You've been my confidante so... ever since we've decided not to talk I've found it hard to find someone to share my thoughts with.
But one thing that has occurred to me ever since that night was that... whatever I thought you were doing to me, I was doing the same thing to God.
I can imagine saying similar things.
I think me and God get along quite well, we seem to agree on many things.
We have many wonderful and happy memories.
There were so many encounters, here and there, tears, genuine joy that I felt along the way.
And along the way I made many promises, I promised to love Him, to put Him first.
I promised to read His word, to love His people.
I promised Him that for His sake I will watch my tongue, for His sake I will withhold my wrath.
But somehow, whenever He asks for my heart, I realised that my promises have often fallen empty.
My heart feels weak and feeble, unable to muster any substantial emotion for Him.
He knows how little He features in my thoughts, He knows how little regard I have for Him...
But I think He affirms the promises I made. He is not disappointed. He understands how weak and frail I am, He says that He understands why I made them, and He doesn't suggest that they were foolish.
He credits them to me, He says that it is good that I strive to be more holy every day.
But I blamed you. I called you a liar. I threatened you with your own words.
I don't understand you well enough, my love is not patient at all, neither is it kind.
As I think about how it is between me and God, I understand you better now.
I just wished you would know this...
But I'm also afraid that I can only genuinely mean this when you do not know of it,
fearful that even now anything that could make you feel better would only be wielded as another tool in my hand.
