sleepless

I think it would still be fine if I were awake because I'm thinking about young adult ministry.

But not quite. After a choppy sub-standard sleep I found myself largely awake at 3am and well, it's been an hour or so, feeling tired but not quite able to drift into sleep.

God you know sometimes I'm just like that, a kid. Immature, surprised by the prospect that someday she will find someone and it (as things seem right now), won't be me.
What's worse is I won't necessarily be wowed by this person.
Maybe I'll draw comparisons.
Maybe I'll get worked up.

These thoughts make me really unhappy, unhappy because I seem to have already begun wronging her.
I feel not much older than the little jealous boy I was not too many years ago.

What's behind this? A reckless sense of entitlement? But why? Where did it come from?
Should I be awake wrestling with this? With just one day left until my 2nd paper I feel like I need the sleep too.
I need it so desperately to function during my examinations.

A faint refrain plays in my mind
Change my heart O God, make it ever true
Change my heart O God, may I be like You

How does it happen?
How do you change our hearts and minds?
How do we grow?

Can it be true that you can really put it all in their proper places?
I can't!
I really can't I've been trying you know I have!