Do not I love thee, O my Lord?
Behold my heart and see:
And turn each cursed idol out,
That dares to rival thee.

Do not I love thee, O my soul?
Then let me nothing love;
Dead be my heart to every joy,
When Jesus cannot move.

Within the darkness of this heart
Other gods would vie for my affections
But Thou art exalted
Thou art exalted
Thou art exalted far above all gods!

Thou knowest I love thee, dearest Lord,
But O, I long to soar
Far from the sphere of mortal joys,
And learn to love thee more!

Give me the chance again, when the temptations come. 

To say no, no dear Lord, I love you more than these. 

You are greater and only you are able to satisfy. 

May you look upon me and marvel to Yourself

"is this not the faith I have wrought? So firm, robust, enduring?"

We are the work of your hands oh Lord, 

so work in us we pray. 

what I think about missing my philo paper

first and most importantly, I want to say
"Sorry Lord, it's just really telling about how I treat my studies. I am without excuse at all. Please forgive me."

Then there are the wise advices to S/U it or take MC. S/U is really muddy now. So many mixed opinions about it. Some say faculty modules cannot be S/U-ed, some say that only major mods cannot be S/U-ed. My take? This will be the most painless way to resolve this.

MC? Well MC is really something I won't do. I don't deny how tempting it was when someone suggested that I might not be able to S/U it after all. I was really tempted, in fact, desperately considering it.
But phew, am I glad God won out. For you dear Lord, for you I refuse.

Finally, I worry about people looking at my decision as though I were a martyr paying the price of righteousness. If any, I see it as I'm paying the price for my folly. There is nothing admirable or noble here. It's just me knowing not to compound my mistakes, to conceal a sin with another.

If I may, treat this as a post-script.
I express disappointment in all the Christians who asked me to take MC.

I mean, I think I need you guys to berate me for being forgetful and encourage me to be faithful.
Please honour God too, if this ever happens to you.

how things have changed

And everyone will tell me I made a foolish choice but I cannot care less.
God I want to care more about what you think... and it doesn't matter what I get in the end.

Sometimes you give me a good thing and you take it away. You show me undeniably how much more supremely good you are.
I can't see why I shall expect this to be an exception.

and as I move on I see that my heart needs to change. Shall I please you to get what I want? May that be far from me.

Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Oh that I will not seek your kingdom (which is great) for "these things" (which are not) and prove myself to be a false kingdom seeker. God I feel so helpless, will you help me please? These thoughts and inclinations are so quintessential me. How can I ever overcome them? It'll be the death of me. 

But the death of me is what You desire. In You, in my death, I will be perfected. 

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I choose to have life to the full. Will You incline my heart towards You? Will you align my fears according to the fear of You? 

But I know You will. I make my stand on Your faithfulness. 

just do

You know those days where you feel... strangely impatient.

A strange urge to block out God's soft whispers to wait?
A drive to drop the things you have to do and go out and grab what you want to take?

No, I refuse. I'll sit right here. I'll do what is clear that I should do.

And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved. (Acts 2:47)
What human factors did God ordain to bring about this amazing spread of the Christian faith? Stephen Neil (A History of Christian Missions) suggests six.

1. First and foremost was the burning convictionwhich possessed a great number of the early Christians.

2. The solid historical message which Christians brought was indeed good news, and a welcome alternative to the mystery religions of the day.

3. The new Christian communities commended themselves by the purity of their lives.

4. The Christian communities were marked bymutual loyalty and an overcoming of antagonisms between alienated classes.

5. The Christians were known for an elaborate development of charitable service, especially to those within the fellowship. Emperor Julian, writing in the early forth century, regretted the progress of Christianity because it pulled people away from the Roman gods. He said:
Atheism [i.e. Christian faith] has been specially advanced through the loving service rendered to strangers, and through their care for the burial of the dead. It is a scandal that there is not a single Jew who is a beggar, and that the godless Galileans care not only for their own poor but for ours as well; while those who belong to us look in vain for the help that we should render them.

6. The persecution of Christians and their readiness to suffer made a dramatic impact on unbelievers. Neil observes, “Under the Roman Empire Christians had no legal right to exist . . .  Every Christian knew that sooner or later he might have to testify to his faith at the cost of his life.

”Here we are at the end of the second millennium. May God raise up hundreds of thousands of super-ordinary Christians and Christian communities with this kind of passion.
[Solid joys 25 april 13]

Why do we often(always) get it wrong?

Maybe it's my fault. I should've waltzed out of the room the moment they began to talk about the suicide. You see, someone has a cousin... who so happens to stay next door to the victim (or culprit? Both).
And she was telling us the details and then the essential part about how everyone reacted to it.

And so she was going on and on and then she mentioned that her cousin is a christian and that it was helping him to cope with the trauma he got from witnessing first hand, the body.
It was at this point when my mouth opened. For better or for worst.
"Hey I heard that guy was from cf."

and that's when things turned hairy.

The girl responded with a remark, full or annoyance, about how the christians leapt on the incident and began discussing the salvation of the deceased. She commented then on how inappropriate it was to do that in front of her cousin who was still dealing with the trauma.

Something ticked me off and I knew why. That was my first response too.
I remembered vividly that I checked my phone as I stepped out of my room and tapped door knob with my card to lock it. It was at that moment when the thought struck me: is this survivable? Can he be saved? Did he make it?

I don't know, I dare not say. But for a stranger, that was the highest of my sympathy. I feared for his salvation, genuinely.

And so now there is this girl in the room, slamming the (possibly) genuine concern a bunch of socially awkward christians had. I don't want to judge, but I think it's unfair, in the way she puts it, to say that they were not concerned and took this as a purely academic interest.
As I voiced my objection, one guy picks up his bag and leaves.

I can't use words to describe it, he picks his bag up silently, without a word, he leaves. His face was enraged when he heard about the debate over heaven or hell, now his face was like cold steel. His departure was a slap in my face. From where I was, it said,
"To hell with what you have to say."
He leaves without saying goodbye.

And as I argued that we have no idea what really went through their minds, the room just went silent.
An ancient injury reopened in my heart. I could feel it. Nobody was listening. There I was pleading with them to reconsider but nobody had ears to hear.

As the girl offered a response, I just phased out. The air was so cold with the uncomfortable glances. The smile fades from my face and I look to the floor.
I revealed to them that I thought the same and from where I was standing, I felt sorry that such an important question (does suicide guarantee hell) only appears in my mind whenever such a tragedy happens. It was also the furthest my heart can go for someone I didn't know...

but it didn't matter. Their faces remain hard, disinterested. Whatever civility resided in them was holding back their anger. They weren't listening anymore.

And so even I, picked up my bag and leave. But I say my goodbye, and so did they.

God why?
Why did he die like that? What happened in the final moments?
God why?
Why did those christians shame you with their social ignorance?
God why?
Why are the hearts of my friends so hardened. Why have they justified in themselves their anger towards these christians?

Dear C I wanted to talk to you about this. It's not because you have an answer.
But maybe it's better this way. This is how my night started.

A proper reconciliation

Psalm 51:16-17(NIV)
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice,O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart

You, God, will not despise.

I was preparing for lesson one day and this struck me. I was wondering why the David was commenting on sacrifices, on which was the appropriate sacrifice to the Lord. 

Also, why was a broken and contrite heart a sacrifice? What does it achieve? 

Then I noticed that sacrifice is an act of reconciliation. It was always done to atone or in other words, seek forgiveness. If I were to see "sacrifice" as an act of reconciliation, then...

Then David was commenting on what act of reconciliation was acceptable before God. Was it just acts of reconciliation that God was after? God was not after outward acts of reconciliation. Now what are some examples?

I guess the making of terms and promises when "repenting" is one such "burnt offering". 

Or maybe someone may tithe more thinking that God will overlook their sins. 

Someone else may even think that by doing more good things God may excuse them from their bad things.

All such attempts are acts of reconciliation, are all activities and hence, sacrifices of "burnt offerings".

Instead, God is after the heart which desires reconciliation. A broken contrite heart, inward repentance. David here seems to understand that he was helpless in getting God's forgiveness. There was nothing he could do to get it. His part was to remain silent, was to soak in his crime before God in sleeping with Bathsheba and murdering Uriah. 

His part was but to realise how wrong he really was and become sorry for it. 

That heart, that broken contrite heart is the appropriate sacrifice. 

Since a sacrifice is offered for forgiveness, a broken, contrite heart is the requisite for forgiveness. 

Mind blown. I get it now. The sacrifice of the Lord is a broken contrite heart. 

Let me be careful dear Lord. Let me be careful to not brandish promises of good works as I seek your forgiveness. For burnt offerings you did not desire, but a heart that is truly repentant, a spirit broken by realisation of how my sin causes your displeasure. A spirit ashamed because it knows the love You have for me. 

And I will wait for brokenness. Let me not run for it. Let my conscience not be lifted before the depths of my heart is plumbed. 

Psalm 51:18-19 (NIV)
18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

And I will bring my burnt offering because You have forgiven me. 

Consequence or Correction?

Funny that I'm only talking about this now. Since 3 Sundays ago a questioned raised bugged my mind.

A concerned student raised the question:
"How do we know if we are being disciplined or just simply suffering the consequence of sin?"

Hairy, hairy question.
But if I may, I think the motivation behind the question is a response to people who say
"God is disciplining me" in a highly unapologetic manner, as though externalising their sinfulness from themselves, or wickedly pointing the spotlight to what seems to make a good christian (for God disciplines those He calls as His children) when it's just rotten rebellion and resultant curse.

So some people hug the discipline idea because they are infact really unrepentant and are incredibly eager to frame their suffering in a positive, self-absolving light.

I thought the answer was really clear though.
Let's start with unbelievers. When they suffer are they being disciplined? No, since God disciplines His children. I think it is clear the the unbeliever's suffering is just the bearing of wrath. There is no positive, silver-lining, hopeful concept of "for their good" here.

And the answer becomes clear.
What differentiates is the identity. The sonship. Sons are disciplined. Non-sons are vessels of wrath.
But I don't want to make this into a dichotomy, it is presently beyond me.

So, I stop at saying that both experience the consequence of sin, which God meticulously metes out on all transgressors. However, when a son experiences it, he is being disciplined. To what end? "share in His holiness" (Heb 12:10).
When non-son experiences it, it's wrath, pure wrath, justice.

Therefore, in the words of Thomas Watson
Answer: Though a child of God, after pardon, may incur his fatherly displeasure, yet his judicial wrath is removed. Though he may lay on the rod, yet he has taken away the curse. Correction may befall the saints, but not destruction. (Thomas Watson, Body of Divinity, p. 556)

Big difference? I think. What catches my eye is the word "curse". To suffer the consequence of sin as a chastening and not a curse/ condemnation makes the experience worlds apart. It looks like sin is being wrung of its corrupting power and sharpened into a precision instrument when it happens to sons. 

The curse is gone. This is a correction. 

How fear brings wisdom

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom." Psalms 111:10a

And this is wisdom: when by this fear is every other fear assessed. 

To fear you O God, to have my other fears put in place, I will have no lack. 

Fear the LORD, you his holy people, for those who fear him lack nothing.

Psalms 34:9

Why Evil?

Have I blogged about this? I'm a little lazy to check.

A dear friend, concerned about the world as ever, asked me to give her a skinny on why an all powerful God stands by and watches boston bombing happen.
I gave her a non-answer, one that took me by surprise and.. an reply I was proud of.

I said, hey, if you're about to say that God is responsible for letting the bomb happen, then let me urge you to reconsider what you are saying. For you to take the view that God is to be blamed, you need to first develop a system for consistent blaming. Blame God for everything. Blame Him for how wonderfully the world was made, blame Him for how fearfully you were made. Blame Him, as I took it down to a more intimate notch, for the fingers with which you type, for the friend who responds in enthusiasm to an assault against his faith. For the friend who you met by coincidence and became reasonably good friends. For your pretty face, for the frown now with which you express your disappointment. Blame it all on God.

Now do you know why your question is important? Now do you understand how heartbreaking and mind bending  "How does a God who is infinitely loving permit evil to happen?"
As I typed my heart was wrung. A protest was growing louder within me.
why
why
why
WHY

As I thought of God's tender loving design in the world, His faithfulness in my life, I shudder. I know for certain He loves me, and even the pain in my life reeks of His loving design.
But can I say the same for the non-elect? I'm tongue tied.

But I know one thing. When disasters happen they remind us of one thing.
We are reminded that we were never in control. Not a moment of our control was ever established by our hands. It has always been the grace of God that when I slept, I woke the same man, sane and conscious. That when I studied I scored. When I ate I was satisfied, when I threw a frisbee it flew right.

As it stands, we often lapse into thinking that we are in control. We lapse into thinking that we have ultimate control of our lives. No amount of doctrinal talk can cause me to surrender, I turn my gaze at my cavity of my chest and I see a heart so awfully calloused it needs a hammer and a chisel.
I need disasters. I need them to happen. Otherwise I'm a dead man, forever lost to the illusion of self efficacy. Forever estranged from God, dead, hopeless.

And I turn my gaze back into the world. The bombing flashes before me. My heart leaps and says "such a thing, so horrid is able to quicken me, I admit my helplessness, I surrender all." And my eyes sink in sober realization.
Part of this is for me. For the calloused heart in me. For the calloused heart in us. These things happen and will happen again or we will never realise just how frail we are. The hardness of our hearts seems to mandate the horrors...

I wince and I shut my eyes. I say a lowly prayer.
Help me to be quick to learn dear Lord.
Help me to be quick to learn.

When God gives you something good.

Dear Lord, do not let your gifts be an idol to me.
Keep my heart inclined to you.

Though the desire screams within me
and though I want it now, now, now
Let me treasure you
Even if I don't get it at the end of the day.

If I can

Brothers and sisters, one of the main reasons why so many professing Christians have little confidence with God and little boldness with men is that their lives are not devoted in love to the salvation of the lost and to the glory of God, but instead are devoted (often by sheer default) to providing earthly security and comfort for themselves and their families.

Oh God if only I can just say this to my students and if only they can hear and believe!
If only you can show us how idolatrous our foregrounding of secular security is... If you would remove the mask of sin that says it to be 'responsibility'.
No, if we do not put you first, I fear we have become most irresponsible with our loved ones.

set backs.

A season for victory.

a dash of complacency.

Oh God help me cling closely.
Let me know that your love is better than life.

There is a hope

There is a Hope
There is a hope that burns within my heart,
That gives me strength for every passing day;
A glimpse of glory now revealed in meagre part,
Yet drives all doubt away:
I stand in Christ, with sins forgiven;
And Christ in me, the hope of heaven!
My highest calling and my deepest joy,
To make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,
A consolation strong against despair,
That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,
I find the Saviour there!
Through present sufferings, future's fear,
He whispers 'courage' in my ear.
For I am safe in everlasting arms,
And they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time,
That lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave,
To see the matchless beauty of a day divine
When I behold His face!
When sufferings cease and sorrows die,
And every longing satisfied.
Then joy unspeakable will flood my soul,
For I am truly home

It is not too late

It is not sorrowful

For there is a hope that will carry me through until I am truly home. 

God help me live as one with hope

One who doesn't cling to superficial things

clawing away, unbelieving, disobedient. 

Who speaks like that these days?

1 samuel 17: 45 David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied."

Sometimes I wonder if I've gone worldly and disguised it as sophistication. Though it's getting better this year, I still jump every now and then when I hear what I regard to be 

"excessive reference to God". 

What's this? 

Well anything really

"God will lead."

"God will provide."

"God spoke to me."...

anything really. 

When I last had a conversation with beat, she pointed out that I'm a really excessively skeptical person. 

Like I'd doubt people's intentions and tend to judge their actions by that. 

And really, as the conversation continued, it turned ugly. Ugly and uncomfortable because it ventured into talking about me. About my constitution, about my nature. 

We explored the idea that I was perhaps projecting my own condition onto others.

Because I trust God little, I sometimes take it as people don't mean it, but rather just say it, when they say "surrender to God". 

Because I love so little, I sometimes take as people don't really care about what they are sharing, but are merely concerned with answering the question. 

Samuel 12-20 mirrored my condition. 

I see david as this trusting, simple person walking amongst hardened, unbelieving Israelites. 

and what a stark contrast. Sure, armies of the living God, deliver not by spear or javelin are all pretty cheesy sounding to me... but they're true, are they not?

Isn't it true that God leads? Or that He provides? Or that He speaks? 

Isn't it true that I'm the child of a living God? Who delivers, who saves, who loves? 

Who guides, who speaks, who provides? 

Isn't it also true that when I'm stuck in work, that I really ought to pray? 

Isn't it true that when I'm vexed that I ought to submit? 

Sigh. This heart is too conformed to the world. 

This life too lacking of testimony for any of such phrases to look coherent. 

47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”

Please dear Lord. You do not save by the sword or spear which may fail. 

You save thoroughly.

You can start with me. 

no taste

Oh God!

This work... is so bland, so directionless!
There is no captivation!
It's a frustration!

would You let me enjoy the work I have to do? Would You?

If You are my help

Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Last night a fellow (meaning a professor staying amongst the residents) was asking me how I was coping with school. 

As I looked back, I wondered if I was doing worse this semester. There was just so much action going on. I can't help but feel a tinge of dissatisfaction with some of the results (I'm looking at you, 3252 and 3257) but then other things occurred to me. 

I recall especially how after Open Day I skipped dinner and slept at 9. Waking up at 3, braving the hunger and weariness and finishing the last bits of the Sunday school lesson plan. 

I recall those days, where though I was incredibly insolent, You stayed by my side and watched over me. Where in desperation I cried "God help me!" and surely You came. 

I can never (aside from the concept of grace) understand why You would come. 

But now, I want to commit these things to memory. Help me live conscious of Your faithfulness. 

If You are my helper, 

make me Your worker.