bouts of nightmares

I'm a pig, i sleep more than 9 hours a day... but what is there to say?
I really need that sleep.

Recently, my nights have been haunted with most unfriendly of dreams.
This spooky theatre has screened various genres: morality, stupidity, love... but has moved on since, recently, into A levels.
So far, its been 2. They were screenings of mental torture, as i struggled within helplessly, dragged along as undesirable events spontaneously....

anyway,

I was at home, and I recall today being economics paper 2. Somehow, the paper's to be taken at home. I logged on to school portal to receive the paper at 10 sharp.
I never liked economics, i knew i was gonna flung this...
Shortly after i opened the paper, however, a smile crawled across my face.
"Economics paper 2, time alloted 2 hours: read pages 33-38 of your economics textbook, the article entitled "??????W?AD?W?FAE??" and write your commentary on it"
Simple, little economics involved, just full logic stuff.
As i sat myself down, and my fingers touched the keyboard... I was thrown into the streets of orchard. Somehow, i was there to buy something, for some compelling reason i cannot recall, now that i'm awake.
But time flies and its 1140... and i recall the work that's pending.. only 20mins left.

20 mins left.. for a 2 hour paper, factor in transportation time... and I'm well on the highway to hell. Hence, with great haste, i ran to a taxi stand, with my shopping bouncing precariously in my hands... and to my horror, the streets were empty. There wasn't a single damned car on the road...
And it wasn't just the road... the buildings.. they look so rigid, so frozen.. their colours faded and the crackled into lifeless black-white.. But time still rode on happily, 5mins has since passed.

As i collapsed onto the bench in the taxi stand, my head had nothing more than self-rebuke. I cannot understand why i still went for some innocent, foolish shopping when a grave matter as such awaited my attention. I'm screwed, i concluded..
At this instance, a beam of light faded into view, a horizontal one... a taxi. By now, my surroundings have completely corroded and everything was misty and shit. Boarded the spooky taxi anyway.

The taxi didn't bring me home, not that reaching home at 1205 would make any compelling difference in this disaster wrecked day.
I found myself stepping into the school auditorium (which looked more like IJC auditorium).. Immediately, i was greeted ever so warmly by vincent, who merely exclaimed
"EHHHHHH! have you handed in your paper?" then continuing his monologue enthusiastically, "Harkdamn! Forgot, your dad's the examiner, you must've been the first to hand your shits in"
I didnt know what to say, his innocent chatter about the naturally workings of this world just made little sense in that juncture.
I made little effort to sit silently into my chair... but every effort was made for me to sink into it.
As i pondered over a paper's lost, my teary eyes glanced further.. To results day.


AND HELL, I REALLY DREAMT OF THE RESULTS DAY DAMNIT.

I was in the school blazer for i had just represented the school in a seminar. I was in the highest of spirits and i galloped my way down to school. I quickly made my way into the school hall.
The scho0ol hall uh... looked more like the sanctuary of some old cathedral which had been draped with dark blue cloth all over to hide its obscene age..
Well, there was something in the air.. and i didnt like it. For starters, i did not receive a phone call in the morning.. could it be because they knew i was in a seminar and did not want to interrupt me? A phone call meant alot, since it'd suggest that i scored well, well enough to be mentioned at least..
As i made my way down the central aisle... Junwen was announcing the names from our class..
"brenda.. junwen... jameus.. rita (rita?).. yuhsuann... chongyee (chongyee wtH!?)... ...
It trailed on as a huge number of names were called out. I went to him and i asked if my name was on the list as well.
I definitely hated that look on his face. That serious, why-dont-you-see-for-yourself-i-dont-want-to-hurt-your-feelings look. I got my answer, but i was still waist deep in disbelief..
As i flipped the list and ran my finger down every column, time and reason linked arms and coerced me into believing...
No.. no.. how can this be? It says there beside my name that I'm a 17 pointer (doesnt exist in Alevels, i know) meaning i was hitting an average of Cs. I turn and i fled the place.. running and running until i found myself within a block of abandoned HDB building. There I sat, on a dusty step in the stairwell, and cried.

I think i really did cry, since i woke up today with quite a volume of dried tears.

less than a week to NS, things cannot be wronger.

2 Things currently haunt me.
first, i keep having this feeling that im not living my life to its fullest and i'm awaiting a regret-my-ass-off when i get into army.

Second.. is something more sinister. Its the I-wanna-get-a-girlfriend feeling. Or accurately put, time to victimise some girls. Hold your reins buddy.

musings

I've a friend who thinks im perpetually irritating..
well, I think she's a kid, so this not only makes sense, it calls us quits.

anyway, I saw this poster in town recently..
it was something like "quest for immortality", some exhibition in our very own national museum(for what it's worth)

Anyway, a thought came to mind.
You know, people dont really want immortality, only perverse, mentally shipwrecked pharoahs and huangdis wanted to live forever, torture forever, eat bunches of grapes and blah blah forever.
The common man still desires living to a ripe old age..

so i was thinking.
You know how everyone associates old age to living a happy life, being joyful and all
while the sulky individual is bestowed the grave in advance..

Laughter, the best medicine.
Yes, yet time flies like an arrow when you're enjoying yourself, and crawls like a snail when you're.. well, bored.
You know how it feels like, that prolonged moment when your heart shatters.. and in your mind you see a black background with hundreds of flying shards slowing dispersing through the air?

So which is a longer life? One where time flies like an arrow and before you know it, you're dead.
Or isit that blank-eyed hopelessly dribbly waiting and waiting and "savouring" of every passing second?
hmm...

the 2 year plan

struggling already. its been.. 16 days.

its another idontknowhowmanymore.

dream

lately i've been having tons of nightmares, i don't know why..
yet i do, you aren't supposed to know though, dear reader.

There's one i can vaguely recall, and it isnt a nightmare.

You, jasmine, were in it.

It all started out with an impulsive message i sent to you, asking if you'd like to go out together.
Obviously i didn't expect you'd turn up, since you fell MIA ever since the japan trip.

But that sunny day, on an unknown stone pavement on mt. faber, you were there, waiting and checking your phone.
I apologized profusely for being late, and for something else i cannot remember now.
You admitted that you didn't want to be here, but said "oh heck, its not as if we'll be seeing each other often for the days to come"

So we took off for a long walk under the gentle sun, with the breeze coming from the sea (is that a sea?)
And suddenly, you, being clumsy, tripped over the uneven terrain, and we soon found ourselves on a precarious slide down a long steep slope.
Suddenly, it wasnt precarious anymore, your face was brightly lit, you were obviously enjoyng the ride.
A very odd scene indeed, 2 people laughing and letting loose while supposedly rolling down a hill.
Then..

then we hit the base, and still lying on our backs, we watched as the clouds drifted sheepishly in the sky.
You were giggling and smiling to yourself.
For the moment, i felt like i was released, forgiven, but from what? I dont know.

The next moment we found ourselves visiting my school, PJC that is. It didn't even remotely resemble the actual PJC though.
And as we were walking near the tennis courts, you turned and asked me
"Do you think the delivery comes here? Why don't we get some lunch via delivery?"
"delivery?" i asked, 'you mean like.. macs?"
"no! hahaa" you replied, "starbucks"
"hm.. starbucks" i pondered..
"Lasagne? you want lasagne?" you suggested "LASAGNE IT IS!"

and the next instance, we weren't phoning the delivery, but we found ourselves in the school library.
The rest is murky, and too dialogue laden.
All i know is, the day ended with my wallet empty, but nevertheless, i was happy.

Where are you, my dear odd friend?