We accept the love we think we deserve

A bit of me died at the end of that sentence.

It's a clear reflection of tragedies in the world anyway. Someday, along the way, someone feels less confident. It snowballs, it goes uncheck.

Break ups happen today over a myriad of reasons. Sometimes we find ourselves rushing too quickly into something we don't comprehend... and woke up. The realist in us (who is usually asleep) screams that this is unsustainable. You can't live forever with a glaring mistake. A mistake so as to speak.

But then there are also those really tragic ones. When being love starts becoming a bane.
That's what the title's all about. Somehow somewhere along the way it fractures and dislocates. We feel sorry that we're being loved. Or maybe we don't believe it anymore.
A stubborn shade of grey impossible to erase.

It doesn't seem to go away. But it may if you left and carried it with you. And so that's what they must do.

We're having some choir activity now. A moment of reflection. We get to choose to do it in solitude and so as usual, that is what I chose. 

I just felt compelled to write this. Meeting today kind of brings me back to the start of this year.

This is a good time to think about it.

And to think about it, the start of this year already feels foreign. Again, maybe nothing in my immediate environment changed drastically, but my mental landscape has had some significant terraforming.

I already knew from the start that this year was going to be a rough ride. Unsure of how a first year committee member can be chief group leader and also unsure of how exactly I'll be able to engage adults in Chinese. Finally, all these decisions were made without an inkling as to how life as a relief teacher would be nor eventually,  how university will play out.

The whole year just passed like that. There were few days where I found myself doing something really for fun. Every moment of fun was like a moment of de-stress. They come like a much needed antidote for the poisoning of my mind by all sorts of labour. I did not really have time to seek out fun. Well, even the hongkong trip was a bit of bittersweet.

Then came university. Even O week seems like a distant mystery to me now. I do not remember why I was that happy and carefree. University... well in attempt to avoid misrepresentation, is not all that bad, just no cause to scream "awesome!" "I've waited for this my whole life of 20 years and it is worth the wait!"

Not even close. Not even close baby.

And so over the course of the few months my initial fear just lifted. It was not even because I found the fears unjustified, but that the tsunamis swept irresistibly over me and drowned them all. I had a cause to fear, but instead I just got dragged along the undercurrent and went through the obstacles, one by one, as they came.

I got embroiled in a few rounds of extreme distractions: where there were girls who drifted so ever closely to my ideals.. and one who scored so well in the physical attraction department that.. Oh nevermind.

But back to the point, it's nearing the end of this year and... I don't see why I was so fearful at the start. More importantly, I don't even know why I don't feel afraid. I'd rather I feel that way.

Because life is passing so quickly, my sentiments are quick;y becoming synonymous with reality.

If I bungle along, if I just get through somehow, if they don't leave scars... I don't feel alive.

In fact, I'd think I lived too carelessly. And once again, even though I notice this every year, the year passed unnoticed. 

I don't know what warrants the smile on my face today. I'm still struggling pass everyday, barely, passively making it.It's just one sequence after another. I'm just a cart on rails.

I want to savour it. I want to feel the fear I felt.. so that somehow it certifies that the sentiments I felt were genuine.

And consequently my live was lived. 

blind, frisbee.

As I looked into the sky, a voice rang out within my head.

"If you just get over it, if you just walk away, you glorify God".

There's apparently this move in frisbee where you nudge your opponent from behind to occupy his attention. Darting to get the disc the moment he turns to investigate the irritation.

Apparently it's a move. But obviously it isn't. Frisbee is a non contact sport. Funny if it has a tactic which involves precisely violating that one rule.

And you know me. It annoys the shit out of me when people try to pull the wool over my eyes. We're how old? Why are we still being dishonest? And what's with the confidence with which you said it? Where did you draw that from? Your dullness?

The thoughts driving me into madness, the next moment, I found myself blinded.
Yeap, the nudges at an irritable rhythm were felt along my back. This sizzling euphoria filled my skull, creeping up from my jaw into my brain.
My elbow shot up and hit the guy in his ribs. Turning around and giving the most sinister smile,
"Hey, this blind thing is pretty useful" I said.

I think... I performed a blind in more than one sense.
And even as my anger burns on, I struggle to notice what I've lost today.

Another chance, slipped out just like that. Where in blind rage I deprived myself from the only chance to do the right thing tonight.
If you had kept your eyes open, if you let your mind fight off your heart...

The ifs add fuel to the fire.

Please grow up already. Please have some hope. Please be a good boy.
Please do your work.

You can't come to realizations and simply walk away.
If you do without changing you place yourself in a certain doom.
How many more realizations will you need, how much more intense?

indeed, how many more can happen?