evolution

Waking up at night for a drink of water, I chanced upon a cockroach scurrying across the kitchen floor.

I attempted the skirt around that little fella and slip into the toilet.

However, this is where they do the very thing which makes them downright roaches.

It ran towards me.

A mix of emotions welled up within me.

Fear of course, just imagining the feelers hitting my toes sends chills up my spine.

But more than that, it was frustration. "how can you be so stupid as to run TOWARDS me?" 

But within the frustration, I saw some light.

The chances of a cockroach surviving can possibly be higher if it throws itself in a seeming kamikaze towards the human antagonist. 

You didn't exist so long for nothing. For that I respect you.

but... *squish*. Better luck next time. Your million year lesson ended in my moment of bravery.

Humans adapt too, you cocky scum. 

natural

yeah, yeah, because it's part of our nature right?

So we should just be natural right?

Look, what if our nature is shit?

extra inappropriate.

Thieving is of course, despicable.

This one feels worse.

I was making my way to the bus stop one sunday morning. As I walked, I noticed a freshly set-up wake at the void deck of my house. Someone's passed away recently, then again, many people are starting to pass away given our ageing population.
As I walked on, I saw these boxes of sauces. Soya sauce, oyster sauce... and realised that I was at the kitchen area of the wake. More than that, I can imagine they were expecting a large crowd given the sheer number of boxes there.

Just then, I saw this man inspecting the boxes... He picks a bottle up and looks at it intently and then.. he betrays himself. He looks around nervously before tucking it under his arm and walking to the lift.
Seen this man before. He's always giving that mentally ill smile.
As he walks pass me, he realizes that he was being watched. Defiantly, he raises his eyes to meet mine seemingly challenging me to take him down.

He passes and reaches the lift, he presses the button repeatedly.

Who in the world steals from the funeral? There are many reasons not to.
First, stealing is wrong. So it doesnt matter, a funeral or birthday party both have reasons for you not to.
Secondly, pity? Pity the people who lost a loved one and attempt to the best of your capacity to refrain from causing them more loss?
Thirdly, you can be superstitious and imagine what the spirit of the decease will do if it can do something. I'd make sure that guy never sleeps well again.


Stealing is wrong, and here, extra inappropriate. 


But most of all... me. The one who watched, who had the power, who did nothing but to cower.
That was really wrong of you and me. 

more

Had a little conversation with my mum today, the few rare moments we agree about something.

She was talking about apology, maybe she was hinting that I should apologize to her about something. Something, maybe, not sure, but definitely exist. I offend my mum in innumerable ways.

But anyway, she says that some people apologize by their actions but never get down to saying the words.
My senses tingled, I sensed an irony.

What's the Irony? I think, these moments are when it's the words, not the actions, which count.
Basically, my theory is that these guys, these non-vocal apologies stem from both a perception that it is somewhat embarrassing to do so and hence not above their pride.

see, apologizing with actions very insidiously sneaks it's way into forming an impression of nice guy.
Look, he's doing this and that, he's being understanding and that. You shouldn't think that way of him, etc.
Maybe it's not even much of an apology after all. Maybe it is.

But all in all, there's still a stubborn reluctance to spell out the apology. What's this? Abstract art? A game of charades?
The vocal apology therefore must be hindered by some form of pride...
Unless that person puts down that pride, the apology will always be lacking.

Because there is no pride to speak of when you've done someone wrong.


So here, I replied.
I guess in these cases the very thing we are unwilling to do is the very thing we must do.

Imperfect.

in the end, everyone's imperfect.
it's just how bold you want to live on

hang in there buddy. Things can get better.
hang in there buddy, things will then be better.

dysfunctional

but honestly, who knows? I may be dysfunctional after all.

Especially when these days i feel like a complete idiot
squandering my time away.
Like this ignorant foolish drunkard who wastes his time away.

I'm given much, and endowed with much.
I have time, and I can see that they're all possible.

What am I doing? Why am I so far from my calling?
Is there something
wrong with me?

technology

It was church anniversary as of 20mins ago.
Service was a little different today, with more songs and a speaker of the foreign (english) tongue.

There were the usual flashbacks you know, photos woven into a powerpoint presentation...
these photos sparked a train of thought in my mind.

I was thinking, you know, the cliche idea that technology has made the world fast paced and our memories... fleeting. The fast paced world has subjected us to torrents of events and our subsequent struggle to cope has seen us losing grip on our memories... So that, is the ill of technology.

On the other hand, these old photographs have a second shot at immortality (ever since their weak, physical self gave way to yellowing or succumbed to some form of misfortune or another) in their converted, digital selves. The proliferation of image capturing technology (as it tagged along the proliferation of handphones) has enabled fickle human beings to retain their hold on the memories...

somehow, in one perverse manner, our failing minds has made given recollection a new flavour.
There is so much more surprise or amazement these days. "did I actually do that?" is the new thought we entertain.
All in all it's hard to say... because God has graciously planted the deciding factor in us. Ultimately, our respective attitudes towards the value of remembrance will decide the impact technology has.
Which side are you on?
It matters because this is more than a matter of sides.

you... are but human

Richard Parker, Ben Parker... good guys who died doing what was right.
Good guys die doing what is right when other guys endowed from the job don't perform them.

I think that's the key lesson from the first half of "the amazing spider-man".

I gotta think about my lot.


Meanwhile, you've shown yourself to be but a human.
Close inspection reveals you to be very, very vulnerable. And fickle maybe.
This is going to be fun. At least I know now that I'm interacting with one.

There's no point getting angry

now that i already have

enslaved by the sunshine

The face which launched a thousand boats.

Your radiance which captured my heart. Why should such light become chains of darkness for me?

If we take a glance at the glorious sun
But our mortality forgotten
Fixated eyes will be the death of us.

Rather throw a glance or two
Spare your soul from overdo'
As much as she is beautiful
she is more than just for you.

Yet neither is this sun for me.

If life is a song

If I see life as a song,

I must be the singer of the song.

A singer, actively sight reading the very notes on God's manuscript.

The essence of life will be how well I am able to read those notes...

how well I can perceive the will of God.

While I'm a bad singer, I'm not fearful

for a good song remains a good song

My dream is to cease singing someday

And become the song itself...

The exact man I was written to be.

the lingering feeling

Sometimes, I want to just tell you...
How you've consistently trampled over my ideas
only to turn around and adopt them.

And you don't realize, it seems you don't care.
When you frown (as far as I can guess it out) and say it's okay...
The emotion unexplainable.

It's not okay. I know it isn't.
And I don't get why I'm dismissed- It's as though you don't trust me with the solution.
Then I wonder if it's all just because you're desperate and I'm convenient...
because the things you accuse me to be... you're becoming all of them.

I didn't walk out of that to get this.
Shall I say these to you.. or do I wait for the next gentle sunset..
To wait until something merry comes along.. to refill my hopes about you.

To promise me you can, if even you cannot...
To tell me I've done something in my time.

anger

Do you get angry at your friends? Honestly, I can't recall a time when I was angry with a friend for more than... an hour.
Or maybe I've so deviously relegated people who piss me off often into the group I call acquaintances.

Sigh, so what do you do when your friend gets mad at you? Sometimes I really don't think I'm in the wrong and the whole habit of appeasement seems to be getting on my nerves.
Why do I not reserve the right to flare up and throw threats? Is it because I'm aware of the consequences which can follow? That's not a very good reason either is it, since... It feels like I'm staving the harsh words for my own benefit... and not in their interest.

Sigh, what's this? Who bothers to think about these things? I don't know. But my walk in life tells me that thinking in this manner keeps me most human- other people don't need it, they feel compelling enough without it.
Or maybe they do think about it, but never thought aloud. It calls to mind something my friend once said.
She chided me for robbing the meaning in certain things when I went and spelled them out. Maybe I shouldn't think aloud so much... maybe the unease bottled thoughts bring are but a signal of the mark of approval.. that I'm fighting and resisting this wretched soul with its wicked intentions... that I am actually doing the right thing for once.

I don't know, I don't want to congratulate myself or anything.
Let me say this once and let me say this well:
let me say it once and say it well.

Don't waste it.

The tragic thing about this world is that we're so rarely right and yet when we are, we mess it up in a moment of over-passion...
Like this uncle in NTUC just now. There was a lady ahead in the queue and she was the usual time waster. First she was getting picky over some free gift.. and then later she was accusing the cashier for not returning her NETS card.
While everything happened, this guy in front of me made all sorts of expressions of annoyance. As the lady left, he let loose an outburst "tsk, what the hell!"
He went on ranting about how he saw her daughter keep the NETS card and that she should have apologized for accusing the cashier and holding everyone back.
Yeah sure, it all made sense. But he wasted it all with his outbursts of anger. It becomes apparent that this guy simply could not tolerate the lady's face or something, exposing himself when he added
"i cannot see the reason why her face was so long, it was so long you know?"

I know man, most of the time we're personally offended but we want to mask it with all sorts of righteous reasons.
It's also good to note that we're usually offended because we're prideful.

That fever

Just had the most fun OBS so far. It's quite reassuring because at least it shows that with good company, the thing can be both daunting and fun at the same time.
Also grateful about how I only completely collapsed after I reached home (the bus/mrt ride was perhaps more gruelling than the obs experience)..
But this fever is hitting my head hard. I feel like I'm in this semi sane mode. Like I'll be really prone to saying something I'll regret.