its days like these approaching the end
where i find myself on my knees
recounting the past events, each representing itself as 'a regret'
as i recalled the glorious morning i stood before the school
and declared that i was going to be the next top scorer
as i read in the bible that i should study for the Glory of God
shortly after which i grit my teeth to finish a math tutorial
As i remember how i stubbornly pursued an unbeliever
how i laid down my time to teach erin chem
how i gave my friends an impression that i was really cocky
how i wriggled past my promotional exams.
how i renewed a spirit of combat to deal with the 2nd year
how i patted myself on the back for having found 'true' love.

and then..
how i frenzied myself in a lunatic sacrifice of some of my friends just to spend time with her
how i protested against the clique's outing methods
how i broke into tears and stretched my arm towards the ceiling
and cried "God if you're there, grab my hand and tell me everything's going to be alright"
how i pretended like i was cool with everything she did
how i hopelessly conned myself into believing that there was still chance.
how i lied about liking a tennis girl from tpjc
how i said to myself, 100th day, on the 100th day i'll study
how i eventually did, and stopped on the 101st
how my life became incredibly screwed up
how i let erin down
how i wished i could say something, just to get my tongue caught because my credibility's gone.
how i wish this and wished that

how i stare blank-eyed at the complete miss of all my targets.

and i wonder to myself.. dear Lord, why did you salvage my academics.
why have you sent me on journeys to the airport?
why is this mind still preservered and not worm eaten together with everything else?

and i cannot help but say
Glory to the Lord, always.
His ways are higher than mine, and through the mess His plan unwinds.
oh if i had more faith, if only i listened..