dont

Seriously. If you see her with a guy, and it makes you feel hopeless..



If you think that there's a conspiracy going on.



If you think that having confirmation will shatter you into pieecs.



If you think there's this guy with mouth flowing of honey.



then stop looking, stop thinking, stop seeking.



Just stop you fool, tuckyan.

a bomb.

right now, the word is agony.

I always allow myself to brim up with things i wanna say
then when i say them they're too much i find the wrong words to put them in
Then perhaps you'll think im weird, perhaps crazy
perhaps unreasonable perhaps.

cauz whatever was in the past, it is already disintegrating.
Sooner or later, it'll be blown away, together with the sands of time.

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.



wow, this guy really hacked my computer. "How accurate" i remarked, "suspiciously accurate"

some guys really know how to do this stuff. Good for them.

methodology

Basic rules of the game, tuckyan, is as follows.

If you cant put a cross onto a girl, may you never put a ring on her

what are you doing?

She was sitting on the sun chair under the hot blazing sun, by the poolside.
oddly, she was clad in a jacket and getting toasted up under the hot sun.

Its been two years, this one's been the hottest.
She can canoe, she is tall, she can sing, she can run, she is pretty.
But right now, she's sitting right there, motionless.

ramaging through my bag, i found a dri-fit long sleeve shirt.
As i thought of how to approach her, i couldnt help but notice how she's grown.

Its been two years, this one's been a miracle.
Her dry fuzzy hair is now straight and healthy, her face is now void of pimples.
Her legs no longer carry the scars of insect bites, her face retains the sunkiss.

As my heartbeat grew faster, my legs carry me to her side.
Still oblivious behind those closed eyelids, she had a silly smile on her face.

Its been two years, this one's getting nostalgic.
She's still a blur-pok, thank god she still smiles.
Her face has now become thinner, and her skin now smoother.

placing a firm grip on her shoulder, but careful not to hurt her, i woke her up.
She looked at me, with her eyes, so big, i find myself in a loss of words, lost in them.

Its been two years, and this one's incredible.
Our first encounter was just like this, two innocent youths electrocuted by chemo-current.

But this time, its different, its been two years.
"what are you doing sitting under the hot sun with you jac...."
"NO! What are you doing?" She cut me short.
"You're always like that! Why are you helping me now?" "What can you possibly gain from this, why do you want to do this?"
"thanks!" she smiles. "i've been stuck here for 2 hours."
"i've got a concert later, and i cant be going over in bikini can I?"
I was stumped, silly by her sudden question. Before i could react what she was saying, she was
on her feet and the wind carried her away.

It's me, by the poolside, dressed in t-shirt and shorts.
Man... what am i doing?

tired.

an ordinary evening. but a different sight.
You know, she looks compatible with anybody. Anybody.

Its times like these when i want to walk away, to disappear. To vapourise.
But no, the same smile when she sees me, temporarily numbs me.

My life... it isnt mine anymore. What should i do? Be in pain? Be moaning and groaning?
No! NEVER! Get it back dumb fool!

Well i've got it planned out.
This holidays.. its gonna be the ultimate retreat. God, work, friends, study.
Its all about fixing this tard-up life.
When i get back to the court (school) and im still the same failure.. ok so be it.
At least this time i've tried and i can fail with no regrets.

I think im a really eligible boyfriend candidate. so sarah, you're right.
Maybe im just wasting my time...
NAH KIDDING. hanging around is part of the strat alright?

GET UP GET UP!

school

this year, school's gonna end like an implosion.
Pieces of everything in this year will be thrown, suspended in the air.
Why? because im in 4H2s.
Why? because i built my life around the worst things.

So when this year ends, many things will change, 2009 will see me stepping back into school.
With my life deranged, the crunch of broken chips scattered over the floor will persist.
Not untill... not untill i get a grasp. Not untill i bend down to panistakingly pick up the pieces.
Not untill i shed a droplet of blood for each piece of mistake i made.

Nothing is getting away without a final reckoning.
I feel terribly... upset.
Year after year this happens.
And this year's worse, homework is starting to haunt in. I dont see how its justified, i dont know why it should be like this.
Havent the teachers thought and considered how much this is? Stress after stress, after stress.
And Aside from homework, life is full of other considerations.

Sure, i can stage a collapse and a coup. But im stronger than that.
I just dont see why i have to take all these nonsense.
Once again life feels like a reaping scythe. Close behind, removing any unproductivity.
Running, running running.

That's it?

Reading

when i read joash's blog.
i feel like i blog shit.

I think he can be a good friend, i really think so.
Sometimes i find as if its possible if he's my older brother, the things he blogs, i can truly empathise.
On the other hand, since he is dying so much for a friend, I've thought of taking him as my
next best friend.
But i dont have the guts to,
I know i make a lousy friend.

I'm just another of those guys who think BGR can last now.
And hell, i dont know what im trying to prove.
Maybe its just an excuse for being vulnerable, but that excuse is starting to cost alot.
Im sitting home right now, watching a disaster unfold.

Vivid memories of my form teacher losing it just keep flashing through my mind.
I'm running, running down the tunnel of life.
There's prayer labyrinth, there's the worship aims, there's Insights and Reflections.
Well prayer labyrinth.... its just not that easy. I'm trying to be fresh, but im afraid..
I always get caught up in my own ideas, i dont think for others.
I want to do something so much, i'd sacrifice all the other ideas for it.
I need to stop thinking about myself.

Worship aims..
Leading worship has been the #1 phobia in my life. That makes backup singing #2.
When you go up and lead, with sin tearing you down, man.. it sucks and you find yourself unable.
So far in my life, 2 sessions were successes. And now that i recall, those were the ones where i decided- I'm dead. God save me from this worship leading.
And he did, by personally carrying me through.

Well Insights and reflections... Just another boring PW thingy.
I really dont feel like doing it, i know i can do it at a whim.
But i've gotto change.
Its high time to change.

This holiday... please.. may it be the time for me to undergo metamorphosis and leave this pitiful shell of mine behind.
I want to be different, i want this retreat to give me time to change.
Next year, life is just going to get harder.

thank God for that dummy sarah.
I'd died a few times over if she didnt keep talking to me and keeping me awake.

well i was telling her. guys should teach girls chem, hopefully it stimulates real chemistry.

I just wish eva is an inert gas that is capable of expanded octet? so she can accept a date-tive bond.
haha. damn it. i tell you, theere is a reason why chemistry is called chemistry.

well anyway.
These few days have been crazy, playing like nuts.
Badminton, volleyball, tennis, catching, badminton.
i was telling i forgot who, it feels like i have abs growing on my back.

new haircut, i finally dared to keep my hair length.
It kinda made me look kiddy.. well whatever.

During catching there was some serious injury, really worrying.
Sometimes i know i forget to take things serious and be thankful.
Catching.. i used to think that the only possible injury is like falling down...
haha. now what?

im sick, and i hate it.
when im sick i feel as if i cant do anything.
Then the future looks bleak. I know its just a feeling, but well. feeling bad sucks.

school today was nonsense, cant figure why i bothered to turn up.
Boring talks, stuffy lecture, my throbbing throat. I almost died.
its so hard to survive a easy day like this, what about... tomorrow?

time table rocks. i think at least 4 hours of school's been shaved off.

today.

someone is angry
someone is disappointed.

Someone's awfully confused
and someone's mind is filled with words he knows he'll regret.

Someone is trying to learn to think alot less
to not create a storm that even he cannot handle.
Someone is trying to grow up today.

Someone is trying to believe there is a good reason.
Someone just doesnt want to hurt her anymore...

still it eludes me.
why... why!