We taste Thee, O Thou Living Bread,
And long to feast upon Thee still:
We drink of Thee, the Fountainhead
And thirst our souls from Thee to fill.

Having Him I now covet Him. 

Having Him I long for Him

Assured, I fear to lose Assurance

Hopeful, I flee from desperation. 

God let me taste you and give me a brain to remember it. 

Else let me taste you and taste you again for remembrance. 

May I be drawn, dependent, addicted. 

May I be narrow, consider no other. 

Somethings are just a little too late.

Like typing in front of this computer and using the microsoft word I've desired to use throughout all 4 weeks of report writing in fairfield. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why I took so long to do something as simple as acquiring someone else's login and password.

And now even as I'm typing away on a report and possibly enjoying it, it is a little too late, because... it's the last day. Sometimes it's a little too late to only receive feedback on the last day, some fundamental and regarding my character, some so minute you can turn it around in an instant.
And it's too late, I'm not going to get a chance to prove myself. To show that if someone told me earlier I can do it better. It's too late perhaps, to even try and see just how big a challenge it is.

It's too late to change the mind of the superior perhaps. Too late to speak with the louder word which is action. She'll be typing away a report on me, convicted that her observations are without any misalignment. It's too late, I cannot change those gleeful hands.

Today's feedback while humbling, was also frustrating. It felt like a "let's see how well you can blame yourself segment".
There were comments about how I can have higher EQ and improve on my inter-personal relations. Then there are the free-flying accusations of lack of proactivity. It does get ridiculous.
For instance, I was attached to this teacher from 4G with the vague instruction to assist him. First day at lessons I was asked to take the weaker students whose questions mainly centered around misunderstanding or ignorance of the marking scheme- LORMS.
Reflecting on that, I said I wished I anticipated that and got myself trained before going into class and making a fool of myself. I still think that to be something pretty decent for me to say.

But instead, I was accused of being passive. Of not approaching the teacher earlier to find out what I was required to do and then to, in my own time, go learn the things necessary. Oh, and forget about the fact that I attended those lessons only twice, she asked why I did not go the extra mile to help the students in other ways, as the other scholar did.

That's really bewildering. Did she mean that she has the right to expect that from me... and not her teacher? At best I concede that both me and the teacher I was attached to were not pro active enough. But seriously, to pin it down to me, on my last day in school...

This is why the feedback was frustrating. There were accurate stuff, and the downright presumptuous comments. It's like offering you something nutritious and then... mixing some dung on it and expecting you to swallow it whole on the account of what remains nutritious within.
And you want to retaliate, to clarify. But your gut is familiarized. It tells you that your qualifications, when perceived through those tinted glasses, become nothing more than excuses. Excuses which fortify the impression that you're just this dont-wanna-be-here person.

And now it seems all too late. No shot at redeeming yourself nor explaining your way away. But it isn't.

I guess what counts is what I do with the really relevant shreds of advice and criticism, what counts is when summer comes again next year.

I'm not good with the interpersonal relations thing I guess. But just because I'm bad it doesn't mean that every contrived criticism will stick.

I feel compelled to end this on an optimistic note.

I still am.

Do not be satisfied

If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

I never forget this quote from weight of glory by C.S. Lewis.

I've had the happiest of days recently, yet Lord keep me dissatisfied. Do not let my desires remain weak. Give me a huge appetite and a spacious gut to stomach You.

My desire for you must surpass that for C.
Give her a big spiritual appetite too.

Your staff

What keeps an emotionally unstable youth from going for a reckless late night movie alone? Your staff o Lord. What keeps the anger down and selects choice tender words? What makes a heart invoke You in an unhappy conversation? Your staff, it leads me and comforts me.
Your rod will come soon. I know.

And who braves this in a cold winter's night? Who's struggling in the cold which invades the fingers which search Your word frantically even now? Who's clad in that jacket with a hood that is green on the underside? God if you glance towards Australia and see one such person, would you give her peace that I cannot secure? Would you comfort her, would you conjure happy memories? Will you call forth tears from her eyes, out from a rocky heart?
Would you just sustain us? Can you heal it as you did in the past? Can you make all things new again?

No I shall guard my heart for how else can I lead?
And yet to be a leader is to be lonely. Lord how shall I lead if You do not guide? Even so, bring her to our side... And someday purge this loneliness by making us of one mind, one hope and one flesh.

I don't have more to say. I have these to pray. Reach her as she seeks, answer when she calls. I let it go.

I have found for thirty years that preaching and teaching about God's demand that we delight in Him more than in anything else breaks and humbles people, and makes them desperate for true conversion and true Christianity. Oh, how easy it is to think we are what we ought to be when the emotions are made peripheral! Mere thoughts and mere deeds are mangeable by the carnal religious mind. But the emotions- they are the weathercock of the heart. Nothing shows the direction of the deep winds of the soul like the demand for radical, sin-destroying, Christ-exlating joy in God

John Piper- Alive to Wonder, Celebrating the Influence of C.S. Lewis

Your departure- the glorious calamity

I do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, concerning the affliction which we experienced in Asia for we were so exceedingly unbearably crushed that we despaired even of life, but we had in ourselves this sentence of death in order that we might not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. (2 Corinthians 1:8–9)

Paul and Co met with afflictions which were so exceeding the despaired even of life. However, as those who love God, these afflictions worked towards their good, that they may learn to rely on God. When terrible calamities come, the need to rely on God becomes more apparent. It is not that we do not need to rely on God to do the mundane but it seems that we are more acutely aware of our need to rely on God when bigger things come. As the calamities go, the faithful retain their lesson and realise that God sustains every single small thing thing in our lives, the faithful rejoice and become perpetually grateful. 

Your departure is a calamity of sorts. Best is if my heart aches so much for you it drives me to my knees. Next may be all the insecurities we have to deal with which will be so heartbreaking because we cannot thrash it out face-to-face. Worst will be the gradual loss of memory and affection, as the bustle or our own carelessness drives us into the background and it becomes increasingly difficult to put in the effort to meet on skype and to take interest in telling each other about our days. 

I guess I'll learn... learn to rely on God for everything. I'll learn to rely on Him to satisfy me, learn to rely on Him to stay faithful, learn to rely on Him for wisdom to guide you.. There are even places of reliance I cannot even fathom now, but these things will all come as you leave. 

We did remind ourselves to not get too caught up with the sad stuff and forget to enjoy the present... But hey C, we can take it further. Let's start getting enthusiastic about your departure.


http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/your-calamity-in-1973

Do the miracles stop happening?

Galatians 3:3

Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?

This verse came to my mind as I was walking to school on Monday. I was thinking of her and all the good things God has brought us thus far. The times we disagreed but settled peacefully, the times of brave opinion and correction which brought us closer rather than drove us apart... we began in faith, looking to God to provide for everything... and everything was good. 

And as I was walking, I was aware that something in my head has taken a turn. I've begun to... well, crave for her body. While the little acts of affirmation has gone well with me as they came, the consecutive days running from wednesday to friday took a toll on me. I was changing and the change was hidden from me. 

Still ignorant of what was happening, I thought of her fondly, our messages conveying virtual hugs and pats on the head. I think I love her, I vaguely remember God... but I still do remember Him. 

Taking in a breath, I responded to my recollection of the verse. 

"By grace of course, or we'll be dead." 

"No, you've gone by flesh instead"

This was the awful truth which only became apparent on tuesday. Fiercely anticipating our meeting, I alighted from the bus at central library. I see her, there, my heart leaps and I felt the euphoria I've been calling love. Everything felt okay, as normal as any other day. That was until the rain came down as we were walking down to clementi arcade (no don't be silly it's not THAT sort of arcade). Cheeky as I am, I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her tightly against me as we shared the umbrella, freeing up unnecessary room beneath the shade. She was so tight beside me she could barely hold the umbrella up. It was enjoyable (and will be more so in the furture), but everything... went wrong from there. 

From a prolonged holding of hands over ice-cream to her hooking of her arm with mine as we strolled down cold storage, to dubious looks exchanged along the sidewalk... to my intentional headbutts and her subsequent leaning on my shoulders, to my touching of her face... These things I shudder to imagine again. 

Perplexed, I decided that we had to clamp down on these things because as they were all happening, she felt strangely far away, my heart strangely broken from a profound sense of loss. I learnt from her that night that she was cross with my take on her accommodation in sydney, over my seeming lack of biblical concern over the sexually immoral neighbourhood of larkin street. When I was able to somewhat successfully defend my position, she felt stupid and inadequate and was besieged by doubts about my love for her. Finding no recluse, she sought assurance by being physically intimate, thinking that if I would touch her she would be convinced that I loved her. 

And the whole time I was just... enjoying it, the thought that she was feeling unloved eluded my mind. When I learnt that this was the case, I felt like an animal. For the first time the words "I love you" choked me, for there are serious reasons, since I went and did all of that, to doubt that I love her at all. 

She said she doesn't want to give it up. She said that maybe there's God's plan in this. But really, none of that so much as put a smile on my face. A deathly weight bore down on me since tuesday night, a sense of dread I dragged with me to school... and back. 

It was a sense of loss I guess. A sentiment that our mistake has caused us to lose something precious we can never get back. Then... there is also that sickening taunt, a relentless whisper by my ear, reminding me of how little I love her. That was... until she said that it felt like the honeymoon period just ended. 

To me, the honeymoon period is where couples are deeply in love with one another. Of course the temporal honeymoons were driven by affection which could end... with boredom, with physical deterioration and so on. In my definition, if they truly love each other, the honeymoon lasts forever. Who says that people take each other for granted over time? It is not time, but fading love which causes ungratefulness. In my opinion, true love causes eternal honeymoons, a relationship I'm certain all God-loving people share with God. 

And the bible teaches that the man is to love his wife to the extent he lays his life down for her. Ephesians 5:25 says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”. The wife reciprocates this love with submission to the man. Such love takes the relationship into a perpetual honeymoon. 

By I love her so little. That was evident in the following verses “27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—”. I had forsaken my role of caring for her and keeping her pure, holy and blameless. I was unaware of her danger and carried her away to blameworthy things. The Word judges that I don’t love her very much at all. 

Upon realising that, the sense of loss evaporated. I never had it because I love her so little and hence was never in the honeymoon to begin with. We didn't fall from an ideal state... rather we were always journeying towards it and this encounter now seems like a huge leap forward- our honeymoon is not only not over, it is not yet. 

I became suddenly joyful. I know that the perfection God describes in the bible is humanly unattainable, meaning that God performs everything He describes. This love is a God thing. His goodness is behind it. He will supply the strength and change the heart into adequate instruments. If this is a God thing then... Even when it seems unsalvageable, it is. 

Then I felt it, a calm surge of love for her. One which quietly desires her purity, one so strong it began to drown out all my desires for physical intimacy, I felt us returned to the days from before when we knew of our affection for each other, saw of God’s grace in it and were satisfied. I was... Satisfied again. 

“Do miracles ever stop happening?” was the first thought in my mind. Why, many times over God has visited us with His grace and each revisit seems more incredible than the last. I’ve had my previous relationship torn apart by the very same sense of dread, a dread which nourished negativity, anger and finally separations after separations. This same dread was dealt with within the day this time. I had eyes to see, to admit my lack of love and I was forgiven and freed. This exhilarating freedom, this defeat of an old enemy, can such magic happen again? My hope dwindles. 

Yes it can, I resolved to be hopeful and confident, exercising faith in the God who loves me. I choose not nervous cowardice, but put on excitement and enthusiasm, looking ahead to the miracles God will continue to work. Show me the good things dear Lord, the pleasure of walking in your ways, the reward of trusting in you. Let me live in radical obedience and surrender to You. 

A final note. I revisited the moment when I was set free and realised that the key was gratefulness. The eureka moment came as we attempted to give thanks to God, even as our hearts were sore and our hopes were low. In 1 Thessalonians 5, Paul gives some final instructions, explaining to what ends they were for in verse 23, “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” To rejoice(16), pray continually(17) and give thanks in all circumstances(18) was part of these instructions. 

Rejoicing, praying, and giving thanks all serve as means through which God will sanctify and keep us blameless as we await Jesus’ return. I see now how God has fulfilled this promise of His, as we prayed and gave thanks, there also were we sanctified.  

I love you C. 

Impending departure.

They were calling for pre-bible study on 14th july.

14th july? The date seemed familiar. Checking back our conversation I found it, Estherminator.

But 14th july? You mean, just 3 days after I'll be at the airport, sending you off in tears?
I shut my eyes, it's nearer than I thought. The last I checked we had 21 days and now, 16. I shudder at the thought. Will God prepare me sufficiently before that day comes? I don't know, somehow I doubt so.

I don't think it's necessary for me to be spared the pain. In fact, I wonder if I'll ever learn without struggle!
It's coming and I want to treasure EVERY day.

Yes tough times are coming... but I'll remember to smell the flowers (or the flower), I trust God, I trust that nothing less than ideal will happen. I pray that I become acquainted with that ideal so I will rejoice as I see it coming.