here's farewell

havent been blogging for ages, but i have been doing crazy stuff.
friday- 3 important crazy things.
first is the kampong games during PE lesson, we just jumped the ropes for like dont know how many thousand times, each time laughing our asses off, real hard.
second was the changing of clothes during english class. heh.
i changed my PE attire into my uniform, how professional.
i didnt wear my pants over ok, i really got them changed, ask mence or jiawei, actually the whole class was looking, ask anyone.
lastly, i forgot to write my question number for my english paper 1.
im just going to get pwned.

saturday.
during some blow wind blow game, i jumped over a chair,
everyone commented that it looked damn action... i was trying to steal the seat from isaac, but
i ended up falling over really badly, at the same time, really not badly... -_-" wth kinda english was that?

today as i sit here and blog
the main idea is just
farewell to sanity. exams calls for retardedness
and i can't deny it of it.
man, i'll miss being sane for 2 weeks...
haha did someone just pass a comment, about me never being sane?
idiots.

frozen'

since mence was gay enough to blog abt something that scary on his blog
guess i could afford too, but mine aint nothing like scary.
its the frozen predicament.

its late at night. i know what's coming up.
i couldn't control myself, i napped in the afternoon.
i know i shouldn't be sleeping when im not tired
shouldn't be lying around wasting time.
but i've got enough, im stuck being lazy, and i only wish now
if i could drift into a dreamless sleep.

time ticked by, im occasionally comforted by the tossing and turning of my brother.
he couldn't sleep. heh, at least i've got company in this dark night.
looking at the corner of a kite, hidden behind my study desk.
gosh! was that a ghostly hood? or maybe that creaking noise...
maybe the noise's from a death grip which clung onto my bed?
maybe im next? maybe i erm... er...
calmness overwhelmed me.
my my eyelids gave way, they were meeting each other, finally.
but this feeling, is hurting me.
all is TOO serene, all is SILENT.
the moment my eyelids matched, my eyes burst open.
i could feel all my muscles tensing up, my sight was hazy.
UgH.! i tried to force the air stuck in my lungs out
a pointless attempt to resume time.
no. wait ouch no wait. is this the feeling of dying. am i... leaving the world, now?
not now... not now... i begged with him, not now, not now....
there wasn't a him, but i was still begging, i tried to move my limbs.
i could feel them, they were pinned to the bed.
frozen solid, frozen to bits. a mold of metal had encased me
i suffocated, i couldnt move, couldnt breathe.
let me out... i've got to live!
my words spilled out as perspiration, my mouth never moved the inch.
with sheer determination, i broke through my encasement.
i sat, muscles still tensed, on my bed.
my head was throbbing.
a stream of perspiration trickled down my face
welling up momentarily on my chin, and drops.
it was... a dream? was it real?
my shirt was soaked wet, my mind unrest.
i dont know i didn't know.
all i wanted was to rest my head.
but
it felt wrong, again.
it felt familiarly wrong, like how i just did before.
unseen hands stretched from my pillow, pulling slowly, yet surely.
they were sinking me into the torment again, this time, head first.
as the softness of the pillow splashed at my head.
i was chained up yet again, the tormenting chains burnt my skin
i was drowned again in the horror
my bones and organs crushed by the sheer pressure.
clutching my chest, i prepared an invest.
summoning everything left, i threw in all i had.
focusing my will like a sharpened spear
burst the bubble of fear, surfaced from the grimy lake
i was shaken, gasping for air and groping for my watch, i glanced at the time.
its merely 2 in the morning, the fight is over, my defense was guaranteed.
really truly in peace this time, i drifted off into heavenly sleep.

in pain

paul's right. in christian sense, and in practical sense.
eh no im not saying hat Christianity isnt practical...
its just that it really doesnt mean the same thing.

he mentioned that he wanted to do the right things, but his body always went otherwise.

yes, the same applies to all.
who escapes the paradox-y feeling?

sometimes i think i seriously hold onto wrong things.
I'm not a some retarded juggler now, am i?

get to uni- early

someone please, get me this unicycle cauz i cant afford it
please?
i went and got myself excited. see la. i could ride a unicycle to school
i could ride it too church
i could grind railings
just get me the unicycle!!! come on!

who's front is this?

let's turn the heat up.
and melt our frozen hearts.
the cold war has blown too long.

im sorry jacon for not turning up today.
i wasn't really busy, but i tell you, i had my reasons
maybe keith or fiona could tell you wat exactly.
i guess they should know why things are like this
or maybe they dont.
either way i told them, if you ever read my blog
this particular post...
i wish you knew anyway, but i just cant bring it across to you.

suffer

its because of ambitions and expectations that we suffer
its because of arrogance that we're shaken.

we forgot that we wouldn't be living without either.

its crazy its hectic.
oh my life please transform back
i cant live it well like this
this is so- wat the heck

life's weird. dont deny.

ok im so darn busy i shouldn't even be here
but yeah, for the sake of today's precious stories
i have to hang around to sing about.

woke up today, the best thing ever
i felt refreshed, i actually did feel refreshed.
its a feeling i lost touch with ages ago.
well i wasn't supposed to have a good sleep.
guess its to prep me for the mental stress which is stomping forward.
lets see.. i've got
4 math papers, 2 e, 2A.
i've got about 16 more differentiations to do. and they are
log cum trigo or ln cum trigo or e^x
its just gay, tell me otherwise, and i'll strangle you.

well, physics wasn't exactly happy today...
cauz we were voting for when the extra lesson was to be held
and i voted for saturday despite May's unceasing pleas.
she turned around and she looked really angry
she said "asshole" like she really meant it.

so i drifted off into another bout of emo and spacing out.
i was just thinking and thinking. dont worry, i can multi task
i somehow got the entire lesson into my head. im fine.
well anyway.
felt better after awhile.
i seriously hope that my letter writing will beat that amanda.
its simply insufferable to lose to her.
no no i must top chinese, physics and core geog.
damn it.

well ok i have 4 math papers, tuition hw, 2 math hw(vectors sucks)
and 2 other church stuff
im really feeling like constrained now
and i feel like there's just isnt any time?
should i cancel tuition tomorrow? should i?

climbing the walls for you

no i cannot let you go
you're a part of me now
caught by the taste of your lips
and im climbing these walls cause
i miss
you.

if i lose it all
i would take the fall

its so wonderful

but if i lose it all.
it really doesn't matter

this could last forever.

if only if you could stay with me now.
what keeps us from each other now?

just take it all, but dont take it forever.

i dont want to know
the reason why
i cant stay forever for this.

its an illusion, its an illusion.
nothing is real if they're away.
how can i feel anyway like this?

im climbing the walls, cauz i miss
you.

i swear they're retarded

hey seriously.
if you read my blog then read it like a man.
dont read it thirsting for juicy gossips
heart broken at its absence
and twist and warp to fulfill your stomach.
i've got enough
and you idiots made her worry as well.
aren't you buggers ashamed of yourselves?
NO? right.

stop stabbing my back and re-drawing me
i dont want any alterations to my blueprint.

like who likes to lie?

i dont know.

i dont know how exactly you feel
and im not even sure why i did as i choose

was reading fu xing's lets pray.
and well. life never ceases to be an irony.
i dont know how many people had been guessing my motives behind my back
had been ruthlessly slandering flapping their tongues
but
WHATEVER, why dont you sissies just come and ask.
dont be gay and assume in a gay fashion alright?
like who granted you the right to make facts.
facts are there since creation.

pragmatism.

pragmatism. you know what that is?
it wasn't advisory but i did it again.

now what happens?

loner? i kinda love it.

a little company will be fine, but being alone is just as fun.
thinking about the increased frequency of me walking around my neighbourhood
in my hoody, squinting my eyes for the tiny stars in the sky.
having soundless sighs or comforting laughter
a random glimpse of smile emerged from my mind.
everything is inside, only the walk is partial physical.
im alone, and i guess im with God. i really cant say if im sure.

im too used to being alone. im happy when my friends are around
but guess their departure won't be too tough.
guess i'll rush some homework now, and go emo later.
its just so fun, its like life 8years ago.
it WAS utopia, took me so long to realise.
its just 8 years ago when i told my dad i'll be a happier person if i dont have to study
-a few months ago when i was unreasonably justifying not doing homework.
now?
i wonder...

sharing?

as i woke up from a much unneeded sleep.
my limbs were weak and my brain feels light.
its like I'm still sleeping inside.

well. anyway. i know and im well aware that im in charge for sharing later.
and at this moment i'd like to thank my sister for the unnecessary reminder.
at least she bothered to remember
as im blogging away here, feeling very retarded, my choir leader is piling
the nearby msn window, which is about. 19" away from the top of the monitor.
(since my monitor is 19")

well, since im feeling so retarded, i'll just type unnecessarily on the week's events.
monday was just slacking day. actually i went home to combat the ton of tuition hw.
and to think i forgot totally abt school homework.
tuesday was just as retarded, where tuition is, retarded-ness is ALSO.
wednesday was just wasted away, battling those tuition homework set without
the thought of time limits in mind.
i didnt have to do this if i didnt care...
thursday was, well, rather similar to tuesday. i mean.. its a tuition day!
went holland V to try to get something, but i just couldn't get anything.
friday. m... can you just scroll down a little?

today? i dont know what the future holds, but i basically squandered off the morning as an act of my liberation from tuition hw for well, just a week.

birthdays?

what is a birthday and where is the need to celebrate one?
what's the significance of every single present
and what makes their presence so important?

thoughts just kept flying by my mind as i sat outside my classroom
the time was : 8, 8pm you fatty.
and why was i doing that? i wanted to make sure that a card was delivered
regardless of my superb cowardice.
from a distance there was a chorus of happy birthday, sang by the entire RCY.
i cant stop the feeling of self pity surging from inside.
its been there all along, and birthday parties only made it worse.
in the end my mission was done, but my soul was in pieces
my heart was broken, my footsteps were grumpy.
why? be honest, be sincere.
give and dont take- there's still no regrets. right?
what's up??
i dont know i didn't know.
all i did was. sit at the school courtyard.
the raindrops were falling randomly and slowly.
God cried tonight for me.

everything started as a coincidence, everything ends with one too.
how much of a plan is a coincidence?
timings had to be bad. and guts had to be low.
i had to make sure of my intentions.
this little relationship's something i dont wanna blow.

fishes?

everytime a guy was mentioned on a blog.
my heart whispers. hope that's me.
a picture of myself flashed in my mind.
- was where i was at my pinnacle.
i quickly cross referenced to that honest mirror.
the mirror was heartless. it just wouldnt lie
i wasn't me, i was worse - to my horror.
and i'll drop the idea. right here and right now.

everything ended 1year 9months ago.
impressive? i remembered.

maybe things have been too fast and furious.
i cant feel when i used to be serious.
every thing's been a come-and-go.
all im left now... is a hole.

people claim that emo is about cutting.
i beg to differ cauz i haven't cut.
its insane how you think emo isn't cutting.
its my christian faith i'm saved and safe in his arms.

its definitely greater than sanity,
achieved by an act we call insanity.
dying on the cross, my faith is found.
i cant deny a love so profound.

its easter sunday.
i thank you Lord for you made me something.
from ashes to a living scum
from a scum to your exquisite tool.
a tool whom you love as your own son.
surely your blood paid for SOMETHING
and this feeling makes me weigh a ton.

i'm so worthy and im so worth it.
it doesnt matter how I'm branded.
it doesn't matter if i am wanted.
but i'll sing this song again.
when it truly stems from my heart.

sep

yeah i would...

there was something you had to know.
but you wouldn't hear of it.

on this easter sunday morning.
its God's day.
i better not try to be in the limelight.
bye.

199-200

oh dont worry, those numbers aren't related to the library.
its the blog post count. finally reached 200.
well, im feeling a little imbalanced now, somewhat gay.
i just spent 2 hours doing an incredible load of tuition hw.
screw, i think i got overconfident again.
dang.
well, going to tuition later, and this calls for another wave of gayness.
honestly i hate tuition, i hate sunset way
i hate everything there, i dont hate my teacher but she's
DAMN-STRESS.
OMG OMG.

friday

this Friday didn't want to be dark.
it wanted to follow 2006's footsteps.

the rest of the Good Fridays were rainy Fridays
what happened to the dark clouds and rain?
i don't know.
it feels queer, i rather have the sickening rain.
i mean. wasn't it dark when Jesus laid down his life?

the sky and sea dont match my heart

today was just -disaster

ill remember this clearly mence, friends or game.
you said game
and i agreed, but i act smart and i went to incorporate both.
im such a distasteful scum.
the captain's decision was crap.
and the team lost.

he knows its his fault.
but apparently you all dont understand
how scary such a role is
damn it, i dont see why we didnt get first
i dont want to think that its because
referees suck, or that others were violent.
reflect this matter on ourselves.
did we care about winning, or did we just want to play
did we want to win, or just want to be in the team!!
DAMN IT! i know you all came for the training yesterday.
BUT FREAK know that if you still arent that good
dont try to squeeze yourselves in.

whereas for me, that lousy captain.
screw la.
i should have enforced my views.
i shouldnt have cared.
as a leader, im suppose to obtain victory.
OH THIS JUST SUCKS.

it ends, Frisbee, the only sport i ever played seriously.
i dont know why it doesnt pay off
and i dont really need to know who's at fault
and no one needs to change anywhere.

as i walked on the beach ALONE.
i saw that

the sky was blue, the grass were green
the sea, crystal clear.
how i felt, the storm inside.

things.

well, this week has been hectic, thats why i didnt blog anything much.
there was tuition, song anthems.
people emo, geog competition.
reign of homework, bring hell on earth.
sharing talking, simple- enjoying.

well, tests were pretty screwed up, chem test for once, i didnt get an A.
GEOG competition.
to hell with it, we got eliminated at the preliminaries.
honestly, tell me.
is that because we are not good enough, or i a not good enough, or
THEY are not good enough?
honestly i tried my best, and i believe i could score something high.
i thought we could get in, challenge the RI - the defending champion.
nope i was wrong.
we couldnt, we were nothing, we were but dust which got swept out of the door
grains thrown into the flame
an extermination for the greater good.

for the greater good demands.
the worthless lay down their lives
like their outer coats, humbly to slaughter
the greater good threads on the worthless rags
though worthless, they built the way.

give too little

take in too much
contributed so little
stop or die,
contribute or
get out of my sight.

oh im talking about me.
for the very same reason i think i'll stop taking.
maybe i've contributed a terribly misery portion.
i dont know, but when something fails
dont worry, dont be scared, its my fault.
just pack your bags and walk.
away

light is perception

when i see my friends, all doing so well
going for international stuff
have their hand in music,
have beautifully crafted vocal chords.
blissful love "utter-special" attention
light hearted msn nicks.
studying is like no-kick.

it gives me a reason to dwell deep in self pity, right?
i mean everyone is made special, unique
but like how light drowns light,
how unique you are can be made bland by other's
its no longer you, its about the rest
its about how much you can shine
your performance in meager class tests.

i look at how gina looks so happy
or how torsten gets into the
global youth blah blah conference thing
i pain when i see a guitar strummed.
or music which by a piano, is a beautifully written

i get contented at playing badminton
comforted by the fact i could beat them - no sweat
but wheres the point, my skills aren't even trainee
their just like a beng class hopeless player.
there is nothing much to be proud off in succeeding the odd
who cares about that graceful Frisbee,
that exciting badminton.
who cares about gaming on the computer
and coming up with weird logics?

there is no point really
and i hate self pity
but i wont deny that it had drowned me.

shouldnt be here

i like to utter this to myself sometime
i shouldn't be here...
as in, people are just making life difficult for me
and i cant help feeling totally lousy.
sometimes as i think back,
i wonder why my head's so high
I'm throughly convinced of the genius inside.
but thats it, I've got more than enough
adults
slandering me about things i didn't do
pushing their weight around.
being an adult excuses you from apologizing.
being a teen made me wrong in everything.
betraying my trust freely
did i become some kinda cheap topic of a conversation?

i mean teachers, freaking behave yourselves.
you'll pay if you played the fool
against my tune.

not professional, mouth uncontrollable
just what kinda crap are you?!

i haven't typed this for long.
but the teachers are just to liberal
if they feel like commenting, they'd just go ahead
man... look at how they pain Fairfield's already stricken name.
not bad, well done. and tell the public its the students.
Great job, keep it up, a few more inches for a perfect grave.

fickle - fickle

oh you wont believe it, i went all the way to bukit gombak
just to make sure that isaac would have fun.
oh watever, i had fun myself!

haha badminton as usual, was adrenaline
was exciting, challenging and everything.
ok now for the homework,
and school tomorrow should just go die.
haha bye

lethargy

overwhelmed by lethargy, i left isaac to venture badminton for himself
oh im such a bummer
its his first time with the folks, i should be there.

blame that ulcer for me then..

screw la.
ok watever.