a late retirement @ queensway.

i didnt have to be there... but i was there, for a good reason today..
I had to know, i had to be convinced.. that friends, you can win them over with your time..
that friends.. they dont come free but when you pay for it, they come.

when i sit infront of the computer i wonder if she has a blog.
And if she has a blog, what exactly would be written on it?
What does she have to say about me... now, how does she feel about me?

everything seems to have gone so wrong...
what if joseph's right? What if being friends is something i should never have agreed to?
Sigh.. sometimes things can be 'whatever-ed' away..
but at what cost?

photos? i hate photos.

It was just curiousity..
The feeling is so strong, it screams in my head
"its over its over!"
Hello, tuckyan, you're supposed to be mr flexible.
You're supposed to tolerate and get over..

But i dont get it, it hurts..
It hurts so much.

act

its.. cold and lonely in the living room.
the keyboard's creaking slowly along with my contemplating fingers..
Faith is running out.. and every time this happens..
i wonder if im destined to be single.

my heart is gently trembling..
A thousand thoughts race across my mind.
There's so much i wanna spill, but there's only one who should listen..
But she.. she wont listen anymore.

have you ever felt like this?
so hopeless so helpless so lonely and frail?
so faithless so weak, so tired so devastated?

each cold reply
like a sharp icy shard
Pierces so deep into that throbbing heart.
And freezes you over.

the pain spreads and your limbs.. they turn numb..
till your freezing fingers. slide from the keys
and your head hits a bump


wide awake in what's known as reality..
you still wont faint
and the pain remains

secretly remark.

behind every poorly formed argument lies the most ironic statement.
A statement of agreement.
But humans.. we don't quite like agreeing.

i don't what to say anymore.
Yet somehow i must say something..
something true, right, pure, worthy, powerful and so on.
In summary: words that do not belong to my mouth.

when love feels pain

'to love is to be vulnerable'



Today was a tough day, without you or your messages.
I don't know what happened and i don't know why
But I keep having a bad sinking feeling..
There's this thick ominous air where I am.. and i can't breathe.


When I pray, God chides me.
"You love her too much, you see.."
"And you have forgotten me" i finish the sentence..

Torn between His plans and mine
I know somehow i cannot numb myself to this..
cauz Lord you said 'to love is to be vulnerable'
when you died on the cross throughly humble.

Sometimes i speculate the reasons for why I'm who I am today.

I say to some "oh im clever because.. well i used to go library twice a week to read reference books!"
and to some "oh, i don't know?"

But tonight i think i know.
Its because i dread being THE loser.
I dread it so hard it keeps me working to improve, to impress.

Perhaps thats why i got so sad
perhaps thats why i even got mad.

You know, you should know.

cost

Yesterday is a wrinkle on the forehead.

Tomorrow could well be 1 foot in the grave.

Its 10.. 10, is the time i used to sleep, the days i used to stay awake in lectures
The days where my life was seen as my own, where i didnt care about my studies, where i didn't read the bible, where i played computer games...

I simply don't get it do I? Life has already changed and things have already moved on.
THE PRICE WAS ALREADY PAID and now I want to stay? I want to return to the days where life was monotonous, meaningless, mixed up?

Get off it, come off it. Drop the pretence and come clean with it.
I hate it, life is starting to get challenging. Everday is another fold of the brain, another twitch of the nerve, and another wrinkle on the forehead.

This tiresome BUTTOCK needs a giant BOOT to send it flying in the right direction,
this exhausted soul needs a big needle of adrenalin to continue the race.
But yeah yeah its all in the head... we don't realise how clever (and then how FRICKIN LAZY) we all are!
Have you not heard? Actually we're the doctors of our lives.

But where did the boot go, where did my vial of adrenalin go?
Its gone to some others and it cannot come to me, for humans think they know
such stimulants come in limited doses.
Oh what do you know, human?

Nobody's taking the initiative to stop taking things for granted.
Why are we so limited and clumsy to care and cause more things discounted?
Who can answer such a question and who can say 'dont ask me?'
No no surely we're all part of this rotten fallacy that humans can be limited so severely.

When these questions grow into storms, and when others coin my head the teacup..
Oh Lord, i cannot move the pen which hovers over my math paper...
Because I know well that perhaps im the only partaker of the villaineous crimes i whisper.
For many times I've proclaimed these things, watched my own selfishness and my eyes water.
And then I know the world's feels so wrong because people like me constantly falter..

And you know... that makes me feel so alone, and worthless.