There's been something troubling me since 13th February.
Yes, one side of it is whether she will ever accept me... the other side of it has been if my heart has been honouring God.
Well you see, liking someone is a perfectly normal activity, no cause for alarm in and of itself. But when it has gone on for rather long, some suspicion is due.
My emotional fluctuations this week has revealed that it is no exaggeration to say that for a very long time I've been deriving the joy in life from her responses to me.
And this has actually made me a much less cheerful person lately.
What is really criminal about that is that my general outlook in life has poorly reflected all the riches and grace that I have received from God in these two years (or so). I found myself as Adam and Eve, peering up to the forbidden fruit with a torrent of questions in my mind about why God has not given me something as magnificent as this. My eyes have long lost its gaze on the multitude of trees in the forest that have been given to me. With one hand, opened, I ask God for this one fruit. With my other hand I receive many that I did not ask for (but God knows I needed) and I have been silent in my response to those.
Have you heard of the hymn "Lily of the Valley"? It's a lovely hymn. Here it is:
I’ve found a friend in Jesus, He’s everything to me,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul;
The Lily of the Valley, in Him alone I see
All I need to cleanse and make me fully whole.
In sorrow He’s my comfort, in trouble He’s my stay;
He tells me every care on Him to roll.
Refrain:
He’s the Lily of the Valley, the Bright and Morning Star,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul.
He all my grief has taken, and all my sorrows borne;
In temptation He’s my strong and mighty tow’r;
I’ve all for Him forsaken, and all my idols torn
From my heart and now He keeps me by His pow’r.
Though all the world forsake me, and Satan tempt me sore,
Through Jesus I shall safely reach the goal.
He’ll never, never leave me, nor yet forsake me here,
While I live by faith and do His blessed will;
A wall of fire about me, I’ve nothing now to fear,
From His manna He my hungry soul shall fill.
Then sweeping up to glory to see His blessed face,
Where rivers of delight shall ever roll.
I found myself choking on the lyrics today and I knew that something was wrong. I came to realise that God is no longer the "fairest of ten thousand to my soul".
It was such a humbling moment because although I have said this so many times in my life, I have yet to comprehend what it really means for God to be our "All in All". I needn't think far to realise that He isn't.
And so, when speaking on the lent during service, the pastor inquired if we have decided what we will be setting aside in the next 40 days, the answer was clear as day to me. She has to go. In the next 40 days I shall fast of her and I pray that I will once again have God enthroned in the seat of my heart.
I have been putting this aside for far too Long. So this is my promise to God. I shall fast of her, please help me and my weak and wretched soul. Give me strength to see this through, and give me grace so that I will learn and will overcome this idolatrous spirit I have in me. And... if it turns out that because of my silence in these 40 days that she has decided to write me off, or be with another person, then so be it.
Let me sing with the saints, "even so, it is well with my soul."
God help me.
