends by calling, hardly friends by nature.
i call you all friends, for thats the term
but honestly i could never feel how friends were like at all
im not in your classes, infact i no longer play in your styles
the clever witty tuck yan.. guessed he died as the year went past

know who i am now

i dont know what im doing, i'm just trying to tell you all that
if you're still there for me now, you guys are really great
even if not, i'd like to thank for the past memories
you all etched in my life, they were peaceful, never traumatizes me
well. dont worry, this is a note to live, not a note for suicide.


well.
i dont know how i can hold the fort against you dear
but i know i wont last for 2 more days.
as i finished my Amath tuition today
i picked up my phone to share it with you
not untill i've selected your name
have i found out that our friendship had been due
keeping the phone, i didnt want it to be in vain.
so i thought i'd let you know
that there was never once i could really let go
but want and will is a different circle
sometimes there are just no exceptions

i had my lies

i had my lies, secrets i had to keep.
i had a cold metallic heart, a place out of reach.
sometimes i thought i could fathom the future
what i failed to feel, was that precious process.

i liked to blame it all on myself, gaining pity
after all, all i torn the picture, what you said is right
i thought i could, fathom the future
now all i can see, is the previous arrangement

i wasnt with you, i was with her.
yet this picture was painted in fear
i dont know what to do, this chance is to be relinquished
i dont know why, but the picture's no longer clear.

if i said i cried and i teared.
maybe the most i could get, was a cold "screw off"
i dont know what im doing, i'm lost in here
im lost in the world i created in fear.

written somewhere special

this time its different, its on something new, something bigger.
its somewhere there for the first time
this is typed on the...
new com! woooh internet's up, up!

well ok. i was about to emo something but i kinda forgot abt it

haha ok lets move on then, did i say that i lost my foolscap pad
?
omg man my holiday homework's all in it!.
darn.

ok well anyway. heres a little NCC reflection
today we went to do IFC. its er... i forgot wat it stands for
heck
ok anyway, since it rained, the woods were in a shitty state
mud, funny smell, emo cadets.
heh, not forgeting lousy CLTs
haha the CLT was teaching away at camo techniques
but it was crappy, hardly informative.
so the poor cadets sat on that unearthly soil
and listen to that poorly structured "speech?"
haha well they started uprooting all the grass around the area later
im glad there were no injuries.
dont worry, their sissy efforts failed to shave the place desolate.
well, i guess im finally having fun, just the few of us who came for the
extra training today.
whatever i really missed out in my first 3 years...
thank God im finally getting paid. ha.

the serenity of staying alone.
away from the meaningless noise
the meaning of life, for the loss atoned.
phewy

with that

with that cut, all ties were severed
the knives stuck to my back, uncountable
i will never comprehend facing your back
but that's pretty fine, for its life.

flinging into rage i sought the window.
pulling back, i loaded my hand
for the glass, some hell to administer
i thought i glimpse the other me
staring smiling back, his face was sinister
gasp i went, my hand faded away

guess i'll save it, for another day.
i'll never know what you stuck into my back

im getting the reason to dont give shit about you.

see the clouds

seem them? they covered up the day
i was but a loser today.

well lets see, my math teacher had to talk to me again
cauz she's suspecting that i've been like.. copying hw
i've got nothing to say, i do copy homework, but the point is
i've been trying harder ok, c'mon teachers
dont give me some complicated angsty speech.
could you, ask me first before barraging me with crap?

here's the second part which sucks, the realisation

well some people just shouldnt read this part, so if you think
you're it, stop here

here goes.
i was thinking and i did put it into the paper.
this topic came out
an encounter with stress

so i thought ok this is the opportunity, so i quickly wrote it down
i wrote everything and i left nothing behind.
i wrote with as far as my vocab could support me
as far as i could take myself without watering my paper.
i wrote it and i did, my best chinese compo ever.

the comments from the teacher was
beautifully written, but i didnt see the stress, all i saw was pain.
is this a personal recount, as in seriously? ( written in chinese.. duh)

well i was kinda shocked. yeah i was obviously carried away
my teacher had to give me a 0 to kick my brains back into the head.

well, i asked her on how to improve and she told me, write an ending
and discribe the stress more than you describe your pain.
i couldnt get this... stress= some kinda pain.. right?
well she included that
since its an encounter, write abt how you got out of it
and what you learnt
at this moment i asked her, ok, but how do i write that? i dont know wat to write.
surprisingly, she said with a knowing air
of course you cant write it, you haven't reached it yet.
so i thought ok woah.
and after thinking a few more seconds into the show, it came out fully
i knew wat she means though probably she didnt.
man this entanglement i went and step into continuously
its truly the time to just step out and live a life
a life where God is the mastermind, not pain.

for her

grasping together, these two hands
said a promise, and i'll be there
reflecting back and a reality check
im not much of anything now
the potter's hands will mould me
he'll make me something glad.
one day you'll have no choice
but to be proud of me.
and as i love you
love me back.
now the two hands come in contact
a Hi5 with God
the whole journey, hand in hand.

idk la

ahhh the post is going to be long.

brace yourselves.
heres a little something

i figured out i heard God talking to me

he found me wallowing

in absolute self pity

and so even his envoy

someone so fierce

and watever couldnt wake me
guess he knew the man for the Job
the man himself.

well here goes. this is wat i said back to him.

of course i was crying, i was well

devastatingly awakenned.

you razed my life to show me the light

to smash what i'd think would be fine.

concurrently breaking your heart,

you saw the beauty unseen inside

the hopefully hopeless life

which in me resides.

its hard to understand the pain you felt

when you watched me hurt

i'd never know what true love is about.

i only have the reins to me to offer.

take them and lead me,

im blinded but you can see!

pick me up and adjust me

straighten me to the flight planned for me.

well next up was just a train of thoughts

when i was prancing to and fro alone along clarke quay

(so poor thing right.. haha watever)

the mall was majestic

oh, im just a fry.

im running about frantically

but dont worry

i ain't trapped inside.

it was said that being alone by the river

was a miserable sight.

guess that's but a viable reason.

im stuck in my world

artists by the river

some by pen

others by fingers

drawing beauty not of the river

but shaping and crafting

the art of the unthinkable.

the fingers spoke inaudible speech

the pen drew incredible endeavours

amazing how the restricted are free

this life of mine, i better rethink.

ok heh happy birthday torsten!

woooh.

i dont know abt the piercing of ears

honestly i cant figure out how you might look like with them!

haha well enjoy that long long earring.

today was kinda fun. church comm meeting was kinda fun

i kept spacing out and phase shifting, but i guess...

i guess i still caught the important fun.

after that we went to clarke quay

i was just prancing about my garden of dreams.

no i mean i was in my own world again

was quite tired but now im staying up so late?haha idk la bought that hoody thing

which was a tad too small.

mum's gonna replace it, who knows wat's in stall?

well back home now, guess its time to sleep. pheewwww

i didnt want to go back to school too.

either way, know that i love you.

idk la

ahhh the post is going to be long.

brace yourselves.
heres a little something

i figured out i heard God talking to me

he found me wallowing

in absolute self pity

and so even his envoy

someone so fierce

and watever couldnt wake me
guess he knew the man for the Job
the man himself.

well here goes. this is wat i said back to him.

of course i was crying, i was well

devastatingly awakenned.

you razed my life to show me the light

to smash what i'd think would be fine.

concurrently breaking your heart,

you saw the beauty unseen inside

the hopefully hopeless life

which in me resides.

its hard to understand the pain you felt

when you watched me hurt

i'd never know what true love is about.

i only have the reins to me to offer.

take them and lead me,

im blinded but you can see!

pick me up and adjust me

straighten me to the flight planned for me.

well next up was just a train of thoughts

when i was prancing to and fro alone along clarke quay

(so poor thing right.. haha watever)

the mall was majestic

oh, im just a fry.

im running about frantically

but dont worry

i ain't trapped inside.

it was said that being alone by the river

was a miserable sight.

guess that's but a viable reason.

im stuck in my world

artists by the river

some by pen

others by fingers

drawing beauty not of the river

but shaping and crafting

the art of the unthinkable.

the fingers spoke inaudible speech

the pen drew incredible endeavours

amazing how the restricted are free

this life of mine, i better rethink.

ok heh happy birthday torsten!

woooh.

i dont know abt the piercing of ears

honestly i cant figure out how you might look like with them!

haha well enjoy that long long earring.

today was kinda fun. church comm meeting was kinda fun

i kept spacing out and phase shifting, but i guess...

i guess i still caught the important fun.

after that we went to clarke quay

i was just prancing about my garden of dreams.

no i mean i was in my own world again

was quite tired but now im staying up so late?haha idk la bought that hoody thing

which was a tad too small.

mum's gonna replace it, who knows wat's in stall?

well back home now, guess its time to sleep. pheewwww

i didnt want to go back to school too.

either way, know that i love you.

just thinking.. again

well i was thinking today, just like any other days
that hm.. im not quite a person who says things for fun!
when i say something, i mean it, even if its crap
unfortunately its sincerity is always doubt by many.

i hate to say if im a schemer,
behind each word, lies a poison dagger
its armed and its ready to seize some blood
i said that typing was for my ownself,
little could anyone expect the knives ready to dart
at anyone who's eyes with the meaning's touch.

its dangerous its a war, words are the very atom bomb
that merciless chain gun, that blood stained blunt.
i cant fathom the power of words, it'll blow me up
i keep it cauz' i know that too well.
i could use it, to blow me up.

ok just typing something i had to splurt
before the journey of loner shopping
where i shop not to be alone
but you cant stop an ironical happening.

heh, the cold wind blows...

cough and leap to l75

a few things happened and they set my mind on the move
keith and is comments on the tagboard, another anonymous
-who knows who?

keith i had to say that i just had to
if i blogged such that people will read my blog
then i guess im just too much of a filthy blogger
blogger again, its an online journal
if you couldnt understand, it probably just means something
that you've been missing out on alot of me

to the anonymous, the same message goes out to you
i thought i saw the correct you, the one i said was perfectly good
look at wat you did to shatter your image
though its true that we probably wont see each other
but, what kinda impression did you leave in my face
when you spoke everything in (hopefully) haste?

i dont know, you better at least mean everything you said.

to blog or not to blog, if only if shakespeare came out with this
haha that funny botak crapper, he was universal
guess to be or not to be
refers to being a blogger.
LOL

someday

someday you'll just scream it into my face
the truth you've burried, the true colours
you'll show me that painting, of shame and pain
to have ever known a person
a person by the likes of me

i couldnt see why you kept things from me
over them plastered the fake understanding
when you scream in protest
your tears were undefeatable
to lie to me, thats you zeal and zest?

im desperate to paint a story of the matter
a painting not made by thousand letters
im sad and im broken inside
you dont even know if im alright
that in these words the meaning hides

i can't help but feel your absence
as though silence really overpowers
my chest crumbles from the void of you
trapped on an island, up a guarded tower
my heart is in shreds and my life is due.

yet you simply dont know
i just cant live without you.



even his name was written right there
my heart throbs, i dont understand.

looking back

looking back life had been sweet
God placed marvellous people around me

now,
marvellous people are still around me
but God gave me a pity- i couldnt see

Lord open my eyes, to see them clearly
those lovely friends i had failed to see

plant them nearer, right beside me
so that each of their breath, might be a pleasant breeze.


to all of my friends who i am dear to
im sorry about that favour, so badly not returned.

the good old days

dont take them away

heya whichever lonely soul who reads my blog
sorry, havent been updating
somehow i felt as though i contantly updated

but i guess they were just plain thoughts
well, holidays are really eating into me
dont you feel like as if
its but a mere reason for teachers to pile homework on us?
honestly, tell me if its a break when theres so much to do.
kinda tired but im feeling good
peace made- happiness filled
phew. to work!

after quite long, the thought finally went through

in setting in, it stirred up dust
funny thoughts just filled my mind.
its like smoke, i cant chase it away
im just dreaming my time, thoughts of that kind.

was considering since i promised
if we stood level on the balance
i feared for the day, where i saw with my eyes
the balance of scales, i fell out of line

what if you were too good
and im but tainting mud.
i'd spoil your beauty, waste your time
what would i do, if that is a fact?

would i retreat again, and make you wait
would i rush into things
and watch them broken by fate?
its an awful crossroad. im broken im sad.
im upset, dirt burried me in hate.

today i heard, about something too true
a love relationship, is a ghost encounter
many spoke of it
yet who managed to really experience it?
who can truly recite that phantom?

i dont know, i think i can
it was painful and it proves the truth
i know i was never really good to you
when i stood up, matters were worse
disappointments.

i dont what'll happen
after i go through, that hole in that O'
i dont want to determine, foresee
if your would still be there for me.

im tired of thinking
tired of anticipating
if everything would follow
that path of my will.

its high time i design my future
its time i truly try
to piece all the lovely together.

169. hop to 170

haven't been bloggin for ages.
well, heres the little update.
new com- but no yeah
quite ownage results- but no yeah
Amath feeling easier
-but no yeah
why? its the same lingering problem
its me, its you, its that lousy fate

my heart is a crude melding of flesh and metal
the metal consumes it slowly
feeding away in a classical frenzy
please save my heart like you did before
i dont want to know the tranquility of death
nor know of the strength of insanity.
peel that casing off and liberate this heart
save my heart like you did before.

ok screw, percentage differentiation is retard.
if i dont muster it, im afraid i should just die or something.

if i controlled me

if only if i had the power
to shapeshift the world

i think i'll shape it beyond recognition
shape it to disaster.

i'll shape fate as fate shapes me
knowing truly deeply
how sanity is for the weak.

but i dont have the power
and i thank God for not giving

i wont want to blow the world into bits
of which of course, holds people
i love to... well... bits!

the contours will change

cauz one day, the contours will change
the lines on the face, the known features
those rivers have scared, the face of the earth
those valleys have formed, just to deform.
the scares are fresh, and they run deep
im in misery, im in pain because i bleed.
im troubled, because i care for those in need
im empty, because i poured out
for the world which never cared back for me.

im tired of wanting to see the utopia.
im tired of living when many have fled
they plunged down, to the darkness of hell
guess i didnt go there, cauz i knew hell - too well.
i tried to be the love machine
for the world which is pallid and empty.
all these playing the plaster, or antiseptic ointments
are all pilling, like a mountain of endless burdens

i dont have to care about them
i didnt have to hurt myself
i dont have to be the peacemaker
when no one cares about peace
i dont have to defend my friends, for
friends are everything i dont have.
i dont have to live in misery
and hope that heaven has my share.

would someone drag me out
from the pitiful slumber?
where nightmares haunt the nightmares
and nightmares are double the scare.
i dont want anyone to think that im good
im clever im smart, lets lift up those blinds
i was clever and smart, but now
laziness is all you can possibly find.

dont send me for those stressful competitions
mastering A math will be my liberation
drag me away, from those dreadful CCA's
and i'll show you, the 8As anyone desires
put me beside someone who can study
dont throw me an idiot and call him my buddy.
its time to be serious, books are my "friends"
i wont be caring, i wont give no damn
i'll blaze those superficial friends
when the O's come to the ultimate end.