don't stay in home in vain

when I was walking to the toilet I saw the sink full of dishes from the morning.
Dishes which my mum left behind in a hurry as she rushed out of house this morning.

I felt the impulse to wash them... and so I did.
I think I've been telling people that my mission to live with my mum has more or less completed... I think I thought wrong.

There's still so much I didn't do, in a way you can say I made life easy for myself.
There's much more diligence for me to have...
Time for school and time for church. Time for friends and time for chores. Time for hobbies, time for thinking.

There are so many things I want to do. Dear God, help me to live my life diligently.

time to shake it all up

The timing made a difference

Getting a sore throat before or after arriving at Cambodia makes a difference.

The way I see it now, getting it before is far better.
For one, it means that you'll be on the route to recovery and that is very encouraging. Rather than seeing yourself gradually fall sick, you see yourself gradually recovering. That is better.

On a related note, it is also better because you find your heart in a posture of reliance and gratefulness. If you were to contract it during the trip itself you may instead experience bitterness with questions of "why now?" coming right in.

And so I thank You Lord, although I was previously bewildered. I thank You for the impeccable timing and what it has done for my heart on this trip.

what it means to be right in the heart.

We were asked to pray for the right hearts as we prepare and eventually embark on the commando mission.

We were then split into groups to pray. Not knowing how to start, I blurted the question:
What does it mean to be right in the heart?
What is a heart that is right before God? One which wants to see all the commandos fall on their knees and confess Christ is Lord?

At this moment someone suggested that a heart that is right is one that loves the commandos, that intends to bring the message of Christmas to them. But really, what does a heart which loves the commandos look?

I suppose someone who remotely loves them would at least pray for them, would ask Kenneth if they can pray in anyway for them or any particular individuals.
Certainly the task is hard, performing for them. I can already see that at this rate I'm likely to just perform to my best and then hope to close it like a chapter in a book, concluded. Closed, never to be explored again. I feel my sinful heart desiring that, desiring the easy way out.

To be of the right heart is to ask for a lot. Is to ask not only that we practice and perform our best but also that we are willing to let this mission extend beyond the performance itself.
At this juncture it becomes clear that "praying for a right heart" is not something you can or should quickly say yes to. Do we know what we're signing up for?

That said, I choose to obey. After all, if we're talking about the spirit of Christmas, we're talking about God who came to earth (we're talking about Christians who go to the commando camp), we're talking about God who died for man (we're talking about Christians who would put up a performance and share the gospel), we're talking about the God who abides with man forever (we're talking about Christians who never quit praying for commandos who are not saved), then certainly we cannot stop at the performance.

the adversary gives glory

Studying for philosophy of religion paper on Friday.

As much as I dislike Hume, I think that his diligent refutation of many arguments for the existence of God actually gives glory to God.

In showing that the arguments cannot prove the existence of God, Hume cleared the stage for the necessity of Jesus, the revelation of God, a solid proof to which even empiricists must bow.
It'll take nothing short of divine revelation to prove His own existence.

thought of the night

You either repent or intend to sin more.

holy spirit

John 16:7

7 Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you.

Seeing this verse was really quite the shocker. I have read it before and have a deep impression of it. However, I never quite realised what it meant. 

Here Jesus was saying that he had to leave because something better than his physical company was going to come. He indicated that this was going to be the Holy Spirit. 

The illustration an author used was excellent. He invited his readers to think about how they'd react if they found out that Jesus himself was going to be the pastor in charge of their church. 

Then he says, imagine that, but something greater is already amongst us. The holy spirit is in each and everyone of us and that, in Jesus' own words, is the better thing than his direct physical company. 

I think that means 2 things for me. 

First it means I ought to rejoice. I ought to be happy as I would be if Jesus was right beside me. 

Second, it means I ought to dream bigger. Oh, how Christ would have inspired us to live radically for God's will. How we would have surrendered our lives to his service. How much more now will we trust in the Spirit for guidance and for provision.

don't you see?

A prospective group leader asked me this morning what my advice would be if his social life centres around Saturday night.

I said, well, it's simple isn't it? You either serve and give up on your social life (of course you can work hard to achieve all sorts of good compromises as I did), or you can give up on the opportunity to be a group leader.

It's obvious that it is one or another, neither will happen without a sacrifice.

But wanting to encourage him, I went on, and as I typed, I discovered a glorious truth I had previously overlooked.

I said, look, some of the apostles, like James and Peter, spent a lot of their time in Jerusalem, amongst brothers. Then we have Paul who was sent to the gentiles. I think God can call us to serve in church or use us as a light to the unbelievers. Either way, bottomline is that we are to serve Him regardless of where.

and here's the realization:
It's not a question about "to serve or not to serve", it is about "where to serve" that is the question.

I really wanted him to know that all the saints will rejoice with him if he serves God as he hangs out with his friends.

But if he serves.

Isn't it glorious? That whether we serve in church or not, that we should all serve the Lord?
I hope God impresses upon his soul the imperative of service and then also the direction He calls him to.

Frisbee

I'm taking some kids and volunteers for a session of frisbee on Sunday.
There's no free lunch in this world, not even for kids. The game is meant to be a springboard to some sort of character education.

What is there to learn from frisbee? It doesn't seem immediately obvious, but I learnt some.

First, teamwork. Don't roll your eyes yet. We roll our eyes because not every sport actually teaches teamwork. It's possible to excel alone in some sports, yes, even team sports. Frisbee is quite different though, like every sport in which no dribbling is allowed (e.g. Captain's ball), teamwork is a lot more important since you will not be able to progress across the court without passing.

Frisbee is on another level. Not only do you rely heavily on the team to attack, you rely heavily on the team to defend. This is accentuated by the mix of long and short distance plays. Because you never know if the play is going to be one of tightly coordinated short passes or just one long brazen pass, you depend on your teammates to really man-mark the hell out of the person they're tagged to.

Summarize: you can be really good at throwing or catching, but you're not going to score anything on your own.
You may be really fast at running and good with predictions but there's no way you can defend the entire court.

And this is precisely my experience with frisbee and my frustration at tournaments. It doesn't matter how well you can fetch if no one in your team can make the throw. In these circumstances, you need to reassess the capabilities of the team and position yourself to take advantages of their strengths.
That's the teamwork in the game. You just can't win it by yourself, I've been there and seen it replay over and over. Sometimes the team just falls back too hard on the "pro" and then they get disappointed.
The fact is, you need at least 2 pros to make a difference.

That's the first lesson I learnt.

Tucked away in "Teamwork" is perhaps "cooperation". This is another big thing I learnt from frisbee. I've mentioned it briefly, it's about adjusting your expectations on the fly and learning how to live with your team. The "blame game" often slips into games because people have inaccurate expectations of one another. I can blame my team for dropping the discs or I can run a little harder and encourage them more often to go for the safe passes. That's one thing I learnt as team captain, transiting from the first Inter-neighbourhood-games to the second.

I remembered blaming and shouting at my team in the first year. It's just not worth it to strain relationships over a game and it also does little to improve the game.
I switched tactics in the second year. I'm not sure why, maybe it's because I was ashamed of the way I behaved in the first year or maybe it's because I've grown attached to these people and so I feel reluctant to scold them (or I don't even have the desire to). But it was so much better, as the game progressed I found myself thinking in the broader picture, of how I may fit into the team rather than how my team may fit me.
Afterall, being more experienced means that adapting to playstyles was a much easier task for me. I found myself giving in my best, I found that they were more receptive to any calls I made, I found us enjoying ourselves a lot more. The first year was like everyone just ran off when the game was over.
Which was sad.

Finally, frisbee is about discipline. While it may seem a breeze for a seasoned player to make a throw, the discipline behind every throw goes right down to the minute details of your arm speed, wrist flick and finger release. The longer the throw the more disciplined you'll have to be with every sub-step of the throw.
Then there's also discipline in remaining sober, conscious and present. You need to keep your eyes open to every one of your players, you need to watch from the corner of your eyes. You need to consider the opponents' reactions and consider how to manipulate them with fakes. You need to think about the tendencies of your teammates, their flaws, how their discs tend to curve etc.
As you tire, it really takes willpower to keep your brain switched on a working. As you tire it really takes the flexing of your neurons to be disciplined with the stroke of your arm as you make that long throw.
As you dive and the pain of the impact hits you, it really takes discipline to brave it and keep your eyes on the disc.
As you contest for a disc with a high jump and someone else knocks into you mid-jump, it really takes discipline to swallow your fear, grab that disc and worry about falling later.

Of course the kids won't understand any of this. But this is what the sport has taught me.

Thoughts in the toilet

When I called
You found there was hope afterall
When I died I gave you life
When I bled myself dry
My Father was pleased to see me die
So you could live a life worth living

He would be
just to justify.

Obviously need some lessons on how to order the lines according to metre, as one writes poems, but this will do for now.

And so I have this friend who writes some of the more profound songs I've sung thus far. I don't always agree with him on his choices of lyrics, but there are always parts I find myself agreeing, wishing I thought of putting things that way before he did.

People talk about him as a person lacking emotions. I too puzzle when I read his songs because they feel so much more emotionally rich than the average person. I've learnt, over the years in my life, to differentiate being emotional and being emotionally awake.
I've come to see being emotional as a form of slumber, as drunkenness.

The thought tells me that misunderstanding happens really often.
That we tend to think that the emotions we feel are more comprehensive, more full and real than that of others. Nobody seems to us to think as deep as we do.

Between the dismissals of others and my dismissal of their dismissals as dismissals, I find a problem.
It seems to me that I will never really understand, never truly comprehend.
I can't ever be perfectly compassionate.
But then it seems clear to me that even something obscenely short of perfection can be of great help to a person- a really fortunate state of affairs.
And so we move on, cognizant of our mediocrity but not discouraged.

What's this feeling I'm getting now? Ah I know, "Brokenness".
Broken because we're broken, so short of perfection.
Broken by the thought of such grace that our feeble efforts should accomplish any work.

these frustrations stem from aversion from greater perversion

The stressful looming shadow

Stress is stressful. These days I feel myself worrying whenever my stomach shows any signs of indigestion or hyperacidity.

I worry when I break into unknown fevers (like the one last night), when I feel dizzy from climbing the steps in school.

It seems like I've become more fearful about health issues ever since I had the stomach problem a while back in august.
How can I not? The doctor diagnosed it as being stress induced.
Stress, as I know it, has never quite ceased to be part and parcel of my life these years.

However, surely there is a difference between being busy and being stressed?
Do I enjoy the things I'm doing? Do they bring satisfaction?
Am I excited or am I fearful?

I think that I get stressed when I don't do my work, when it starts piling up.
When I spend my time doing trivial things and when I want to focus on the serious stuff I feel like... I have no right to be.
I feel like such a pretender, and then I don't want to be a pretender
and then I realise that I'd have to say goodbye to the trivial distractions before I'll ever feel genuine
and then.. that just feels so difficult.

Am I expecting too big of a change in too short a time frame?
What does God expect of me? I think He expects me to get down to my knees and pray whenever I feel overwhelmed.
I think He means for me to take these moments of helplessness seriously.

Oh when my hands are full and my health betrays me
When my mind is troubled and it cannot pierce the fog around me
Teach me to turn my eyes onto You, these things are frankly beyond me.

A lesson from the keyboard

It's wonderful how much meaning the bible gives to these simple, mundane words. These are subtle reminders to resist transgressing against my God when I use the computer.

Beginning from the left:

1. Function. Hang on, what's your function? What does God say about your purpose in life? Are you living it? Is what you're about to do compromising and sabotaging you from living it? You are not made for this. 
2. Control. Self-control. God does not subject us to temptation any more than we can bear. There is a point in exercising self-control because you can succeed. You will triumph over any temptation placed in your way. 
3. Alternate Option. No, this is not inevitable, even now you have a choice and you can make it. No, you are not that free, there is much work to do, much more that you ought to do. Is there really no better way to spend your life? Do your urges really rob you of doing otherwise? 
4. Command. Whose command are you under? This is His command, that you flee, that you honour and glorify Him in everything. Does this glorify Him? Does this please Him? Is this according to His command? 

Totalitarian or individualist

Christianity thinks of human individuals to as mere members of a group or items in a list, but as organs in a body- different from one another and each contributing what no other could. When you find yourself wanting to turn your children, or pupils, or even your neighbours, into people exactly like your self, remember that God probably never meant them to be that. You and they are different organs, intended to do different things.
On the other hand, when you are tempted not to bother about someone else's troubles because they are "no business of yours," remember that though he is different from you he is part of the same organism as you. If you forget that he belong to the same organism as yourself you will become an Individualist. If you forget that he is a different organ from you, if you want to suppress differences and make people all alike, you will become a totalitarian. But a Christian must not be either a totalitarian or an individualist.
I feel a strong desire to tell you- and I expect you feel a strong desire to tell me- which of these two errors is the worse. That is the devil getting at us. He always sends errors into the world in pairs- pairs of opposites. And he always encourages us to spend a lot of time thinking which is the worse. You see why, of course? He relies on your extra dislike of the one error to draw you gradually into the opposite one. But do not let us be fooled. We have to keep our eyes on the goal and go straight thought between both errors. We have no other concern than that with either of them.

C. S. Lewis, "Two Notes" in Mere Christianity

upon reading these paragraphs during a sunday school lesson, a student found it appropriate to conclude that it is all about moderation. Be an extremist and you find yourself becoming either a totalitarian or an individualist.

Now the word moderation has always ruffled my feathers.
The middle ground, the "balanced" quite often seems to be some watered down, half-hearted, compromising thing. Furthermore, moderation gives us no guide at all. What is moderation? It seems to be something defined on the fly, a simple way of saying "what you are doing now feels extreme to me".

Anyway, Christian unity can be seen in two ways. First, I'm sure we know of unity in uniformity, that is, people are united because of some commonality, they are united because they are similar. Is this not the case in Christianity? It is, one Lord, one faith, one baptism. One Spirit which dwells in all, two gifts (or maybe more), of love and priesthood, which all have. One mission, to witness for Christ and preach the gospel. One duty, to take up the cross. On paper, we ought of have all of these. It's the mark of a Christian and so it is unsurprising to see if all Christians approximate to this over the course of their lives.

Then there is the sort of complementary unity and this is where the analogy of the body comes in. Each part of proficient in a particular scope of work but hopelessly deficient in the others. Their deficients coincides with the proficiency of other parts and so they form this tight network of interdependence which when complete, forms an exceedingly efficient system.

So, should a christian be a totalitarian or an individualist? I think that's the wrong question to ask. Instead, if we ask "in which areas should a christian be a totalitarian and in which areas an individualist?" we see that perhaps a christian ought to be, in a sense, both totalitarian and individualistic.

So we can be totalitarian (attempting to make other people like us) in some ways, for instance, insisting that all our brothers confess that Christ is Lord.
On the other hand, we can be individualistic, making no attempt to insist that all Christians should be speaking in tongues, be prophets, be teachers etc.

To say that we should be neither totalitarian or individualistic will, in this light, be very misleading indeed.

knowing and believing

When asked which is "more", my slant is belief.
I'd say that you don't really know something unless you believe in it.

My favourite thought experiment is one which will be close to many of our hearts. As Singaporeans many of us have the fortune (to some the misfortune) of experiencing kayaking, be it in the enclosed Kallang River or the open (then again not so open) sea.

It is because of kayaking that I first gave careful thought to the concept of faith. You know how people talk about faith as putting our weight on a chair simply because people tell us to do so or because we've seen others done so and it worked out for them? That example lacks the oomph- none of us have felt particularly apprehensive about sitting on any chairs around us.

But kayaking is different. Now we all know that the waters around Singapore are really safe. It's nothing like Australian waters with the danger of sharks or even saltwater crocs. Furthermore the water is so bad we'd scarcely find a fish.

And so in a sense we do know the water is safe, we know that nothing's going to bite off our limbs when we fall into it. What explains the panic (for some) and discomfort (for perhaps the rest) when we do fall into it?

When we look at the water we think... hmm... well it's really murky isn't it? In the sense that I can't be sure I can even see my legs, much less what lurks at the depths beyond them?
When safe in the kayak we're so quick to tell our capsized friends that they're perhaps too panicky, too hasty to get out of the water.

I think our panic and discomfort is actually an indicator of our faithlessness. We know that nothing's going to harm us but we don't quite believe it. It's so helpless isn't it, the idea of faith? It seems like nothing can assuade us to calm the heck down, no prior known facts sufficient to put the racing heart in its proper place.

I'm thinking if I've ever met a person who fell into the water but remained absolutely carefree, who, when asked, will simply reply that the water is safe? That'd be an instance of what they call child-like faith. One who perceives the authority behind the factual statement "there are no sharks in Singaporean waters" and believes in it.

The rest of us find ourselves on the continuum of skepticism.

there are persons, and then there are events.

Was having an extended conversation with Celine today and I was remarking that sometimes I entertain this heartbreaking thought that some people don't really think I'm human, don't think I'm a real person.

Perhaps this is what is also afflicting Joel. I guess it happens to people who are publicly seen as "mean". You know how when someone is put down by a nasty person the entirety of our consciousness seems to rush to the side of the "victim"? We then criticize the "aggressor" for being mean, for hurting the feelings of others, for being unthoughtful and the list goes on, I'm only too familiar with the receiving end.

At that moment it seems that have also forgotten that the "aggressor" is also a person. A person who has his or her reasons to say what he or she did say. They may not be the best of reasons but it is not without reason. Our rash aiding of the supposed victim is usually accompanied by the fact that we don't bring to mind the considerations of the one who said the harsh things he said.

And these people, when they repeat such acts frequently enough, are regarded or responded to as not humans, but just events. They are part of the landscape of the inanimate world. They are like the rain which comes whenever, which does soil our moods every now and then but we won't profoundly ask why.

I do feel sorry for myself sometimes because some people do behave as though they think I'm too rational. They think I'm like a programme, unfeeling, without genuine cares and their disregard of my feelings or intentions is all too obvious.
But am I not equally guilty of it? Keng Yong comes to mind. This nefarious individual who is always up to mischief and whose mouth is always spilling raunchy nonsense has occurred to me for 1 whole year as but an event in life. He is like a cleverly crafted computer virus who eats away at the infrastructure of an otherwise fine world. But certainly one has got to pay due interest (yes interest is due) to why he does or says the things he says? I'm afraid this seeing of some individuals as events rather than as persons is just quite the common feature of our lives.

And it is regrettable. I guess the greatest disregard we can have for a person is not to think poorly of his intentions, thoughts and motivations,
it's to not think that he has any at all.

Dyslexia and not the best Semester

Finally, a free Friday morning to myself, not cooped up in the dentistry lab getting experimented on.

I'm currently researching on Dyslexia and boy, is it a window into a problem of the internet.
It's a really confusing place if you're looking to learn more about Dyslexia, some sites are very lay man and some sites very scholarly. Some are a mixed bag of both, throwing both together as though they belong to the same basket.

From what I gather thus far, the lay person thinks of dyslexia as a sort of learning disability and this disability ranges from reading to math, and even motor movement. So clumsy people can be considered dyslexics.

Meanwhile, the academic world defines dyslexia in a more restricted manner. It is, as its name suggests, problems with reading, a reading dysfunction.
It is also the case, as suggested by a particular neuro science blog, that dyslexia is thought to be mainly a phonological deficit. You know how you hear your own voice in your head when you read words? Yeap, you're beginning to understand why phonological deficit can result in reading deficit.

Imagine if that voice in your head is uttering nonsense to you, things you can't quite match to the catalogue of words you have in your head.

Imagine now also that these voice is giving you wonky pronunciations of words, what ultimately comes out from your mouth will be pretty odd too, right?
But then the public sentiment is that dyslexics see words funny. Like they're all over the place, upside down whatever.

Some academics propose a visual explanation for dyslexia. In our heads we have a ventral and a dorsal visual path. The ventral stream processes object identity while the dorsal stream processes the object location. Now suppose that your ventral stream is working perfectly fine. You're reading the letters and they look like how they look like to everyone else. But suppose your brain isn't quite sure where the letter is, suppose it's not sure if the letter is attached to the next word or to the previous word... you'll start experiencing reading difficulties.

So anyway, that's a quick review of what I've learnt about dyslexia thus far.

Now people have asked me how my semester is. I think, it's not the best of semesters. The modules I'm doing aren't exactly my favourite (especially critical discourse analysis and language and the internet) and some are just pretty downright new field. Neurocognition of language for instance is so loaded with cranial jargons that I don't understand what the teacher is talking about half the time because I'm just thinking...
left, okay left of the brain, posterior.. post means back, okay back, occipital temporal... okay somewhere at the back of the head, lower half, sulcus. oh the valley okay... so the left side, back of the back of the head in the valley between the occipital and temporal lobes?

Yeah okay, but as I processed that I missed out the other 2-3 names down the line and now I'm completely lost. I can't seem to write fast enough on my notes either and then I just feel like not writing anymore.
It's a completely new field. Yes, everyone is feeling disadvantaged but still that doesn't make it any more enjoyable.

The worst part I think, is how my brain is confidently telling me that these things would be of no kick to me if I just spent a little more time pondering over them.
Which is... well, kind of true. So now the fault actually lies squarely with me.

Okay, back to work.

I'll never live my life fully if I do not know you died to set me free

33- Corrinne May

Feels like a milestone
Being in my 30s
Friends become mothers and fathers
With little ones of their own
So and so’s a doctor
A lawyer and accountant
So and so’s got married
They’ve got a lifetime ahead
A beautiful lifetime ahead

CHORUS
33, the age that You died for me
Now here I am at 33
33, You crowned it with Your life upon a tree
The mystery of Your love for me

We could have been schoolmates
Studying together
We could have had tea and scones
And talked about our day
You walk this path before me
Living close to guide me
You’re thirsting for someone
To show a little care
You’re hidden in faces everywhere

CHORUS

BRIDGE
Everyone’s got a song to sing
It doesn’t matter how short or long
Just let each note ring
So long as we’re in this key

CHORUS
33, the age that You died for me
Now here I am at 33
33, You crowned it with Your life to set me free
The mystery of Your love
The mystery of Your love for me

I was lazing on bed on facebook when I saw this song and I thought to myself that I really need to go and hear it. No regrets at all, it was all gain.

As I listened to the song I envied how corrinne may is able to think about things like this and I thought, enough, I will rise right now for the Lord. I will get off my bed and quit lazing around.

I song begins with a contrast of what 33 means for most people. It's where life begins, some say. For our Lord, it is when life ends. Nonetheless, 33 remains a high point in life for all, but you can say, it was the peak for our Lord.

So I regret that the line in the chorus cannot be changed into:
33, you'll culminate your life upon a tree.

And I'm 23, 10 years away from 33.
What trajectory of my life do I choose? It must be none other than
And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again (2 Cor 5:15).

How am I set free? I'm set free from the need to live for myself, I'm freed to live for You.
Because You died when You were 33, I will live for You while I am 23.

Learning to breathe in the Abundant Sky

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

[Chorus]

So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way

The steadfast love of the Lᴏʀᴅ never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22–23)

I was asked to choose a song which reflects my life right now. A worship song.

That's quite a tough one, I mean, I cannot recall any particular song I sang in church which captures the state of things perfectly. 

Well, that was when I recalled this song. It isn't a worship song but as you can see, it's obviously Christian. Let's talk about the song first. 

Hello Good Morning how you do?

What makes your rising sun so new?

I'm not sure what this verse means. I can only guess that there is a remarkable difference between a person who wakes up and finds the day mundane, as ever, a repetition of what's been going on for years. The sun rises but it's the same old thing, and a person who wakes up to a new morning everyday. It sounds so much like his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning.

The rising sun is new every morning for those who know of God's unending mercies. 

So in a sense this song feels like a reflection on how this verse plays out in the life of someone. How does one live cognizant of the fact that God's love never ceases nor his mercies ever end? 

This is the way that I say I need you

I'm not quite sure what the way is here. "The way" can be something which was already mentioned: is it seeing the rising sun as new? Is it the having of regrets? Maybe both? 

But certainly, the same way is being equated with what comes later

Learning to Breathe

Learning to Crawl

Finding that you and you alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies. 

This chorus talks about fundamentals. Learning to breathe is so fundamental we don't even usually talk about it. I have a hunch that learning to breathe is almost equivalent to "learning how to live". Learning to crawl gives an imagery of a child. The first steps of a baby is crawl. We say learn to walk before you run and certainly we ought to learn how to crawl before we walk. Again, these things seem to be really basic stuff. 

It seems that, this "the way" is talking about the fundamentals of Christian living. The writer is saying that he is finally learning the basics, the breathing and crawling, of living as a Christian. 

Maybe it's both then, seeing the rising sun as new- God's mercies never come to an end and they are new every morning. Only the hopeful can see each morning as new, separate from the baggage of the past. Only those who are acquainted with the never-ending mercies of God have real reason to be hopeful. 

Maybe it's also the regrets, the confession that I could use a fresh beginning too. This, we call repentance. 

Putting it together: this is the way I say I need you, we can confess our need of God by trusting and repenting. 

So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way

The song progresses and in the bridge it elaborates about the way. The very same way is also the way to love and confess the Lordship of God. 

Now, why did I choose this song? A few reasons really, I haven't thought them through thoroughly but I thought I'd just try to list them out. 

1) Ungratefulness. This is perhaps the thing which prevents us from considering the endless mercies of God. We simply don't think that there is any to speak of, of if there were, they're not much to write home about. How has ungratefulness played out in my life? Well, for starters, unwilling participation in some of the ministries God has placed me in. How is this ungratefulness? I think it's that I don't serve Him eagerly because I simply don't thank Him for the gifts and talents He has given me. I think of them as a burden, I think of them as collecting trouble for me. If I were any less talented, I'd think, I'll not have so much to do. 

Ungratefulness also shines when I covet I guess. I want so many things. I'm always looking at the things I don't have and forgetting to give thanks for the things I have, especially those electronic gadgets. 

2) Egocentricity. I mean, self-centredness or self-affixation. I think that in recent days (or perhaps thus far in my life) I've been so obsessed with my own emotions. So when people disappoint me or let me down I just want to be angry, kick a fuss and say that life is hard. It sounds pretty irrational right? The bible would have me look at God instead, not myself. In the event I do look at God I guess these little things in life will appear little indeed. I don't even know why I get angry anymore, I mean, God's grace is enough! 

So what this tells me is that I don't care if God's grace is enough. I'm not even looking God-ward, I'm just looking at myself. I'm fussing with things which don't matter, I don't want to turn my gaze onto God. But I'm learning to breathe, I'm learning to think about God and what He is for me when I think about the things in my life. 

I think these things culminate into the skeptical, negative person you know me to be. I just not a person who spends time contemplating the grace of God. I like to say I'm practical and realistic, but how can I ever be realistic if my view of the world takes little account of the grace of God? 

I guess this song really resonated because I feel like I'm really... just learning to breathe and crawl. 

Good news is, I'm doing this in the midst of His abundant skies. 

God I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies. 

extra training

I wanted to go do some pull-ups before I went home last night. It was pretty depressing, managing to do only 5. Maybe it has something to do with me injuring my lats the last time.
Or maybe it's this nagging problem on my right palm. Whenever something causes my thumb to stretch away from the palm there's this dull pain that feels like a cross between a muscle and bone thing. Can't figure it out.
Maybe the pain is affecting my grip. I don't know.

While I was standing around and readying myself to go a 2nd round, I saw this dude walking around. Initially fearful that he may help himself to my valuables when I went for the 2nd round, I kept an eye on him. He was trying get a glance above the covered walkway and had this stupid, embarrassed smile on his face. So I asked him what he was up to.

Turns out, this guy got his ball stuck in the tree and tried to throw his shoe at it to get it down. His less than impeccable aim got his shoe onto the covered walkway beside the tree instead. He was looking for a ladder to get on top of it.

Surveying the grounds, I found a shelter which was connected to the covered walkway, which has pillars extending beyond the height of the covered walkway itself. I hypothesised that it's possible to get to the top of the walkway by scaling that pillar, but that guy was not willing.

Playing the hero, I climbed up the pillar and arched myself onto the top of the walkway, where I found his shoes. It took a lot more effort than I imagined and my arms were beginning to hurt. The old shoulder problem on my right and my lats were began to protest. Coming down was a lot quicker, but also way more daunting. Squatting down, I took a good grip of the pillar and swung my legs out onto it. The rest was easy.

Yeah, who would have guessed that I got more than what I was looking for. It was good training and a bit of madness which I haven't done in recent times.

damn you surface pro 3

Almost went on a crazy impulse buy. That thing is really a thing of beauty.
You can say it was the machine I was truly waiting for. Now that it is here my fingers are itching.

I almost made the deal but I when I think about it, what real reasons do I have to get it?
At least not yet, maybe in a year I have. Not now, there's absolutely no justifications whatsoever for it.

Oh God help me to be grateful for the things that I have. Help me to thank You for that Thinkpad Tablet 2 with the same intensity I had when I first got my hands on it.
Help me to love it.

Help me also to see that a thousand dollars can be put to better use!

Automatons and the good of moral actions

Some people say that free will is necessary for love.

Some say that free will is necessary for any moral actions to have worth, to have value, to be "good".
What's the logic? They say, well what's the value of your moral action if you weren't even capable of immoral action? You're just an automaton.

What I gather is the real existence of a risk to not do the right thing is what gives meaning to the choice of doing the right thing.


It sounds fine and dandy and extremely intuitive. But I don't know if I can buy such a view.
I was in the church office today talking with my pastor and we just went on the inevitable topic and predestination yada yada. I was surprised that he didn't rush it down. He didn't even so much as to say that I was wrong. He just commented on some general problems a Calvinist would run into, and he listened patiently when I took my turn to take a dump on arminianism.

And then we went onto this topic, on automatons, free will and the worth of moral actions.

I posed him this challenge. I asked him if the possibility of doing evil was giving worth to our choice against moral evil, how then do we go about giving value to God's moral actions?

It is not even possible for God to do evil. His attributes constrain Him from doing so. Will we say that He is an automaton though, since his attributes so decisively direct the things He does? Will we say that His moral actions are of no value since He is not even remotely at risk of doing evil?

If we wouldn't then why would we demand the same for Man? Can't we just say that it is right just because God says it is?

University Dedication Day

11 To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, 12 so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.
2 Thessalonians 1:6

What can I say about that day? I say it felt strangely warm to be amongst the Christians in school (though God knows I didn't really meet any from Regenerate), my heart also seriously fell as several junctures when I thought I saw carelessness during worship: a call to worship which was nothing about God but more about our energy level, occasional pompous behaviour from the worship leader (disunity of the worship team maybe) etc.

But we did pray together and through our admittedly rushed prayers we did dedicate ourselves and the university and our nation into the hands of God. I remember praying that whether or not we all took it serious enough, that God will work powerfully in us to will the things we have prayed for to come to pass.

Do not hold back dear Lord, do not withhold from us any opportunities through which you can shape us into the sort of people we dedicated ourselves to be when we prayed those prayers that night.

I thank you for not holding back with me. Yesterday was quite the different day, despite the pain and agony. It was a day of praying, thinking, working, resting. What I have come to regard as recreation was strangely missing, and I thank You for that.

I know that You have promised to fulfil every resolve for good and to accomplish every work of faith by Your power. I pray now that You will also give me good resolves and a robust faith which permeates every work as well as work which is compatible with faith.

In Your most precious name,
Amen

indigestion of reality

Is it indigestion? The doctor says my stomach has been hyper-active with acid production. As a result, I feel uncommonly hungry but when I put food in the acid rises and I get heartburn. I also feel really bloated most of the time, bloated and hungry at the same time.

She interrogated me over a short span of 5-10mins. She concludes that none of the factors I brought up is chiefly responsible for the overactive stomach. She then suggests that I may be experiencing stress which I know not of.

I paused. My mum said the exact same thing to me when I was at home. She asked if I've been stressed lately, and characteristically, not knowing that I am.

Well I don't want to say that I am! I think that ever since my decision to change my attitude towards the leadership positions God has placed me in, life has been better! I've been feeling a lot happier... haven't I? To say that I'm stress seems to nullify that... but what's the point of rejecting reality?

Well, so I am. I don't even really know why I am. But a few minutes of guesswork on my bed proved to be illuminating.

Firstly, the modules this semester... well, they are of the discourse analysis sort. That stuff... they all bring me back to the admittedly traumatising days of media discourse and analysis. I hate that stuff. I hate it because I don't know much about it and my classmates don't make it any better by drawing flimsy arguments, aggravated by the teacher's endorsement. I didn't like it at all and now they're all back, reminding me that I've left some stones unturned in my time in school.

And then there are things that I need to just chill-out about. For instance, when someone else is put in charge of an activity for youth fellowship, I ought to stop being very egocentric about it and worry for it as though my image is affected by it. It's just bad. First, since it has been delegated I ought not to worry for it as though I'm in charge of it. Furthermore, even if I should worry for it I should find my self-image out of the question. I don't think any love for the organiser will place unhealthy stress on my mind. It's those self-absorbed interest which are perhaps eating away at my health.
"I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it" when it's all about You. I'm sorry that I often make things out to be about myself.

Then there are the self-destructing, time wasting, completely pointless activities that I still engage in extravagantly. Those need to go. There was this night when I had a dream which combined the theories of critical discourse analysis with the game of hearthstone. That is by far, without a shadow of doubt, the most excruciating dream in my life. There was this character which couldn't be killed... that character was the embodiment of leftist thought, seemingly fundamental to critical discourse analysis.
These activities disrupt my sleep, waste my time and make me behave in very irrational ways such as making myself out to be a lot more busy than I really am. Oh God please help me.

Please help me because obviously I'm still far away from understanding how to be a good steward of my gifts. Help me too because all of these happen when I don't love you.
Help me to seek You, then You shall make Yourself be found by me.

Come to me as the showers,
as spring rains which water the earth (Hosea 6:3)

redeem

Is not reason created by You, God?
Help my intuitions, how should You remain unintuitive to me forever?

Is not this world created for Your glory?
Help my heart, how should I arrive at truths but not see their glory?
And if they weren't glorious, can I call them untruth?

extrapolation

There's a sort of honesty with myself that I'm only learning recently. That is, to admit that I don't really like someone.

I owe this to an old friend, who tried to teach me the same thing repeatedly throughout my 2 years in JC. She'd say, why would you like someone like me? Now that I clearly don't anymore, I see it, in some sense, she knew me better than I knew myself.

There are things we don't particularly fancy in people and then there are also things we absolutely detest. Unfortunately these things are often only clearer in retrospect. In the present time I find my mind being very uncharacteristically unaware or forgetful about them. But these days I'm doing a much much better job of reminding myself.

It's not just things like interest now or things which feel promising, to be fun. It's not entertaining those quirky thoughts, a fleeting glimpse at how amusing a particular moment would be. It's a sober, calculated projection of my life ahead and the sort of person who would, not endure, but live it. Promises of patience, understanding...nah. It's the main course, you may hate the soup or you may not fancy a dessert, but don't put up with the main course for the periphery.

It sounds almost silly but it takes a lot of courage to say, "come on, that's not the right one. Now move on along."

Or maybe you can say it takes a lot of faith.

Disobedience as seen in disobedience

"they have been filled with every kind of wickedness... they disobey their parents... although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them"
Romans 1:29-32

Learning to live with my parents (especially my quarrelsome mum) has been a big reason for why I left CAPT, for why I felt guilty whenever I thought of the convenience of living there. You see, 2 years of seeming good relationship with my mum was put to the test this summer holiday. It was the distance, not any real change in me, that explains the superficial improvement.

At any rate, this verse I read tonight was a chilling reminder. How often have I thought of disobedience towards my parents as something of a non-sin? Something that is but a good to have, that is by no means as grievous as the archetypal robbing and murder? But in these verses the bible is clear, disobedience towards parents (of course this needs to be qualified, but let's take it as self-evident for now) are against God's decree and very deserving of death.

The other chilly part of this verse is how we approve of those who also disobey their parents. It's the cool thing isn't it? To speak badly about our parents, to boast about our latest episode of rebellion. To affirm others when they say that their parents are stupid, to encourage them to continue in their disobedience...

Oh God, help us to have what it takes to obey our parents in the right way, help us also to encourage our peers to love their parents, to treat them with honour and respect. Help us to turn the tables on this unhealthy, unholy culture.

deficit of thanksgiving

It's not unheard that I was not pleased to see that I scored high for "D" in DISC test.
"D" is for dominance and is known as the "leader" trait.

I don't like to think that I'm high in dominance, I know personally that I actually prefer to be part of the team rather than to be the team leader. Fair enough, I find myself frequently taking over the leader in those situations, but I have no desire nor enjoyment of the authority of a leader. I detest it, I want to get it off me.

And as my results were flashed for all to see, the "there!" "knew it!" etc. came as I anticipated them to come. That greatly displeased me because it seemed to cement the idea that putting me as head of youth ministry was the right choice.
I don't like to think of it as a the right choice because I'm not in my most comfortable and, as I'd like to think, ideal position. I don't think I work best there, I think sometimes I really just make a blunder of leadership. I had wished the results would prove otherwise, that they may take a closer look at me once again and affirm that I was indeed not the man for the job.

It doesn't help that I was made to be the class rep in my module today. First lesson and I was singled out by the professor to be the class rep. I hate to think that perhaps there are perceivable, stereotypical, leadership qualities in me.

But I wonder if I were behaving to the best of my ability. What if somehow I accept these duties. What if I say

Dear Lord I'm nothing
And I'm surprised that You saw it fit to gift these things to me
So I thank You for everything
Let my service do the talking
Amen

I'm not playing that reluctant leader anymore. I'm taking ownership of the things you've placed me in charge of.
If anything, as thanksgiving for all you've given me.

top tip for BGR

If you only want to be a couple and not friends
the thing you're after is nothing but sex.

The Question to Ask

Today marks the first of 5 sessions on the theory and practical of being a lector.
I think I've discovered the pivotal question.

Do you believe that lives can be changed when verse reading is done properly?

If I do, the rest of this course will benefit me. If I don't, it's 1 hour wasted and 4 hours more to go.
I think I believe.

The GAZA problem

It's a real big thing on Facebook now. Everyone's just strongly taking sides and I don't even know what to think anymore.
Of course, I tend towards siding Israel, but lately it's because I think HAMAS is a bigger idiot.

And here's the thing about the people who post stuff on Facebook. Many of them condemn one party but do not necessarily condone the other. One may say that this is a good thing, they're being objective at least, perhaps being at the same time ashamed of both sides. That's naive.

To me, I think the ideal situation is one where both sides are condemned. I mean if you think that they're both behaving contemptibly, surely you ought to condemn them both? What's the point of leaving out one side in the comments you make? Surely it's because you mean to acquit the other by pointing out the atrocities of another.

That's just the first observation.

2nd observation is the overt anti-semitic sentiments. People post stuff like "Growing racism in Israel" and conclude with their own comment that there's now a form of Israel Nazism. Wow, just wow. How are these idiots permitted to draw such far-fetched conclusions with such inconsistency? There are quite a few people who regularly insinuate that Israel is conducting genocide. Aside from giving these guys a U for general paper I'd also wish them a punch in the face. It's so, so, despicable to ride on the current crisis to assert their petty preconceptions about Israel.
Sadly, there's a trend. My muslim friends are generally supporting palestine and christian friends, Israel. We need a neutral voice but... maybe it doesn't come across as something particularly spectacular and worthy of attention to most. It is like an article pointed out, it's quite a small crisis, really. Well, compared to ISIS and Syria, of course it's small.

In response, I've resolved to remove from my news feed the postings of these idiots. But here's where there's potential for another problem.

One thing characterising this whole extreme side-taking appears to be a severe misrepresentation of the current situation by reputable news lines and junky ones alike. It's the very one-sided story telling. By shutting out these voices from my feed on Facebook, am I consciously creating an environment of one-sided story telling when I am currently having the privilege of hearing from both sides of the story?

Wow that's just inconvenient and irritating.

alamak

Alamak, according to this website I was reading, was originally pronounced as alamar and was first used by the people in malacca under the portuguese occupation.
It meant "mother of God", a malay equivalence of a common christian inspired swear.

According to this comic book about Singapore, it says the word is a combination of "allah", which means God and "mak" which means mother.

So what really bothered me was when someone tried to point out to me that alamak can't possibly be "mother of God" because it is "allah" that is "God", not "ala". So apparently, the spelling meant that it cannot have that meaning.

Upon showing him my source, he went on to say that the writer obviously didn't know his arabic enough, if he did, he'd known that there's no way the "ala-" meant God. How exactly the arabic informs such a conclusion he did not elaborate. What was worse is when I told him that his argument is poor, he did not persist. Instead, he moved to another line of argument, stoking my suspicions that he didn't know his arabic either.

Now he says that it is impossible because malays will never associate allah with a mother. To them, such association is sacrilegious. To me, such an objection is irrelevant because as a linguist, "allah" is simply a lingual equivalent of the word "God", not to be constrained to any particular referent at all. Whoever said that when anyone says "alamak" they think of the god of Islam? Since the god of Islam is no necessary referent, it seems like the "disrespect" argument doesn't really work.

Then comes to ultimate move. He says, "but people are likely to misinterpret". Okay, how can I argue with that? I already stumbled upon a misinterpreter by then, the man himself.

But you know, sometimes I really wish people read more before they start shooting their mouths off. The website that I was talking about, or the comic book which actually made it to publication, do these have no credibility whatsoever that they should be so candidly discarded in the argument?

Alamak sia, meet this sort of people.

no wasted action

A mail comes in, it's from MOE. It's an invitation to speak at pioneer jc regarding teaching as a career path.
But my eyes wander off to the side.

This is news isn't it? News which can be capitalised to start conversations?
I hesitate. What's the point of starting conversations?
Surely I don't mean them to just be conversations?
Surely my scheming self doesn't do things without motivation?

I hold back and moved onto reading the email. But such thoughts cannot be quickly chased away.
Because refraining from speech is too unnatural, isn't it a case of hypercorrection?
Wouldn't this be a self-fulfilling prophecy,
because you don't start, it will never be?

Decisions decisions, make no pointless actions.

this wonderful attachment.

Attachment at HQ has given me yet another insight.

We were discussing about this latest plan to help the teachers with CCE.
In my innocent, newbie moment, I voiced out my reservation. We were investing so much time in whatever it is and for me, I fear that it would not be time well spent.

For me, there was a nagging doubt from the moment good ideas began to fill the whiteboard.
I can't help becoming discouraged as my expectation of the length of the final document continued to climb.
Who would read such a thing? It's simply too long!

That's when the floodgates opened. The officers also shared their honest opinion, their previous stint in schools informed them of the challenges teachers face, the multiple hats they wear and the little time they have to... that's right, sit down and mull over such lengthy documents.

But is that all?

We were referencing this book titled "The Skillful Teacher". On page 3 there is a set of 18 questions. These questions were crafted by the author to aid teachers in post-action self-reflection so that the shortcomings can be made clear and the lesson can be refined.

We asked ourselves a simple question, "when we read the questions did we feel as though we were being evaluated?" The answer was "no" in unison.
On the other hand, if we were to take the questions wholesale and give it to the teachers, we were certain that many would see it as an insidious evaluation tool. Why? On one hand, it is because it is inescapable. The HQ is obliged to set expectations and compel the schools to meet them.

On the other hand, it is the relationship isn't it? I wondered if the social distance between HQ and the schools meant that automatic emotional persuasion was out of question.
Putting myself now in the shoes of a kp in school. If I were to create such a document out of my own goodwill, I would certainly enjoy greater success and achieving that buy in from my own teachers. The role as well as the social distance of the HQ seems to accord this measure of impotence to the policies it makes.

It makes me think that... maybe I don't want to go there after all.

What will it take?

I've been sitting around feeling mediocre recently.

There are many reasons for this, some of which I may not even know, but here goes.

1. Work, and honestly I don't know how long I need before I stop entering work with arrogance. A spent a day of timidity in office, 3 weeks of cockiness, 1 week of reality. I realised that even though the material looks like child's play, there's quite a host of theories behind them. Belittling it, my edits were too divergent from the rest of the chapters and as a result I really just wasted my team's time. 
2. Time squandered. I spent quite a bit of time rotting on YouTube, Facebook, reading random camera reviews because my money is coming in and I really want to make a good choice. But it's like a friend once told me, nothing is going to satisfy you completely, you got the love the one you've chosen. I think loving the one I've chosen does also mean to stop mindlessly scouting around. I need to sit down and think it through. Think what through? The things I want to do with a camera and how a particular model may fit right in. I also have to think about the things I want to let go, for instance, the occasional fantasy of snapping away low light photos at a dance concert. That has to go, I'm afraid. 
3. Spiritually, honestly, working at grange road has given me a good glimpse into work life. It really sucks. HAHA. Especially if there aren't any passionate christians at your work place. There's plenty in school and come to think about it, I haven't given thanks for it. But where I am now, waking too early to have quiet time, being too drowsy at work to have quiet time, being too tired when I'm home to pray properly... It's taking quite a toll. My mind, why, I think God is becoming an ever smaller part of its occupancy.
4. Other people. Just same old story. Everyone's just asking me questions during meeting as though they don't have a personal stake in what we're discussing. This wears me out a lot. It makes me feel that I'm fighting alone. And then they say, don't fight alone... oh wait, do they even say that? This is the sort of thing that I'm awkward to talk about. At the back of my mind something tells me I may be wrong. That a general negativity has shrouded my mind and I'm thinking poorly of people. Or maybe I just didn't try hard enough to let them have some sense of ownership. Man, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like saying "well why do I have to think of everything?" and then I realised that when I do think of it, it's like an answer to a long forgotten prayer to God to equip me. These moments are God's gentle promptings aren't they? The thoughts coming from my blindside, telling me how best to lead the team?

Of course these things are also affected by a poor sleep discipline. If I'm sleeping at 9 every night I'll kick ass from 6-9 the next day. But now, I let the mindless videos drag me beyond bedtime (okay look, even 10pm is excellent), I let my worries of "if I cut off these conversations now would I ever have a chance again to talk about them?" delay me. 

But let's start with a compromise. No more Facebook or Youtube on the computer. 

Wow it's like gouging out my eyes. 

why attend wakes

Why do I attend wakes. Today marks the 4th wake of an unknown person which I have attended as a representative of my church. Of course there is the element of duty, undoubtedly the one which has secured my attendance time and time again.

but today I find that the answer can be, some times, I need it.

As I was wondering about what to do with that colleague, about the future of fellowship, one hymn we sang
耶稣领我耶稣领我耶稣天天亲手领我，我愿为主忠心仆人，因有耶稣亲手领我。

That was it. The timely reminder.
Just trust God and follow.
Sometimes I just spend too much time fixating on my problems and blowing them up.
It's so sweet to be reminded again that my task is but to follow.

What do I do?

How do I deal with this new complication at workplace. You see, meeting someone you know is not always a good thing. It's a good thing because it accelerates the integration process.
Bad thing because although they may find themselves close enough to crack so jokes or take a poke at you, some people simply can't play the games they play on others.

So it got really bad today. I'm at a loss of what to do, of how to proceed in the days ahead.
My mind toys with the prospect of a dramatic cessation in games and laughter. But it's a sort of revenge isn't it? It feels so right and proper, but so wrong at the same time.
The sudden formality, when I think about it, is really a calculated move with the intention to make the other party feel sad.
Yet, if formality does not return, bad things will keep on happening.

Is there a golden mean? A hybrid maybe? A way to be formal in a friendly manner? Oh I have absolutely no idea.
I'm looking right at You, God, you promised to make us strong in our weaknesses.
This is my weakness, please make me strong.
You said that those who lack wisdom ought to ask from the Lord.
I'm asking you right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PO0-QmW54kI

看啊！神的在人间，亲自与他们同在
擦去一切的眼泪，再没有伤悲
因一切都更新

There was the physical tabernacle, a shadow of the true and heavenly tabernacle.
This shadow was once established on earth, during its inauguration God sent fire from the heavens to devour the sacrifices.
He dwelt there visibly, it was like a pillar of cloud in the day and of fire by the night.

When the temple was built He filled it so full with His glory that the priests could not remain in it to serve. However, His glory left it one day. He left to prepare for what was to come.

Because after a little while, His son would die upon the cross to enter the true tabernacle with his very own blood. To cleanse it, opening a pathway for all who believe to enter, even to the very throne of God.

We are now His tabernacle, which means place of dwelling, the body is now the temple of the Holy Spirit, consecrated, cleansed, purchased by the blood of Christ.

But someday, we will live where He lives.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. he will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God"
Revelations 21:3

期待那一天

What is something that becomes fleeting the harder you chase?

How does one achieve without pursuing?

Everything.

Is the kingdom of God the only straightforward thing? Those who seek it find it.

Try something new

Recently I've been thinking if I can radically reform my perspective on the use of my time.
If I may live a happier life if I carelessly spend my time every now and then, while being disciplined to sleep early on my weekday nights.

To spend some time in ways I would not previously, such as visiting a friend at a camp in the late hours of night, or sending some friends off at the airport early next day.
For now, it feels right. This life can really change if I substituted the old habits of time wasting for these new habits of expending my time.

In other news, I'm pretty glad about how last nights meeting went. I think we now have a workable solution for fellowship, though its implementation is no less tricky.
I think it also revealed to me some intentions behind my plan which weren't apparent to me. Some poor intentions.
The new implementation: reforming the groupings and letting the "right groupings" emerge organically is going to be so tedious to explain and so awkward in implementation. But okay, no more buts. Let's go get our hands dirty.

I wrote a note on my meeting notes yesterday. It says, "pray".
Do you know? Prayer is very telling about how much exactly a Christian cares about something (if he is any proper Christian). I realize that the things I really want God to accomplish are the ones I think about often. When I think of them I feel overwhelmed by my own powerlessness to achieve them and I quickly withdraw to pray.

However, there are things I'm supposed to care about, things like prayer requests entrusted by others to me, things like church, fellowship, friends who have yet to believe, mission trips etc. these things rarely occupy my mind.
And I don't have any persevering prayers for them either. I think it is no surprise, then, that they are not answered. For starters, it is apparent that I don't really want them and so... never truly prayed for them. Sometimes I remember them before bedtime but I'd give it a skip because I'd rather go to sleep.

So there are things we naturally pray at lengths for, and things we actually don't care about. However, I strongly believe that if we first, albeit unnaturally, pray consistently, God comes to our assistance by impressing the matter on our hearts so that we are able to pray persistently.

And so it shall be with fellowship. How will it be done dear Lord? I do not know but I'll not only ask once. I will ask and You will answer.

sad story

I must blog this because what I saw this afternoon while queuing for char kway teow is really too much to bear.

So I was in a pretty long queue at the char kway teow stall when we just witnessed 6 packets of char kway teow going to this office lady in front. It was a crazy wait, I almost wanted to jump right out of the queue.

As time ticked by I got bored and I kay-poed the lady in front of me by checking out what she was doing on her phone. From what I can see, she was happily texting this guy who seems to be from her office. Okay, a colleague. She was replying quickly and there were lots of "hahaha" or even "hahahaha" which I know from research to mean more than the patronizing "haha".

She pressed the back button and then I saw this other person, whose name was baby koala, flanked by heartshapes. I can see from the tiny dp that this was a man, not a baby by any chance. Her lover. Opening the chat, I saw that baby koala sent her a pretty long message of about 3-4 lines. She glanced, her eyes staying for a second or two and she types the reply without hesitation, "thanks dear". But the moment she replies she backs from the conversation and checking her phone once again for any new messages, she locked it and kept it.

I couldn't help but feel that the thanks dear was very formulaic and lacking in authenticity... and misleading! From where I was I felt as though... 1, she'd rather have a prolonged conversation with her colleague, sparing her lover only a formulaic reply. It's like... a storm is brewing and maybe the guy is the last man on earth to know.

It reeked of the beginnings of an unfaithful relationship. I say beginnings because I refuse to accuse her colleague of anything. But... it felt like she was allowing his special position in her life to slip ever so slightly.

Ah it's too tragic.

What is it to you?

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/jesus-wants-you-to-be-you

I chanced upon this article at a timely period of my life as I contemplate the will of God regarding the future of youth fellowship in Church. 

I think I began the year optimistic (and idealistic), thinking that if we were willing, the gap between the Singaporeans and Malaysians can be bridged. I have since moved on, the experiences in the past 6 months informing me deeply about the cost of my idealism. 

Today I no longer think that it is wrong for us to separate, that somehow it is a necessary calling that we learn how to being in the same fellowship together. In fact, I realized the fallacy in the argument that we learn best how to love all brothers and sisters by having an inclusive youth ministry. Today I think that this is but a short cut- on one hand I try to love those in my fellowship, on the other, I give no attention to those in east malaysia fellowship. It's hypocrisy. 

I saw during my trip to Yunnan or my time with NUS vcf how much we're missing out back in church if the fellowship was of people having the same life experiences and speaking the same language. I now question if the cost we are paying today is even justified, worse, if the two peoples will benefit more from a separation. 

But there was a recent frustration. The radical thought and its tendency to appear controversial has left me wary of proposing it, fearful that it will result in alienation, awkwardness and the like. 

The frustration then, stems from the fact that I've come to know that many people have thought or desired this separation but have not been very forthcoming about it. Instead, when asked, they interrogate me as though they were a neutral party, hands folded, looking silently over the matter, just observing and not having a personal stake in it. 

That really makes me angry, knowing that the awkwardness can be done away with if we were all going to be more forthcoming. In my head I keep wondering why God doesn't torment them with the responsibility as He does with me. Then... I read this article. 

If I were to be sober and think about it... isn't there a reason why I was made the head of the ministry? 

"doesn’t revel in their distinctive refraction of God’s multifaceted glory. It doesn’t rejoice in the sweet providences God grants to them. It is not grateful for the blessings of their God-given strengths. It does not want to deal gently with their weaknesses"

I do not rejoice in the distinction of my lot, nor of God's providence that I should ruminate over the matter. I don't thank God that I can, at will, think the matter through carefully and clearly. I do not for a moment thank Him that I am strong where perhaps the rest are weak. 

Oh help me to regard my calling with that holy fear, thanking, praising and in humble execution. 

Let not the thoughts of "what about him" occupy my mind, but let my mind be focused on the honor of the task. 

May the work of my hands, the deliberation of the matter, bring You glory. 

Repugnance at Revival

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/should-we-pray-for-revival

I've always felt a sense of irritation or anger when I hear people asking me, or the people around me, to pray for revival. For a moment I was self-righteous- you can pray for revival all you want, you revival needing person, I don't need any of your "you need revival" talk.

Then it became a period of self-examination and doubt. I wondered if I rejected the call to pray for revival because I despised the people who asked for me to pray for it, if it was because I doubted their character and intention. Then I also wondered if it can ever be wrong to pray for revival, I mean, how can it be that it is wrong to tell God that you want to grow? Indeed, how can we ever stop telling Him that we want to?

With that thought I entered a phase of unwilling prayer where I borrowed the strength of rational reasoning whenever I joined in prayer to ask for it. Nonetheless it remained far from my private prayer. It was kept as a merely congregational affair.

But reading this article really helped me to rethink my initial repugnance towards praying for revival. Yes, it was a lot about distrusting the intention of the people who would call for it (and I insist that I have the right to since few of them saw the need to explain themselves).

Why I formerly refused

One thing was the apparent vacuum behind their call for us to pray for revival. If anything, it always irritated me when anyone said anything without qualifications as though the thing that they were saying ought to be painfully apparent. As though there were no reasons why we should not follow the call to pray for revival right there and then. As though it will be crazy to think otherwise.

The lack displayed reasoning then leads me to think that they are some kind of sensationalists. I begin to think that "wow these guys just want spiritual high one after another". It doesn't help that the call to revival is usually sounded at a musical (saying worship may be too unobjective) high, it's sort of a catchphrase that worship leaders hang on their mouths, for use to stir or maintain a high during worship.

Why does that offend me? Well, for starters its absence in the more sober moments. Why doesn't the call come when we're sitting around during prayer meeting? Why does it not come during the quiet evening walk? Why? What is revival anyway? From what I recall, it is a period of significant trials and tribulations, when God's work and company can be clearly perceived in His deliverance, when Christians become more selfless and preach the word of God courageously.
Such a thing... isn't it only possible to truly mean it in the sober, quiet times? I imagine saying it in tears of sorrowful, trembling (because we consider how hard life will be when it comes) submission "O God you must revive us".

There is a second reason and this reason is reflected in the article strongly.
I was thinking that people are looking to revival as a solution for their lack of obedience and repentance. When the world goes to hell in a handbasket we Christians ought to feel sorry, remorseful because we stood by an watched. Such a realization leads first to repentance... doesn't it?
But instead, many have taken a liking to responding by praying for revival. I think such a response lacks the self-awareness that our slothfulness is responsible for the state of affairs. At this juncture one may say, "but we must ask God wad, only God can do it". Sure, I'm not denying that. But to arrive at the call for revival before we have walked the path of repentance is an obscene overlooking of our culpability isn't it?
Worse, it is because of the lack of call to repentance that I wonder if they're even asking for revival as a corrective action (which I find to be correct), or if they were asking for it as a "stamp of approval", a rewarding experience for a deserving church.

I don't want to be found praying for revival alongside people who are praying for it because they want to see some spiritual fireworks or alongside people who shift the blame to God (see la why you never revive us?), much less people who don't exhibit any wincing at the world of pain revival is about to bring to us.

That said, we should pray for revival. That much I agree. But first let us repent because we cannot substitute obedience with revival.

“Have you noticed how much praying for revival has been going on of late — and how little revival has resulted? I believe the problem is that we have been trying to substitute praying for obeying, and it simply will not work.”

Tozer

Edge of tomorrow

Live fight, die, rinse and repeat. This movie is strangely worth watching.

Watch how attachment to the female lead ruins the main character's judgment.

watch that wonderful snigger which I heartily approve of at the end.

Calm before the storm

And so I've been telling everyone (when I'm thinking about it) that last week was the last of my holidays.

I just completed and submitted my insurance cash back form. I hope the 700 odd dollars will tide me to the next instalment of MOE allowances. I think it can. It may involved eating alone in sad fashion as I work 6 weeks @ grange road.

I put a dent in the packing for church camp because I'm really excited to go. Army has denied me my opportunity for the last one and now, at long last, I'm going for church camp again. The last one is a good 6 years ago.
Looking at the itinerary though, it seems like.. so recreational, so... not driven. I guess that's why I ought to start praying, start praying for me, for the campers to be ready to put our free time to good use (even if it means just really kicking back and relaxing).

Something cropped up in my cell group. You know, something messy and ah, you know what, I can't elaborate on it here. But my prayers are with the people involved. God you must help them all.

I'm still thinking that I may be severely lacking in work clothes and may be in need of a good haircut.

I also have to finish this 14 chapters of the methodist christian basics before I'm permitted to go for my confirmation. So this book... you're going down. I'm blitzing you in 2 days.

I'm also looking forward to the buffet tomorrow night, and no, it's not because it is a buffet. I've never been a huge fan of food. It's that the old and new comm and finally meeting again. I hope this little buffet section will serve as an encouragement for the current comm, so we'll be ready to fight a harder fight next year.
Speaking of which, I really thank God for helping lisa take the initiative last night. It's a glimpse of what I want to comm to be like. I'm also thinking of carol's reminder of Dr Liao's sharing. Dr Liao left xishuangbanna for kunming because the people there could not look to the new leader, Jaap, when he was still around.
It's a little move he called strategic... withdrawal? I remember taking a mental note back then... noting that this is perhaps a move I'll have to pull on my own committee someday.

Also eagerly anticipating the movie with desmond tomorrow. It's nice to meet up with the wankers (pardon the language, its his term) from army since i'll be giving reservist the coveted skip this year. Hope it goes well. Check out how he's been doing.

There's also the planning for the may and june babies celebrations. I don't want to let it pass like it always does. I wonder if there can be a general message I can include in the letters to the babies to just spur them on to live their lives for Christ.

Ah there is much to do... and as usual, still much time.

Help me to number my days, and in this time and age, my hours and minutes, that I may honour You with my life.

same verse

I wake up in the morning, gingerly picking up my phone.
It is evident that nobody needs me.

My heart falls slightly but I pick it up.
My life disordered but now I know.

I've officially entered the real test
For whom will I change for?
For whom will I cling onto the lessons of the trip?

2 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various [c]trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces [d]endurance. 4 And let [e]endurance have its perfect [f]result, so that you may be [g]perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4. 

I pick up this fallen heart.

I whisper these verses tenderly to it. 

I estimate I'll have to strangle and shout at it someday.

I doubt it is a big surprise that every other peripheral conversation I had on the trip was centred around the topic of BGR.
It still haunts me after the trip and with every thought it cripples me. The thought of relinquishing the control and security in insisting my own way, the realization of the futility of such a mode of thinking (because after all there is no real control and security)...

Today is a free day, but a day I spent productively in the morning only to stare blankly into space in the afternoon. A day where the moments spent unwisely comes screaming back at me. The disappointment sedates me.

The phone which was more active a day ago... I rest it in peace. I let conversations die and they do.
But in my heart are incessant mutterings, a death by suffocation.

Help me to trust you dear Lord, if I trust You these things will be to me as nothing.
As nothing.

I must learn quickly.

It is in times like these that I realised that I too, have little knowledge of the bible, knowing and repeating it vainly,

Matthew 6:33
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added onto you.

I guess the misstep of the day is sitting around. Yes, God wants us to trust Him, but meanwhile, He really intends to have us put our hands to work and our minds to knowing Him. Move along tuckyan, move along.

dat stomachache

Now I'm in the common, post trip phase of dealing with stomachache. I feel like complaining but I think I'll settle for giving thanks.

I've always had a bad stomach, one which can't quite take any challenge. Seafood, shoddy food, you name it. Two notable incidences are my trip to cambodia in 09, how everything went downhill after the seafood on the 3rd day or so. My first field camp was the same too. Many boys had the privilege of not taking a dump throughout all 5 days. I had the utmost privilege of taking 7 dumps because my body couldn't adjust to the rations in time.

So this prolonged trip of 15 days... when I survive the trip without any troubles, only dealing with the troubles now as I sit in the comfort of Singapore, I'm full of thanks for the borrowed time and the mercy.

The ache is really bad though, sometimes I feel like throwing up (but it's really just a feeling). I'm visiting the toilet every now and then but somehow my bowels still feel full 24/7.

Dear Lord, come quickly to heal me. I want to train for IPPT soon!

The right way to do the right thing

The word "calling" has been like a keyword throughout the entire Yunnan trip. It's the word on the minds of two of my friends, shawn and Olivia.

Both of them went on the trip to discover what their calling is, a move I thoroughly approve as I deem it to be biblical. The basis for this is Romans 12:1-2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.[b] 2 Do not be conformed to this world,[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.[d]

The verse stresses the need to test in discerning what the will of God is. I guess their trip this time round is indeed a taster in the world of missions, something they ought to do in the process of discerning the will of God.

This prompted me to pick up my bible to read chapter 12 today. Who knew, as I read, I read till the back of chapter 12 which talked about gifts. There was this curious portion of verses 6-8

6 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; 7 if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; 8 the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads,[f] with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

Aha, let me draw you to verse 8. The one who contributes is to do it in a generous manner, the one who lead is to do it in a zealous manner and the one who does acts of mercy to be cheerful as he does them.

My eyes were caught by the leading part. Being the leader of youth fellowship in church now, this verse really made me ask myself a question: have I been leading zealously, in diligence and enthusiasm?
I think I have much to work on that aspect. I picked up my phone and asked the committee out for a dinner together. I think it's been a long time since we've all met, with the Malaysian girls gone while awaiting their work permit and me, removed for 2 weeks because of Yunnan.
I ought to be more diligent in my leading. Oh God take my thoughts captive to you, that I may be thinking for, and of, them. That I no longer permit my mind to wander aimlessly.

Help me to do the right thing with the right attitude, yea, to lead zealously.

Give thanks, for everything

Been reading this book called "the gift of pain" by dr brand and Philip Yancey.
This book talks about Brand's experience with people who cannot feel pain. From the chapters I've read so far, it is those who are born with pain indifference (a strange, rare condition where the feeling of pain is not offensive to the individual, but rather somewhat tingly and possibly enjoyable, perhaps like when we give ourselves a good scratch on that itch) and leprosy which is worse perhaps because there is no sense of feeling at all.

It talks about how kids born with pain indifference bite their own fingers, chew their own tongue, twist their angles and destroy their joints all because they have bodies which cannot process the information of danger and so they self-destruct in their repeated, innocent abuses.
These children largely do not live beyond 25. I mean, think about it, imagine if you never felt the pain from touching a hot kettle. Imagine if breaking your bones merely gave you a tingly sensation. Imagine if the first time you very accidentally fell from great heights was a painless experience. How would one conceive the danger of a fire? How will one know the threat of gravity? Impossible.

Then there are the lepers and stories of how they mindlessly use their stubby hands to retrieve a hot potato which has fallen into a pile of hot coals. Or that enthusiastic patient, whose enthusiasm sent him running across the courtyard to greet the doctor, forgetting his dislocated ankle, breaking and losing it for good in the run and winding up with his leg amputated as a result.

They say that leprosy is the disease of the poor and leprosy results in the loss of nerves and thus the loss of physical feeling.
Is it possible that a sort of emotional/spiritual leprosy exists... and this time round it is a disease of the rich? A bacteria eating furiously at our capacity to feel, making us uncompassionate, uncaring, unfeeling, selfish. The most tragic of news is but a tingle... a possibly enjoyable tingle. We talk, we gossip, but it does not hurt us in any way.

And so I saw that when we recognize tragedies and tragedies, when we are acutely aware of the bad and evil, the suffering in this world, we ought to thank God. The capacity to perceive pain is not something we can simply take for granted, worse, to wish away. Because many are born without it, and many more acquire its deficience.

Dr Brand once feared that he has become a leper when he could not feel his legs. Poking furiously at it with a needle, despairing because he felt no pain. Falling into a fitful sleep, he awoke. This time, when the needle punctured the skin to his heel he yelped in pain. Tears of joy streamed from his eyes when he realized that his nerve was merely deactivated the night before due to bad blood flow. As he slept the nerve came back to life.

When sufferings come, when I am in pain, let me at least give thanks to God. His mercy has seen to it that I should not lose my capacity to know pain. That I should not become a reckless juggernaut on path to his physical demise, nor a cold calculative prig who is on a rampage to hell.

Thank You.

Unknown Anger

 Stepping into yisin’s house brought a mix of emotions. A sense of awe at its sheer size, an admiration for the person who worked into making it monetarily possible and the brilliance of the architect as well as the diligence of the constructor.

But looking at the sheer extravagance, the swimming pool, the sprawling compound, the decor certainly evoked an anger in me. I don’t really know what it is about. In my more sober moments I think it’s a sort of jealousy. I wonder what sort of person I’ll be if I lived so comfortably. I wonder what sort of person I’ll be if I have a nice big home with which to invite friends down. A home where perhaps my cell will look forward to entering weekly. A home which has everything, just naturally attractive.

I also wonder why I live in a country with such severe inequality. People who own such homes can literally own castles overseas. We live in Singapore where the HDB is the default… yet some are living as though they were in America… and more. 

These little things invade my mind. I cannot help but feel that sense of indignation as I sit on this carpeted floor with my tablet resting on this low, transparent black glass table. Two fans move the air above me because of the sheer size of this living room. Behind me is a big swimming pool and there’s a huge tank of fish just existing, the fish nonchalantly, obliviously swimming away.

The house has a basement, and when need be, water can be made to run down a manmade fall, sure to be a spectacle when viewed from the basement. 

If I ever have the money will I do this? Why would anyone do it?
I think I just got the bottom of the source of my anger.

acceleration

This Yun Nan trip is definitely not one that is going most smoothly, it is understandable since many of us have spent much of our time fussing over other things like school and exams.

Things like cost spike, suddenly new assignments... God I only ask for one thing:
Help me to trust You, help me to be strong.
Let me experience You thoroughly.

How Singapore's political history shaped her political future

Japanese Occupation:
Singapore was occupied by Japan from 1942 to 1945. This was part of Japan's Greater Co-Prosperity Sphere (a hot load of BS).
It was during this period that Singapore experienced the betrayal of the British army and was subjected to brutalities and atrocities.

This event shattered the myth of the white man's invincibility and sowed seeds of nationalism as Singaporeans realised that they could not count on anyone else to defend the country. This set the stage for independence demands post-war.
This also served as ground for repeated invocation of the siege mentality.

However, this event also exacerbated Chinese-Malay tensions because the malays were co-opted by the Japanese while the Chinese were harshly treated because of the ongoing war between Japan and China.
This set the stage for the emphasis on racial harmony post war.

On the other hand, the British rule has also influenced contemporary Singaporean politics to a certain extent.
The British developed Singapore into a trading hub and its good governmental and administrative systems and structures were inherited for easy transmission of governance.
However, the idea of a plural society where different races lived together but do not mix persisted, giving us an awkward version of racial tolerance rather than actual harmony.

Finally, the merger and the subsequent separation proved to be a highly bitter moment which left a great impact on Singapore's politics.

The clash between malay Malaysia and Malaysian Malaysia only confirmed the preference for non-communal politics in Singapore and the rejection of the bumiputra policy in Malaya. Again, this was push for multiculturalism in Singapore.

The use of the media for smearing the government and "lying" to the people also convinced PAP that the mass media must be subdued and subjugated by the government, to be transformed into an implementer of government policies and agendas.

The separation plays finely into the idea that Singapore is a lone state surrounded by hostile neighbours, again, the siege mentality.
There was also a radical, renewed resolve to succeed economically without a hinterland, to go global rather than to be satisfied with the common market under Malaysia.

Finally, it marked the beginning of a series of spats between Singapore and Malaysia from time to time.