Shamelessly

Seated across me is a long-standing inspiration. God knows my life has changed drastically ever since I had this inspiration on 25^th January. 
Oh, I’m also at the place where we first met. This is the Central Library where Tembusu’s Grease was held. 

It’s hard to imagine that only yesterday I let her in on perhaps the most devastating (relationship wise) secret I have. A secret many of you don’t even know. 

As we sat side by side on the bus, shoulders ever so slightly touching, I finished the sweet, the prayer and began to speak. I had rehearsed the moment countless times in my head, jolted to prayer because the it always went bad in my head. At that point in time, I said, “so, I’ve struggled with it since secondary 4...” and it just trailed off. Suddenly my tongue was dead and the air in my chest locked in. I was overwhelmed with unwillingness to speak, fear, fear that in my endeavor to love her more I would forfeit myself forever. My hands grasped around for hers. Finding them I recalled what I said before. 

Having her was never a goal I can secure. But being honest with her was something positively God glorifying, a goal which is good, a goal which I knew God’s goodness was fully behind, working towards its fruition. Knowing that, I told her all I could in a short brief account, an account she completed with her very own questions. 

“I’ll fight for you” she said. Leaning against my shoulder, my head on hers, we were at our physical closest. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually however, it was much much closer. I breathed deeply, her head was warm and comfortable, the warmth betraying a heart beating hard for the minutes passed. “Don’t break her heart tucky”, was heaven’s cry. 

I didn’t notice it, but now I do. On first glance it seems that I should have asked her to hold my hands, letting them go as soon as she knows she cannot accept me. In fact, this was how I had imagined it to be in the days leading up to it. But how it happened was opposite to that, I held her hands and I held them tight. 
What’s significant only became obvious when I told her this morning. 

For me it is obvious now that my pursuit of her cannot stem from a sense of deservedness. I don’t. Perhaps, if I were to speak for her, neither does she. Nobody deserves anyone in this wretched world. Recalling Genesis 2:22, God formed the woman and brought her to the man. If God delights in giving her to me, He will bring her to me. I think we have glorified God in this relationship, practicing copious amounts of self-control and making the effort to pray everytime we meet. That said, the many encounters with His grace in times of crisis... If He does not delight in watering this seed, then what? In a sketchy way, it is believable that God delights in giving her to me... Time will tell. 

And then she accepts me without my deserving of it. It’s so mind-bending. I don’t deserve her love but the last thing I can do is to reject it because of that. I accept her forgiveness, shamelessly, gratefully. 

Me holding onto her hands... Was significant because even though I’m undeserving, God gives grace. Even though I’m undeserving, she accepts me. Reaching out to hold her hands was significant of the war I’ll fight constantly, putting down my desire to feel deserving while trusting and having faith in both God and her faithfulness this seeming shameless act is my only response to their love for me. 

And so I shamelessly hold those hands, shameless not in an unrepentant way, but a rejection of deservedness and an embracing of grace... Through faith.