limit

I'll know a lot more on Thursday than I know today.
I'm not certain what the suspense is supposed to serve, but I suppose I can trust in my cousin's judgment.
Today, more than ever, I feel at peace, at peace with getting whatever the answer may be. Yes, no, maybe... it doesn't matter that much anymore. I'm not going to be too upset about it, too hopeless after it, too anxious about it.

I'm eager to know, but I'm just eager and that's all (I hope).

In my mind, in my heart now, I feel a sense of shame.
Shame for making such a big deal of it. There are limits to what we can feel.
As in, there are feelings that we are not justified to have.

When I sit down and think about it, it's not like we were ever really close.
It's not like we have many shared memories, it's not like I was ever there when she was in need, it's not like she had any big part in my life either.
In this way, there isn't much of a pity, not much space for a sense of waste and loss.
Do I even know this person? Can I even truly admire her? What do I even know of her?

These realizations are putting me in my place.
I am not in the position for big reactions. Big reactions seem... unjustified, unreasonable, unconsidered. They shall have no place in me.
I should let this simmer. I should think it over.
Though I can't say I won't be sad.

on the other hand, with You, I can certainly do better.
With You, I can certainly afford greater sorrow and remorse.
With You I have spent a lifetime, with You I've walked every moment of my life.
You were there when I was alone and you will be where no one can go.
You will find me even when I hide myself away, Your eyes are never fooled, Your thoughts about me, truer than the thoughts I have of myself.

For You there are no limits. There's no limit to what I should feel towards You.
So I beg You, teach me remorse, teach me sorrow.
I beg You, fill me with joy, satisfy me with pleasures.
May I find everyday worth living, may the gladness of my heart match the smile on my face.
May I be convinced, zealous, unrelenting.
Disciplined, in self control, awake, sober.

I have no goodness besides You.
So come, come still my heart and steel my mind.
Be my righteousness.