Slothfulness?

Just want to dwell on this for awhile before I get on with my day.

I've been waking up at 10am or so every day recently. While it is true that I've also being going to bed late, at 1am or so, there is this incredible lethargy that has taken hold of me lately.

At least, I know that my plan to come up with Social Studies resources has faced significant setback. I barely achieved anything all week.

I cannot tell if it's related to my sickness, I'm certain that it plays a part, be it large or small.

But if anything, it is this that I am sick with. When I pause to reflect on myself I feel myself coming face to face with this gargantuan apathy. I feel like there's just nothing I really care about anymore.

I hit the books, searching for answers. Things jump at me, and they fade away as my fingers switch tabs back to youtube, or whatever other website with news, with technology, with reviews.

I think it was until I revisited this line from an Anime I used to watch.
"There is no shortcut to anything."

And I think I kind of get it. Maybe I've really been sitting around and waiting for that thing that will stir me into action.
But I'm mistaken. What I really need now is the grit my teeth and follow through.

I got to get my ass to school.

It is Well

I think I haven't been doing that great.

Sometimes I feel like even after the whole tragedy in August I'm still barely awake, still stuck in some sort of childish disposition.

 Still unsure if what I have is love, selfishness or idolatry.

Still stumbling over the same sins, at the same times for the same reasons.

It's very frustrating to think about it because I feel further away from my goals.
And at that moment I feel further still, because I know now that my priorities in life are wrong and they are leading me down dangerous paths.

The goals.

Something fundamental has to change about me. In my desperation I prayed to God to afflict me, for I did not turn towards Him when His face was shining on me.

Wound me so that I'll return 

I don't want to be like a fool who is stumbling towards slaughter.

Am I ashamed?

The canteen conversation diverted towards me all of a sudden. They were curious to know if I were attached. As the conversation went on it became apparent to one of the teachers that I am a Christian, mainly because of some "odd relationship rules" that only Christians would entertain. 

"Which fucking church are you from?"

The conversation then shifted away from me, as quickly as it had shifted towards me. Soon we found ourselves discussing organised religion. 

Now, pardon the vulgarities, but there aren't many teachers quite as human, as caring and compassionate as this colleague of mine. As a teacher, he is a deviant ideal, not remotely a poster boy of MOE, but nothing a discerning principal would fault. I have immense respect for this guy. 

And perhaps that was why I couldn't stand up to him. He makes the least sense when he discusses religion. He'd reach a certain level but lack the criticality to go beyond the common tropes that people would always take out and slam. But as the words rolled off his tongue, I couldn't find any confidence in myself to speak. 

Was it the intimidation? Was it the respect? Was it the fear of being ridiculed, of being classified as "yet another specimen of the fools in religion" that held me back? 

Or perhaps I agreed with him tacitly. 

Perhaps I do agree that I find it hard to understand why so many good and kind persons in this world are somehow on a march towards hell. Yes, the entrance into heaven has always been an unsettled area. 

Perhaps I was reeling from the guilt, from the realisation that I do not care about the people around me with that sort of passion that he has. I do not actually care that they are going to hell, I do not meditate on the tragedy until my heart breaks. 

But clearly he does. When he mentioned that his wife is a Buddhist, the wife with whom he is still so madly in love with, he can feel the immense loss and sense of injustice if someone as wonderful as she is, by human standards, was to be denied from the gates of heaven while some slimy Christian (who could be me) would make it. 

My character, my experience, my emotional investment barely matched his. Where was my place to speak? I cannot tell if I were guilty as charged or simply ashamed of the gospel. 

If anything, I think I have failed 1 Peter 3:15, being caught unprepared to give an account of the hope that is in me for the things that I have been entrusted through the teachings of the church. 

To be honest, I feel intimidated, lost. How do I face these giants? What defense shall I give? What helpful word can I say?