Am I a hack?

We can be said to have fullness of joy in God if our joy in God is so full that we know we have arrived at the end of our quest for satisfaction. In other words, there may be ups and downs in our level of satisfaction owing to sin or pain, but we never need to be in doubt that Christ is the end of our search. We will never leave this fountain to find a more satisfying one. Here is fullness. He is fullness.

So, Paul says, “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things” (Philippians 3:8). And Jesus says, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst” (John 6:35), which I take to mean: I am the end of your quest for perfect and full satisfaction. Don’t turn to another. Stay here. You will in due time never thirst again. You have tasted this fullness, and it will surely, surely come and remain.

I have clearly not arrived at the end of my quest for satisfaction. I do doubt that Christ is the end of my search. I mean, I'd be ashamed to admit it logically, but I think my passions confess a different story. 

Whenever I go to God in prayer and ask for the things I want, I got to keep this in mind. Have I arrived at the end of my quest for satisfaction? Do I ponder daily if God is indeed enough, that knowing Him there is no greater thing? Do I rest in that thought? Do I rejoice in it? 

auroras, if it's your kind of thing.

I looked upon my own estate

30 I passed by the field of a sluggard,
by the vineyard of a man lacking sense,
31 and behold, it was all overgrown with thorns;
the ground was covered with nettles,
and its stone wall was broken down.
32 Then I saw and considered it;
I looked and received instruction.
33 A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest,
34 and poverty will come upon you like a robber,
and want like an armed man.

Proverbs 24:30-34

This verse has always looked peculiar to me, but lately it's been making more and more sense.
Briefly, it's because I noticed that I fall into temptation when I am slacking off.
I noticed that hours of unproductivity begins when I open my laptop and decide to watch a video instead of getting to work immediately.

I shall be more wary still of these little sleep and slumbers.

1 Peter 5:1-11 new realizations

So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory. Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

1 Peter 5:1-11

Gasp. This verses are directed not generically to Christian living, but addressing the relationship between the leaders and the people under them in church. I think this actually makes a lot more sense now, the call to humility, to submission of anxieties, to the resisting of the devil, to the eager expectation to be restored, confirmed, strengthened and established.

These are actually things that have a lot to do with the... often tense relationships in church.
The sort of exalting oneself over another, the resentment for authority or the belittling of those under your charge is why there is a need for much humility.
Much of this lack of humility appears to be diagnosed as arising from indignation, that is why the assurance is that "God exalts you at the proper time", "cast your cares on him because he cares for you".
I suppose the devil is prowling around, watching for prideful people to devour, those who are not careful to humble themselves and who are not careful to entrust their anxieties to God.

I've never considered reading this from the position of a leader serving in church, who also, at the same time, serves under others.

Sometimes things just fly at you, sometimes it feels like people disrespect you, have no regard for you, use you, patronise you with empty words.
Sometimes you feel frustrated because you feel like you cannot handle the things thrown at you. You feel like there is no basis to the confidence that others have about you, instead it feels like they're just carelessly assigning it to you so that they can get things over and done with.

In times like these, Peter tells you, the leader, to be watchful because the Devil is on the prowl. You ought to humble yourself, consider the sufferings of others and realise that yours is not that extraordinary, entrust your cares to God and believe that although you will suffer, he will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

Secular Education?

Perhaps education is becoming more and more secular but my days in NIE suggest that God has placed for Himself a reserve of Christians in the education system.
You just meet so many of them everyday, lecturers and students alike.

don't miss the point

“As he said this, a woman in the crowd raised her voice and said to him, ‘Blessed is the womb that bore you, and the breasts that you nursed!’ But he said, ‘Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!'”

When I heard this verse yesterday it really intrigued me. What instantly leapt to my mind is when we perform a song in church or whatever and then this friendly auntie waddles up to you and tells you that you sing very well or that you're very handsome or that your mum is so fortunate or that you're so fortunate to be raised by your mum, and sometimes, even how much they wished their children will be like you...

and really, it feels like this verse is addressing just that.

As Jesus was teaching, a woman, probably awestruck by his teaching, blurted these words. Apparently the word "rather" does not have the adversative force we tend to have in English and so it means something just like "and".
So I don't want to go so extreme here. Jesus didn't say "no my mother is not blessed to have me", he was acknowledging that Mary was indeed blessed to have him, but he wanted to emphasise something else.

"Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!"

He doesn't want the lady to miss this. It is one thing to marvel at Jesus, it is another to be consumed by that marvel that you fail to notice the implications it has for yourself.
If Jesus is really that good with the word of God then the appropriate response is to listen to him and keep the word of God.

If the anthem was really that well sung then please let it have a place in your life. Don't stop at the marvelling, don't let the marvel close your heart from the work of God.

Ambushed by Grace

So I was initially quite sore about coming to new town because no other scholars were being posted to the school and... as a pattern continuing since JC, onto Army and into University, I feel like once again I'm being thrown into a new place alone.

It didn't take me more than just a few days to change my mind though. This place is pretty awesome. My mentors are all very kind and loving people who aren't the least bit uptight.
The HOD in particular is very enthusiastic about teaching me and exposing to the different challenges as well as the answers that she has developed over the years.
It was also particularly unexpected that a former schoolmate of mine should take me for social studies. The other younger teachers are also all really easy to interact with. There's been a bit of ugliness so far, but as a whole, all is well.

But I think most curious of all is bumping into former HOD humanities in PJC and the conversation we had.
It began with a casual question about whether I've been going back to PJC. I replied no and without him asking for it, I offered an explanation as to why I haven't been. For me it's about the bad taste the whole A levels results left for me, of how I felt like they were trying to market me or claim credit for my results... such that teachers would pretend to know me, or claim to have mentored me in the scholars programme (which I was never in to begin with).

And so, entering a serious tone, he told me that he could sense that I have many burdens and bitterness from that time that I have yet to put down. He told me about many things but I guess most importantly, he told me that I should come to terms with them and move on.

He also explained to me that a big reason why I got my scholarship was because of the principal's recommendation. That... was a very humbling moment for me. I've always found it puzzling how I got bumped for consideration of a higher scholarship, of how angering the permanent secretary did not jeopardise my chances and... I guess I used to attribute it simplistically to the idea that "well, I must be that awesome then".
This former HOD was quick to point out that he didn't mean that I have no substance, but he reminded me that the selection process is a lot more thorough than I imagined. His point was that be it as it may that I have bad memories from PJ, there are ways in which I am indebted to it, there are many things I learnt from it that I must certainly not discount.

He then concluded pragmatically that for the good of my career I should be careful to paint a holistic picture of my experience in school. He cautioned me from foolhardily expounding exclusively on the bad things I experienced.
"If you think of yourself as a perceptive person, why do you not show that you have perceived the benefits too?"

These circumstances are very strange and unexpected indeed and I can't think of a better way to say it than that it's like an ambush of grace.

I think about the frustrations that I still struggle with... the things (or person) that God doesn't seem intent on giving me at all... and I just want to weigh it with the grace that I've experienced these few weeks.
And I want my restless heart to repeat this after me,

"You are my Lord; I have nothing good besides You"

I shared this Saturday that these days I've been considering one thing, so as to not dishonour God. I've been asking myself if there were anything that I really wanted, that in fact, I also currently possess. It has brought much joy to my heart that... I really want to have a mended relationship with God and deliverance from my depravity and that in fact these things are granted to me.

It's like potato chips I say, it's like when I'm seated in front of the computer and I suddenly feel like having some chips and then I realised that I had bought some the other day but had forgotten about them. Realising that then, I find the chips and I am overjoyed, to want something and to actually just simply have it.

Now, that's a thought really worth meditating upon.

Unexpected mercy

I must say I have settled into the time zone of Finland.

It's a really strange place here, especially when the sun is still up at 10pm at night. But I'm already adjusted to the time difference. I'm not suffering any perceivable jet-lag.

I can think of 2 reasons why this is the case.

1. I didn't sleep well on the plane (surprise surprise) and so by the time it got to bedtime I was thoroughly ready to close to my eyes.

2. The late nights juggling my exams and the video and meet-ups before I left really helped me to get used to sleeping nearly 5 hours pass 10pm. And that's the time difference between Finland and Singapore.

So I really resented those late nights, resenting the circumstances and resenting how again, and again, I allowed myself to delay the things I needed to do such that they all piled up so untimely. I'm just glad that even in all of that God was helping me to settle into this new time zone.

Thank God

ill-motivation

It's been how many? 3 weeks?
3 weeks since we met to have round 2. These 3 weeks have been a roller coaster ride. I've been thinking of them as God's test.

Was I too arrogant when I said that I can live with this, this fruitless hoping?

I still think that it is the right thing to do. If you really like someone you really shouldn't get too set back by her rejection. In a way, this is part of courtship isn't it?

But back to the question. The things that happened these weeks remind me about something she said. She asked if this was going to take up all my energies and make me inept to do the things I ought to do. I think the idea is that if it were the case then in a sense I've lost the right to hold on.

Doesn't matter if it is logically plausible, it's personal. If by holding on I allow myself to live in a very unworthy manner then perhaps I really should think about whether this is permissible for me. This has been the question on my mind these weeks. Can I handle it? Did I overestimate myself when I said that I could live with it?

Maybe I really cannot.
Why am I unwilling to give up then?

Ill-motivation I suppose. Somehow I am of the opinion that by holding on this way I'm being particularly productive, fearing that if I gave up, for now, that I'd lose the chance forever.

There is something that hasn't quite gotten into my head, it's something really simple. It's simply that I actually gain nothing by holding on. It's not as though when I give up I'm giving her up to someone else. You can't give up somebody if you've never had her to begin with. There's a queer, unexamined thought in the midst of all of this.

I think the answer is clear now. Not only am I unable to handle it, I'm ill-motivated about it. The appropriate move therefore, is to eat the humble pie and give up. I suppose what is comforting to me is the idea that it is possible to genuinely say that you like someone and yet give up the hope.

Particularly, if you're only giving up, for now.

Re reading the song lyrics today I wonder if we can rewrite the chorus with
我仅仅抓住你
In the sense that all I did was to hold onto you.

Unlikely song

So today after bible study I suddenly realised that there was something I said on Sunday that wronged my friend. Basically, I had very selfishly and dishonestly put the blame on her.
Well she's not just my friend. She's someone I admire... she's someone who took time out that night to talk about something she isn't very keen to talk about and yet this was what I did to her.

I apologised immediately. In her reply she explained that she actually did take offence at what I said. I asked her to forgive me. She says,
"it's okay, I won't take it to heart".

I don't know what to make of it because it sounds so cold.

Whereas for me... I can't believe I did such a thing. In a way, I was disappointed at the revelation of my selfishness. In a way I'm upset about how it was just bad publicity for myself. In a way I'm just lost because I feel like I've wronged her so badly I can never face her again.

Strangely enough, the lyrics of this song came to mind.
我無助的時候，你給我力量；
我害怕的時候，你緊緊抱住我，
當我覺得我不行，你告訴我可以，
你就是那最愛我的主。

我緊緊抓住你，我永遠不放手；
我看到你獨生子，為我釘死在十架上。

我緊緊抓住你，我永遠不放手，
是你醫治了我，是你從來未離開過我。
我已看到我的未來，充滿信心和盼望

It's just like that isn't it. With no where to go, nothing better to say, no one to speak to, with the life sucked out of me, I grasp shamelessly at the Lord who loves me. At the Lord who gives me strength to change. At the Lord who understands and does not overlook nor despise.

I feel like I've really got nothing else.

Update:
Turns out there a message came in while I was typing this post.
She made a joke about herself. She said "don't worry, I forget things very quickly". It's a joke we often make about her flaky memory.

I see that she took pains to try to lighten the mood. I feel so restored. Thank God. Why does grace come so quickly? 

matter-of-factly

I just love it sometimes when people say difficult truths matter-of-factly. I like how unapologetic it sounds; the way you shocks me into remorse about how I've been moping and dragging my feet around.

At the moment of hearing you hear this very, divine... challenge to transcend beyond your problems and unhappiness. To take a good fresh look at the situation and the weight upon your shoulders and to bravely say "so be it".

This time round it was after a meeting for historical night and Justin came to speak to me and ask if everything was okay. I replied that frankly I feel really stressed because there is a lot of things to do. I felt the need to qualify that it is not that the things are too many, but that I've just been used to living a carefree selfish lifestyle that is not fit to bear the load. Concluding with the solution to my own problem, I pointed out that what I need is some discipline and organising of my life, to which he casually replied,

"Oh yeah since 5 years ago I've said goodbye to that sort of carefree life."

In that simple response he chased away the sort of self-pity which was hiding behind what I was saying. I was pitying myself for having now to live life seriously– this was something I was not fully aware of.

Anyway, okay, time to move onto other things, just thought I'd write this here to remember and to call myself to account for it.

Proverbs 15:1 
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

I think I finally understand what this means today. 

Eventual missing of school

I've been feeling it every now and then ever since this semester, a feeling that I will come to miss my days in school and regret not treasuring them.
I felt it distinctly as I watched students walking out of class chatting and smiling and realised that this is my final semester in this place.

4 years have passed and it is not as though I've bummed my way through. The photos I took and the videos I shot reminded me that, despite how distant it feels now, I really did quite a lot in my days here.

I can't say I won't miss this place. I thought I can but I now think I cannot. But let me not burden anyone with the sort of romantic despair many people seem to parade their longing for schooldays with.

I've been here, had my chance to live to the fullest, tried to do so sometimes, failed and now moving, looking on.

Psalms 34:8-10
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
 Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
 Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!
 The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing

Can I embrace this?

I've been thinking, for the past week ever since I sent the email. I waited for the reply which was promised to come, in vain, day after day. The craving daily endured, I couldn't set my mind on anything else aside from pondering and speculating about what it would be.

And how it went unrequited, day after day, leaving me dejected, unproductive.
How I went on to try to fill this gap with other things, finding myself more grief.

But I thank the Lord, because although I imagined that I sent the mail with pure intentions, I have come to pierce my own pretence and now I am face to face with my true intentions. I just... wanted a favourable reply, didn't I?
As I watched myself and how I had been behaving the past few days, I came to a sobering conclusion that I am not ready! It really does not matter that more than a year had passed.

But as I have instructed my heart during this time, shutting down every rogue thought I could lay my hands on, putting these hands closely together in prayer, asking God to remove in me any ungratefulness when ever I felt it arise, now I see even clearer, that I fear that those who fear in the Lord will have some lack.

Clear to me is that I have not tasted to see that the Lord is good.
There is a resolve needed to steel our hearts in faith until we see the goodness come, to oppose what we have, for too long, allowed ourselves to believe, is what we need to be happy.

More importantly, have I lived my life, the past few days, in a manner instructed by the fear of God?
I'm afraid not.

And so moving forward I just want to keep on check on this heart of mine.
Help me be completely convinced of your goodness. Let me not wander about as an orphan.

What being a vessel means

To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to win Jews. To those under the law I became as one under the law (though not being myself under the law) that I might win those under the law. 21 To those outside the law I became as one outside the law (not being outside the law of God but under the law of Christ) that I might win those outside the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. 23 I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings.
1 Corinthians 9:20-23

I suppose that one struggle I face in service is the question of "what is left for me?" 

If we supposed to love others it does seem to follow that we very well end up living for them. This is such an offensive thought to me. How can it be that God wants me to live in a manner which leaves nothing left for myself? 

But actually this is nothing fresh. 

The bible describes Christians as living sacrifices (our lives wholly dedicated to God), or as vessels, existing only for the purposes of the owner. 

1 Corinthians 9:20-23 illustrates this even more vividly. Here Paul says he becomes whatever he needs to become to reach people. To the Jews he became as a Jew, to the weak he became weak. In these 3 verses there is a distinct lack of self-definition. Paul was not truly defined by any of those traits, but they were taken on or accentuated to serve the purpose of reaching out to people. 

At the core of these shifting identities was a life that was dedicated to the service of others. Paul didn't let any of these things define him. His identity was already secure as a Disciple of Christ, a Child of God, Elect, Chosen. The rest didn't matter that much anymore, they became merely tools in his hands, tools he used skilfully to fulfil his calling as a Christian. 

As the number of things to do this year pile up mercilessly, I want to choose to be as Paul. I shall be all things to all men, essentially formless and at God's disposal to shape into the appropriate tools for His work. Let me not bargain or resist. Let me be a vessel. 

On the unnatural-ness of heterosexuality

For a long time I've been thinking that if God was opposed to homosexuality why did He make heterosexuality so flimsy?
I was thinking that if I spent too much time in guys or if I were brought up in a boys' school without any contact with girls there's a real high chance that I would've been gay.

The things that we learn in school about gender being a socially constructed thing... Well, I kinda buy into it too. I'm not the sort of Christian who would insist that there is some sort of "naturalness" to heterosexuality, in fact, it seems like it is rather natural for people to simply do whatever they please and choose whomever they want.

What is my response to this? I think that God has left it as such so that we can Honour Him through our conscious, effortful strive towards a particular sort of gender. Men to Honour Him by striving towards masculinity and women by striving towards femininity (something like that).

Because it is so "un-natural", it is so intentional. Because it is so intentional, it can be an act of worship.
Certainly it is harder then, for some people to worship God through their gender and sexuality. But in the same way, some struggle to worship Him in keeping their hands and eyes to themselves.