Fears

Not super duper free now but I thought it'd pay off to just spend sometime to write about a big fear of mine...
It is that I cannot find a successor to heading youth fellowship.

Is it a legitimate worry? I suppose. I think leading the youth fellowship for a year and counting really helped me to understand its complexity.
This year is a new challenge because the leaders are more busy... and less independent I suppose.

It's also a new challenge because I haven't been careful to watch my heart. I may have let too many things into it and now its feeling small again. Small, petty, short fused.

Not to be arrogant, but I'm also know that I'm equipped with quite the set of skills and know hows. In a way, you can say, I was made for this sort of leadership.
Yet, in a way, I'm not. I'm not yet compelled to develop myself in the area of delegation, often preferring to just settle things on my own.
I'm not as prayerful as I ought to be... God knows I still live my life flippantly.

Is there someone else like me? I don't think so.
But slowly I wonder if this is the crux. I'm looking for a clone... and maybe that's the last thing I ought to do. It occurred to me that I may be too narrow minded with this, thinking that it really boils down to finding someone as capable, or excelling beyond me. No, maybe that's not what God wants.

And then aside from these innocent fears is this realisation that I might be part of what I'd like to call, the normative effect. It's been the norm to serve for 1-2 years, a shocker to serve for 3, a literal martyr to do 4. I'm kidding, but it's roughly like that.

So... what's with the anxiety man? Is it even rational? Maybe it is not God's will that I should be following the norm? It'd be my grave mistake to think that I should be somehow "entitled" to a 2 year tenure and so force a successor to appear.

No no no. I don't like the thought of it. Partly because heading youth fellowship can sometimes be a very lonely affair, certainly no walk in the garden or a piece of cake.
But on the other hand, if I were brutally honest with myself, as I'd like to think that I am with others, this is a very serious possibility... and the only appropriate way to respond... is with equal seriousness.

God you know what my heart is like. How I wish to just drop this area by this year and return to a different life. You know how it's like.
So change me,
even if you meant for a succession to happen.